Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin To Hold Seance In Order To Interpret State Constitution

OKLAHOMA CITY – (CT&P) – Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin (R-of course) has contacted several well-known mediums in an attempt to set up a séance so that she, members of her staff, and key lawmakers can figure out just what the writers of the Oklahoma state constitution meant when they said there should be a separation of church and state.

The action was prompted by last week’s Oklahoma Supreme Court decision mandating the removal of a monument bearing the Ten Commandments from capitol grounds. The 7-2 decision clearly stated that the government should refrain from privileging one religion over others on public property.

Fallin has obtained the services of the popular medium Edgar Cayce III, great-grandson of the famous early twentieth century psychic, who bore a striking resemblance to Robert McCrary of Clemson University fame.

The judges insisted that the Ten Commandments were clearly uniquely special to a select few faiths, and thus shouldn’t be taking up space on public grounds.

“The Ten Commandments are obviously religious in nature and are an integral part of the Jewish and Christian faiths,” the ruling read.

However, Governor Fallin, who has absolutely no clue how to read a 9th grade history textbook much less interpret a state constitution, has ordered that the monument remain in place until the original framers of the document can be contacted and queried on the subject.

“I think the judges got it wrong here and I think that it’s only fair that we contact the original framers so we can ask them just what the fuck they meant when they said that ‘No public money or property shall ever be appropriated, applied, donated, or used, directly or indirectly, for the use, benefit, or support of any sect, church, denomination, or system of religion, or for the use, benefit, or support of any priest, preacher, minister, or other religious teacher or dignitary, or sectarian institution as such,'” said Fallin.

“I mean, I can’t begin to understand all that crazy legalese, can you?”

Christians from all over Oklahoma have converged on the capital to form a human wall around the monument to prevent it from being removed.

The governor first wants to contact the president of the 1907 Constitutional Convention William H. Murray and then his secretary John McClain Young. Governor Fallin is not in the least deterred by the fact that both men have been dead for decades.

“If these mediums are worth a shit, we’ll get in touch with these guys and get to the bottom of this,” said Fallin, who usually abides by court decisions when they agree with her faith. “We won’t let Oklahoma be turned into a vast wasteland like the rest of America just because a few judges tell us it’s the right thing to do.”

If the séance fails, Governor Fallin plans to seek the services of Dr. Tyrone Biggums, a witch doctor from Zambia who specializes in constitutional law.

Fallin told CNN that if the mediums fail to make contact she has a backup plan to call in a witch doctor from Zambia to interpret the more complicated sections of the document so everyone would be clear on its meaning.

Fallin said she wanted the controversy put to bed once and for all so that Oklahoma could support Christianity at the expense of all other religions, which she considers blasphemous contracts with Satan.

The statue, which was erected in 2012, has stoked controversy since its inception. When initial efforts to remove it proved unsuccessful a man damaged the statue by slamming into it with a car, claiming that Satan told him to destroy it and urinate on the broken remains. Despite protests, the foul-smelling,  urine-stained billboard for Moses was patched back together and re-erected.

Lucien Greaves, leader of the Satanic Temple, told CNN that depending on the outcome of the seance his group may go ahead with plans to erect a sculpture of a Baphomet, a goat-headed deity often used to represent Satan, on statehouse grounds. The group — which is more closely tied to secular humanism than religious Satanism, had put their plans on hold after the supreme court decision, but Greaves said that “This governor is so dumb and pig-headed that we might just have to put good ole Bahpomet right next to the Ten Commandments in the interest of fair play.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Astronauts Bachmann, Gohmert And King Tapped For 2016 Mission To Mars

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced today that the long-awaited choice of astronauts for the unprecedented manned mission to Mars has finally been made. Representative Michel Bachmann (R-MN) will command the mission, Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) will be Payload Specialist and Representative Steve King (R-IA) will be Flight Engineer for the 2 1/2 year round trip.

The crew of simpletons will be required to do little more than popping the hatch and planting an American flag on the surface of Mars before getting back in the spacecraft and playing checkers for 18 months while they wait for the return launch window.

The choice of astronauts for the mission has been delayed several times over the past six months and has been a source of consternation within NASA and other Federal agencies. Bolden placed blame for the delays on the stringent physical and psychological requirements needed to make the long and boring mission a success.

Bolden told reporters that the length of the mission presented a great many challenges to the crew, as well as to Mission Control in Houston.

“The spacecraft is so advanced that it can basically fly itself, so our main concern was just what type of crew we wanted to man this thing,” said Bolden.

Bachmann was thrilled to be named commander of the first manned mission to Mars

“We have several critical challenges that the astronauts will have to surmount during the Mars expedition: isolation and monotony, distance-related communication delays with the Earth, leadership issues, group interaction, and cultural misunderstandings and political differences within the crew,” said Bolden.

NASA engineers had to totally re-work the payload capabilities of the spacecraft when Bachmann insisted on bringing along a granite copy of the Ten Commandments so that “The people of Mars will be reminded to abide by God’s will.”

“Because of these dilemmas, we sought out a crew that is basically composed of people who are barely intelligent enough to drive automobiles here  on earth,” Bolden said.

“That way, all we have to do is say something like, ‘Push the bright red blinking button now, Michelle,’ Or, ‘Time to dump the waste now Louie,’ or ‘STEVE! Put your fucking helmet on before popping the hatch this time!’  in order to get these twits to Mars alive and in one piece.”

The crew cabin of the Mars spacecraft had to be redesigned in order to accommodate Representative Gohmert’s pet goat Snowball. For many years he has refused to go anywhere without her.

“Their almost total inability to reason or engage in critical thought will prevent them from getting bored and going insane on the long trip. After all, the three of them have spent years in Congress without doing anything constructive, so we think that they will hold up just fine playing checkers and talking amongst themselves about illegal immigrants, gay marriage, Benghazi, and Obamacare for almost 30 months straight.”

“We feel that the fact that none of these people ever come up with any ideas or attitudes that were not around during the Middle Ages, and their almost total homogeneity on important issues confronting the world today, will allow them to avoid arguments and petty disputes that could lead to disaster among a more intelligent flight crew,” said Bolden.

Unfortunately for the crew the mission means that they will all have to, temporarily at least, retire from politics.

“It’s a sacrifice that we feel is well worth it,” said Bachmann. “All three of us feel that we will be greeted as liberators and heroes by the oppressed people of Mars. After all, no human beings have been there since the Apollo program. It will be interesting to see what progress they have made since then.”

Perhaps the happiest man on earth when the choice of crew was announced was Speaker of the House John Boehner. As he was exiting Golden Tan and Massage in Georgetown today he told reporters “Thank God those morons won’t be around for the presidential election. We can’t afford to look like idiots again in 2016.”