White House Appoints Brick Top New Surgeon General

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a meeting with health officials at the White House this morning, President Obama has announced that Brick Top will be appointed to assume the post of Surgeon General of the United States.

The last appointee, Dr. Vivek Murthy, failed to be confirmed by Congress after a smear campaign organized by the NRA and right-wing propaganda outlets such as Fox News. However, the White House apparently feels that Brick Top will sail through the confirmation process because he has files on every member of Congress and knows “where the bodies are buried.”

Brick Top told reporters he had been “taken aback” by the poor quality of Ebola reporting on cable outlets. “In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again? Did you guys even pass a 6th grade science class?”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that Brick Top was chosen because of his innate ability “to get things done in a timely and efficient manner, regardless of the situation.”

“Brick Top knows how to cut through red tape…and flesh and bone for that matter,” said Earnest. “The President is frankly sick to death of all the hysteria being spread by imbecile pundits on cable outlets regarding the Ebola situation, and he wanted to appoint someone who could silence the critics and put this thing to bed.”

“Did you know there is even a conspiracy theory making the rounds that the CDC is lying to the public regarding transmission of the disease? I tell you guys, there is no shortage of stupid in this country. After he takes care of this crisis, the President is thinking of putting Brick Tip in charge of a complete overhaul of the Department of Education so we can at least come up to Third World standards.”

After Earnest was finished Brick Top came to the podium to make a few remarks.

“I want everyone in this room to understand who is in charge now,” said Brick Top. “I don’t want any criticism from you or your ilk about my methods or how the CDC is handling this matter. If I hear one more muttonheaded story on Fox News or CNN, I can assure you that you will be paid a visit by one of my boys. For you new guys, crossing me will win you a tour of my pig farm.”

Brick Top made it quite clear that anyone trumpeting any more hysterical conspiracy theories would be a “guest of honor” at his pig farm in rural Maryland

The new Surgeon General then gave a detailed description of just what a tour of his pig farm meant…

“You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

For the first time in history there were no follow-up questions from the White House Press Corps.

 

Obama Recalls Secretary Of State John Kerry From Kiev, Replaces Him With Brick Top

WASHINGTON, D.C.-At a hastily called briefing this morning, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that President Obama was recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from Kiev. Carney informed the White House Press Corps that he would be replaced by a gentleman “that really seems to know how to get things done.”

The new negotiator, known only as “Brick Top,” is a British gangland figure infamous for his strong-arm diplomacy in the underworld. “Brick Top will go over there and kick Putin’s shirtless ass,” said Carney. “The President has had it about up to here with Kerry’s ‘please and thank you’ pansy-ass diplomacy. It’s time to get tough with that megalomaniacal half-naked Cossack!”

A slightly perturbed “Brick Top” responds to James Rosen’s inane questioning in the State Department briefing room. Brick Top is famous for both his short temper and ability to negotiate favorable outcomes even in the most trying circumstances

“Brick Top” made a brief appearance in front of journalists at the State Department briefing room before catching Air Force Two for Ukraine. In a prepared statement he offered his opinions on the situation; “I plan on going over there and giving Vlad the Invader two options: withdraw or become dinner for my pigs.” “Brick Top” appeared to become agitated as he continued, “I intend to become Vladimir Putin’s arch nemesis. Do you twits in the press know what ‘nemesis’ means? It means ‘a righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent’. Personified in this case by a horrible cunt…me.”

At this point Fox News reporter James Rosen, who happened to be present at the briefing, interrupted “Brick Top” and asked, “But what about the Secretary of State, will this not make him look like some sort of fag?”

“Brick Top” reacted to Rosen’s unfortunate interruption by hurling a crystal paperweight in his direction and shouting, “Listen you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not! You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacob’s off! Furthermore, the next time you use that homophobic slur you’re going to become lunch meat! Some of my best henchmen are gay.”

Rosen tried to respond, “But I think…”

Ambassador Brick Top enjoys an adult beverage on Air Force Two in route to Kiev

“Brick Top” cut him off saying, “It can get you in a lot of trouble, thinking, James, I shouldn’t do so much of it if I were you. Now as I was saying, Putin can either pull his dick out of Crimea or have it cut off and served up medium rare to my little piggies. And that’s about all I have to say except that you pompous-ass pricks in the press are on thin ice with me, my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now FUCK OFF!”

“Brick Top” was then escorted out of the room by a small army of huge tattooed thugs and set off for Air Force Two. Secretary of State Kerry is scheduled to oversee the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parade in South Boston as consolation for being so rudely recalled from Kiev.