Ted Cruz Proposes Ban On Consensual Sex Until He Gets Some Too

 

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any,” lamented Ted Cruz as he addressed a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop at Lucky Spa Massage with Happy Ending in Hershey last night.

Cruz was referring to the fact that he had not had sex with anyone but himself in many years.

“Heidi hasn’t had anything to do with my penis since we did our Christian duty and reproduced; all she wants to do is lock herself in the bathroom with that vibrator. I’m telling you, hearing the purr of a five horsepower Tecumseh engine when you’re horny as hell is pure torture!

“I’ve tried intern after intern and I can’t even get a blow job. I’m better looking than Bill Clinton aren’t I? I don’t see how he did it.

“I can’t even buy a lay. All the prostitutes I’ve tried say that I’m too dirty and smell bad, but I take a shower at least once a week like all Texans do. It’s just not fair!”

Cruz’s proposed legislation, dubbed the Abstinence Until Ted Get’s Himself Laid Act of 2016, would go into effect immediately and apply to every citizen of the United States, regardless of sexual preference.

“I don’t want to inconvenience anybody but I’m hoping this will force some bitch to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for God and country,” said Cruz, as he gently massaged his testicles.

“I’m just sick and tired of banging all these goats, although I must admit they have lovely eyes and their horns provide excellent leverage,” said the deranged senator from Texas.

The bill calls for a complete ban on sex until Cruz enters the White House, when he can force women to have sex with him by executive order.

Congress is scheduled to take up the bill just after it votes on whether or not to launch Cruz into space along with spent fuel rods from our nation’s nuclear facilities.

 

Bentley Elected President Of Prestigious Governors Association

 

MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been elected president of the prestigious Horny Republican Governors Association, edging out former governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford in what pundits have called a ‘nip and tuck’ race between two swollen and distended southern politicians.

Sanford had long been considered the favorite to win the position because of his creativity and yarn-spinning abilities, and he held double-digit leads in the polls for most of the race.

However, Bentley made a big comeback towards the end of the contest and won the election going away in large part because voters were so impressed with his prowess, performance, and doggedness when faced with situations that would make most men his age run for the prescription bottle.

“Bentley is one of the horniest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen,” said Milton Schlongstein of the Birmingham News. “I think it was that sex tape that really gave him the inside track and lubed his way to victory.

“That old coot may look like a funeral director, but let me tell ya, he can bang away all night long in every imaginable position. He’s a real stud.”

Bentley told journalists that he’s honored to be taking over the reins of the organization and looked forward to helping it grow in length and girth.

“I think I can engorge the HRGA with new blood and significant cash donations from our allies in the business world,” said Bentley at a press conference outside the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Opelika.

The HRGA was originally created to give political cover for Tea Baggers who run as ‘family values’ candidates but who in reality will fuck anything with a pulse.

However, over the years the group has become a multi-faceted organization that has done a great deal to help out embattled right wing politicians by paying legal fees stemming from sexual harassment lawsuits, delivering bags of cash to pay off blackmailing bitches and the parents of adolescents, and finding lawyers willing to defend state officials brought up on bestiality charges.

Governor Bentley is slated to take over as president just as soon as the people of Alabama throw him out on his shriveled white hypocritical ass sometime this spring.

Daleiden Loses Virginity Four Years Ahead Of Schedule

IRVINE, CALIFORNIA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show last night, 26-year-old propaganda filmmaker and insecure dweeb David Daleiden announced that he had lost his virginity a full four years ahead of his intended target date.

Daleiden told Hannity that he had given up hope of having sex before he was 30 and the encounter was completely unexpected.

“It just happened Sean, no one was more surprised than me,” said Daleiden, who had a huge grin on his face. “No woman has ever been interested in me before now.”

“In high school I was considered a loser, and girls treated me like radioactive waste. Nothing has really changed since then, but let me tell you, these films I patched, edited, and glued together from conversations taken out of context has made me a rock star with young Christian women. It’s great!”

Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had taken a month-long leave from her job in Atlantic City and they planned on really getting to know each other over the next 30 days. “I may be in love,” he said.

Daleiden relayed to a bemused Hannity that a young God-fearing fan had approached him after a speech he made outside the trailer that serves as international headquarters for his sham organization called the Center for Medical Progress.

“She said she admired me for what I was doing and wanted to share some of God’s love,” said Daleiden.

“She told me her name was Chastity McTart from Beaver Falls, New York and she had hitchhiked across the country to meet me and thank me for the good work I was doing for women’s health issues. I just couldn’t believe it. I really hadn’t been thinking too much about sex because I didn’t know anything about it, and I’ve been too busy for the last decade trying to sink an organization dedicated to the well-being of low-income women across the United States.

Daleiden told Hannity that although he had been obsessed with controlling women’s vaginas and their personal medical decisions for most of his life, he had never really thought about how babies are made in the first place.

“But let me tell you Sean, this fucking stuff is really where it’s at!” Had I known how fun it is I wouldn’t have wasted my time with all this bullshit I’ve been involved in for so many years. In fact, I plan on fucking a lot from now on!”

In the closing segment of the show Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had promised give him something called a blowjob tonight and he was really was looking forward to it.

 

 

 

Islamic State Sex Workers Threaten To Go On Strike If Demands Are Not Met

MOSUL – (CT&P) – Representatives from the Islamic State Sex Workers Union told reporters from Al Jazeera and CNN this morning that unless immediate steps were taken to improve pay and working conditions they would have to call a general strike.

Vincent van Goat, president of the union, and union spokeswoman Muriel appeared before journalists in Mosul this morning to list their grievances with Islamic State fighters and support personnel.

Muriel, spokeswoman for the ISSWU, spoke to journalists outside a brothel in Mosul

“We have provided the very best service any terrorist could expect considering the conditions out here in this Allah-forsaken wasteland,” said Muriel.

“We’ve shown our loyalty by following these lice-ridden religious zealots all over the desert providing comfort and favors to them before, after, and in some cases even during battle. Do you know how difficult it is to perform oral sex when a drone is hovering over your head?”

“That’s right,” said van Goat. “The Islamic State owes us at least the dignity of a living wage and better working conditions. Our nannies are sick and tired of having to strip and dance around deep inside escape tunnels and in hastily dug trenches out in the searing heat. And our billies are damn sick and tired of having their beards pulled during sex. It’s an insult.”

“We at least want some nice air-conditioned tents and a reliable source of grain and water before we continue the mission,” said Muriel. “And we want a Hooker’s Bill of Rights enforced by the Islamic State Labor Department that assures, among other things, that customers won’t use our horns as leverage during sex. That’s not what they’re there for!”

Muriel told reporters that sex workers were sick and tired of being treated like a bunch of livestock. “We have feelings too,” she said.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, supreme leader of ISIS and a regular customer, responded to the demands via shortwave radio from deep inside his command cave somewhere out in the middle of fucking nowhere.

“I want to assure the leaders of the ISSWU and all its members that we are sorry for the rough treatment they have received in recent months and we will do everything in our power to make them happy. I was completely unaware of the problem. My precious Snowball has never voiced any of these concerns to me personally, but then again she is not out on the front lines like most of her coworkers.”

“I have issued orders that anyone mistreating an ungulate while having sexual relations with him or her will be burned alive or buried in the sand up to the neck near an ant bed. I feel this should take care of the problem at least for the time being,” said Baghdadi.

ISIS Supreme and Merciful Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was quick to accede to ISSWU’s demands. “We can’t afford a drop in moral like we had during the strike of 2012,” said Baghdadi.

“I also want to apologize on behalf of my fighters. You have to remember that they are only stone-age savages who until recently were wiping their asses with their left hands. At least the Americans left plenty of toilet paper around along with all those weapons so that’s not a problem anymore. Anyway, you can rest assured that conditions will improve for all sex workers doing business in the Islamic State. Now tell me, who’s your Baghdadi?”

The ISSWU issued a press release this afternoon that stated if the reforms mentioned in al-Baghdadi‘s speech were adopted immediately there would be no need for a strike and sexual favors would continue unabated across battlefields and rear areas throughout the Middle East.

“We’re all relieved that the Supreme Leader has taken quick and forceful action,” said Muriel. “A work stoppage is the last thing anyone wants. We have families to support and we really don’t want to deny any terrorist at least a blow job before he’s immolated by an exploding tank or blown to smithereens by an American drone. It’s the least we can do for these idiots.”

 

 

ROBERTSON GONE WILD!

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Viewers of the “700 Club” were somewhat taken aback yesterday when host and dangerously unhinged televangelist Pat Robertson began channeling some weird fusion of Thomas Aquinas, the Marquis de Sade, and Dr. Ruth in response to a viewer’s letter regarding a spousal relationship.

After listening to a letter from a female viewer detailing her husband’s habit of wanting outsize credit whenever he washes a dish or sweeps the floor, Robertson told the letter writer that she needs to “understand the male psyche.”

“The male wants to do something for his wife; he wants to provide for his family,” Robertson explained. “And when he cleans up, he’s saying, ‘I love you.’ That is his way of saying to you, ‘I love you.’ And you’ve got to understand that’s what it is … and you are supposed to say to him, ‘Darling, you are wonderful and I love you, too.’”

Up until this point Robertson seemed to be on pretty firm ground, which is unusual for Pat, but then things turned a little weird.

Robertson then suggested what a good wife should really do when a husband chips in on the household chores. “With each dish he’s saying, ‘I love you,’” Robertson said, “and if you understood that and you say, ‘Darling, I got a treat for you … wait ’til we get behind closed doors and you’ll see the treat I have for you’” then, presumably, good things will happen.

Robertson continued, “For example, if your husband cleans the table and washes the dishes after a meal, I think that is probably worth some exciting oral sex later on that evening. If your husband vacuums the entire house and takes the garbage out after he gets home from work, then I think oral sex plus intercourse is definitely in order. Now, if your husband forgoes his normal weekend golf outing with the boys in order to mow the grass and work around the home, then a good wife should treat him to a 48 hour sexual marathon complete with sexy lingerie, whips, and maybe  a vibrating tofu butt plug coated with hot Cambodian fish sauce.”

A clearly mortified Terry Meeuwson (Pat’s unfortunate but no doubt well paid co-host) tried to rein the Right Reverend Robertson in by saying, “Wait a minute Pat, it sounds to me like you’re suggesting that women fulfill the role of prostitute for their husbands as well as bearing children and keeping a good Christian household.”

“You’re damn right that’s what I’m saying Terry,” replied Pat, who suddenly began speaking with an accent normally reserved for South American soccer announcers.

Robertson told viewers that one way to “spice up” your spousal relationship is to include the family pet in the fun.

“The Bible says that women, being the weaker vessel, should obey their husbands and try their best to make them happy, and we all know what husbands want: sex, sex, and more sex! Wives should really investigate new and exotic ways to please their husbands. Just think of female self-debasement and sexual slavery as keys to a long and successful marriage!”

Meeuwson then tried to go  to a commercial break but Pat was on a roll since he had a new book to promote.

Robertson waved off his co-host and continued, “I have written a new book on the subject which covers all the pertinent material including positioning, bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, wife swapping, and dozens of other helpful ideas for today’s modern wife. It’s titled Pat’s Guide To Whoring Within A Loving Christian Marriage, and it’ll hit the bookshelves on July 4th, just in time for your family vacation!”

At this point the show hit a hard break and Pat was thankfully taken off the air.

Pat never got another opportunity to plug the book because after commercial he got sidetracked with his ongoing feud with fellow insane person and huckster Ken Ham over the age of the earth. However, media talking heads predict that Robertson’s new book will be a successful follow-up to his other bestsellers Pat’s Guide To Interplanetary Collisions, Pat’s Guide To Christian Nudist Camps In The Southeastern United States, Pat’s Guide To Preventing Earthquakes And Tsunamis Through The Power Of Prayer, and his lone  novel published just last year, The Pious Dominatrix.