Governor Scott Calms Fears Of Nervous Floridians

 

TALLAHASSEE – Governor Rick Scott of Florida held a press conference this afternoon to assure his constituents that they would be protected from “storm vultures” in the aftermath of Irma, which is expected to give the entire peninsula a weather enema over the weekend.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god.

“I fought hard to prevent poor Floridians from obtaining life-saving health insurance when Obamacare was enacted, and by God I’m not going to let our citizens be taken advantage of by people coming in from out-of-state to do unlicensed repairs to homes or businesses!” said Scott, as he ate a late lunch of fried infant.

“Anyone coming into our great state with water, food, generators, battery-powered vibrators, or a skill set that might help and who doesn’t have the proper paperwork will be arrested and thrown in prison, unless they happen to be black, in which case they’ll be shot on sight.”

When asked how long the licensing process would take so the people of Florida could take advantage of the services of people from surrounding states, Scott bristled and his scales appeared to change color.

“As long as it takes to make sure we fuck up the less fortunate and the middle class,” said a clearly irritated Scott.

To his credit, Scott sacrificed dozens of migrant farm workers in an attempt to please the gods and change the track of the hurricane.

 

“I’m a Christian first and a Republican second, and that means money talks and bullshit walks. If anyone wants to make a sizable donation to one of my political action groups then we can talk. Otherwise he can file for the proper permits and wait until hell freezes over to sell goods and services to people who desperately want them.

“Fuck ’em!” screamed Scott, as his bare cranium began to sweat blood.

“People get the wrong impression about the GOP; we love government when it controls vaginas, black people, hard-working immigrants and people we don’t want to make money, so I’m telling anyone who wants to come in here from out-of-state to help and make a little cash in the process, think twice asshole!

 

“I’m the only one who is allowed to rip off innocent people in this state. Just ask the guys who prosecuted me for Medicare fraud.”

 

 

Governor Scott To View Eclipse From Top Of Pyramid In Blairsville, Georgia

 

TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Rick Scott will join Georgia Governor Nathan Deal and other prominent Republicans atop a recently constructed pyramid in the small north Georgia town of Blairsville, according to a statement released today by the Governor’s Office, confirming rumors swirling around Tallahassee in recent weeks.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, which explains his complete lack of empathy and hostility towards the poor and minorities.

Although the purpose of the trip was not made clear in the statement an aide to Scott, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Tallahassee News Journal that Scott intends to sacrifice an illegal immigrant agricultural worker at the moment of total eclipse.

“As you know, Governor Scott is a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, and it’s a tradition that during a total eclipse, a priest or holy man such as the Governor rips out the still-beating heart of a captive and presents it as an offering to the Sun God Huitzilopochtli in an effort to appease the angry deity,” said the nervous and sweating aide.

The aide went on to say that the recent disappearance of several migrant workers in and around the capital were victims of Scott’s practice sessions.

“He wants to make damn sure he gets this right, because he’s going ask Huitzilopochtli to smite the poor and minority residents of Florida so he won’t have to fucking worry about them anymore,” said the aide, who began to moan and chant in a dead language before collapsing to the floor.

 

Area Man Transformed Into Human Pincushion

MURPHY, N.C. – Longtime Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson was turned into what is being described as a “human pincushion” early yesterday morning when the staff of Turtletown Primitive Baptist Medical Center penetrated his flesh with a huge ass needle approximately two dozen times in a futile attempt to start an IV flowing.

Setting up the IV was meant to be the first step in a nuclear stress test his doctor had ordered after Dickerson had complained of “weird shit” going on in his thoracic cavity.

Although a team of medical technicians, nurses, and even a few physicians attempted to start the IV for what seemed like a fortnight, they were unable to achieve success.

Dickerson told Action News reporter Billy Bob McSneed that he left the hospital feeling like “a fucking inverted porcupine.”

Action News at 11 reporter Billy Bob McSneed caught up with Dickerson at McCaysville Drug and Gun where he had stopped on his way home to purchase some bandages and ammunition for his .50 caliber sniper rifle.

“I just wanted to make sure there were no blockages that could break loose and kill my ass or worse yet cause a stroke and turn me into a fucking Trump supporter,” said Dickerson, who appeared pale from loss of blood. “I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.”

“I have no clue how he’s alive and walking around,” said Dickerson’s physician, Dr. Joe Mengele III. “The bastard appears to have no vascular system at all. We can detect a heartbeat alright, but what it’s pumping and where that material is going is a mystery to us. I plan on writing a grant proposal to the National Institutes of Health or maybe the Humane Society to get some funding to study this son of a bitch. The results could be fascinating.”

Although the medical team urged Dickerson to reschedule the test next week, Dickerson demurred saying, “I’d rather have a combination root canal and colonoscopy while viewing Dancing with the Stars. Fuck this shit.”

 

 

 

North Korea Threatens Sea Of Japan With More Missile Strikes

 

SEOUL – At a press conference in Pyongyang this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un threatened the Sea of Japan with more missile strikes if the body of water continued to allow U.S., Japanese, and South Korean warships to travel freely over its surface.

“If this cooperation continues the water will know our wrath,” said an agitated Kim. “Our missiles are being fueled and will be ready to strike anywhere we deem necessary in response to this aquatic aggression.”

As of this afternoon the Sea of Japan has not publicly responded to the threat.

Earlier this month North Korea fired four of its new Long Schlong III missiles into the middle of the fucking ocean in a show of force meant to discourage the Sea of Japan from cooperating with its enemies. A fifth missile failed to launch and its crew was executed the next day.

As of this afternoon there has been no response to the threat from the Sea of Japan, but South Korean officials stated that they weren’t particularly worried about the ravings of “that fat ass cheese-eating manchild” currently in charge of the rogue state to their north.

“They can’t aim worth a shit,” said Admiral Um Hyun-Seong, Chief of Naval Operations. “They’re just as likely to hit the South China Sea or the fucking Arctic Ocean when they launch those things. Fuck ’em.”

 

Paul Ryan Losing Patience; Anxious To Start Killing Poor People

 

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly losing patience with members of Congress who want to put the brakes on his abominable plan to fuck as many poor people as possible by denying them health insurance.

“Speaker Ryan is really pissed about this new report by the CBO,” said a staffer on condition of anonymity. “He thinks it’s just going add ammunition to wimps within the Party who have reservations about stomping on the poor.”

Ryan’s staffer told Politico that during a meeting late last night the Speaker threw a temper tantrum and started screaming that poor people “deserved to die” and he wanted it to “start happening yesterday!”

“He acted like he was unhinged,” said the staffer. “He was picking up 40 lb dumbbells and hurling them around the office like they were paperweights. One female staffer was hit in the leg and she had to go to the emergency room. He was screaming ‘That’ll show you, you bitch! I hope you enrolled in our office plan! Next time move your ass out-of-the-way!’ as she was being removed from the office on a gurney.”

“I’m currently looking for alternative employment,” said the staffer. “I really don’t see much future with the Speaker in politics if he continues down this road.”

Politico is also reporting that Ryan has plans to become an evangelist if he loses in the next round of elections.

“That way I can fuck poor people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” Ryan is reported to have said.

Weather Channel Warns Of Cannibalism In Wake Of Winter Storm

 

NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.

“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.

Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.

“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”

Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.

New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.

“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”

 

 

Weather Channel Hopeful Late Season Snowstorm Could Produce High Body Count

 

ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.

“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.

“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.

“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.

“We have high hopes for this one.”

 

 

North Korea Fires Four More Missiles Into The Fucking Ocean

 

TOKYO – North Korea fired four ballistic missiles early Monday morning in what Japan’s leader described as “an extremely dangerous action.”

A fifth missile failed to launch, a US official told CNN.

Military authorities in South Korea, Japan and the United States all confirmed the launch of four projectiles, which traveled almost 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) towards the Sea of Japan, also known as the East Sea. One US official said they were believed to be North Korea’s newest intermediate-range missiles, known as Long Schlong III’s.

Jeffrey Lewis, director of the US-based East Asia Nonproliferation Program, told CNN the North Koreans’ recent behavior was the sort “you see from a state that can’t find its ass with both hands.”

“They keep launching missiles into the fucking ocean,” said Lewis. “God knows what the fuck they’re aiming at. So far they’ve only proved they’re a threat to sea creatures or the occasional unlucky trawler.”

The launches were hailed as great achievements by North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, who told the North Korea Central News Agency that “Test great success. We hit ocean. Many fish now dead.”

The North Korean government celebrated the successful launch by issuing 25 extra calories in the form of stale bread to every citizen not currently engaged in slave labor at one of the nation’s many concentration camps.

The crew of the missile that failed to launch will be executed later today.

Latest Reports Reveal Russian Ambassador Showered Sessions With Gifts

WASHINGTON – The Washington Post is reporting that after meetings with then Senator Jeff Sessions last summer, Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak showered the Trump surrogate with expensive gifts in an apparent attempt to curry favor with the Trump Campaign and potential 45th President of the United States.

According to the article in the Post, the gifts included but were not limited to an expensive top-of-the-line tricycle, a large jungle gym playset, an extra small Confederate uniform with a miniature battle flag, and a Shetland pony.

According to the article in the Post, the gifts included an expensive tricycle and deluxe jungle gym for Sessions’ plantation in Alabama.

The article claims that Sessions did not report the gifts and should never have accepted them in the first place.

“If this is true Attorney General Sessions is in violation of senate rules,” said Johnny Isakson (R-GA), Chairman of the Senate Ethics Committee. “This is very serious.”

When reached for comment about the allegations, Attorney General Sessions denied that he had received any gifts from any Russian official, and had in fact never spoken to the Russian ambassador in his life.

“I wouldn’t recognize the Russian ambassador if I looked up at him from a foot away,” said the diminutive racist from Alabama.

After Sessions denied the allegations made in the article, the Post published photographs of the Attorney General riding his new pony on a farm in Maryland.

“In fact, I’ve never spoken to anyone from Russia at all. I can’t even tell you where Russia is. I know Sarah Palin knows where it is; why don’t you go ask her about the Russian ambassador.”

Despite his denials, the Post is standing by its story, and released photographs of Sessions riding his new pony on a farm belonging to a Republican state senator from Maryland. There were also photos of the attorney general playing on his jungle gym with friends and riding his tricycle on the sidewalk outside a bar in Georgetown.

At a hurriedly called press conference this morning, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer called for Sessions to resign.

“I don’t care how much fun the Attorney General is having with his new toys,” said a visibly irritated Schumer, “it’s his duty as an American citizen to resign and return those gifts.”

So far there has been no response from the Trump Administration to the disturbing new revelations.

White House Press Secretary Sean Sphincter told reporters that the President was far too busy finalizing plans to nuke Pyongyang to worry about any fucking Shetland ponies.

 

CPAC Rejects Trickle-Down Theory of Sexuality

 

WASHINGTON – So far it hasn’t been such a good week for slimy pedophile cretin, Clorox victim, and vile swamp thing Milo Yiannopoulos.

On Monday, the organizers of the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their invitation for him to be their keynote speaker at their annual hatefest taking place at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. Simon & Schuster said it was canceling publication of “Dangerous” after standing by him through weeks of criticism of the deal. And Breitbart itself was reportedly reconsidering his role amid calls online for it to sever ties with him.

The polemical Breitbart editor and unapologetic defender of the alt-right, tested the limits of how far his provocations could go after the publication of a video in which he condones sexual relations with boys as young as 13 and laughs off the seriousness of pedophilia by Roman Catholic priests.

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that Mr. Yiannapoulos’ views regarding sex with minors were unacceptable, at least when they were voiced in public. Schlapp said that CPAC would seek a replacement speaker who was more in line with mainstream conservative values.

“We initially extended the invitation knowing that the free speech issue on college campuses is a battlefield where we need brave, conservative standard-bearers,” Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, said in a written statement. “Normally we are proud to have Nazis, fake Christians, and other deplorable motherfuckers speak to us at CPAC; it gets us horny and ready for a night on the town in some of D.C.’s best brothels.

“However, as cute as he is, Milo went a little too far this time. Having sex with underage boys and girls is fine with us as is other deviant behavior, as long as it’s kept secret. When you come out into the open about this stuff it can be problematic,” said the hypocritical asshole.

“I don’t want anyone to worry,” continued a profusely sweating Schlapp. “CPAC is proud to have had some of the most hypocritical ministers, sociopathic politicians, and other subhuman monsters of the right wing speak at our convention, and trust me, this year will be no exception.”

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that the ACU had reached out to Rocky Suhayda, leader of the American Nazi Party, and David Duke to see if either one of them could take Yiannopoulos’ place as keynote speaker.

As of noon today Yiannopoulos was unavailable for comment regarding his sudden fall from grace. Sources tell the Times-Picayune that he is on holiday with Ann Coulter torturing small animals in a wildlife preserve just across the Mexican border.