Trump Replaces Bill O’Reilly As Nation’s Most Prominent Asshole

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll conducted just this morning has found that a majority of Americans now believe that Donald Trump is the most obnoxious asshole they have ever heard of. Trump edged out Bill O’Reilly, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Jim Inhofe to win top honors.

The lightning poll of 100 million adults asked participants to rate each individual in terms of obnoxiousness, pomposity, lack of empathy, stupidity, and blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance.

“The results were stunning,” said Michael Dimock, President of Pew Research. “65% of those polled rated Trump the ‘largest walking anus’ they had ever seen, with the former champ Bill O’Reilly dropping to a distant second place.”

When asked if they could describe Trump in one word, participants in the poll used adjectives like “vile,” “heinous,” “disgusting,” “loathsome,” “repugnant,” and “odious” to describe the Republican front-runner.

When asked why he thought there was such a shift in public opinion, Dimock said that the almost unfathomable amount of bullshit pouring forth from Trump’s mouth in recent weeks probably had something to do with it.

Although O’Reilly is no longer considered “king of the assholes” by the American public, he retained his title of “Biggest Horse’s Ass on Television.”

“When you go around saying that 17% of our population consists of a gang of diseased rapists and start bad-mouthing a war hero when you yourself got a deferment for an ankle sprain, people naturally start to regard you as some kind of hideous parasitic worm, which is exactly what Trump is,” said Dimock.

Dimock was less decisive as to whether the change in attitude would affect Trump’s campaign for the Republican nomination for president.

“Most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Dimock. “I mean we’re talking about the Tea Party wing of the GOP; these people can’t even spell moron or constitution correctly on their protest signs.

“I think Trump will continue to poll pretty well among those Neanderthals. They think he’s ‘telling it like it is’ when he has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s still got a shot.”

When Trump was asked about the poll during a press conference this afternoon, he told reporters, “Yes, that’s right. I’m the richest asshole in the United States.”

Bill O’Reilly, who held the top spot for many years, claimed the poll was a conspiracy hatched by White House officials and their friends in the liberal media.

When reached by phone for comment, O’Reilly told New York Times reporter Emily Steel that the poll was wildly inaccurate and he was still the biggest asshole on the public stage. He also threatened to kill anyone involved in the poll or any employee of Pew Research that he could get his hands on.

 

Something Stupid This Way Comes: Jeb Unveils Five Year Plan For Economic Nirvana

MANCHESTER, N.H. – (CT&P) – GOP frontrunner Jeb Bush unveiled his subjugation-based economic plan yesterday during an interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader, the first-in-the-nation primary state’s most read paper.

The plan, dubbed Prosperity Through Oppression, calls for poor people to work longer hours, reduce their caloric intake, and move to hovels located along railroad right-of-ways so that large corporations and wealthy Americans can make more money.

Jeb is said to have come up with his economic plan during a late night tequila-shooting session with his brother “W”

The theory is that when the rich get more money in their hands they will invest it in new companies that will provide subsistence level jobs for America’s poor and the rapidly dwindling middle class.

“It’s a win-win,” said Bush. “The less fortunate will be able to get off their lazy asses and work 18 hours per day while living on a diet of cheap carbohydrates and fat, foods that the wealthy in this country tend to avoid. If we can limit their caloric intake to around 800 calories a day, well then they’ll lose unwanted pounds, be healthier, and save us a ton of money on medical expenses while building a better society for the 1%.

Bush’s plan calls for 100% employment of poor people down to age five, thus freeing up time for the 1% to boost the economy by purchasing luxury goods

“Research done by scientists in Germany has proven that people can work up to 20 hours per day with very little sleep or food and still be productive,” continued Bush. “Now we Republicans aren’t scientists, in fact most of us aren’t even capable of critical thought, but I think in this case they’re right because their conclusions coincide with our archaic economic policies.”

When asked how his plan differed from his closest rival Donald Trump’s, Bush explained that Trump inherited his money and had no clue how to build a business like the Bush family did.

Bush said that economic research has proven that long hours combined with low caloric intake can boost the economy by as much as 4%

“Trump’s plan is clearly bigoted,” said the “intelligent” Bush. “He wants to build a wall and liquidate all the Mexicans who try to get over it, while deporting any Hispanics currently living in the United States, thus freeing up jobs for white people. My plan treats everyone equally. We intend to work all poor people into an early grave regardless of their race, creed, or color.

“We have to remember that America’s premier intellectuals recommend a combination of trickle down economics combined with stone-age austerity when things start to slow down. If you don’t believe me just go to Brietbart or The Blaze and read up on it like I did.”

When asked what he would do with trash that refused to work 90-100 hour weeks, Bush said that they would be rounded up and placed in camps surrounded by concertina wire and German Shepherds.

“If nothing else they can make bullets and proximity fuses that we’ll need once we invade Iran,” said Bush.

Robby The Robot To Run For Republican Nomination

ALTAIR IV – (CT&P) – Minutes after hearing that Rick Perry had jumped in the race for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, Robby the Robot announced he was joining the race as well. At a press conference this morning held outside Dr. Morbius’ home on the “Forbidden Planet,” Robby told reporters that he was joining the approximately three dozen other Republicans in the race for the White House.

Commander John Adams and his sometime girlfriend Altaira, both Democrats, were shocked and dismayed by Robby’s announcement. “He’s smarter than the rest of those idiots put together and stands a real chance of being elected,” said Adams.

“If that moron Rick Perry can run, then so can a fucking robot,” said Robby. “I possess about 100 times the computing power of Rick Perry’s brain, and have a far deeper grasp of the complicated problems that the earth faces in the 21st century.”

This marks the first time Robby has delved into politics. In the past he’s been content to do menial chores around the cosmic outpost and occasionally fight off “monsters from the Id.”

“My experience battling unseen forces of evil from the depths of the human subconscious makes me uniquely suited to defend America from foreign threats. I plan to set up force fields along the Mexican border that will instantly vaporize any Central American kids that want to invade and steal all of our minimum wage jobs,” said Robby.

Robby is said to have discussed his political plans with his good friend from the other side of the aisle John Kerry

“Furthermore, I’m going to use my energy weapons to pulverize ISIS and turn Iran into a worthless pile of fused glass. After that, I’ll turn my attention to domestic issues and get on with the process of denying black people the vote and doing away with these silly attempts to provide poor people with affordable health care.

“I’m what America needs! A ruthlessly logical machine that is devoid of empathy and compassion. I hope you’ll consider voting for me. I’ll be available for questions when I arrive on earth in 2.5 light years. Thank you.”

Although Robby is little more than a right-wing pile of circuit breakers and transistors, Republican leaders have said that he stands as good a chance as any to seize the nomination.

“Considering our current lineup of fruitcakes, dunderheads, and religious kooks, anything could happen,” said RNC Chairman Reince “Beavis” Priebus.

 

Entire Republican Party To Run For President

Flanked by members of the Republican Sturmabteilung, Lindsey Graham announced his candidacy today. He will be one of roughly one million candidates for the Republican nomination.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince “Beavis” Priebus announced this morning that all members of the Republican Party, both living and dead, will be invited to run for President of the United States in the upcoming 2016 race.

“We’re desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who can defeat Hillary,” Priebus said during an appearance on Fox and Friends, a morning talk show co-hosted by three of the dumbest hominids to ever walk the earth.

Priebus said that even illiterate Tea Baggers would be welcome to join in the race for the White House. “The more the merrier,” said Priebus.

“This was not an easy decision,” said Priebus, as the three dimwitted bipeds stared dully back at the monitor, “but you’ve all seen our current lineup of religious kooks, homophobes, and fear mongering dunderheads. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.”

“We had to do something drastic because the GOP has become synonymous with those who wish to deny health care to the poor, control women’s reproductive organs, deny equal rights to homosexuals, and crush the oppressed classes beneath the heels of their corporate jackboots.”

“So we’re suspending the usual requirements and opening up the race to any member of the Republican Party who has any type of higher brain function. Granted, that counts a lot of us out, but I still think we could have a million or so party members competing for the nomination.”

Priebus told the nitwits on Fox that the logistics of getting all one million candidates into the same building for a debate would have to be ironed out later.