An Obamacare Holiday Massacre

Fox News interrupted coverage of the mythical “War on Christmas” today to report the latest in a long line of Obamacare atrocities.The report, if corroborated by actual news organizations, could deal a heavy blow to the new health care system.

Starship Captain and cutting edge investigative reporter Shepherd Smith reported a huge loss of life associated with the healthcare.gov website. Hundreds of thousands if not millions of innocents lost their lives in the run up to Thanksgiving because of a software “glitch” on the site. “They had logged on seeking health insurance for their families and instead were rerouted to the dreaded ‘Death Panel’  page, where they were immediately condemned,” said Smith. “These poults never had a chance,” Smith continued, “they were rounded up, executed, and became the main course in households across the country on Thanksgiving Day.”

Smith featured an interview on his program with Sean Hannity, Fox’s ace debater and insightful intellectual. Hannity revealed an even more shocking aspect of the disaster. “My sources have informed me that some of these innocent young turkeys had knowledge of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi abomination, and were threatening to expose her,” said Hannity. “This is an insidious conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of government, and we intend to spend the next eight or nine months speculating about it on my show.”

Representative Michele Bachman, who vociferously warned her constituents about these “Death Panels”, was unavailable for comment as she was attending a Tea Party sponsored “Origin of the Species” book burning festival at the Texas Board of Education along with Senator Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz Zombie Theory Discredited By Scientists

Scientists at the Center For Sanity in Politics discounted the theory that Ted Cruz is actually a zombie under the control of Tea Party coven leader Michele Bachmann. “We really believe that it is unlikely that Cruz is a zombie, despite his irrational actions and lack of higher brain function,” said Dr. Frank Black, head of research at CSP.

Speculation and rumor concerning Cruz increased last week after an event at a fundraiser in Muleshoe, Texas. Cruz was ranting about how Obamacare will end life as we know it on planet earth when, during a particularly violent gesticulation, a portion of his right index finger flew off into the crowd. Although no one in the audience noticed, the event was caught on video and quickly went viral on the Web.

Dr. Black and his team have since been analyzing the video along with other videos of speeches by the Senator. “We think that it is far more likely that Cruz is either a replicant like the others manufactured at Fox News Laboratories or possibly he is some form of genetic throwback,” Black said. “Either possibility would account for his total lack of empathy for the poor and otherwise disadvantaged citizens of this country.”

“What we find truly baffling is that this man was ever elected in the first place, but I suppose stranger things have happened,” said Black. “After all, 48% of Americans believe UFO’s are some form of alien visitation, and 41% believe we are living in the end times described in the Bible. There seems to be a bottomless well of idiocy in the United States,” Black said.

Although Cruz was unavailable for comment, an aide to the Senator stated “These rumors are ridiculous. Furthermore, the loss of Sen Cruz’ finger will in no way affect his ability to govern if elected President. He will still be able to push the nuclear button at the slightest provocation. He’ll simply use his left hand.”