SEOUL – (CT&P) – This morning North Korean Dear Beloved Large-Bladdered Vivacious Leader Kim Jong-un began a mission to “mark his territory” as a “show of strength and endurance” after launching another series of malfunctioning rockets and missiles into the sea this week.
The thoroughly unbalanced pudgy cretin who leads a country of starving peasants and nervous-as-fuck totalitarian generals vowed to walk along the entire length of the 160 mile-long heavily militarized border with South Korea, urinating as he went.
Kim told a cadre of shaking, sweaty reporters that he intended to show the American and South Korean “pig dogs” just who was boss on “this God-forsaken peninsula.”
“The imperialist swine are conducting military exercises intended to frighten us and prepare the way for an invasion so they can steal the vast riches we have worked so hard to amass,” said the murderous dunderhead.
“We will not be intimidated,” said the porcine imbecile as he slurped up an extra-large lard smoothie.
Korea watchers and Pentagon officials told CNN that Kim probably felt like he had to initiate the “pissing contest” when two more of his missiles went awry yesterday during yet another test of North Korea’s inferior weaponry.
“They were attempting to test two of their new medium range missiles, the Longdong II, which was designed to hit targets in the United States,” said Air Force General Buck Turgidson.
“But one just fell into the Sea of Japan, which is practically overflowing with their fucking low tech gadgetry from earlier tests. The other streaked straight up into the stratosphere and according to NASA is on its way out of the solar system. Will these idiots never give up?”
According to General Turgidson the hapless North Koreans also tested a new “super secret” rocket called the Vulgarian I, a short, stubby weapon shaped like a Vienna sausage which, according to the general, is all bluster and no substance.
“The Vulgarian I is completely full of shit,” said Turgidson. “Its only purpose is to scare and intimidate the poorly educated into doing the launcher’s bidding.”
Mr. Kim is expected to complete his journey sometime next month, by which time the joint U.S.-South Korean military exercises will be over, and the dehydrated dictator can get back to eating cheese and executing extended family members with Alsatians and anti-aircraft guns.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 