THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced today that the long-awaited choice of astronauts for the unprecedented manned mission to Mars has finally been made. Representative Michel Bachmann (R-MN) will command the mission, Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) will be Payload Specialist and Representative Steve King (R-IA) will be Flight Engineer for the 2 1/2 year round trip.
The crew of simpletons will be required to do little more than popping the hatch and planting an American flag on the surface of Mars before getting back in the spacecraft and playing checkers for 18 months while they wait for the return launch window.
The choice of astronauts for the mission has been delayed several times over the past six months and has been a source of consternation within NASA and other Federal agencies. Bolden placed blame for the delays on the stringent physical and psychological requirements needed to make the long and boring mission a success.
Bolden told reporters that the length of the mission presented a great many challenges to the crew, as well as to Mission Control in Houston.
“The spacecraft is so advanced that it can basically fly itself, so our main concern was just what type of crew we wanted to man this thing,” said Bolden.
Bachmann was thrilled to be named commander of the first manned mission to Mars
“We have several critical challenges that the astronauts will have to surmount during the Mars expedition: isolation and monotony, distance-related communication delays with the Earth, leadership issues, group interaction, and cultural misunderstandings and political differences within the crew,” said Bolden.
NASA engineers had to totally re-work the payload capabilities of the spacecraft when Bachmann insisted on bringing along a granite copy of the Ten Commandments so that “The people of Mars will be reminded to abide by God’s will.”
“Because of these dilemmas, we sought out a crew that is basically composed of people who are barely intelligent enough to drive automobiles here on earth,” Bolden said.
“That way, all we have to do is say something like, ‘Push the bright red blinking button now, Michelle,’ Or, ‘Time to dump the waste now Louie,’ or ‘STEVE! Put your fucking helmet on before popping the hatch this time!’ in order to get these twits to Mars alive and in one piece.”
The crew cabin of the Mars spacecraft had to be redesigned in order to accommodate Representative Gohmert’s pet goat Snowball. For many years he has refused to go anywhere without her.
“Their almost total inability to reason or engage in critical thought will prevent them from getting bored and going insane on the long trip. After all, the three of them have spent years in Congress without doing anything constructive, so we think that they will hold up just fine playing checkers and talking amongst themselves about illegal immigrants, gay marriage, Benghazi, and Obamacare for almost 30 months straight.”
“We feel that the fact that none of these people ever come up with any ideas or attitudes that were not around during the Middle Ages, and their almost total homogeneity on important issues confronting the world today, will allow them to avoid arguments and petty disputes that could lead to disaster among a more intelligent flight crew,” said Bolden.
Unfortunately for the crew the mission means that they will all have to, temporarily at least, retire from politics.
“It’s a sacrifice that we feel is well worth it,” said Bachmann. “All three of us feel that we will be greeted as liberators and heroes by the oppressed people of Mars. After all, no human beings have been there since the Apollo program. It will be interesting to see what progress they have made since then.”
Perhaps the happiest man on earth when the choice of crew was announced was Speaker of the House John Boehner. As he was exiting Golden Tan and Massage in Georgetown today he told reporters “Thank God those morons won’t be around for the presidential election. We can’t afford to look like idiots again in 2016.”
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 