Johnson Breaks Pledge, Gets High As A Kite Before Interview

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Former New Mexico governor, Libertarian Party presidential nominee, and dedicated stoner Gary Johnson broke his pledge today not to smoke pot before the election in November.

Johnson appeared to be totally baked on Morning Joe this morning when he was interviewed by Mike Barnacle, a frequent guest on the show.

Barnacle was quizzing Johnson on the situation in the Middle East when he asked what the candidate would do about Aleppo.

“About who?” asked Johnson from behind a pair of dark sunglasses.

“Aleppo,” replied Barnacle.

“What’s Aleppo dude?”

“You’re kidding.”

“No.” said Johnson. “What the fuck are you talking about Mike?”

As Barnacle was shaking his head in disbelief, Johnson stared off in the distance and appeared to be deep in thought. Then a light bulb seemed to go on in his head, and he broke out in a huge smile.

“Ohhhh, I’m with you now Mike. Sorry, I’m a little buzzed. Yeah, I have an Aleppo. I used it this morning to fire up my bong.”

When Barnacle explained that he was talking about a city in Syria and not a lighter, Johnson turned serious and told him that although he had no idea what was going on in Aleppo he thought Syria was “one hot mess.”

“I don’t see why those folks can’t just sit down, chill out, and love one another,” said Johnson as he furiously scratched the top of his head.

Barnacle ended the interview after Johnson asked for some potato chips and dip for the third time in as many minutes.

Breaking his pledge could be a serious blow to Mr. Johnson’s campaign, just as he is making a final push to improve his standing in the polls. His support needs to reach 15 percent in a series of major national polls to be included in the presidential debates.

On Twitter the question “What is Aleppo?” is trending, with many critics arguing that Mr. Johnson has disqualified himself from the presidency. However, the RNC has already approached Johnson about running for governor in Colorado.

Bill O’Reilly Laments Downfall of Western Civilizaton at the Hands of Personal Freedom

NEW YORK-We here at the Times-Picayune could not let the week pass without reporting the latest abomination to spew from the lips of Fox News talking head and pompous ass Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly is well-known for being vehemently against change of any sort. However, on Monday night Billy gave up all pretense of acting like a rational being as he sounded the clarion call for elderly white people the world over to take action against the deadly combination of personal freedom and technological progress.

O’Reilly began by blasting “the liberal media” for making pot glamorous and continued from there: “Teens using marijuana before the age of 18 are far more likely to develop psychosis, and one in six children who try pot will become addicted.” His lordship continued, “For more bad news, combine the drug aspect with the Internet. 33% of teenagers send more than 100 text messages a day and 66% say that their parents have imposed no rules regarding texting.”

O’Reilly concluded this chapter of his paranoid fantasy by saying “Young people in America are combining drugs, alcohol, and high-tech to build false lives and run away from reality. This is an epidemic that will lead to a weaker nation; anyone who tells you different is lying to you.”

But O’Reilly was not satisfied with warning us about this weird combination of supposed “threats” to our republic. Taking a page from Glenn Beck’s playbook he artfully weaved a conspiratorial tapestry of pseudo science, revisionist history, and wishful thinking into a horror so great that it would cause H.P. Lovecraft to cower in root cellar.

O’Reilly’s theory centers around the malevolent effects on society caused when personal freedom is combined with technological advancement. He believes that the synergy created by these two evil trends will in the end precipitate a cultural Armageddon from which there is no escape. O’Reilly zeroes in on the invention of the printing press in Germany by Gutenberg in 1450 (China was 400 years ahead of us) as being the single most destructive event in the history of western civilization.

“It allowed the spread and growth of literacy throughout Europe, a privilege that had rightly been reserved for representatives of the church,” said O’Reilly. “When ‘the folks’ started to learn how to read and slowly began to gain knowledge, serfdom was doomed, and the power of the Catholic Church began to deteriorate. It was only a matter of time until feudalism, a time-tested and church-approved way of life, was history.” At this point O’Reilly had to pause and wipe a tear from his eye.

The steam locomotive was cited by O’Reilly as being a particularly evil invention as it “allowed people to travel anywhere they damn well pleased at minimal expense.”

O’Reilly composed himself and continued, “You see folks, increased knowledge walks hand in hand with a desire for liberty. More liberty and personal freedom breeds even more knowledge and with it comes technological innovation. It’s a hellish combination that causes a veritable avalanche of societal development that precipitates a ‘runaway freight train’ of progress.”

O’Reilly paused for effect as translucent nictitating membranes closed over his eyes. Then he said, “Progress in society inevitably makes reactionary sticks-in-the-mud such as you and me irrelevant. I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope for people like us.” At this point, obviously depressed and shaking uncontrollably, O’Reilly had to be helped off the set by his roommate and celibate life-partner Pat Buchanan.

Shortly after the conclusion of the broadcast, 911 operators across the United States were swamped by calls from predominately white nursing homes as thousands of O’Reilly viewers attempted suicide.