Trump Replaces Bill O’Reilly As Nation’s Most Prominent Asshole

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll conducted just this morning has found that a majority of Americans now believe that Donald Trump is the most obnoxious asshole they have ever heard of. Trump edged out Bill O’Reilly, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Jim Inhofe to win top honors.

The lightning poll of 100 million adults asked participants to rate each individual in terms of obnoxiousness, pomposity, lack of empathy, stupidity, and blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance.

“The results were stunning,” said Michael Dimock, President of Pew Research. “65% of those polled rated Trump the ‘largest walking anus’ they had ever seen, with the former champ Bill O’Reilly dropping to a distant second place.”

When asked if they could describe Trump in one word, participants in the poll used adjectives like “vile,” “heinous,” “disgusting,” “loathsome,” “repugnant,” and “odious” to describe the Republican front-runner.

When asked why he thought there was such a shift in public opinion, Dimock said that the almost unfathomable amount of bullshit pouring forth from Trump’s mouth in recent weeks probably had something to do with it.

Although O’Reilly is no longer considered “king of the assholes” by the American public, he retained his title of “Biggest Horse’s Ass on Television.”

“When you go around saying that 17% of our population consists of a gang of diseased rapists and start bad-mouthing a war hero when you yourself got a deferment for an ankle sprain, people naturally start to regard you as some kind of hideous parasitic worm, which is exactly what Trump is,” said Dimock.

Dimock was less decisive as to whether the change in attitude would affect Trump’s campaign for the Republican nomination for president.

“Most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Dimock. “I mean we’re talking about the Tea Party wing of the GOP; these people can’t even spell moron or constitution correctly on their protest signs.

“I think Trump will continue to poll pretty well among those Neanderthals. They think he’s ‘telling it like it is’ when he has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s still got a shot.”

When Trump was asked about the poll during a press conference this afternoon, he told reporters, “Yes, that’s right. I’m the richest asshole in the United States.”

Bill O’Reilly, who held the top spot for many years, claimed the poll was a conspiracy hatched by White House officials and their friends in the liberal media.

When reached by phone for comment, O’Reilly told New York Times reporter Emily Steel that the poll was wildly inaccurate and he was still the biggest asshole on the public stage. He also threatened to kill anyone involved in the poll or any employee of Pew Research that he could get his hands on.

 

Historic Nuclear Deal Reached; Republicans Misplace Their Minds

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) -Iran reached a historic deal with six world powers on Tuesday that promises to curb Tehran’s controversial nuclear program in exchange for economic sanctions relief.

The accord was announced on Tuesday by Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif and the European Union’s foreign policy chief Federica Mogherini in a joint statement in the Austrian capital, Vienna.

President Obama spoke from the White House on Tuesday, touting the historic importance of the deal and threatening to veto any legislation blocking it. Obama also stated that the terms of the agreement would be enforced. “This deal is not built on trust, it is built on verification,” the president stated.

Mike Huckabee called the agreement “a pact with Satan” written by gay couples recently married in what used to be America before it was destroyed by President Obama and the Supreme Court.

Predictably, Republicans came out of the woodwork to decry the agreement before they even had a chance to read the fucking thing.

“Although I have not yet read the agreement, I’m really disappointed,” said Senator John McCain. “There’s still time to bomb the shit out of them and that’s what I think we should do. Iran is a target-rich environment that practically screams ‘bomb me,’ so let’s get cracking before Israel beats us to the punch.”

Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz said, “This agreement is the worst agreement ever made by a president of the United States, and although I have not read it yet, I am sure we have signed our sovereignty over to the United Nations.”

Dr. Ben Carson, another kook seeking the GOP nomination for president, told Fox News that “This is the worst agreement ever made since the earth was created 6,000 years ago. I expect a flood of Biblical proportions to envelop the continental United States as punishment for this treaty which I have not yet had time to read.”

Mike Huckabee, well-known religious fanatic and perennial candidate for president, said “This agreement was written by homosexuals. It is the work of Satan, and God will punish us for it. The United States is just not the bigoted warlike nation I grew up in. As soon as I get my hands on a copy so I can read it, I plan on using it as a burnt offering to Our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Perhaps the scariest response came from the most unbalanced and dangerous member of the Republican Party, Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas.

Senator Tom Cotton said that once he had a chance to read the agreement it would confirm in his mind that it would cause the downfall of western civilization. He said a much better option would be a protracted war that would cost millions of lives and still fail to resolve the issue.

“This agreement between two tyrannical dictators spells doom for the American people,” said Cotton, while gnawing on the shinbone of an unidentified Muslim. The only reasonable solution to the Iran problem is genocide. If this agreement holds up, it could mean peace for decades to come, and I’m not standing for it. If I have to, I’ll destroy an American city and blame it on the Iranians. We must have war! Praise the Lord!”

The deal also has its detractors all over Iran’s neighborhood. The most outspoken of them is Israel, whose leaders have fought hard to obstruct a nuclear accord. They say the deal’s lax restrictions will actually help Iran build a bomb, while sanctions relief will allow Iran to funnel more funds to terrorist groups in the region.

On Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called the agreement “a bad mistake of historic proportions.”

President Obama has responded to all the criticism by saying that he really does not give a shit what they think and he’ll be damned if he leads us into another useless war in the Middle East.

“Screw them,” said Obama. “If Israel wants to nuke those assholes let them do it. We’ve spent enough money trying to make those savages behave. To hell with it!”

 

“MOVE BITCH, Get Out The Way!”

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Please God someone get this woman to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I’ve seen grown men rip their own heads off in order to avoid listening to her patented and unique brand of stupid.

She is running neck and neck in the moron department with that other “glittering jewel of colossal ignorance”, Michele Bachmann, and that takes an extraordinary amount of incoherence.

There is a special place in Hell awaiting John McCain for dragging this monster out of the wilds of Alaska and putting her in front of a bloody camera! Why doesn’t he advocate bombing this creature? That’s his standard solution to every other problem.

Oh, the humanity!

GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!