Fox News: Russia Invades Ukraine, Obamacare And Benghazi To Blame

NEW YORK-Friday, on her nightly Obama hate-fest, Greta Van Susteren of Fox News announced that her crack team of investigators had obtained a copy of a “secret memo” sent from Vladimir Putin to selected members of the Russian Duma outlining his intentions a la Ukraine and Crimea. The memo leaked out because a member of “The Committee of Public Safety” code-named “Danton” objected to Putin’s use of military force.

According to Greta, Putin stated in the memo; “The American imperialist dogs have become weak and spineless because of the Muslim negro Obama’s attempt to provide healthcare to the unfortunate victims of their corrupt capitalist society. The lack of response to the Benghazi terrorist attack is clear evidence that the once powerful American swine have no stomach left for a fight after the ill-advised wars in Afganistan and Iraq. Now is the time comrades! Let us regain our natural place in the world by invading and subjugating countries who could benefit from our culture of chess grandmasters, manic-depressive literature, excellent vodka, and our nuclear reactor design expertise! The Muslim protozoa Obama will not dare to respond!”

A panel of distinguished experts on the show agreed. The well-paid group of doltish pundits emphasized that the Russian incursion into Crimea had nothing to do with Putin’s desire to secure and protect Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Sevastopol. They also assured Fox’s elderly white audience Putin’s actions had nothing to do with Russia’s traditional sphere of influence in Ukraine. No, it was all about Obama, vortex of all evil in the modern world.

Greta stated that the memo detailed Putin’s plans to sweep into western Europe after Ukraine had been successfully taken back into the fold. According to Van Susteren, drunken, power-mad hordes of invincible Russian infantry will then invade Poland and the Baltic countries. Russian armored columns will form a veritable “steamroller to Berlin” just like in 1945.

Greta and her simple-minded and vacuous panel came to the unfortunate conclusion that America as we know it has very little time left. In only five short years President Obama has managed to wreck all that is good about the United States. It will be up to Republican governors to try to save what is left of America when the savage saber-wielding Cossacks arrive on our shores to rape and pillage our beautiful land. In short, we are doomed.

In the Spirit of the Season, Satan Offers Fox News Anchors Blanket Amnesty

Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.

It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.

At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”

Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”

Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.

At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.