Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Executive Orders

 

WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.

“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.

“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.

“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.

Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.

“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.

Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.

When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.

The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”

Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.

 

Support For Trump Surges With Abused Women

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Just one day after a “hit piece” in the New York Times about how Donald Trump treats women was published, a new poll suggests that his support among abused women has surged to new heights.

The Quinnipiac/SurveyMonkey poll taken of 1000 current and former beauty queens, victims of domestic abuse, and sex slaves across the United States this morning found that an average of 80% of the abused/objectified woman demographic found Trump attractive. 70% said they would marry Trump immediately if he became available, and 65% said they would have sex with him no questions asked.

Petra Warmtwatavich dated Mr. Trump for over a week during the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow in 2013. Warmtwatavich was a hero of the 2008 Russo-Georgian War where she knocked out three Georgian tanks using sticky bombs made from plastic explosive stuffed into silk stockings and coated with Astroglide.

“The article in the Times seems to have really shored up his support among women who are used to being viewed as a piece of meat to be used and discarded,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of SurveyMonkey.

“Women who have had their personalities beaten down to nothing and their lives shattered at the hands of men seem to really dig The Donald.”

Rowanne Brewer Lane, a former model who was featured in the article, told Fox News this morning that the Times spun the information and were out to get a “good man.”

“After the first inspection, in which Mr. Trump carefully examined me from head to toe and probed critical areas for firmness, we got along great. He was a perfect gentleman and was even nice enough to ask if I was on my period before our first date. You don’t run into that kind of caring, sensitive man very often.”

 

Petra Warmtwatavich, Miss Siberia 2012, agreed with Lane.

“Mr. Trump very nice,” said Warmtwatavich. “Mr. Trump have many rubles. I marry Mr. Trump but Petra need more than small American penis can give.”

 

There have been no polls taken yet of the general public or of the all-important married women demographic after the Times piece was published, but pundits believe it will do nothing to help Trump’s huge negatives with women in general.

“Trump is unique in American politics because we’ve never seen such a moronic buffoon reach such heights,” said former Vermont governor Howard Dean on MSNBC. “After this article he’ll no doubt try to go out and play the ‘abused woman’ card, but it won’t get him anywhere. There are simply not enough cases of domestic abuse out there to get him elected.”

 

Carson Warns Jail Could Turn Davis Gay

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.

Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”

The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.

“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”

Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.

 

 

American Dental Association Urges Walter Palmer To Commit Suicide

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an appearance on Fox and Friends this morning, American Dental Association president Maxine Feinberg made an impassioned public plea to Dr. Walter Palmer, the scum-sucking Minnesota dentist who murdered Cecil the Lion, to kill himself “by any means available” to him.

“We polled our membership, and four out of five dentists surveyed recommended suicide,” said Feinberg. “The remaining 20% thought that Dr. Palmer should be extradited to Zimbabwe to stand trial and face a life sentence in an African butt-rape prison.”

Palmer, whose whereabouts are unknown, has been excoriated on the internet and in the press over the last two days for tying a dead animal to the front of a vehicle and luring Cecil out of a protected area so he could be shot with a bow and arrow and die a slow agonizing death lasting over 40 hours.

Dr. Palmer’s dental practice in Bloomington, Minnesota has been shut down and his home is unoccupied. He has received death threats on Facebook and Twitter and been the subject of some remarkable reviews on Yelp.

Dr. Palmer has a long history of flying all over the world in order to murder defenseless animals so he can prove that he is still a man despite his small penis, which he refers to as “Little Peeps.”

ADA president Feinberg told Steve Doocy that Palmer was giving dentists around the country an even worse name than they already had.

“It’s bad enough that everyone hates us to begin with,” said Feinberg. “Now kids are asking their dentists if they plan on murdering Bambi or the Easter Bunny. We’re about as popular as a dog catching member of Congress right now.”

Feinberg said that although the vast majority of dentists wanted Palmer dead, they disagreed on what method he should use to off himself.

“Dr. Max Nebelwerfer from Bleeding Gums, Kansas told us that Palmer should tie himself to his dental chair and drink a bottle of liquid Drano,” said Feinberg. “Dr. Emily Fang from Melanoma Beach, Florida told us that she thought Palmer should sever several minor arteries with a scalpel and go swimming off the beaches of North Carolina. There’s no end to the ideas pouring into our website. Despite having a reputation for being anal, we dentists can be very creative when we want to be.

“Although, there’s a lot of disagreement about how he should do it, one thing’s for sure, everyone wants the bastard dead,” said Feinberg in closing.

This is not the first time Palmer has been in trouble. He was convicted of lying to federal agents regarding an illegal bear hunt in 2006, and settled a sexual harassment suit involving his receptionist in 2009.

Fox and Friends replicant Brian Kilmeade asked regular contributor Dr. Keith Ablow to offer some insight on Palmer’s murderous behavior and tendency to prey on his female staff.

In 2010 Dr. Palmer was named “Dentist Most Likely to Abuse Little Children” by the American Dental Association.

“Dr. Palmer exhibits all the symptoms of Gherkinson’s Disease, a syndrome normally associated with a tiny schlong and shrunken, misshapen testicles,” said Ablow.

“Many assholes who hunt just for the sick pleasure of seeing animals die have a desperate need to prove to the world that they are real men despite having inferior sexual equipment. I think we can safely say Palmer has a short shaft, or possibly one that takes a dogleg left.”

In fact, one of Palmer’s close friends told Anderson Cooper of CNN that Walter’s high school nickname was ‘Inch Worm,’ so Ablow’s theory seems to make sense.

Palmer released a statement this afternoon through the public relations firm he hired to extricate himself from this mess.

In it he said that he was sorry for killing Cecil, sorry for killing a bear 40 fucking miles away from where he was supposed to be hunting, sorry for sexually abusing his receptionist while she was under the influence of Xanax and nitrous oxide, and sorry that his kids were conceived in vitro because his micro dick proved incapable of performing in the usual fashion.

He said that at this time he had no intention of killing himself and looks forward to a future as a short order cook at a Waffle House in Tanzania.

 

Daleiden: Planned Parenthood Conspiring With Space Aliens

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – In his most shocking revelation to date, last night on the O’Reilly Factor David Daleiden provided video evidence that executives from Planned Parenthood are actively cooperating with a malevolent race of space aliens in order to clear the path for an eventual invasion of earth.

Daleiden told O’Reilly that he obtained the video from a disillusioned alien outcast who had been banned from the mothership because he had associated with the wrong group of humans.

Daleiden told Bill O’Reilly that the conspiracy to hand over earth to an alien species had been hatched during the Nixon Administration and had been gaining momentum for decades.

“They’re extracting DNA from fetal tissue in order to create a race of mind-dead zombies to use as a food source here on earth,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand. “If we don’t move to defund Planned Parenthood and ban all abortions and birth control, we’re doomed.”

Although the video was jerky and appeared to be patched together from old episodes of the X-Files, 50’s era horror flicks, and home videos featuring Daleiden on some farm with a goat, O’Reilly seemed to swallow the story hook, line, and sinker.

“We can’t allow this to happen,” said O’Reilly. “We’ve got to warn ‘the folks.’ When you combine this outrage with rap music and women’s suffrage, it could mean the end of humanity!”

Although Daleiden has never had sex himself and has no clue what the fuck he is talking about most of the time, he is certain that he knows what is best for humanity. “God only wants us to have sex once we are married and then only in the missionary position for the purpose of procreation,” said Daleiden.

“It could very well be too late,” said Daleiden. “You can see the results of the aliens’ work just by looking across the political landscape. There are whole political parties that are no more than sheep. Take the Tea Party for instance; they’re little more than mindless automatons who can’t even spell. It’s sad.”

Although none of Daleiden’s videos have proved that Planned Parenthood has broken any laws or even done anything morally wrong, he promised a fawning O’Reilly that his next offering would be absolutely earth-shattering.

“I have incontrovertible evidence that Planned Parenthood is providing fetal tissue to a top-secret lab run by Dennis Rodman in North Korea,” said Daleiden. “They’re trying to produce a master race of NBA stars. It’s deplorable and could lead to the downfall of American sports as we know it.”

Trump Replaces Bill O’Reilly As Nation’s Most Prominent Asshole

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll conducted just this morning has found that a majority of Americans now believe that Donald Trump is the most obnoxious asshole they have ever heard of. Trump edged out Bill O’Reilly, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Jim Inhofe to win top honors.

The lightning poll of 100 million adults asked participants to rate each individual in terms of obnoxiousness, pomposity, lack of empathy, stupidity, and blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance.

“The results were stunning,” said Michael Dimock, President of Pew Research. “65% of those polled rated Trump the ‘largest walking anus’ they had ever seen, with the former champ Bill O’Reilly dropping to a distant second place.”

When asked if they could describe Trump in one word, participants in the poll used adjectives like “vile,” “heinous,” “disgusting,” “loathsome,” “repugnant,” and “odious” to describe the Republican front-runner.

When asked why he thought there was such a shift in public opinion, Dimock said that the almost unfathomable amount of bullshit pouring forth from Trump’s mouth in recent weeks probably had something to do with it.

Although O’Reilly is no longer considered “king of the assholes” by the American public, he retained his title of “Biggest Horse’s Ass on Television.”

“When you go around saying that 17% of our population consists of a gang of diseased rapists and start bad-mouthing a war hero when you yourself got a deferment for an ankle sprain, people naturally start to regard you as some kind of hideous parasitic worm, which is exactly what Trump is,” said Dimock.

Dimock was less decisive as to whether the change in attitude would affect Trump’s campaign for the Republican nomination for president.

“Most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Dimock. “I mean we’re talking about the Tea Party wing of the GOP; these people can’t even spell moron or constitution correctly on their protest signs.

“I think Trump will continue to poll pretty well among those Neanderthals. They think he’s ‘telling it like it is’ when he has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s still got a shot.”

When Trump was asked about the poll during a press conference this afternoon, he told reporters, “Yes, that’s right. I’m the richest asshole in the United States.”

Bill O’Reilly, who held the top spot for many years, claimed the poll was a conspiracy hatched by White House officials and their friends in the liberal media.

When reached by phone for comment, O’Reilly told New York Times reporter Emily Steel that the poll was wildly inaccurate and he was still the biggest asshole on the public stage. He also threatened to kill anyone involved in the poll or any employee of Pew Research that he could get his hands on.

 

Planned Parenthood Linked To Benghazi Attack

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman Trey “Curt” Gowdy (R-SC) of the House Select Committee for Investigating Benghazi for the 5th Time told reporters today that the committee had heard testimony this morning that indicated there was a link between executives at Planned Parenthood and the plot to kill Ambassador J Christopher Stevens hatched by Hillary Clinton and other members of the Obama White House.

“We heard testimony from a 15-year-old girl who, when visiting a Planned Parenthood  health center in Sandy Springs, Georgia, was recruited to participate in the raid on our consulate in Libya,” said Gowdy.

This man, who participated in the attack on our consulate, was previously identified as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Jr. According to Gowdy, the committee has discovered that his real name is John Small Berries of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Gowdy claims he was employed by Planned Parenthood as a janitor and fetal parts delivery boy at the Baltimore, Maryland branch.

According to Gowdy, the girl, who was only 12 years old at the time, had visited the health center when she was 35 1/2 weeks pregnant in order to get an abortion. Gowdy said that after the abortion was completed the fetus was cut up and shipped off to various eugenics and reanimation labs around the globe.

“That was when the real lawbreaking began,” said Gowdy.

According to Gowdy, after the operation when the girl was sitting around drinking wine with the staff, she was approached by an aide to Hillary Clinton who offered her fifty bucks plus expenses to fly to Libya and participate in the attack. Gowdy said the girl declined because she had a date that night with a particularly hot member of her church.

“We consider this whole episode an outrage, and we have video evidence to back up this poor girl’s story,” said Gowdy.

Gowdy told Fox News that an organization called “Christians United Against Providing Health Care To The Poor” happened to be in the waiting room that day on a sting operation. The clandestine team, posing as buyers from the retail chain Baby Parts R Us, filmed the whole episode with cell phones.

“I think this is straw that breaks the camel’s back on this whole conspiracy,” said Gowdy. “These revelations are going to bring down the Hillary campaign and will probably mean jail time for everyone involved.”

Despite the Libyan government’s best efforts to put it out, this vehicle is still burning three years after the attack.

When reached for comment on the testimony and video, the ranking Democrat on the committee Elijah Cummings (MD) told CNN that as usual Gowdy was full of shit.

“They dragged this poor chick before the committee and she read from a prepared script written on Darrell Issa’s stationary,” said Cummings.

“Then they show this shaky video of people talking and smiling in a waiting room. It was hard to make out who said what because the audio was obviously dubbed in later. I mean it looked like an old Godzilla movie. Gaps in the video are filled in with old Bugs Bunny cartoons. It was a ridiculous waste of time and taxpayers’ money, but what the fuck else is new with these clowns?”

Gowdy told Fox News that, although there were a few holes in the story, the entire Republican Caucus would be viewing film at a gala reception planned for the unfortunate young woman next week in Georgetown, and after that a decision would be made about what to do.

Planned Parenthood Increases Price Of Fetal Tissue

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards announced a price increase this morning on all fetal tissue being sold by their 700 retail health and dissection centers located in the United States.

Richards emphasized that the increase only affects centers within the borders of the U.S., and that Planned Parenthood “black sites” in foreign countries can continue to set their own prices.

According to Richards, the across the board price increase was made in response to the increased demand for organs, umbilical chords, stem cells, amniotic fluid, and a variety of other fetal tissues caused by an amateurish video made by a deranged young man named David Daleiden.

According to Richards, some of Planned Parenthood’s biggest customers are voodoo priestesses in Haiti and Louisiana who combine amniotic fluid with caffeine to produce an energy drink called “Red Kid.”

“Demand has skyrocketed since Daleiden’s video was made public, so a price increase was the natural thing to do,” said Richards.

The video, which was pounced upon by Fox News, conservative radio hosts, Christian websites, and other questionable news outlets provides unequivocal proof that Planned Parenthood is an organization made up of Devil worshipers who sell unborn babies and their parts to the highest bidders.

“We could not have hoped to get this kind of publicity; not in our wildest, fever induced, Satanic dreams,” said Richards.

According to Richards the fetal tissue and body parts that Planned Parenthood sells go to a wide variety of buyers including medical schools, drug companies, research universities, secretive private laboratories in South America, 4-H clubs, secondary schools for use in high school science projects, witch doctors, terrorists, and wealthy cannibals tired of eating adult humans.

“We have a very broad customer base that we strive to keep happy,” said Richards. “Thanks to Daleiden’s video and all the publicity it’s caused we can cut back on advertising and entertainment expenses and expand our abortion factories so we can do away with even more potential humans. It’s been a real godsend.”

Richards told CNN that most fetal internal organs are sold to private laboratories located in remote mountainous regions of eastern Europe for ongoing research in reanimation.

Although Daleiden’s original purpose in making the video has apparently backfired, he is reported to be basking in his new-found fame.

“David is really enjoying all this,” said Daron Dimbulb, a close friend of Daleiden’s who is also obsessed with controlling women’s reproductive organs. “He never thought he would be the object of so much praise from our country’s apparently unlimited population of morons. He really looks forward to being salivated on by Sean Hannity when he goes on his show next week.”

Richards told CNN that although no more price increases are currently being considered, if demand continues to increase all bets are off.

“With the help of Our Lord and Savior Mephistopheles, we’ll be able to convince more poor young girls to get knocked up so we can rip more children out of uteruses all across the country,” said Richards. “Otherwise we’re just going to have to jack prices again. It’s a no lose situation for us.”

 

Chris Christie Announces He Will Be Lumbering For President

LIVINGSTON, N.J. – (CT&P) – Governor Chris Christie declared his candidacy for president here on Tuesday in a 20-minute speech full of New Jersey-style swagger, vowing that as president, “there is one thing you will know for sure: where I stand on every issue, because I am physically impossible to miss.”

Mr. Christie, a two-term governor, offered himself up as a teller of difficult truths, who would never shy from making the kind of painful dietary choices required in the White House — even, he said, if “what I eat makes you cringe every once in a while.”

Christie’s candidacy marks the first time a sauropod ran for president since William Howard Taft did in 1908

“We must tell each other the truth about the problems we have and the difficulties of the solution,” he said outside a gymnasium here at the high school where he was once class president.

Taking swipes with his tail at his Republican rivals in the Senate, Mr. Christie said there would never be doubts about his ability to perform the job of president, once the White House was enlarged to contain his incredible bulk.

The announcement marks the first time that a sauropod has run for president since William Howard Taft’s successful campaign in 1908.

However, Christie will not be the only extinct species running for the Republican nomination.

There are several Neanderthals, two Australopithecines, three Homo erectus, one Homo rubiofensis, one Homo religulous and one candidate that is the last member of his species known to be alive, Trumpus pompousus, or “Asshole Man.”

The nearly extinct Trumpus pompousus or “Asshole Man” surprised many pundits with his impressive poll numbers in New Hampshire

The rest of the field is made up of bipedal hominids with varying levels of rudimentary intelligence.

Pundits and odds makers in Vegas have given Christie a one in ten chance of winning the nomination, but at this early stage anything can happen.

Republican strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “If Christie manages to get any momentum he will be hard to stop because of his massive bulk and complete lack of any moral standards. The other candidates would do well to stay out of his way, particularly if there is any food involved.”

Christie is expected to appear sometime this week for an hour-long ass-kissing extravaganza on the Sean Hannity show where a salivating and sexually aroused Hannity is expected to fawn over the candidate like he does every other dumbass fascist he comes across.

War On Christianity Heats Up

CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.

It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.

This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.

Any idiot who studies the facts can tell that Christianity is threatened in the United States. Roof represents the tip of the spear of an all-out attack on religion that threatens the very foundations of our great country.

Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.

It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.

As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.

Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”

“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”

Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.

“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.

Without the fine investigative work done by the Fox News team, no one would have ever known about the mass killings of Christians going on all over the Bible Belt.

“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”

Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.

“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”

Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.