Eight-Year-Old “Not Surprised At All” That She Is More Intelligent Than Members Of The South Carolina State Senate

COLUMBIA-Little Jenny Newberry of Spartanburg, South Carolina thought her idea was simple and straightforward. Since South Carolina is one of only ten states that does not have an official fossil, why not make the Columbian mammoth, whose fossilized teeth were first found in a South Carolina swamp way back in 1725, the official state fossil? The idea made perfect sense to her and a group of her colleagues in the third grade at the We Have The Good Sense To Believe Irrefutable Scientific Evidence When It Is Placed In Front Of  Us Elementary School in Fernwood. However, the group of young, idealistic intellectuals did not take into account the trouble the idea would cause in the Le Brea tar pit of ignorance that is the South Carolina state senate.

Alabama wants to make an old copy of the Ten Commandments its state fossil

Upon hearing of the heretical idea, Republican state senators Kevin “Dimwit” Bryant and Mark “Doofus” Simpleton sprang into action. They quickly attached an amendment to the proposed fossil bill that included a thank-you note to God for creating the animal kingdom on the sixth day of his universal construction project. The dubious and offensive amendment included a direct quote from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament.

“We thought it would be a good time to thank the creator for his excellent work on the Columbian  mammoth and other extinct species created at around the same time,” said Bryant. “We are still not quite sure why God would create a beast only to have it go extinct, but as you know most of us ignorant hicks attribute to God that which we cannot understand. You know he really works in mysterious ways.”

Florida officials believe that a rusty nine millimeter handgun would best represent culture in the “Gunshine State”

State Senator Mike “I Am Sometimes” Fair, another Republican, does not support the amendment in its current form. “I don’t think it’s right to single out the Columbian mammoth among all the extinct species that once roamed the earth,” said Fair. “I am currently working on a list of every extinct species we have any evidence of, including intelligent elected officials. I plan to add the entire list to the current bill, which would make the bill a little over 9,000 pages long. We need to be thorough, otherwise the Good Lord could get pissed off and send a tsunami to wipe out Myrtle Beach.”

The controversy in the South Carolina senate has spawned  legislative chaos across America. States are scrambling to rewrite “fossil laws” to better represent their religious majorities. For example, a bill in the Alabama legislature replaces the current state fossil Basilosaurus cetoides with a “really old” stone carving of the Ten Commandments dug up during the construction of Victoryland Greyhound park near Montgomery. Florida is considering making the rusty remnants of a nine millimeter handgun found on Miami Beach its state fossil, and West Virginia has already begun the process of digging up Robert C Byrd in order to put his fossilized remains on display within the rotunda in Charleston.

Arizona, always the maverick, is bucking the trend by making Senator John McCain its official “living fossil”

For her part, little Jenny Newberry and her friends have completely ditched the state fossil idea. They have moved on and decided to form a think-tank in Spartanburg devoted to the remedial education of South Carolina’s elected officials. “I really did not expect all this hubbub,” said Jenny. “I realize that these guys are not the brightest of bulbs, but one would think that they could pass a simple bill designating a state fossil without having to overcome a veritable maelstrom of stupidity. However, this is just the kind of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I’ve come to expect that non-creative garbage in the state senate. They sit there on their loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads and not giving a tinker’s cuss for the average third grader struggling with existential concepts. One can only hope that this bunch of political cretins will one day be extinct themselves, because I really don’t hold out much hope for future generations with this crowd in charge.”

Fossil Discovery in Northwest Florida Could Shed Light on Human Evolution

An almost intact hominid skeleton unearthed near DeFuniak Springs, Florida could offer explanations for some of the most puzzling questions confronting paleoanthropologists working on Cretonian evolution.The fossilized remains were discovered at a Wal-Mart construction site earlier this week by a group of Hispanic workers press-ganged into service by unscrupulous developers. According to some archeologists the remains have the potential to explain the paradoxes apparent to anyone who takes more than fleeting glance at modern Florida.

For decades scientists have been puzzled by the enigma that is Florida. The state has tremendous potential, featuring beautiful beaches, a highly diverse ecosystem, and an ideal climate. It also provides ample opportunity for many strong industries, such as agriculture, construction,  international trade, space exploration, and of course tourism, to name a few. All of these industries help Florida produce a gross state domestic product of around  800 billion dollars per year.

With a population of almost 20 million combined its temperate climate and strong industry, one would think that Florida would be a crucible of human progress. However, Americans are continually treated to news stories out of the state featuring the bizarre behavior of its citizens, the antics of its reactionary conservative politicians, the prominence of primitive religious beliefs within the population, its labyrinthine set of laws and regulations, and last but not least, its nearly medieval criminal justice system. From leaving infants in cars while Daddy is in the strip club, to cookouts fueled by copies of the Quran, to devouring a bystander’s face on the side of the interstate, to hanging chads, the idiocy in Florida just keeps on coming. But why?

Dr. John Many Jars and Professor John YaYa think they have the answer. They were part of the team that examined the desiccated remains found at the Wal-Mart site. The skeleton was removed from the construction site with a front end loader and whisked out-of-state to an undisclosed research laboratory. This precaution was deemed necessary because of the history of vandalism at Florida archeological digs by religious zealots out to destroy any evidence of human evolution.

Dr. Jars revealed some shocking facts regarding the find. “What we have here is a totally new species. We want to emphasize that this is not a Homo sapiens at all. It averaged around five feet tall, walked upright, and apparently lived in the swamps of Florida and south Georgia before Caucasians arrived in North America, and never interbred with the Native American population. However, a quick analysis has shown evidence of a significant amount of its DNA in many Floridians, which means at some point the early European settlers in this area ‘got together’ with these creatures.”

Professor YaYa added, “The species is unusual in that it had huge webbed feet to aid it in transiting swamps, ponds and lakes. It also had extremely long arms with which to climb palms and other trees, presumably to flee predators or forage for food in the treetops. However, the most significant characteristic of the hominid was an extremely small brain case.”

A current Floridian hard at work cooking meth in his trailer

Dr. Jars jumped in: “Right. This species was apparently dumb as a board, which no doubt contributed to its extinction. But the important point here is that the interbreeding with this guy that occurred long ago almost certainly accounts for some the imbecilic behavior, dimwitted laws and archaic traditions we see in Florida today.”

Although many tests remain to be done, the initial conclusions made by Jars and YaYa have been confirmed by other scientists. We will no doubt learn much more about this exciting discovery for decades to come. Although dubbed “DeFuniak Man” by the press, the scientific name for this new species will be Homo moronus.