New Pentagon Report Indicates F-35 Continues To Suck

 

BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE, OMAHA – (CT&P) -The 1.5 trillion-dollar F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to defeat the decades old F-16 in a dogfight, according to a report released last week by the Pentagon.

According to the report, in visual range air-to-air dogfight tests conducted in January between an F-35A and an F-16C, the F-35 was “shot down” by the decades-old F-16 nine out of ten times. In the one instance where the F-35 was victorious it was aided by a flock of geese that flew into the path of the F-16 at a critical moment and collided with it, causing the pilot to eject.

Ground crews have begun drawing straws to see who refuels the F-35 because of its tendency to spontaneously combust on the tarmac.

The F-35, nicknamed ‘The Garbage Scow’ or ‘The Widow Maker’ by test pilots, has been plagued with problems from its inception, but the dogfight analysis offered some of the most depressing news yet to USAF officials.

The report stated that F-16 was able to “fly rings around the new jet” and shoot it down as if it were a Sopwith Camel or other World War I flying machine.

The report even goes into what is akin to a fairly desperate move usually only used in one-on-one air combat maneuvers, known as a rudder reversal, that the F-35 is apparently decent at performing at slow speeds. The fact that this was even detailed in the report as a useful tactic is telling. In reality, using such maneuvers means you are probably going to die if any other bad guys are in the area as it rapidly depletes the aircraft’s energy state, leaving it vulnerable to attack.

And to add insult to injury, the JSF flier discovered he couldn’t even comfortably move his head inside the radar-evading jet’s cramped cockpit. “The helmet was too large for the space inside the canopy to adequately see behind the aircraft.” That allowed the F-16 to sneak up on him.

The F-16 pilot, Major T. J. “King” Kong reportedly told his commanding officer that it was like “shooting fish in a barrel.”

Major T.J. “King” Kong said that although the F-35 “sure was purty” it wouldn’t be worth a shit if it had to go “toe to toe with the Russkies.”

“It was just like a turkey shoot back home in Lubbock,” said Major Kong. “I could see that poor feller twistin’ and turnin’ in his seat and bangin’ his head on the canopy just like a coon trapped in a shoebox. It was like going up against Snoopy and his flyin’ doghouse, I tell ya. I mean, it shore is a purty plane and all, but I’ll retire before I have to fly one of those junk heaps!”

USAF General Jack Ripper, who has from the beginning been critical of the trillion-dollar aircraft, told Aviation Week that our only hope is that the Chinese copy the plane down to the last detail.

“It can’t fire its cannon, it has trouble flying right side up, it has a tendency to explode during refueling, it has trouble turning and climbing, it can’t fly near thunderstorms, and it’s computer systems are just as likely to target automobiles on the interstate as enemy aircraft. Hell, even its stealth capabilities have turned out to be a drawback ’cause we can’t find the wreckage when one goes down. It’s a trillion dollar piece of shit!”

Despite all of its troubles the F-35 continues to be a big hit with congressmen in whose districts the plane’s parts are manufactured, and with war hawks intent on bankrupting the country through the military industrial complex.

Each plane will cost over $100 billion and runs about $35,000 per hour to operate. The Pentagon plans on building over 2500 of the abominations.

God help us all.

 

 

 

Death Toll Continues To Rise In Armed Forces Bowl Tragedy

FORT WORTH, TEXAS (CT&P) – The death toll topped 4000 this morning as rescuers continued to pull victims from the ruins of the Amon G. Carter Stadium after two Lockheed Martin F-35 jets collided during a halftime flyover. Reuters is reporting that government authorities say that the toll could go much higher in the next few days as more rubble is removed from the south end zone.

At first it was feared that the game would have to be rescheduled, but after the aviation fuel burned down to a tolerable level, officials allowed the two teams to continue.

The tragic collision occurred just as three F-35’s were approaching the stadium in a delta formation. The jets were trailing red, white, and blue smoke in a display of patriotism meant to garner public support for the military-industrial complex. Eyewitnesses told the Dallas Morning News that two of the planes were behaving “erratically” just before the crash.

“One plane was jerkin’ side to side and its landing gear were poppin’ up and down faster than a rattlesnake!” said Angus McTurd of Tainted Springs. “It was like it was in some kinda of video game. The plane flying next to it was rearin’ up and down like steer on steroids. Just as they came over the top of the stadium they collided and one of ’em cartwheeled into the south end zone. The other one started burnin’ and crashed over in the colored neighborhood just to the west of the stadium. It was a helluva thing to watch!”

Both pilots managed to punch out of their planes and survived the crash. Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong told reporters that was because “the ejection seats were the only thing on the aircraft that worked worth a shit.”

The F-35 has had a few “glitches” during its development, such as problems turning left and right, gaining altitude, and flying right-side-up.

Fort Worth Mayor Betsy Price told KDFW Fox 4 News that she had begged Pentagon officials to use some other type of plane for the flyover, but they insisted on using the F-35 Lightnings, even though they were the only three cleared to fly out of the entire fleet of troubled aircraft.

“I told those idiots we did not want those flying washing machines over our city, much less a stadium packed full of people,” said Price. “Hell, it would have been safer to fly the fucking Hindenburg over the game!”

The trillion dollar F-35 has been plagued with cost overruns, groundings, and embarrassing glitches, such as its inability to fire its cannon until 2019, when the software for the weapon is upgraded. However, this has not dampened the Pentagon’s enthusiasm for the plane and it continues to garner support from senators and representatives from states where the plane’s over 300,000 parts are manufactured.

“It’s a gorgeous plane and we fully believe that some day it will actually be able to fly on a regular basis,” said General Jack Ripper, USAF (Retired). “Every new weapons system is bound to have a few snags or hitches in development, and I don’t think we should condemn an entire program for a single slip up.”

Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong seemed confused that everyone was making such a big deal over the crash. “These things are bound to happen every now and then with a new airplane,” said Kong. “It’s just one of the risks we gotta take in order to be prepared for those Commies.”

General Ripper is a lobbyist for Lockheed Martin.

Some cable pundits expressed surprise that the game was allowed to continue after the plane incinerated several thousand fans, but Pentagon officials on the bowl committee insisted that it would be good for the public to get used to these types of incidents, because over 2500 of the flying deathtraps will eventually be in service in the USAF alone.

“Things explode every day,” said General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “If we stopped what we were doing every time something blew up, we’d never get anything accomplished.”

Houston managed to win the game 35-34 over the Pitt Panthers after an incredible comeback in the fourth quarter. Many sports analysts attributed the comeback to the Pittsburgh player’s reluctance to approach the south end zone, which was a sea of fire and twisted wreckage for most of the second half.

The third F-35 Lightning was last seen flying erratically towards the U.S.-Mexico border and remains unaccounted for. Air Force personnel have been unable to raise the aircraft by radio because of a glitch in the F-35 communications systems and stealth safeguards built into the plane are making it very difficult to spot on radar.