Fox News Personality Eric Bolling Placed On Transplant List

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News personality Eric Bolling has been placed on a transplant list so he will be eligible to receive a new forebrain sometime in the near future. Although Bolling has exhibited symptoms of frontal lobe decay dating back to his first appearances on Fox, lately his ability to form coherent thoughts has deteriorated so badly that physicians now think he is a good candidate for a prefrontal cortex transplant.

Most of the physicians who have examined Bolling think that the transplant is his only hope of continuing his on-air career, because if he continues to deteriorate he will soon lose all higher brain function.

Bolling’s brain function has deteriorated so badly that he has to use his fingers to count higher than the number three.

The prefrontal cortex is absolutely critical to the normal functioning of human brains. The most typical term for actions carried out by the area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social “control” (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).

Among other problems, Bolling has consistently exhibited symptoms of a disease that psychologists call “Obama Derangement Syndrome,” a debilitating disease that has affected millions of old white people across the country, and is particularly prevalent among Fox News employees and viewers. Symptoms include an inability to engage in critical thought, an urge to blame President Obama for everything from catching a cold to the end of civilization as we know it, and knee-jerk opposition to the president no matter what he says or does.

Bolling became so confused last week that he thought a parking ticket was actually a copy of the U.S. Constitution

“We saw a similar syndrome with liberals when Bush was in office,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Dr. Lizardo is leader of the team responsible for finding and transplanting brain matter from cadavers into people suffering from the disease.

“These unfortunate imbeciles are completely unaware that they are behaving like a paramecium subjected to a jolt of electricity. They just see Obama and automatically recoil like a dim-witted bovine licking an electric fence for the first time”

“We think that the disease gains a foothold in the forebrain because most of these folks are bigoted assholes, and then their overall ignorance and stupidity allows the syndrome to blossom into a full-blown malady that prevents them from being able to think at all. It’s tragic.”

Other media personalities on the transplant list include Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh. The list of right-wing wacko politicians on the list is so long we don’t have room to list them all

Although Bolling is by no means the only Fox News employee currently suffering from the disorder, he exhibits the most extreme symptoms by far.

“He started out behind the eight ball because he was such an ignorant fuck to begin with,” said Lizardo. “And now ODS has effectively turned him into a babbling idiot. We expect that he will soon be wearing a diaper if we don’t get him a new brain really quickly.”

Although many transplant recipients have to wait months for new organs, Lizardo said that new brain parts are relatively easy to come by and are a breeze to install because they are replacing such decrepit parts to begin with.

“We’re not dealing with rocket scientists here,” said Lizardo. “Even a decomposing cortex from an uneducated cretin would be an improvement for Bolling. We’ll have the son of bitch back on The Five spouting infantile nonsense in no time.”

 

TSA On High Alert As Obama Administration Unveils Useless And Ineffective New Ebola Screening At Airports

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the near hysterical ravings of pundits on both Fox and CNN regarding the single confirmed Ebola case in the country, and the resulting abject panic shown by weaker-minded American citizens, the U.S. government will begin screening passengers arriving at five airports from West African countries affected by the Ebola outbreak, the White House announced this afternoon.

Earnest wanted reporters to assure the traveling public that TSA personnel were already taking time out from feeling-up attractive female passengers to look for anyone bleeding from the nose, ears, or mouth.

The five airports – John F. Kennedy International in New York, Newark, Chicago O’Hare, Atlanta and Washington Dulles—account for 94 percent of the passengers arriving each day from Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, said White House press secretary Josh Earnest. And there are only about 150 such passengers each day at those airports, making it more feasible to screen people more intensively who come from or recently visited the affected countries.

The Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, Thomas Eric Duncan, arrived from Brussels at Dulles before flying to Dallas/Fort Worth International.

“The vast majority of passengers from those countries would be subject to this additional layer of screening,” Earnest said.

TSA officers will undergo three weeks of intensive training so that they will be able to accurately take the temperature of every arriving passenger from the hot zone.

“That will counter and has countered the spread of Ebola,” he said, adding that pre-departure screening is only part of the process. Officials at U.S. airports have already been trying to spot travelers with potential Ebola symptoms.

Screening for fever will be conducted by Customs and Border Patrol, Coast Guard and personnel from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Earnest said. And he said, the screening shouldn’t cause any “significant disruption to the broader traveling public.”

Earnest failed to say just why the hell Coast Guard personnel would be used in the airports, but experts assume that their success at keeping illegal drugs out of the country had something to do with it.

The White House Spokesman wasn’t sure if travelers with a fever would be put into quarantine. The Department of Homeland Security will provide more details on the new procedures later today.

A source close to the CDC who wished to remain anonymous assured Fox News pundit Eric Bolling that there was really nothing to worry about and any white person who contracted the disease would receive the best medical care money could buy.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do with someone who has a fever,” said Earnest. “It really does not matter anyway, because you don’t have to have a fever to be harboring the deadly virus.”

Duncan apparently had no fever until a few days after he arrived in Dallas, so the precautions are obviously just an attempt by the Administration to show that it is doing something, however ineffective that something may be.

Earnest conceded that there’s no way to screen people who are infected before they show symptoms — which is the point at which they become contagious.

“What we’re trying to do is quickly isolate cases of individuals who are showing symptoms” and therefore could spread the disease. “You can’t get it through the air. It’s not like the flu or catching a cold… What we’re trying to do is safeguard the global transportation infrastructure at the same time we’re protecting the American public,” said Duncan, with smirk on his face.

“Look, the main thing we are trying to do here is look good and silence the idiots on CNN and Fox who have a ten-year-old’s grasp of science and public health issues,” said Duncan, who addressed the gathering of White House journalists while dressed in a lovely violet hazmat suit.

As Earnest left the podium he encouraged everyone attending the news conference to wash their hands at least 50 times per day and lock themselves inside their homes until the crisis in West Africa has passed, which should be sometime within the next two years.