Scott Walker Vows To Be ‘Education President’

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa last week, Wisconsin governor and presidential candidate Scott Walker promised a fawning crowd of over 3000 supporters that if elected, he would finally find time to get an education.

“I want to be known as an ‘educated president,’ not some dumbass who has no clue what the fuck he’s doing,” said Walker. “I’m sure that once I’m elected I’ll be able to find time to take some courses in remedial English, civics, and even a little history. Bob Jones University has even offered me a scholarship!

“It’s important for the president to be the leader of the entire country, not just a bunch of hicks that want to do away with the entire federal government. I’d like to be able to say that I can lead the enlightened as well as the idiotic.”

According to aides, Governor Walker spends a great deal of his free time reading children’s books so he can boost his comprehension level past that of preschooler with encephalitis.

Walker, who has conducted an all-out war on higher education since becoming governor of Wisconsin, has been criticized for his lack of understanding of complex issues.

“Walker shows almost no grasp of any concept taught past the 8th grade,” said Wisconsin Education Association Council president Betsy Kippers. “He doesn’t know if he believes in evolution, he doesn’t know if homosexuality is a choice, and he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bastard barely knows his right from his left. He’s an idiot.”

Governor Walker stirred up controversy in February when he stupidly compared protesting teachers and their supporters with terrorists threatening to ‘blow up America.’ But lately he’s been trying to soften his image and appeal to Americans who actually graduated from high school.

“I want to do more than just bust up teacher’s unions, abolish abortion, and deny health care to the poor,” said Walker. “I want to learn how to play checkers, for example.”

When asked by reporters whether he would take any courses in science so he could tell the difference between weather and climate, photosynthesis and Photoshop, a blastocoel and a blast radius, and a zebra from a zygote, Walker replied, “Oh no, we Republicans are Christians and don’t practice the ‘black arts.’ We leave that to Satan and his minions.”

 

 

 

Recent Polls Suggest Up To 50% Of Registered Republicans In Need Of Legal Guardians

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Two recent surveys taken by Public Policy Polling indicate that up to fifty percent of registered Republican voters may be in urgent need of legal guardians. The polls were taken of 1000 registered GOP voters between February 20th-25th.

The two polls strongly suggest that almost all members of the Tea Party are so inept that they need legal guardianship

In the first poll, which asked the simple question “Do you believe in evolution or not?” a 49% plurality of Republicans said that they do not. The second poll found that a breathtaking 57% of Republicans want to establish Christianity as the official national religion. Only 30% of respondents rejected the idea.

Not surprisingly, the polls found that most of those who rejected evolution and supported a national religion also supported the quasi-intellectual Dr. Ben Carson for president, a lunatic who believes the earth is only 6000 years old.

Tom Jenson, director of Public Policy, was disheartened but not surprised by the results of the polls.

Pundits have suggested that Dr. Ben Carson, who many of those surveyed support for president, may be a Red Lectroid in disguise. “No one who graduated from medical school can be as stupid as this guy appears,” said Chris Matthews. “I think the dude could be an alien.”

“Look, we knew ahead of time what kind of folks we were dealing with here,” said Jenson. “I mean a good portion of these people believe that Obama is Lucifer in disguise, for Christ’s sake. What do you expect?”

“But this level of idiocy is beyond anything I’ve ever seen. These people reject science in any form, until they get sick or need to make a phone call, that is. Furthermore, they are apparently unable to either read or understand the Constitution, a document they purport to hold sacred. They want to return to some kind of pre-Enlightenment theocracy. They’re nuts!”

Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute went even further.

Professor Hikata recommended that improvements in elementary and secondary education might help solve some of the problems we now face from voters on the right

“These people pose a threat to themselves and all those around them. We don’t think they should be allowed to drive, raise kids, or vote in national elections. They really need constant supervision. I just don’t know if we will be able to recruit enough sane people to keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. I haven’t seen this kind of threat to the Republic since Red Lectroids from the 8th Dimension by way of Planet 10 tried to takeover back in the mid 80’s.”

Public Policy promised an extensive analysis and follow-up on the results of the polls and plan on making some recommendations to the Obama Administration on how best to avoid the situation in the future. At this time the advice centers around improving elementary and secondary education in the United States particularly in the areas of science, history, and civics so in the future we won’t have to have to deal with a large portion of the public that does not know its ass from a hole in the ground.