Easter Bunnies From Hell

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Americans have a long and much-cherished tradition of terrifying their offspring during religious holidays. Forced church-going to hear tales of spending the night in a barn in the company of farm animals while escaping the Massacre of the Innocents, only to be nailed to a cross for no good reason 30 years later, fill our kid’s heads with pleasant visions of infanticide and crucifixion. Not content to terrorize the little ones with these Kafkaesque tales of woe, many parents decide to make it more real for the kids by taking them to sit on the laps of creatures out of an H.P. Lovecraft story. We here at the Times-Picayune thought it would be nice to offer up some examples of the practice on this holiest of holy days. Enjoy!

“Although unpopular in school because of his offensive body odor and nervous tics, Billy really came into his own during the holidays because he was always willing to make a fool of himself at the local mall.”

“Uncle Bill was popular with the kids until he was sent away to prison for the third time.”

“The rabies outbreak claimed dozens of lives as it rapidly spread from one mall to another. Authorities managed to stop the infection only after patient zero was identified and quarantined.”

“Five gallon plastic buckets can be used in a wide variety of ways and have proved to be one of man’s most useful inventions.”

“Melvin the pedophile always looked forward to dressing up for Easter.”

“The advanced scouts from Planet 10 used clever disguises to observe human behavior before attacking and colonizing earth.”

“Neighbors told police that John Wayne Bunny was a quiet man who loved kids and kept to himself except on holidays. The graves would probably never have been found if not for the new sewer project.”

“At least five kids were devoured before mall owners realized they had mistakenly hired a dreaded carnivorous Easter Bunny from central Africa.”

“Tommy never understood why he was always refused service at the local pizza joint.”

“In Orlando, reports of missing children always seem to spike in the week leading up to Easter. The investigation is ongoing.”

“CIA experiments with LSD and children never produced favorable results.”

“Although well-known for his ability to disguise himself, Satan’s bunny costume always left something to be desired.”

“Timmy was impressed with the way Superman’s skin-tight outfit showed off his cute butt.”

“The rash of child dismemberment cases were eventually traced back to a pet store in rural Oklahoma.”

“Gus always dreaded Easter and often feigned illness rather than face humiliation at the paws of fellow canines.”

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Easter Bunny Hospitalized For “Nervous Exhaustion” Following Particularly Stressful Easter Season

SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – The Easter Bunny collapsed from exhaustion as she made her final deliveries in the Washington D.C. area early this morning. She was immediately rushed to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland where she is said to be resting comfortably after being given a liberal dose of Xanax for her nerves.

Alice “Easter” Bunny is seen here resting comfortably in her room at Walter Reed. She is expected to make a full recovery

A spokesman for the hospital told a gaggle of reporters that the Bunny, who’s first name is Alice, had endured “a particularly stressful Easter season” and that “it all just became too much to bear.” The spokesman said that Alice wanted all the kids on her final route to rest assured they would get their eggs. Emergency calls have been placed to Paris via the U.N. and backup flying French “Easter Bells” were taking up the slack.

The 2014 Easter season has been a particularly stressful one for Alice for a variety of reasons. As everyone knows, she is a part-time employee and is not eligible to receive health insurance from her employer. In the past few years the cost of insurance has risen so precipitously that Alice finally had to sell her hutch and move into a warren in order to make ends meet. To make matters worse, she missed the Obamacare sign-up deadline because of a computer glitch, so she has had to make appearances and gather eggs while being uninsured.

Her stress level shot up immensely when she was lured into an appearance with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News early last week. O’Reilly’s other guests were the Reverend Donald Wildmon of the American Family Organization and Dan Barker, co-founder of the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Alice “Easter” Bunny, who has consistently claimed that she is strictly nondenominational, was caught in a crossfire between the two adversaries as both demanded that she take sides in the debate.

Dr. Roger Lepus expects Alice to make a full recovery

“That was the last bedding straw,” said the hospital spokesman. “I don’t think her tender psyche could take any more, and the stress just got the best of her this morning. However, we expect her to make a full recovery and she should be ‘fit as a fiddle’ for next Easter, so the kids shouldn’t worry about getting their fair share of tooth-rotting, diabetes-inducing chocolate rabbit figurines in the future. As for this year, we have full confidence that those weird French flying bells will complete her route around D.C.”