F-35 Lands Without Bursting Into Flames

HURLBURT FIELD – (CT&P) – Officials from Eglin Air Force Base announced today that an F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter landed successfully yesterday without loss of life or destruction of the aircraft.

The F-35 had been participating in a joint operation with the Walton and Bay County sheriff’s departments called “Operation Buzzkill,” a program that provides constant patrols of area beaches to insure that visitors do not have too good a time during their visit to the Gulf Coast.

Bay County sheriff’s deputies constantly patrol the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” to make damn sure no one has too much fun

“Operation Buzzkill is a forward-looking program that is designed to crush the joy out any young people who think they can come down here and ruin our pristine beaches by smoking a joint, drinking a beer, or God forbid having premarital sex,” said Sheriff Frank “Lard Ass” McKetchup of Bay County.

“We conduct round the clock foot patrols with our few deputies that are not morbidly obese, and the rest of them cruise the strip looking for suspicious activities such as smiling or clowning around. The military takes up the slack with Blackhawk helicopters and jet aircraft armed with miniguns and Hellfire missiles so we can stop trouble before it starts.”

Beach arrests have plummeted since Operation Buzzkill went into effect mainly because everyone is too fucking scared to go out on the beach

“Buzzkill” has been hailed as a great success by both sheriff’s departments and beach arrests are at an all time low, possibly because everyone is now too terrified to walk outside.

USAF General Buck Turgidson explained that the F-35 in question was one of the first to be used in the program because it is one of the first to be able to fly more than a short distance without malfunctioning and plunging into the sea.

“The original patrol was scheduled for a full hour, but we had to cut the mission short because it was getting warm outside and as we all know F-35’s spontaneously combust when they get too hot,” said the general.

General Turgidson told reporters that the successful landing was a watershed moment and marked the first time a F-35 mission was completed without massive loss of life.

“Besides, thunderstorms were forecast on the afternoon in question and electrical activity can cause the computer systems on board the plane to go haywire. When this happens pilots don’t have any idea where the fuck they’re going so they just have to punch out and hope the plane crashes into some inanimate object. So we thought it would be best to abort the mission and try to recover the aircraft and the pilot intact.

“I think the main thing to remember here is that we’ve finally managed to land one of these flying washing machines without losing the pilot or demolishing any nearby apartment buildings. I call this a win-win for the air force and the sheriff’s department!”

 

 

 

Pentagon Unloads Old Anthrax Stocks On Unsuspecting Labs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) -The L.A. Times is reporting that an Army bio-defense facility in Utah may have mistakenly sent live anthrax samples to 51 commercial companies, academic institutions and federal labs without proper safeguards, more than double the total disclosed last week.

The magnitude of the “foul up” came to light during an investigation led by General Buck Turgidson USAF (Ret).

General Turgidson said Wednesday that the facilities are scattered across 17 states and the District of Columbia, as well as in Canada, Australia and Korea, suggesting a systemic lapse in the military’s little-known program to study defenses against biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

General Turgidson spoke with reporters over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland

The anthrax shipments originated at the Army’s Dugway Proving Ground, a sprawling facility southwest of Salt Lake City where scientists focus on trying to defend the nation from potential biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

“This was apparently part of an exercise called Operation Dropkick,” said Turgidson when interviewed over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland.

“It appears that General Jack D. Ripper, the commander in charge over at Dugway, ordered the samples sent out as way to test our readiness in the event of a terrorist attack,” said Turgidson.

Ripper is the former commander of Burpelson Air Force Base in Nevada, but was transferred to Dugway after he sent an entire wing of B-1 bombers to attack Iran after attending a wild hog hunt and barbecue with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas.

“I hate to judge before all the facts are in,” said Turgidson, “but it looks like General Ripper has exceeded his authority.”

General Ripper was demoted and transferred to Dugway after he attempted to vaporize Iran on orders from Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas

Meanwhile, officials from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta are scrambling to recover the samples and treat anyone who may have been exposed.

The Pentagon and CDC will brief reporters Wednesday afternoon on the investigation into how and why the potentially deadly organisms were repeatedly shipped without appropriate safeguards, and whether safety systems are adequate at the labs.

“The CDC is concerned with understanding just what the fuck happened here and to make sure affected labs have everything they need to protect their workers,” said Jason McDonald, a CDC spokesman.

General Ripper has been placed under guard and will be transported to an undisclosed location where he is scheduled to be interviewed using “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

He released a brief statement before he was detained by members of the 101st Airborne Division:

“I can no longer sit back and allow Muslim infiltration, Muslim indoctrination, Muslim subversion, and the international Muslim conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

NSA code breakers are currently trying to figure out the meaning of Ripper’s statement.

 

 

 

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles,chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, and serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.

Related articles

• Christmas Day Drone Strike Pounds Pakistan (rinf.com)
• US drone kills three in North Waziristan (nation.com.pk)