An almost intact hominid skeleton unearthed near DeFuniak Springs, Florida could offer explanations for some of the most puzzling questions confronting paleoanthropologists working on Cretonian evolution.The fossilized remains were discovered at a Wal-Mart construction site earlier this week by a group of Hispanic workers press-ganged into service by unscrupulous developers. According to some archeologists the remains have the potential to explain the paradoxes apparent to anyone who takes more than fleeting glance at modern Florida.
For decades scientists have been puzzled by the enigma that is Florida. The state has tremendous potential, featuring beautiful beaches, a highly diverse ecosystem, and an ideal climate. It also provides ample opportunity for many strong industries, such as agriculture, construction, international trade, space exploration, and of course tourism, to name a few. All of these industries help Florida produce a gross state domestic product of around 800 billion dollars per year.
With a population of almost 20 million combined its temperate climate and strong industry, one would think that Florida would be a crucible of human progress. However, Americans are continually treated to news stories out of the state featuring the bizarre behavior of its citizens, the antics of its reactionary conservative politicians, the prominence of primitive religious beliefs within the population, its labyrinthine set of laws and regulations, and last but not least, its nearly medieval criminal justice system. From leaving infants in cars while Daddy is in the strip club, to cookouts fueled by copies of the Quran, to devouring a bystander’s face on the side of the interstate, to hanging chads, the idiocy in Florida just keeps on coming. But why?
Dr. John Many Jars and Professor John YaYa think they have the answer. They were part of the team that examined the desiccated remains found at the Wal-Mart site. The skeleton was removed from the construction site with a front end loader and whisked out-of-state to an undisclosed research laboratory. This precaution was deemed necessary because of the history of vandalism at Florida archeological digs by religious zealots out to destroy any evidence of human evolution.
Dr. Jars revealed some shocking facts regarding the find. “What we have here is a totally new species. We want to emphasize that this is not a Homo sapiens at all. It averaged around five feet tall, walked upright, and apparently lived in the swamps of Florida and south Georgia before Caucasians arrived in North America, and never interbred with the Native American population. However, a quick analysis has shown evidence of a significant amount of its DNA in many Floridians, which means at some point the early European settlers in this area ‘got together’ with these creatures.”
Professor YaYa added, “The species is unusual in that it had huge webbed feet to aid it in transiting swamps, ponds and lakes. It also had extremely long arms with which to climb palms and other trees, presumably to flee predators or forage for food in the treetops. However, the most significant characteristic of the hominid was an extremely small brain case.”
A current Floridian hard at work cooking meth in his trailer
Dr. Jars jumped in: “Right. This species was apparently dumb as a board, which no doubt contributed to its extinction. But the important point here is that the interbreeding with this guy that occurred long ago almost certainly accounts for some the imbecilic behavior, dimwitted laws and archaic traditions we see in Florida today.”
Although many tests remain to be done, the initial conclusions made by Jars and YaYa have been confirmed by other scientists. We will no doubt learn much more about this exciting discovery for decades to come. Although dubbed “DeFuniak Man” by the press, the scientific name for this new species will be Homo moronus.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 