Daleiden: Planned Parenthood Conspiring With Space Aliens

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – In his most shocking revelation to date, last night on the O’Reilly Factor David Daleiden provided video evidence that executives from Planned Parenthood are actively cooperating with a malevolent race of space aliens in order to clear the path for an eventual invasion of earth.

Daleiden told O’Reilly that he obtained the video from a disillusioned alien outcast who had been banned from the mothership because he had associated with the wrong group of humans.

Daleiden told Bill O’Reilly that the conspiracy to hand over earth to an alien species had been hatched during the Nixon Administration and had been gaining momentum for decades.

“They’re extracting DNA from fetal tissue in order to create a race of mind-dead zombies to use as a food source here on earth,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand. “If we don’t move to defund Planned Parenthood and ban all abortions and birth control, we’re doomed.”

Although the video was jerky and appeared to be patched together from old episodes of the X-Files, 50’s era horror flicks, and home videos featuring Daleiden on some farm with a goat, O’Reilly seemed to swallow the story hook, line, and sinker.

“We can’t allow this to happen,” said O’Reilly. “We’ve got to warn ‘the folks.’ When you combine this outrage with rap music and women’s suffrage, it could mean the end of humanity!”

Although Daleiden has never had sex himself and has no clue what the fuck he is talking about most of the time, he is certain that he knows what is best for humanity. “God only wants us to have sex once we are married and then only in the missionary position for the purpose of procreation,” said Daleiden.

“It could very well be too late,” said Daleiden. “You can see the results of the aliens’ work just by looking across the political landscape. There are whole political parties that are no more than sheep. Take the Tea Party for instance; they’re little more than mindless automatons who can’t even spell. It’s sad.”

Although none of Daleiden’s videos have proved that Planned Parenthood has broken any laws or even done anything morally wrong, he promised a fawning O’Reilly that his next offering would be absolutely earth-shattering.

“I have incontrovertible evidence that Planned Parenthood is providing fetal tissue to a top-secret lab run by Dennis Rodman in North Korea,” said Daleiden. “They’re trying to produce a master race of NBA stars. It’s deplorable and could lead to the downfall of American sports as we know it.”

North Korea’s Latest Missile Test Deemed “Resounding Success” By Dear Beloved Graceful Athletic Leader

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C.  (CT&P) -According to a South Korean defense official, who requested anonymity lest he be “disappeared” by spies, North Korea launched three short-range ballistic missiles Wednesday morning in a continuation of a recent series of missile and rocket test launches. The missiles were aimed “in the general direction of Los Angeles,” but because the missiles only had a range of about 300 miles, Pentagon officials did not feel that the tests constituted much of a threat.

Kim took time to view an Army-Navy pickup basketball game and lingerie fashion show after the test with Minister of Culture and Body Art Dennis Rodman

The missiles, presumed to be part of the ridiculously unreliable Scud series, were fired from southwest Hwanghae province and flew across the country. One of the missiles tumbled harmlessly into the sea, while another took out a North Korean fishing vessel and its entire crew. The third missile flew in lazy circles slowly gaining altitude before changing course and plunging into a large crowd of civilian “volunteers” drafted to observe the glorious test from nearby grandstands.

So far there are no estimates as to how many starving civilians were vaporized.

North Korea has conducted an unusually large number of test-firings of missiles, artillery and rockets since earlier this year. South Korean officials have confirmed about 90 such firings by North Korea since Feb. 21 and 10 of them have been ballistic launches, according to Seoul’s Defense Ministry.

Pentagon officials suggested that Kim might have more success with his missile program if he did not insist on feeding his engineers to starving Alsatians after every failed test

Analysts theorize that the North’s missile and rocket launches are a message to its neighbors and Washington not to interfere in its buildup of nuclear bombs and other defense capabilities. However, another series of launches this spring have been confirmed to be the result of  Supreme Beloved Beautiful Well-Endowed Gracious Leader Kim Jong-un’s continuing struggle with irritable bowel syndrome, so no one is ready to say for sure just what the fuck the North Koreans are up to.

“We never really know why they conduct these idiotic tests,” said an anonymous South Korean general. “It seems like the only way these morons know how to express themselves is through rocket launches and attacks on South Korean fishing trawlers. It’s really embarrassing.”

According to officials in the Ministry of Tourism and Medieval Torture, the Dear Beloved All-Knowing Sympathetic Graceful Optimistic Leader enjoyed a dinner of stewed goat and Tsingtao beer with three of his wives in order to settle his stomach after the failed test.

The next series of tests is scheduled for early August, assuming the defense ministry can find any engineers who are not suffering from radiation poisoning.

 

Kim Jong-un Elected MP: Scrapes By With 100% Of Vote

Dennis Rodman, Kim’s public relations manager in the United States, congratulates the Dear and Giving Leader during a gala post-election party at campaign headquarters

PYONGYANG-All of North Korea is abuzz with joy today as it has been confirmed that the country’s “Dear, Sweet, Forgiving and Athletically Gifted Leader,” Kim Jong-un, was elected to the Supreme Peoples Assembly with nearly 100% of the vote yesterday. The only dissenting vote came from Kim’s opposition in the race, an 82-year-old mentally disturbed farmer from a remote rural province who had recently been transferred to a mental health clinic in Kim’s district.

Mr Kim celebrates with adoring fans from his elite “Napalm and White Phosphorous Airborne Assault Squadron”

Civic leaders, community organizers, and politicians in the U.S. turned green with envy as it was reported that there was 100% turnout in the election. ‘This is the way elections should be run,” yelled Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. “None of those liberal cry-babies opposing good old common sense for Mr. Kim! No sir! I’ll have to say that ‘the folks’ in North Korea really came out on top this time!”

The “Dearest and Most Magnanimous Perfect Specimen of Manhood Leader” celebrated the victory by partying all night with Dennis Rodman, his P.R. man in America, and approximately 27 members of his specially trained all female “stress-relief” squad. The “Handsome Forthright Charming Incorruptible Leader” rewarded his over two million volunteer campaign workers by giving them each an extra food ration for the day which consisted of one slice of bread and a 16 oz container of Despotic Springs Sparkling Water, which is proudly bottled by political prisoners in Hamhung, North Korea’s “Second City.”

Kim’s Alsatians are seen here getting warmed up for their performance at the gala victory celebration. They managed to tear the opposition candidate apart in a record 9.6 seconds.

Im Insane, Kim’s opposition in the race, garnered only one vote; his own. As the main event at Kim’s victory party at campaign headquarters, Mr. Insane and his campaign manager, a ferret named ‘Lucky,’ were devoured alive by Kim’s beloved pets, a pack of around 100 vicious and half-starved Alsatians. The Alsatians made short work of Mr. Insane despite being exhausted from a busy week of tearing dissidents limb from limb. Only the day before they had been tasked with dismembering two trade union agitators, three Christian missionaries, and a point guard from who missed an easy lay-up in the annual North Korean Army-Navy basketball game.

The “Most Wonderful and Sexually Proficient Gift To North Korean Women Leader” Mr. Kim is said to be planning a vacation to celebrate his victory and get some much-needed rest and relaxation. Stops are planned in Damascus and Tehran to study some unique and innovative forms of detainment and torture. The more than three dozen Mrs. Kims are expected to accompany him on his travels.