Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to Murphy-if they can read, that is.

Georgia Cops Immolate Infant As Part Of New Drug War Initiative

Sheriff Terrell is seen here after a raid on what used to be a Section 8 housing tract

ATLANTA (CT&P) – “I stand behind what our team did,” said Sheriff Joey “Kilgore” Terrell of Habersham County Georgia, referring to a 3:00 a.m. no-knock SWAT raid in which a 19-month-old child was severely burned by a flash-bang grenade. “There’s nothing to investigate, there’s nothing to look at,” continued the sheriff, relaying the conclusions of the County DA’s office and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. “Bad things can happen. That’s just the world we live in.”

The raid was carried out as part of state-wide pilot program called “Operation Crib Death.” The initiative is federally funded through the now infamous Patriot Act. Although the cash has been around for a while, Georgia is the first state to actually take advantage of it. The program seeks to “stop drug abuse before it starts” by severely maiming or murdering infants, toddlers, and preschoolers in order to “set an example” of just how dangerous drugs can be.

A spokesman for the GBI told reporters that the raid was an overall success and more “no-knock” warrants and illegal wiretaps will be used in the future. “Listen, the constitution is clear: government has the right to use any force necessary to determine where you live, who you marry, and what you put in your body,” said Corporal Mark “Napalm” Nabob. “We may not be able to regulate firearms in this country, but we can damn sure regulate everything else!”

A Habersham County SWAT team member trains with a new flamethrower obtained with federal funding to fight the ‘War On Drugs’

The SWAT team involved in the raid that burned the unfortunate infant will be decorated for its brave and decisive action later this week. Singled out for special recognition will be Billy “Fastball” Baker, the courageous officer who actually managed to hit the crib dead center with a stun grenade while cowering behind a bulletproof shield.

“Billy showed exemplary aim and a cool head,” said Sheriff Terrell. “I don’t know three other guys in the southeast that could have made that shot. He’ll get a case of beer for that one!”

In a raid earlier this spring, Sheriff Terrell responded to rumors of drug use in a Clarkesville middle school by dropping napalm from a police helicopter, thus neutralizing the threat. Only 200 lives were lost in the operation and it was deemed a resounding success

The pilot program that Georgia is using to incinerate its youth was initiated earlier this year as a result of frustration over the abysmal failure of the “War On Drugs” to do anything but make the problem much worse. “We’ve tried stealing drug user’s cars and homes, seizing their cash, killing their dogs and cats, imprisoning them longer than we do murderers and pedophiles, hell, we even shot a great-grandmother to death down in Atlanta, and nothing seems to work,” said Jimmy “Scorched Earth” Johnson of the DEA.

“So a bunch of us got together for a golf weekend and brainstorming retreat and we came up with this new program. We thought, well, there is nothing worse on the planet than people doing drugs in the privacy of their own homes, so if they wind up dead, we’re really doing them a favor,” said Johnson.

While 19-month-old “Bou Bou” is in a medically induced coma fighting for his life, Habersham County SWAT team members are pulling on their jackboots and preparing for another raid

“That’s right,” added Corporal Nabob, “job number one of law enforcement has to be keeping kids off drugs, and if it means killing a few of them to set a good example, well, that’s what I call ‘tough love.'”

Although the program’s effectiveness has not yet been judged by experts, local law enforcement agencies all over the country are lining up to receive funding. The money will be used to purchase grenades with a greater “kill radius,” flamethrowers, drones armed with Hellfire missiles, and in the case of larger cities such as Los Angeles and New York, tactical nuclear missiles.

“Hopefully, this will make all the money we have spent to imprison our own citizens and ruin so many lives finally worthwhile,” said Johnson. “The ‘War On Drugs’ will never be over, but at least Operation Crib Death will save a few innocent children from the evils of drugs, even if it does kill them.”

 

 

 

CIA Whistleblower Confirms That Santa Claus Is White

LONDON-At an early morning press conference held at The Guadian’s London headquarters, spokesman Lord John Wharfin announced that the paper had obtained incontrovertible evidence that Santa Claus is in fact a Caucasian.

Lord Wharfin displayed a series of grainy long-range surveillance photographs along with a statement from a mole within the C.I.A. The photos revealed a bearded man in a red suit backing a rental truck up to the dock of a C.I.A. “black site” somewhere in the Balkans. “As you can plainly see from this photograph, Santa is undoubtedly a white man,” Wharfin said.

The series of photos showed Santa leaning out of the truck with a cigarette dangling from his mouth using the driver’s side mirror to line up the rear of the truck with the loading bay. Wharfin continued, “We can also deduce that Santa smokes Camels and the burst blood vessels around the nose and cheeks indicate that he is a heavy drinker.”

An unnamed informant told The Guardian that Santa was delivering a vintage “Brazen Bull” from Sicily, once used by Phalaris, tyrant of Akragas, to execute unruly citizens. The C.I.A. had placed the Bull at the top of its Christmas list this year. Santa apparently obtained the Bull from a surplus store in Palermo.

The “Brazen Bull” has been a tried and true torture and execution device for millenia. It is a hollow bull cast from bronze or gold into which the condemned are placed while a fire is set under it. As the bull heats up, the unfortunates inside slowly roast to death. All in all it can be a rather unpleasant experience.

Traditionally, brazen bulls have been equipped with devices on the snout which convert the screams of the damned into beautiful music. However, the C.I.A. model has been modified to produce confessions and information that the intelligence community wants to hear, regardless of its veracity.

A “Brazen Bull” from Phalaris’ first production run circa 550 BC

In a written statement read aloud by Lord Wharfin the mysterious whistleblower said, “For some time now the Agency has been casting about for a replacement for waterboarding and long-term sleep deprivation. We have just had too much bad press on those two methods of torture. The drone program is cool, but it’s damn near impossible to interrogate anyone after they and their families have been blown to bits by high explosive. The ‘Bull’ offers us a viable alternative, and who knows, maybe later we can sell a few knock-offs to the FBI or DEA for domestic use.”

Lord Wharfin closed the press conference by saying that The Guardian did not in any way support the torture of any individuals under any circumstances. The disclosure regarding the “Brazen Bull” was merely a by-product of its efforts to determine the racial background of a mythical character purported to visit millions of homes on Jesus’ birthday.