Esteemed Philosopher And Part-Time Climatologist Dr. Marco Rubio To Be Nominated For Nobel Prize

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – After years of trying to make himself relevant outside the zoo that is his home state of Florida, Senator Marco Rubio has finally hit the “big time” with his new philosophical system that was made public for the first time last week. Senator Rubio (R-FL) outlined his system on Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox News (surprise) Tuesday night.

Senator Rubio told O’Reilly that despite the fact that 95% of climate scientists agree that climate change is indeed occurring and the vast majority of it is being caused by human beings, what really matters is what we believe about climate change. When asked to clarify his statement, Rubio said, “I don’t agree with the notion that some are putting out there, including scientists, that somehow, there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what’s happening in our climate. Facts and actions don’t matter with my new system. It’s your opinion that makes the difference.”

“It’s like with cigarettes and evolution,” continued Rubio, “in my philosophical system, if you don’t believe that cigarettes will kill you, then they won’t. Furthermore, if you have faith that some being created the earth around 6,000 years ago, and T-Rex was hanging out with Jesus in Palestine, well then, that’s what really happened.”

The appearance by Rubio on O’Reilly’s show has sent shock waves through the scientific community worldwide.

“I don’t know why someone hasn’t  thought of this before,” said renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. “This will turn the scientific method on its head. To think that we have wasted all those hundreds of years actually trying to prove theories through repeatable experiments…Rubio’s insight is just breathtaking. It’s all the more remarkable that he chose O’Reilly’s show to unveil this new way of looking at the world. That show is usually just a black hole of ignorance. All I can say is ‘WOW!'”

Rubio says the new system will have far-reaching effects in government policy and basically walks hand in hand with right-wing Republican initiatives already on the books.

Charles Krauthammer was quick to jump on the Rubio “facts don’t matter” bandwagon. He told Fox viewers “I’m proud to be a Dullard, and I’m supporting Rubio in 2016.”

“Now, if you don’t feel well or if you are hungry, all you have to do is believe that you are healthy and well fed, and that solves the problem,” said Rubio. “There’s absolutely no need for government or even charities to worry with the unfortunates in our society. Their problems have always been in their collective head, and my new way of looking at things absolves us from taking any action about it. Think of the money we’ll save!”

Republican leaders and talking heads were quick to jump on the Rubio bandwagon. Charles Krauthammer in particular has become a devotee of “Dullardism,” as the new philosophy is being called. Both Krauthammer and George Will lent their intellectual weight to the new ideas on Fox News’ Panneau de Crétins show on Sunday morning. The normally pompous “prig in a wig” Will said, “I’m really humbled and impressed by Rubio’s deep thought on this matter. We haven’t seen this kind of intellectual progress since Kierkegaard made his famous ‘leap of faith.'”

Republicans were not the only ones impressed by Rubio, however. Enough Democrats agree with his system that it is quite likely that no action will be taken to rein in climate change, or any other global problem, for the foreseeable future.

“I think it’s quite likely that nothing will be done about climate change until those morons in Congress are forced use scuba gear on Capitol Hill,” said Kevin Tyndall, Director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research. “I sincerely hope they all drown in their beds.”

There is however some good news here. Those of us that are over fifty will never feel the full effects of climate change or for that matter Rubio’s new philosophy. We can leave those particular problems for future generations to worry about.

 

 

 

 

Jesus Forced To Retreat After Skirmish With Forces of “Big Gay” Outside Phoenix

Routed by a small but enlightened army of angry hair stylists and set designers, Jesus berated the Archangel Michael for “piss poor planning.” He is seen here retreating on his trusty rapturesaurus, “Clyde.”

Bryan Fischer warns his vast nationwide audience of over 300 elderly white listeners of the dangers of offering equal rights to anyone who disagrees with his interpretation of the Bible

PHOENIX-The “forces of light,” led by Jesus Christ, suffered a humiliating setback yesterday outside Phoenix, Arizona when they were routed by “the forces of darkness,” led by the recently deceased Ian McKlellan. The sizable contingent of redneck religious zealots was sent scurrying back to the relative safety of the Arizona state senate chambers after a brief skirmish with a small but intelligent and highly motivated force of gay rights advocates.

Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, conservative radio talk show host, and imbecilic bigot, had predicted just such an outcome less than a week ago on his blockbuster hit show “Focal Point.” On Thursday March 6th, the Prophet Fischer had proclaimed that the future of America and the world would be determined by “whether the forces of light or darkness will prevail in the battle over special rights based on sexually deviant behavior.” Fischer went on to declare that “everywhere that ‘Big Gay’ gains ground, Christ is forced to retreat.”

Fischer as he appears to anyone with an IQ over 55

Fischer, unsure of his own sexuality and long a champion of oppression and discrimination targeting gays, minorities, and the poor, went on to assert that the future of the entire planet hinges on beating back the forces of progress, societal enlightenment and equal treatment under the law. Fischer warned that “if the forces of sexual deviancy prevail…every part of our culture will be corrupted, it will be contaminated beyond repair and America…will plunge the world into an abyss of darkness and depravity.”

Although rarely correct about anything at all, Fischer seems to have hit the nine inch nail on the head this time. It seems that a poorly led and disorganized divine militia was no match for the masterfully led and motivated force it was up against outside Phoenix.

General Ian McKellan based his battle plan on General Robert E. Lee’s masterpiece at Chancellorsville in 1863

General McKlellan, affectionately referred to as “Gandy” by his troops, based his plan of battle on Lee’s masterpiece, the battle of Chancellorsville. He used two divisions of hair stylists, servers, and set designers flown in on chartered flights from Atlanta and Los Angeles to pin down Christ’s superior numbers while he sent interior designers mounted on catering trucks on a flank march to his left. The route of the mobile force was obscured from view by one of Phoenix’s empty and overgrown neighborhoods abandoned after the housing collapse.

Unaware of the danger to their flank and rear,  Jesus and the Archangel Michael were busy leading futile charges against McKlellan’s well dug in troops. A special squad of combat engineers and part-time choreographers had designed an elaborate trench system that Jesus’ pickup-mounted rednecks simply could not penetrate.

Jesus tried to rally his troops with the help of Corporal Ted Cruz and his rangers, known as the “Texas Gay Bashers”

The interior designers finally reached their jumping-off points near dusk. Letting out a blood-curdling, high-pitched, and rather effeminate version of the Rebel yell, they pounced on the right flank and rear of Jesus’ divine militia. The result was chaos, panic, and extreme sexual insecurity within the ranks of the redneck army. Despite mule-headed and senseless resistance on the part of a small group of hard-core Tea Party agitators led by Corporal Ted Cruz, the entire throng of Neanderthals was forced into a hasty, embarrassing retreat back inside the gates of Phoenix.

Down but not out, Jesus vowed to continue the battle at a later date. Sources tell us that the Archangel Michael will be replaced as second in command by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) who is known for his bloodthirsty destruction of cities and ability to turn humans into pillars of iodized salt.

A dejected Jesus returns to Phoenix aboard his backup ride, the messiahraptor “Armageddon’

The battle was reviewed ad nauseam on Fox News channel for 24 hours straight before the network got back to its normal cycle of continuous irrational pounding of Obamacare. On Special Report with Bret Baier, Charles Krauthammer criticized the leadership of the “forces of light” during the nightly segment “Panneau de Cretins.”

The lugubrious Krauthammer opined, “This is what happens when you have spineless, namby-pamby left-wing leadership. I mean, who is going to respect Jesus as a military leader after all that liberal “turn the other cheek” tripe in the New Testament? McKlellan is going to continue to run over him like Putin is doing to Obama in Crimea right now. We need to recruit someone with some grit and determination if we are going to win this all-battle against gay rights. I hear Mephistopheles is available. Maybe we can recruit him to run in 2016.”

Bryan Fischer had a childlike hissy-fit and then descended into deep depression after the battle

“Clyde,” Jesus’ trusty rapturesaurus, was captured during the battle and transported back to Atlanta where his captors intend to give him a complete makeover. “I think he would look just divine in purple feathers,” said Sid Marino, owner of Sid’s Chic Salon on Peachtree Street

Bryan Fischer is said to have had some sort of mental breakdown after the results of the battle were announced. He is said to be in deep depression and has retreated to a buried shipping container somewhere in Idaho. Foreseeing this possibility, his aides stocked the container with weapons, dehydrated beans, and survivalist pamphlets long ago.