Brick Top To Lead Clinton Poll Watching Team

 

PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.

“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”

Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.

So far reporters have been unable to confirm rumors swirling around the Clinton campaign that a farm in western New York has been leased for the month of November.

“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.'”

When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!

“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.

Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.

 

 

 

Hillary Hires Brick Top As Campaign Manager

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – The Times-Picayune has learned from sources close to the Clinton Campaign that Mrs. Clinton has appointed underworld figure and part-time diplomat Brick Top to run her 2016 presidential campaign. Brick Top is scheduled to arrive in New York from London sometime over the weekend for initial planning with Clinton’s campaign team.

Brick Top is admired throughout the British Isles for his “no-nonsense” approach to problem-solving

“We’ve already drawn up a list of potential targets for Brick Top and his men,” said an aide to Clinton, on condition of anonymity. “We understand that he’s bringing about a dozen East End thugs over with him. Those guys really know how to get things done!”

Brick Top met briefly with reporters at Heathrow Airport before boarding his flight to the United States.

“I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Clinton on her presidential campaign,” he said. “I’ve long been an admirer of the Clinton’s tactics, particularly their ability to make political opponents simply disappear or commit suicide. It reminds me of the good old days when I was running my hog farm outside London. Dead men don’t tell tales, is what I always say!”

No one is quite sure of the exact number, but investigators estimate that over 200 of Brick Top’s business associates have been digested by his ungulates

When asked if he was concerned about Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders siphoning off votes from Mrs. Clinton, Brick Top replied, “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me. I plan on having a little “sit down” with Mrs Warren and Mr. Sanders. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them.”

“But they have already said that,” began a reporter for the Daily Mail, but Brick Top cut him off, saying, ” Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

“I’m sorry sir,” said the trembling journalist.

Aides say that Mrs. Clinton made the decision to hire Brick Top because she “no longer had time to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots.”

“Now, as I was saying, as for that group of unhinged lunatics running on the Republican side, well, I’ve got a nasty little surprise I’m going to plant underneath their clown car. Anyone who thinks Iran is problem has not met me,” he chuckled.

When a reporter for the Daily Mirror asked Brick Top if he thought he could make the adjustment to American politics, he ended the press conference by saying, ” You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Then he turned, boarded his flight, and took off for the States.

When we asked the anonymous source just how much Clinton planned on paying Brick Top for his services, the source replied, “Whatever the fuck he wants.”

 

White House Appoints Brick Top New Surgeon General

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a meeting with health officials at the White House this morning, President Obama has announced that Brick Top will be appointed to assume the post of Surgeon General of the United States.

The last appointee, Dr. Vivek Murthy, failed to be confirmed by Congress after a smear campaign organized by the NRA and right-wing propaganda outlets such as Fox News. However, the White House apparently feels that Brick Top will sail through the confirmation process because he has files on every member of Congress and knows “where the bodies are buried.”

Brick Top told reporters he had been “taken aback” by the poor quality of Ebola reporting on cable outlets. “In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again? Did you guys even pass a 6th grade science class?”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that Brick Top was chosen because of his innate ability “to get things done in a timely and efficient manner, regardless of the situation.”

“Brick Top knows how to cut through red tape…and flesh and bone for that matter,” said Earnest. “The President is frankly sick to death of all the hysteria being spread by imbecile pundits on cable outlets regarding the Ebola situation, and he wanted to appoint someone who could silence the critics and put this thing to bed.”

“Did you know there is even a conspiracy theory making the rounds that the CDC is lying to the public regarding transmission of the disease? I tell you guys, there is no shortage of stupid in this country. After he takes care of this crisis, the President is thinking of putting Brick Tip in charge of a complete overhaul of the Department of Education so we can at least come up to Third World standards.”

After Earnest was finished Brick Top came to the podium to make a few remarks.

“I want everyone in this room to understand who is in charge now,” said Brick Top. “I don’t want any criticism from you or your ilk about my methods or how the CDC is handling this matter. If I hear one more muttonheaded story on Fox News or CNN, I can assure you that you will be paid a visit by one of my boys. For you new guys, crossing me will win you a tour of my pig farm.”

Brick Top made it quite clear that anyone trumpeting any more hysterical conspiracy theories would be a “guest of honor” at his pig farm in rural Maryland

The new Surgeon General then gave a detailed description of just what a tour of his pig farm meant…

“You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

For the first time in history there were no follow-up questions from the White House Press Corps.

 

Obama Recalls Kerry From Middle East, Dispatches Brick Top To Take His Place

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the president have informed Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that Mr. Obama is recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from the Middle East and is planning to send Brick Top over to take his place.

This marks the second occasion Secretary Kerry has been recalled and replaced with Brick Top

“This is the second time we’ve had to recall that naive dufus from an international crisis zone and send in Brick Top to clean up the mess, and the president is pretty pissed off about it,” said the source, who wished to remain anonymous.

“The first time was when Putin made an absolute fool out of John over that whole Crimea mess. Now he’s over there bumbling around Israel and Gaza, and he’s threatening to go to Baghdad to try to ‘save’ the Iraqi government from itself. Everywhere this dude goes he makes things worse.”

“Only last week Bibi Netanyahu rang me up and begged for us to ‘get that idiot out of my reception area.'”

It seems that with the ground invasion of Gaza in full swing, Secretary Kerry was loitering around outside the prime minister’s office drinking a Tab and telling everyone he could corner that “the world was a complex and dangerous place.”

Brick Top enjoyed a cup of tea at one location of his chain of airport concession stands while his private jet was being fueled. Brick Top won the rights to his concession stands by feeding the competing bidders to hungry pigs on his farm in Connecticut

“Kerry is a good guy and he means well,” said the source, but he has a sixth-grade grasp of geopolitics. In short, Kerry has a ‘brilliant grasp of the obvious'”

Brick Top is scheduled to depart Dulles International aboard his private jet “Hog Farmer One” around noon today.

He was mobbed by reporters as he left his home in Georgetown early this morning. One reporter asked him to comment on Kerry being recalled.

Brick Top replied: “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

At Dulles Brick Top paused long enough to send a message to the unruly Arabs of the Middle East.

“I’m on my way over there my towel-headed pals, and I want that place nice and peaceful by the time my plane sets down in Tel Aviv.”

“And I have a special message for you wacked-out camel jockeys of ISIS. You are going to meet your nemesis. Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me!”