Franklin Graham Encourages Christians To Be More Like Jesus And Hate Gay People

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.

Graham warned that if the Supreme Court makes gay marriage the law of the land, the Ape Coalition would push for equal rights and “God would damn us all to HELL!”

Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.

“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”

Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.

After pleading with his followers to boycott almost every fucking business on the planet, Graham begged believers to read their Bibles, where one can find justification for almost any abomination man has ever committed.

“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!

“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”

So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.

“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.

After the press conference Graham retired to his study where he prayed that every gay man on earth be cast into the Lake of Fire so he wouldn’t be tempted anymore.

“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.

Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.

“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.

“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”

 

 

Costco’s Expression Of Religious Freedom Outrages Conservatives

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – Costco’s recent decision to remove Dinesh D’souza’s polemic fantasy, America: Imagine the World Without Her, from its bookshelves has been met with outrage by right wingers, Tea Partiers, and other historical revisionists across the United States. Many individuals and groups have vowed to boycott Costco as way to express their collective outrage.

At a press conference early this morning, Costco CEO Craig Jelinek explained the reasons for the corporation’s actions: “Costco is merely expressing her SCOTUS-given rights of free speech, religious expression, and unlimited ability to contribute cash to the candidate of her own choice.”

“A central tenet of Costco’s deeply-held religious beliefs is the guarantee that no customer should have to live with the fear of exposure to historical revisionism, extreme tribalism, medieval views regarding immigration, or feverish half-baked conspiracy theories about Benghazi,” said Jelinek.

Tea Party organizations across the country have vowed to boycott Costco in response to her actions regarding D’souza’s comic book

“Costco, is an individual and citizen of the United States, endowed with all the rights guaranteed by the Constitution. She believes in her heart that D’souza’s book is no more than a collection of right-wing talking points vomited up and coagulated on paper that would serve the world better as trees helping to clean our atmosphere. Therefore she felt that Costco customers and employees should not be exposed to the toxic bilge contained within this 3rd grade interpretation of American history.”

When asked if Costco feared the inevitable backlash and boycott from right wingers across the country, Jelinek replied, “Well, let them boycott Costco and let sane individuals boycott Hobby Lobby. Forgive me but I think the sane folks are getting the better deal.”

A reporter from Hollywood Weekly asked Jelinek if Costco would be carrying the DVD of the movie America when it is released. He replied, “That’s up to Costco. She will make that decision closer to the release date. However, I don’t see why any of our customers would want to pay good money for propaganda like that when all they have to do is tune in to Fox News to get the same hateful garbage spewed at them.”

Jelinek added that in order to accommodate former Hobby Lobby customers, he was ordering Costco buyers to stock up on Elmer’s Glue, a wide variety of worthless trinkets and glitter, and sticks harvested from various swamps in Louisiana.