Fox News: Russia Invades Ukraine, Obamacare And Benghazi To Blame

NEW YORK-Friday, on her nightly Obama hate-fest, Greta Van Susteren of Fox News announced that her crack team of investigators had obtained a copy of a “secret memo” sent from Vladimir Putin to selected members of the Russian Duma outlining his intentions a la Ukraine and Crimea. The memo leaked out because a member of “The Committee of Public Safety” code-named “Danton” objected to Putin’s use of military force.

According to Greta, Putin stated in the memo; “The American imperialist dogs have become weak and spineless because of the Muslim negro Obama’s attempt to provide healthcare to the unfortunate victims of their corrupt capitalist society. The lack of response to the Benghazi terrorist attack is clear evidence that the once powerful American swine have no stomach left for a fight after the ill-advised wars in Afganistan and Iraq. Now is the time comrades! Let us regain our natural place in the world by invading and subjugating countries who could benefit from our culture of chess grandmasters, manic-depressive literature, excellent vodka, and our nuclear reactor design expertise! The Muslim protozoa Obama will not dare to respond!”

A panel of distinguished experts on the show agreed. The well-paid group of doltish pundits emphasized that the Russian incursion into Crimea had nothing to do with Putin’s desire to secure and protect Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Sevastopol. They also assured Fox’s elderly white audience Putin’s actions had nothing to do with Russia’s traditional sphere of influence in Ukraine. No, it was all about Obama, vortex of all evil in the modern world.

Greta stated that the memo detailed Putin’s plans to sweep into western Europe after Ukraine had been successfully taken back into the fold. According to Van Susteren, drunken, power-mad hordes of invincible Russian infantry will then invade Poland and the Baltic countries. Russian armored columns will form a veritable “steamroller to Berlin” just like in 1945.

Greta and her simple-minded and vacuous panel came to the unfortunate conclusion that America as we know it has very little time left. In only five short years President Obama has managed to wreck all that is good about the United States. It will be up to Republican governors to try to save what is left of America when the savage saber-wielding Cossacks arrive on our shores to rape and pillage our beautiful land. In short, we are doomed.

Iran Annexes The Sudetenland

Only minutes after the Iran nuclear deal was inked, elements of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard marched into the Sudetenland, apparently in an effort to annex the area as Iranian soil.

“President Obama promised us territorial gains if we promised not to make bombs,” said President Hassan Rouhani of Iran. “We figured we would start small and work our way up. We also have our eyes on Luxemburg, Poland, and possibly The Channel Islands.” He continued, “It’s really a win, win, win for everyone involved. The citizens of these new Iranian territories will receive free religious education and military training, we will gain valuable new real estate in Europe, and President Obama will get the American people off his back about that stupid website.”

Conservative pundits in the United States decried the agreement as being one of the worst ever made. At Fox News, the normally copious supply of blood pressure medication was consumed in minutes.

Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia stated “This agreement and the subsequent actions of the Revolutionary Guard are unconscionable. It just goes to show how far the Obama Administration will go to take the spotlight off the healthcare debacle.” He continued, “No one thinks that the Iranians will stop with the Sudetenland. They have mentioned other territory they covet for “living space” for their people. In fact, the CIA has discovered plans for an Iranian invasion of Ukraine after the winter snows abate. Furthermore, we have it on good authority that the Iranian diplomats were wearing explosive vests during the negotiations.”

At this point, Sarah Palin, who was visiting Senator Chambliss, chimed in: “If this keeps up, I’ll be able to see Iran from my home in Alaska!” Chambliss just rolled his eyes.

Secretary of State John Kerry downplayed Chambliss’ criticisms and those of conservative pundits. “This is an agreement that will guarantee ‘Peace with Honor.’ We won’t have to worry about the Iranian nuclear threat for a long while, or at least for a few weeks. Besides, who ever heard of the Sudetenland anyway?”

Reid Goes Nuclear, Rush Goes Insane

Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s tenuous grip on reality exhibited further signs of decay last week when he went on a rant comparing Senator Reid’s use of the nuclear option to the rape of women.

Limbaugh has apparently long been obsessed with rape as evidenced by his frequent use of rape analogies during political discussions. For example, in 2009 Limbaugh stated that “people in the private sector are being raped by this (Obama’s) administration.” Also, again in 2009, Limbaugh told his listeners to “get ready to be gang-raped again folks” while discussing health care reform.

These are just two examples of many ridiculous and irrational rape analogies Limbaugh has used in the past.

After his most recent abomination, pundits descended on Limbaugh like vultures on an elephant carcass. Theories as to the cause of his affliction are numerous and varied. Some believe that his rape fixation stems from a deep-seated insecurity resulting in feelings of inadequacy, while others attribute his lack of cogency to a possible minor stroke suffered sometime in the distant past.

One interesting explanation comes from Professor George Smiley of the Foundation for the Promotion of Critical Thought in Education. Mr. Smiley stated, “We see this misuse of analogy and metaphor more and more in the United States. We think the increase may be the result of the woeful state of secondary education here in America. Reason and critical thought are simply not emphasized, if taught at all.”

“This is nothing new,” Smiley continued, “we fight a constant battle with dimwits who insist on keeping self-evident truths such as the equality of women, evolution and the Big Bang out of the curriculum on religious grounds. It’s no small wonder that insensitive and irrational rape analogies are so common, particularly when the perpetrator’s livelihood depends on pleasing these groups.”

Limbaugh has by no means limited his inaccurate analogies to rape. He has in the past compared the food stamp program to the Trail of Tears, welfare to the Holocaust, and Obamacare to the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs.

One does have to wonder at the state of our educational system when such an unhinged mind can amass the listening audience and great wealth that is attributed to Limbaugh. “It’s depressing,” said Smiley, “but we keep fighting. As you may or may not know, the last thing to come out of Pandora’s box was hope, and it springs eternal.”