Carson Defends Fetal Tissue Research: “We Never Used Christian Babies”

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.

Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.

Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.

Dr. Carson is well-known for his batshit crazy theories. In 2005 he published an essay in Christian Archaeology Quarterly claiming to have proof that fossils were placed on earth by Satan to fool humans into believing that evolution was true.

“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”

However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”

She wrote on her blog:

“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”

As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:

Dr. Carson assured his supporters that he only conducted research on fetuses from atheists and other “unsaved trash.”

“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”

His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.

“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.

“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation to become a successful neurosurgeon and Tea Party darling.

“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”

Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.

His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.

However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.

According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.

Pentagon Unloads Old Anthrax Stocks On Unsuspecting Labs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) -The L.A. Times is reporting that an Army bio-defense facility in Utah may have mistakenly sent live anthrax samples to 51 commercial companies, academic institutions and federal labs without proper safeguards, more than double the total disclosed last week.

The magnitude of the “foul up” came to light during an investigation led by General Buck Turgidson USAF (Ret).

General Turgidson said Wednesday that the facilities are scattered across 17 states and the District of Columbia, as well as in Canada, Australia and Korea, suggesting a systemic lapse in the military’s little-known program to study defenses against biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

General Turgidson spoke with reporters over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland

The anthrax shipments originated at the Army’s Dugway Proving Ground, a sprawling facility southwest of Salt Lake City where scientists focus on trying to defend the nation from potential biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

“This was apparently part of an exercise called Operation Dropkick,” said Turgidson when interviewed over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland.

“It appears that General Jack D. Ripper, the commander in charge over at Dugway, ordered the samples sent out as way to test our readiness in the event of a terrorist attack,” said Turgidson.

Ripper is the former commander of Burpelson Air Force Base in Nevada, but was transferred to Dugway after he sent an entire wing of B-1 bombers to attack Iran after attending a wild hog hunt and barbecue with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas.

“I hate to judge before all the facts are in,” said Turgidson, “but it looks like General Ripper has exceeded his authority.”

General Ripper was demoted and transferred to Dugway after he attempted to vaporize Iran on orders from Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas

Meanwhile, officials from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta are scrambling to recover the samples and treat anyone who may have been exposed.

The Pentagon and CDC will brief reporters Wednesday afternoon on the investigation into how and why the potentially deadly organisms were repeatedly shipped without appropriate safeguards, and whether safety systems are adequate at the labs.

“The CDC is concerned with understanding just what the fuck happened here and to make sure affected labs have everything they need to protect their workers,” said Jason McDonald, a CDC spokesman.

General Ripper has been placed under guard and will be transported to an undisclosed location where he is scheduled to be interviewed using “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

He released a brief statement before he was detained by members of the 101st Airborne Division:

“I can no longer sit back and allow Muslim infiltration, Muslim indoctrination, Muslim subversion, and the international Muslim conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

NSA code breakers are currently trying to figure out the meaning of Ripper’s statement.

 

 

 

Republican Lawmakers Scramble To Preserve Streams And Wetlands For Industrial Runoff

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Reaction to new EPA clean water rules has been fast and furious on Capitol Hill among Republican lawmakers, who are currently scrambling to craft legislation that will insure that our pristine streams and wetlands will be reserved for use by large corporations and factory farms. The pro-pollution Republican Caucus has been joined in the effort by Democrats from farm states who are willing to put aside core values in favor of campaign contributions.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) summed up the anti-environment position nicely in his reaction to the EPA’s rules release.

“The administration’s decree to unilaterally expand federal authority is a raw and tyrannical power grab that will crush large corporations, giant factory farms, and faceless industrial giants that need these streams and wetlands as a place to dump their deadly chemicals,” said Boehner.

Boehner compared the EPA to the Khmer Rouge and said that if the rules were allowed to stand, giant corporations would lose a little money, which would precipitate a genocide in America’s heartland.

“These leaders know firsthand that the rule is being shoved down the throats of hardworking CEO’s with no input, and places giant landowners, benevolent corporations such as Monsanto, and manufacturers of carcinogenic pesticides on the road to a regulatory and economic hell not seen since the days of the ‘Killing Fields’ in Cambodia. If these rules are allowed to stand, these innocent victims of government overreach will actually have to think twice before fucking up the entire American landscape for the rest of us.”

Boehner paused to wipe spittle from his chin and take a sip of Wild Turkey before continuing:

“This power grab is part of a three-prong socialist conspiracy to take over large portions of the United States, including vast areas of the southwest, by any means possible. Providing the American people with health care, clean water, and clean air will only lead to a healthier and more informed oppressed class, and we in the Republican Party just cannot allow that to happen.”

Boehner ended the press conference by saying that President Obama was a minion of Satan and only an idiot would want to drink clean water and breathe clean air.

“Look at me,” said Boehner, “I do just fine on a steady diet of bourbon, tar, and solar radiation.”

New Research Pinpoints Origins Of Republican Party

FLORES, INDONESIA – (CT&P) – An American archeological research team working on the Indonesian island of Flores has uncovered evidence that indicates that the “hobbits” of the Soa Basin may have been the first Republicans. The team has presented as evidence stone tablets written in an ancient tongue that bears a striking resemblance to the doublespeak so common among GOP leaders today, and the tablets outline a political philosophy that almost perfectly coincides with the reactionary policies advocated by the right wing in modern America.

The symbol of the dominant political party on Flores during the time of the “hobbits” was the mastodon. It apparently evolved over a period of time into the current GOP elephant.

The team, led by Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland township New Jersey, is currently working at the Liang Bua site, which made headlines with the discovery of Homo floresiensis, better known to the public as the “hobbits” of human evolution.

The site was originally discovered during the 1950’s and 60’s by Father Theodor Verhoeven, who lived and worked on Flores at a Catholic Seminary.  Verhoeven had a keen interest in archeology and had studied it at university.  While living on Flores, he identified dozens of archeological sites and conducted excavations at many of these, including the now famous site of Liang Bua.

Verhoeven was the first to report that stone tools were found in association with Stegodon remains in central Flores at several sites within the Soa Basin. At the time, paleoanthropologists took little notice of Verhoeven’s claims or if they did, they discounted them outright.

The diminutive size and small braincase of Homo floresiensis gave the “hobbits” a type of Napoleon complex that made them very insecure and resistant to change or progress of any kind. The very same traits can be found in Republican leaders today.

However, since then, several research teams uncovered evidence that confirmed Verhoeven’s findings regarding the tools and fossils around the various sites on Flores. But it was not until 2003 that the skeletal remains of Homo floresiensis was discovered.

The discovery led to further expeditions, and more remains and artifacts were uncovered, leading to all types of speculation regarding the “hobbits” place in the evolutionary ladder.

Now the discovery of stone tablets that indicate a primitive grasp of language and social policy has thrown the scientific community into an uproar.

“We never expected that such a primitive culture would be able to create a written language, much less a viable political party,” said Professor Hikita. “Despite their diminutive size and small braincase, the “hobbits” seem to have developed their own policies regarding religion, sexual orientation, taxation, and immigration, to name a few.”

The first clue that “hobbit” DNA may have been passed down to Homo sapiens was found in incoherent speech patterns and nonsensical statements made by current GOP leaders. “The same nonsense was spouted by “hobbit” political leaders 700,000 years ago, and someone had the good sense to write it all down on stone tablets,” said Professor Hikita

“From what we can discern from our examination of these stone tablets, the “hobbits” were a highly reactionary species that reacted violently to change of any kind,” said Hikita. “This translated into a very vanilla society that eschewed new ideas or anything out of the ordinary. Any deviation from the regimented way of life that the “hobbits” championed was greeted with derision, ostracization, or imprisonment on neighboring islands.”

According to Professor Hikita, immigrants to Flores were looked upon with suspicion and treated as second class citizens. “The “hobbits” were terrified of outsiders and generally thought them useful for only doing menial labor around the cave and working in the fields,” said the professor. “It really was a bigoted way of treating their fellow hominids.”

“It’s as if the “hobbits” were stuck in the past and unable to evolve into a more progressive society, and this eventually caused their downfall. However, by comparing the DNA of Homo floresiensis to that of modern humans, we have been able to detect a high percentage of the same genetic material  present in some people walking the earth today, so some of them must have survived the collapse and gone on to interbreed with more successful species on the mainland.”

“The similarities between today’s Republican leaders and Stone Age hominids is quite alarming,” said Hikita. “If we don’t do something to reduce their influence I think the country could be in big trouble.”

In what is sure to be a controversial finding, Professor Hikita is publishing an article in next month’s Scientific American that details evidence of a link between Homo floresiensis and members of today’s Republican party.

“The similarities are striking,” said Hikita. “We see the same bull-headed intransigence, the same reactionary responses to societal change, and the same desperate clinging to the past in the modern day GOP that we saw in the ancient “hobbits.” The genetic traits of the “hobbits” were apparently so strong that they have been passed down through thousands of years and continue to pop up today. It’s amazing.”

Professor Hikita warned that if the GOP were to retain power for any length of time or for instance gain the White House once again, America could suffer the same fate as Flores.

“We hope that our research will lead to a cure for the self-destructive behavior we now see on the American right,” said Hikita. “Perhaps through some innovative gene splicing we can help these folks so they will be able to look to the future instead of the past. Our country may depend on it.”

 

 

Scientific American Takes An In Depth Look At The Tea Party

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – This month’s edition of Scientific American is somewhat of a departure for a magazine that normally steers well clear of politics. It boasts several well-researched articles examining the right wing in general and the Tea Party in particular.

“We wanted to highlight how a group could overcome the serious handicaps of its individual members to become a viable political force in our society,” said SA editor Michael Moyer. “The rise of the Tea Party, the Christian Right, and their propaganda arm, Fox News, illustrates how a species crippled by superstition, racial hatred, and lower than average IQ’s can rise to a position of prominence in the modern nation state.”

SA editors did an in depth study of just how dumb and reactionary the supporters of the Tea Party really are.

The issue, which is on news stands now, traces the growth of the Tea Party from a ragtag army of inarticulate individuals all the way to this year’s midterm elections, when an alarming number of the insecure cretins won national political office.

“We tried to get inside the minds of these people, as frightening as that prospect was,” said Moyer. “We really wanted to find out what made these people tick. We placed particular emphasis on finding the common threads that unified this group of backwoods bumpkins.”

“What we found was fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of minorities, fear of science, fear of gay people, fear of just about any fucking thing you could imagine. The overwhelming consensus was that this group of people yearns to return to the days before the Enlightenment, where their outdated ideas and archaic societal standards ruled with an iron fist.”

The SA team spent a great deal of time analyzing the movement’s leaders Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and a host of other kooks such as Steve King and Louie Gomhert.

Editor Michael Moyer said that “All one has to do is observe this movement’s kooky and incoherent leaders to realize that they should not be taken seriously.”

“One only has to look at the leadership of this movement to see how incoherent and insane their beliefs really are,” said Moyer. “If you go back and examine some of the speeches and statements made by Bachmann and Palin over the last decade, it reads like something out of H.P. Lovecraft. Nothing makes sense. For example, last weekend in Iowa, Palin was apparently possessed by one of her demons and began writhing around the podium and speaking in tongues. It was truly scary.”

Although the writers and editors at SA came to no definitive conclusions about the future of the right wing and the Tea Party, Moyer said that they will most likely be swept away by the tide of history.

“To paraphrase Huxley, extinguished theologians, and in this case reactionary political factions, lie about the cradle of progress as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules,” said Moyer.

Although many midterm Congressional races were won by Tea Party supported buffoons, the facts seem to support Moyer’s argument.

Gay marriage, Obamacare, and decriminalization of marijuana, three policies that the far right is rabidly against, are more popular than ever and gaining national acceptance.

“It gives us hope for a bright future in which the voices of these kooks are drowned out by the voices of reason and science,” concluded Moyers. “I am a fervent supporter of free speech and support these people’s right to be as ignorant as they want to be, but I fully believe that they will be remembered by history as the wingnuts they truly are.”

 

 

 

Astronauts Bachmann, Gohmert And King Tapped For 2016 Mission To Mars

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced today that the long-awaited choice of astronauts for the unprecedented manned mission to Mars has finally been made. Representative Michel Bachmann (R-MN) will command the mission, Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) will be Payload Specialist and Representative Steve King (R-IA) will be Flight Engineer for the 2 1/2 year round trip.

The crew of simpletons will be required to do little more than popping the hatch and planting an American flag on the surface of Mars before getting back in the spacecraft and playing checkers for 18 months while they wait for the return launch window.

The choice of astronauts for the mission has been delayed several times over the past six months and has been a source of consternation within NASA and other Federal agencies. Bolden placed blame for the delays on the stringent physical and psychological requirements needed to make the long and boring mission a success.

Bolden told reporters that the length of the mission presented a great many challenges to the crew, as well as to Mission Control in Houston.

“The spacecraft is so advanced that it can basically fly itself, so our main concern was just what type of crew we wanted to man this thing,” said Bolden.

Bachmann was thrilled to be named commander of the first manned mission to Mars

“We have several critical challenges that the astronauts will have to surmount during the Mars expedition: isolation and monotony, distance-related communication delays with the Earth, leadership issues, group interaction, and cultural misunderstandings and political differences within the crew,” said Bolden.

NASA engineers had to totally re-work the payload capabilities of the spacecraft when Bachmann insisted on bringing along a granite copy of the Ten Commandments so that “The people of Mars will be reminded to abide by God’s will.”

“Because of these dilemmas, we sought out a crew that is basically composed of people who are barely intelligent enough to drive automobiles here  on earth,” Bolden said.

“That way, all we have to do is say something like, ‘Push the bright red blinking button now, Michelle,’ Or, ‘Time to dump the waste now Louie,’ or ‘STEVE! Put your fucking helmet on before popping the hatch this time!’  in order to get these twits to Mars alive and in one piece.”

The crew cabin of the Mars spacecraft had to be redesigned in order to accommodate Representative Gohmert’s pet goat Snowball. For many years he has refused to go anywhere without her.

“Their almost total inability to reason or engage in critical thought will prevent them from getting bored and going insane on the long trip. After all, the three of them have spent years in Congress without doing anything constructive, so we think that they will hold up just fine playing checkers and talking amongst themselves about illegal immigrants, gay marriage, Benghazi, and Obamacare for almost 30 months straight.”

“We feel that the fact that none of these people ever come up with any ideas or attitudes that were not around during the Middle Ages, and their almost total homogeneity on important issues confronting the world today, will allow them to avoid arguments and petty disputes that could lead to disaster among a more intelligent flight crew,” said Bolden.

Unfortunately for the crew the mission means that they will all have to, temporarily at least, retire from politics.

“It’s a sacrifice that we feel is well worth it,” said Bachmann. “All three of us feel that we will be greeted as liberators and heroes by the oppressed people of Mars. After all, no human beings have been there since the Apollo program. It will be interesting to see what progress they have made since then.”

Perhaps the happiest man on earth when the choice of crew was announced was Speaker of the House John Boehner. As he was exiting Golden Tan and Massage in Georgetown today he told reporters “Thank God those morons won’t be around for the presidential election. We can’t afford to look like idiots again in 2016.”