CPAC Rejects Trickle-Down Theory of Sexuality

 

WASHINGTON – So far it hasn’t been such a good week for slimy pedophile cretin, Clorox victim, and vile swamp thing Milo Yiannopoulos.

On Monday, the organizers of the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their invitation for him to be their keynote speaker at their annual hatefest taking place at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. Simon & Schuster said it was canceling publication of “Dangerous” after standing by him through weeks of criticism of the deal. And Breitbart itself was reportedly reconsidering his role amid calls online for it to sever ties with him.

The polemical Breitbart editor and unapologetic defender of the alt-right, tested the limits of how far his provocations could go after the publication of a video in which he condones sexual relations with boys as young as 13 and laughs off the seriousness of pedophilia by Roman Catholic priests.

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that Mr. Yiannapoulos’ views regarding sex with minors were unacceptable, at least when they were voiced in public. Schlapp said that CPAC would seek a replacement speaker who was more in line with mainstream conservative values.

“We initially extended the invitation knowing that the free speech issue on college campuses is a battlefield where we need brave, conservative standard-bearers,” Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, said in a written statement. “Normally we are proud to have Nazis, fake Christians, and other deplorable motherfuckers speak to us at CPAC; it gets us horny and ready for a night on the town in some of D.C.’s best brothels.

“However, as cute as he is, Milo went a little too far this time. Having sex with underage boys and girls is fine with us as is other deviant behavior, as long as it’s kept secret. When you come out into the open about this stuff it can be problematic,” said the hypocritical asshole.

“I don’t want anyone to worry,” continued a profusely sweating Schlapp. “CPAC is proud to have had some of the most hypocritical ministers, sociopathic politicians, and other subhuman monsters of the right wing speak at our convention, and trust me, this year will be no exception.”

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that the ACU had reached out to Rocky Suhayda, leader of the American Nazi Party, and David Duke to see if either one of them could take Yiannopoulos’ place as keynote speaker.

As of noon today Yiannopoulos was unavailable for comment regarding his sudden fall from grace. Sources tell the Times-Picayune that he is on holiday with Ann Coulter torturing small animals in a wildlife preserve just across the Mexican border.

 

 

Douglass Remains Silent On Bowling Green Massacre

 

WASHINGTON – The White House released a statement today expressing its shock and sadness that up-and-coming civil rights leader Frederick Douglass has remained silent regarding the recent tragedy in Bowling Green, Kentucky in which a number of white Christians were slaughtered by refugees from the Middle East.

“Mr. Douglass’ continued silence can mean only one thing;” said the statement, “that he secretly applauds the actions of these bloodthirsty terrorists who have infiltrated our homeland.”

The perpetrators, an elderly Syrian woman and her seven-year-old granddaughter, had apparently hidden themselves within the tens of thousands of refugees currently flooding every city in the country.

“Somehow they just slipped through the cracks,” said a Homeland Security officer who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being executed by the Administration.

“Our usual method is to just back a ship up to a dock in some port in Yemen and let anyone who wants to jump on board. We make damn sure they aren’t terrorists by making them fill out a three-page questionnaire, and swearing it’s true while putting their hand on a Bible. I can’t imagine how those two managed outwit our vetting process. They must be real masterminds.”

Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet the Press today that given the seriousness of the situation the Administration will have to re-think its relationship with Mr. Douglass and other civil rights leaders.

“If Mr. Douglass and his fellow black leaders aren’t even going to acknowledge the tragic loss of life in Bowling Green, then if you ask me they have no place in American society.”

Conway then went outside the studio, mounted her unicorn, and rode back to the White House.

 

 

Jesus Distances Himself From United States

 

PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.

“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”

“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read?  I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.

“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”

The Son of God and Zombie Savior had to cut the presser short because he had soccer practice

“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”

After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.

The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.

Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.

“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.

 

Obama Vows To Destroy Country One Last Time Before Inauguration

 

WASHINGTON – At a press conference earlier today President Obama pledged to destroy the country one last time before turning over the reigns of power to Donald Trump, the first illiterate person to be elected President of the United States.

“I just want to make sure I leave this fucking place in the same shape I found it in,” said an emotional Obama.

The President did not specify what form this last orgy of destruction would take, but White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters later that it would be one of the President’s more creative efforts.

“He may alter the path of a large asteroid and have it impact at the geographical center of the lower 48, or he could cause huge tidal waves to hit both the east and west coasts simultaneously,” said a smiling Earnest. “Hell, he may even order our submarines to launch their Trident II missiles and wipe out every major city in America, you just never know with Barry.”

Experts from around the country say that this will mark the 47th time Obama has “completely destroyed America.”

Professor Hikita of the Banzai Institute told CNN that the variety of methods Obama has used in the past is mind-boggling, and there’s no way to predict how he’ll destroy the country this time.

“The bastard provided health insurance to poor people one time, then he orchestrated a deadly agreement with the Iranians that guaranteed we would all die of radiation poisoning another time,” said Hikita. “Then there was the time he rounded up all the Christians in Texas and sentenced them to live the rest of their lives in forced labor camps under WalMart Supercenters. He’s diabolical!”

The crescendo of doom is expected to begin sometime this evening and continue until the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow morning, leaving little time for many of us to live.

Sara Palin told Fox News that our only hope lies in the good and honorable man we’ve elected to be our next president.

“God has sent Donald Trump to save America, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” said Palin, as she injected 1/2 a gram of methamphetamine into a pulsating vein in her temple. “Trust in Jesus and everything will be just fine.”

 

God Fucking With Haiti Again

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – As part of an ongoing jihad on the people of Haiti, God has sent powerful Hurricane Matthew to drown as many innocent people as possible and set up favorable conditions for outbreaks of typhus, dysentery, and mosquito-borne illnesses such as malaria, West Nile virus, yellow fever, Venezuelan equine encephalitis, and of course Zika.

Jehovah surrogate Pat Robertson told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that the Almighty Creator of the Universe also hoped that there would be extensive damage to an already decimated infrastructure followed by a shortage of food and potable water which would precipitate sporadic outbreaks of violence leading to even more deaths.

“The Good Lord was just not satisfied with the 2010 earthquake,” said a drooling Robertson, who is thought to be about 112 years old. “Sure, he murdered around 175,000 men, women, and children, but as he said at the time, he was ‘just getting started.'”

Not satisfied with crushing to death over a hundred thousand innocent Haitian men, women, and children back in 2010, God has sent Hurricane Matthew to “really fuck up” the island nation.

Blitzer asked Robertson why God hated Haitians so much that he was willing to kill babies in their cribs and drain innocent people of their precious bodily fluids until they died horrible deaths while lying in their own filth.

“Well, Haitians are a bunch of voodoo-worshiping negroes,” responded Robertson, as his head lolled to the right. “God is not that fond of black folks to begin with, and when you throw in all that voodoo shit it really pisses him off.”

Robertson went on to explain that after Haiti was destroyed, the hurricane will proceed to Cuba, where it will kill a bunch of godless commies, and ultimately end up wreaking havoc in Vermont, because it’s the home of Bernie Sanders, who is a fucking socialist.

Robertson also said that Hurricane Matthew will be followed up by hurricanes Mark, Luke, and John which will meander all over the Caribbean wiping out a bunch of atheists, agnostics, and Presbyterians, because God always hated John Calvin and “that stupid predestination thing.”

According to Robertson after the hurricane season is over God plans on getting back to murdering more of those idol-worshiping Nepalese.

 

 

Graham Under Investigation For Stealing Gold Fillings From Deceased Parishioners

 

RALEIGH – (CT&P) – The North Carolina Bureau of Investigation has confirmed that a probe has been initiated into the activities of the Reverend Franklin Graham concerning accusations of theft from families of deceased members of his church.

Lieutenant R.J. Scrotum of the NCBI told reporters this morning that Graham has been accused of stealing several Rolex watches, two diamond brooches, one Congressional Medal of Honor, numerous expensive wedding rings, and most shocking of all, hundreds of gold fillings from the corpses of members of his flock.

“We have received credible information that leads us to believe that Mr. Graham on more than one occasion waited until people left the funerals he was officiating then broke open the coffins and robbed the corpses. We believe that this activity has been going on for years, and we ask any members of Graham’s church who have suspicions to please come forward and meet with us.”

When asked how the NCBI became aware of the alleged thefts, Officer Scrotum said that a family member became suspicious when he inadvertently picked up Graham’s coat at a get together after his aunt’s funeral and discovered garden shears and pliers in the pockets.

“I said wait just one fucking minute, what does this guy need with those?” said Cletis Toadskinner of Hemorrhagic Springs, South Carolina. “Then I remembered him hanging around and being the last to leave the graveside. So I had Aunt Elba dug up and sure enough, she was missing her ring finger and four of her teeth were gone. It was devastating.

“I remember thinking what a hypocritical asshole that dude was when I saw him on television, but I had no idea he was that creepy, I mean Jesus Christ!”

Graham was arrested this morning in Asheville but he was later released on a $1 million bond.

As Graham was leaving the courthouse today an aide said the charges against him were ridiculous and called the bond a “drop in the bucket compared to what we rake in each week from all those ignorant hicks.”

 

 

Evangelicals Ditch Jesus, Place Faith In Trump

 

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.

Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.

Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.

“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.

The statues in Dr. Ben Carson’s hallway reportedly wept blood after the poll was released.

“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.

The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.

“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”

When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”

“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”

The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.

“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.

“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”

Mississippi To Force All Children To Be Right-Handed

 

JACKSON – (CT&P) – Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a bill this morning that will force all left-handed kids to begin writing with their right hands. The legislation, called the “Jesus Hates Left-Handed Children Patriotic Religious Freedom Obama Is The Antichrist Act” was introduced as part of a series of new laws designed to guarantee Mississippi’s status as the most backwards-ass state in the Union for decades to come.

The new law also requires all left-handed adults to attend one of the many Christian re-education camps being built around the state, where sinister allies of Satan will be taught to write and worship with their right hands.

Adults who refuse to change their ways will have their left hands surgically removed in hospitals in adjacent states that possess the requisite medical expertise for such a procedure.

“It’s high time we closed this loophole that has allowed evil to dwell among us,” said Governor Bryant, during a press conference attended by journalists and other residents of Mississippi that could write.

Yes, you little servant of Satan. Jesus cries every time you write your fucking name.

“Recently we’ve made great strides towards maintaining our Third World status by denying rights to women, minorities, and the LGBT community, but we can’t afford to let our guard down. We’ve got to stay on our toes and continue to act as a sea anchor for the rest of the nation if we’re going to make the Baby Jesus happy.”

Other bills included in the package of legislation include new initiatives to condemn atheists to death by hanging, forcing liberals into labor camps being built by Hobby Lobby where they will manufacture evangelical knick-knacks, a ban on the use of electricity and indoor plumbing, and a special scholarship fund for students wishing to major in exorcism and the burning of witches.

Perhaps the most creative new law is one changing the Mississippi state motto to “The Land That Time Forgot.”

Response to the sweeping package of legislation has been mixed. The leaders of other morally and fiscally bankrupt states run by dumb ass Tea Bagging governors and legislatures have expressed their support for the new laws.

However, politicians in the rest of the United States, which pumps five fucking dollars of federal money into the Confederate black hole for every dollar that comes out, have expressed disgust.

Senator Chuck Schumer of New York summed up the attitude of the enlightened when he said “I’m all for that hell hole seceding along with Texas, Kansas and any other state whose residents want to live like a bunch of serfs. To hell with them. I step on those cock-a-roaches.”

 

 

 

 

Cruz Proposes Nationwide Ban On Sale Of Dildos

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Earlier today during a phone interview on CNBC’s “Squawk Box,” presidential candidate and sexually frustrated deviant Ted Cruz proposed legislation that would institute a nationwide ban on the sale of dildos, vibrators, and any other sex toys designed to entertain or satisfy women.

The legislation, dubbed the “Compensating for a Small Penis Patriotic Religious Freedom Act,” would make the sale of sexual aids illegal in the United States. Anyone attempting to purchase such articles would be faced with “stiff” fines and jail time.

“The Bible says that sex should be restricted to married couples who wish to produce offspring according to God’s plan,” said Cruz.

Cruz is not exactly considered an expert on sexual matters because of his ignorance of the female anatomy. Here he asks senate colleagues to help him differentiate between a woman’s anus and her clitoris.

“A dildo or vibrator inevitably becomes a third party in any relationship, and it’s no different from bigamy, which was outlawed when God changed his mind about all that ‘multiple wives stuff’ and wrote the New Testament.”

Co-host Joe Kernen asked Cruz if he had been smoking something before the interview and implied that he believed that he had clearly lost his fucking mind.

“I’ve long believed that a woman’s place is in the bed or in the kitchen, and because she is the ‘weaker vessel,’ she should always follow her husband’s instructions and do her best to please him, no matter what his perversions may be,” said Cruz.

“God made woman as a helpmate, not an equal, and if a man’s dick is too small to get the job done, then his wife just has to live with it.”

Kelly Evans, co-anchor of “Closing Bell” who happened to be present during the call, abruptly ended the interview by hanging up on Cruz saying that the candidate was a “Neanderthal religious kook who doesn’t stand a chance in hell of ever becoming president, and thank God for that.”

Heidi Cruz, long-suffering wife of the lunatic senator from Texas, issued a press release shortly after the interview that stated that she and Ted would be having a long talk this evening after his appearance in Rochester.

 

Hundreds Injured After Fun-Loving Aliens Punk Evangelicals In Alabama

 

BIRMINGHAM – (CT&P) – Dozens have been hospitalized and many more injured after a couple of alien observers pulled a prank on the members of Our Lady of the Poorly Educated Primitive Baptist Church located in Draconian, Alabama.

According to an article in Imaginary Friends magazine the two aliens, John Small Berries and John Yaya, Red Lectroids from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension, admitted to violating the Prime Directive by using a tractor beam to lift members of the congregation into the air and then allowing them to plummet back to earth. The simulated Rapture took place as churchgoers were gathering in the parking lot to participate in the weekly Wednesday night snake-handling ritual.

Small Berries and Yaya said that they could just not resist fucking with the members of the church any longer.

“We’ve been observing these idiots for years, and let me tell you, a dumber group of imbeciles would be hard to find in the known universe,” said Small Berries.

“I mean these folks actually believe they’re gonna be levitated to heaven at some point so as to avoid the wrath of some zombie savior when he comes back. It’s ridiculous. The closest I’ve seen to this kind of idiocy is the Lizard People of Zoltan. They think a giant alligator will visit the planet with amazing gifts and make their lives wonderful for ever and ever. It’s like some sort of reptilian cargo cult.”

John Yaya agreed, saying “When you’re dealing with lower life forms who think some incestuous farmer built an ark for the dinosaurs I say that all bets are off. I know we shouldn’t have interfered, and we really didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but we just got carried away. We only wanted to pound some sense into these misguided souls.”

All of the victims of the prank are expected to survive the ordeal, but many say they are scarred for life.

Helga Rodentwat of nearby Naive, Alabama told a local reporter that she really thought Jesus was lifting her up to the heavens to receive her reward for remaining a virgin all her life.

“Now I know it was all in vain,” she said. “I could’ve been out there raising hell and bumpin’ uglies all this time. Now I’m 83 and it’s gonna be hard to find a ‘date’ this late in the game. Shit!”

This makes the third time in as many years that Our Lady of the Poorly Educated has been in the news.

In 2014 the church was rocked by scandal when it was discovered the youth minister was running a child prostitution ring featuring a rare breed of miniature goats, and last fall three members of the church died of rattlesnake bites on the church grounds when no one was able to phone for an ambulance because everyone was speaking in tongues.

 

 

 

 

 

The church, located near Sand Mountain, has a congregation of over three hundred souls.