Chilean Earthquake And Subsequent Tsunami Linked To Obamacare, Gay Marriage

WASHINGTON-Embattled Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) appeared on Fox News’ morning show The Village Idiots today and told the hosts of the show that last night’s Chilean earthquake and resulting tsunami were caused by the last-minute stampede to sign up for health insurance on Healthcare.gov. McConnell informed the “confederacy of dunces” that “All of that damn electronic activity caused a seismic event at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean which in turn caused that gall-darn big ass wave.”

Senator Mitch McConnell appeared on Fox’s The Village Idiots this morning where he blamed Obamacare for every fucking thing that is wrong with America today

The 8.2 magnitude earthquake was centered off the coast of northern Chile and produced waves over two meters high. Six deaths have been attributed to the quake but property damage seems to have been minimal. Tsunami warnings were posted immediately after the quake and most low-lying areas were evacuated before the tsunami reached shore. Chile, which rests on the so-called “Ring of Fire” has long-expected and prepared for an even larger quake and systems are in place to warn the populace of tsunami threats when they appear imminent.

McConnell told the doltish dullards that “Obamacare will eventually cause the complete downfall and destruction of western civilization. It has already been linked to the disaster in Benghazi, the IRS scandal, and the disappearance of Flight 370. Most shockingly, the Young Earth Creationist’s Observatory in my home state has discovered that a comet in the Oort Cloud has changed course and is now heading directly toward earth,” said McConnell. “All this because of Obamacare!”

McConnell apologized to the dimwit hosts on the show but he had to leave early to get back on the campaign trail in Kentucky

However, not everyone agrees with McConnell. The Right Reverend Pat Robertson, normally a staunch ally of the senator from Kentucky, disagreed on the cause of the earthquake. On his 700 Club broadcast this morning Robertson put the cause of the earthquake squarely on the shoulders of gay marriage. “God is showing his wrath for some states in this country normalizing deviant sexual behavior and legalizing the abomination of gay marriage,” said Robertson. “He showed those heretical voodoo bastards in Haiti who was boss a few years back and now he’s taking action against gay marriage!” When his co-host asked Pat why Chile was being punished for America’s sins, Robertson replied “Well, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe he is slowing the influx of illegal aliens from Chile so they won’t be exposed to our disgraceful and ungodly behavior.”

As we have noted before in previous columns, Pat Robertson is clearly insane.

Historical revisionist and conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck had yet another take on the disaster. “This earthquake is clearly the work of a renegade cabal of Freemasons,” said Beck. “I have been warning you people for a long time that the Freemasons possess technology far in advance of any other group on earth. They clearly have been given earthquake technology from some alien race bent on the destruction of the U.S. Constitution and the American way of life. There’s just no other reasonable explanation for this event.”

Although all three theories are gaining ground with the American public via Fox News and right-wing radio, the most logical explanation for the seismic event seems to be subduction, the process of one tectonic plate moving underneath another. Imagine that.

 

 

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Six)

If you have always been insecure because of your small penis, or you have impure thoughts about other men, go hunting as much as possible. Murder as many innocent animals as you possibly can without giving a second thought to their suffering. This will make you feel like more of a stud as you guzzle your cheap Horse Urine brand beer at the neighborhood dive. Remember, animals are only on earth to be senselessly killed for sport by cretins like you, and watching them die painful deaths will help you sort out your mental problems.

Kudzu works miracles in the fight against erosion. If you own property, plant as much of it as you can. Remember that it can used to make tasty salads and can be weaved together to make emergency descent ladders for high rises. Don’t worry about it ever being susceptible to blight, because it is so noxious that even goats won’t give it a second look.

If your neighbor’s plants encroach so much as a centimeter across your property line, don’t waste time asking her to trim them. You have more important things to do than wasting your time talking to that bitch. Instead, dress in dark clothing head to toe and blacken your face before going outside after midnight. Jump the fence and apply a carefully mixed solution of diesel fuel, Roundup, and radioactive salt around the base of the offending plants or trees. No one needs know that you are to blame for the resulting moonscape and high incidence of rare cancerous tumors in the neighborhood. The inconsiderate bastards should have respected your property line in the first place.

Chain saws can be fun and useful tools. Always choose a large, powerful model for minor backyard plant maintenance, especially if you need to hold it above your head to prune hard to reach branches. Use an inexpensive old-fashioned wooden ladder for the really high branches. Remember, you need to keep a tidy yard in order to impress the neighbors.

Choosing a mate may be the most important decision you make in life. If you are a woman, be sure to choose a man who you can easily dominate and browbeat into conforming with your deranged obsession with cleanliness and order. If you are a man, choose a dim-witted woman who will stay in the damn kitchen or in the bedroom. Women should keep their mouths shut and give birth to your spawn.

Develop a debilitating and embarrassing tic which surfaces when loved ones or friends do not go along with your ridiculous plans or accede to your demands regarding pathological cleanliness and organization. Have panic attacks and blood pressure spikes when anyone moves a piece of furniture two inches in order to have a better view of the big game.

Always purchase the smallest plastic containers available in order to keep the harsh artificial beverage you are imbibing as fresh as possible. This is especially true for the “spring water” you drink that really comes from some retention pond in West Virginia. Remember, all that counts is your convenience. Who cares what the oceans will look like after you are dead? Enjoy life to its fullest while you are here.

People should respectful of all the countless hours you spend cleaning and re-cleaning your home. If some moronic child who is visiting your home for Thanksgiving dinner spills a drop of gravy on your Persian rug, you should act swiftly and decisively. Quietly get up from the table, go to your bedroom closet, and return packing a machine gun-grenade launcher combo. Stand in the doorway and quietly state, “Say hello to my little friend.” Then blast the fuck out of the entire room while screaming “I am Tony Montana!” over and over again. That’ll teach the little brat.

If you leave a party after a few drinks, your goal should be to spend as little time as possible on the road, because you constitute a danger to other drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists. Therefore you should drive like a bat out of hell straight home. This will reduce the total time you spend on the highway. Remember, don’t be selfish. Think of your community first.

If you are in a foreign country while on vacation, it is always best to blend in with the locals and follow their customs. You don’t want to be the ugly American and insult your gracious hosts. For example, if you are walking down the street and masked men start firing machine guns in the air, grab a rifle and join in! They will appreciate your enthusiasm. Later on when things quiet down, be sure to renounce your religion and accept Islam. Remember, “when in Rome do as the Romans do.” U.S. Government authorities will understand. They are very forgiving of such behavior.

Management tip of the week: If you are a small or medium size business owner you are the backbone of America, at least according to every idiot politician that has every drawn breath. America’s success depends on your success. Therefore, you should treat your employees as if they were serfs from the 14th century. It is not enough that they work hard to get the job done. Demand absolute fealty from every one of them. Before hiring anyone, even to do menial labor, run extensive background checks on their credit and criminal history. Have each new hire visit a psychiatrist in order to start building up a file on his or her psychological traits. Look for weaknesses that you may be able to exploit later in their careers. Do your best to try to control their thoughts and actions at home as well as at work. A good start is to demand that all of your workers subscribe to the same religious hocus pocus that you do. Also, remember that drug and alcohol abuse can be a problem with the overworked and underpaid peasant class in the United States. Therefore, you should hire a company to drug test each employee every fucking day just as the sun comes over the horizon. Your workers will enjoy the extra attention provided by someone staring at their genitals at dawn. For suspect employees this should also include blood and tissue samples. Remember, key personnel should be scrutinized  like Saudi Arabian students with expired visas applying for flight school. All management level employees should wear ankle monitors so you can keep track of their positions 24 hours a day. These important members of your staff should be made to join the same wacked-out church you attend and should also be supervised closely on election day to make certain they vote for same the wingnut freak that you support. Always keep in mind that you are taking all the risks by owning your own business. Therefore, there is no demand that you can make of your employees that is too ridiculous. All the extra attention will make them feel important and they will love you for it. Remember, you have been empowered by the Almighty to make this world a better place through capitalism, so don’t let America down.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Three)

Spend months devising a revolutionary squirrel-free design for your bird feeder

React like Brick Top would if anyone has the impertinence to suggest that you have faults just like everyone else on the planet

Buy a handy home blood pressure monitor and take it with you everywhere you go. Take your blood pressure every thirty minutes and worry like hell all the time that you are going to have a stroke. This will serve to raise your blood pressure even higher and make you more alert.

When giving cash gifts to loved ones or close friends be sure to monitor the way in which the cash is spent. React in a negative, childlike manner if it is spent on “unauthorized items.” Gifts should be used as a method of controlling and manipulating those around you.

When serving red meat always cook it until it resembles shoe leather or a lump of coal. Remember, microbes are everywhere and you don’t want to be sued for making someone sick. Besides, you know better than others how they should consume their food.

Always go to church every Sunday in order to keep up appearances, but don’t take the sermons too seriously. Stick with the blood-drenched Old Testament for useful hints on culture and society. Helping the downtrodden and accepting those who are different from you is for weak-minded twits.

Serial killers have given sociopathy a bad name. Compassion and empathy for our fellow human beings is for liberals and losers. Try to stay within the framework of the law, but be as ruthless in your daily life as Commodore Vanderbilt or Jay Gould

Always trust the advice of strangers over that of loved ones. Remember, strangers are completely neutral whereas relatives have malevolent ulterior motives.

Sex should strictly be for procreation and not pleasure. However, if you are pressured into having sex with your long-term mate, just after you are finished, leap up, take a shower, and put new linen on the bed. You never know what kind of germs your partner may be harboring even though you watch him like a hawk all the time. Better safe than sorry.

If you are forced to participate in the messy and unhygienic act of making love to your partner, for God’s sake stick to a tried-and-true church-approved position and get the unpleasant act over with as quickly as possible. Remember, for every minute you experience pleasure, that’s ten years in purgatory!

If you are unfortunate enough to reproduce in your lifetime set up a set of rules and regulations for your spawn similar in size and scope to the U.S. tax code. Any deviation from these guidelines should always be met with exaggerated disgust and harsh punishment. This will turn your heinous kids into prosperous, well-adjusted adults. It will also guarantee a nice quiet funeral for you without all that ridiculous crying and sobbing.

Always take yourself as seriously as a suicide bomber preparing to detonate in a crowd of schoolchildren. Remember, anyone who disagrees with your thoughts or actions is an insane heretic and should be treated as such.

Once you get to know them well enough, boss around new acquaintances as if their life depended on staying in your good graces. People love this and will appreciate your guidance in their meaningless lives.

If by some miracle you find someone who will tolerate your phobias and obsessions and you have kids, pick out a good role model to emulate as a parent. A good example would be Ruth Carson, Johnny’s mom, who never thought he was funny, did not understand his success, and never failed to mention it in numerous interviews.

Express your insecurity by reacting like an angry bull rhinoceros if others fail to adopt your daily schedule and working hours. For example, if someone sleeps an hour later than you do, try your best to make that person feel lazy and worthless. Remember, senseless and continuous childlike criticism is great motivator

Express your particular disorder by showing a complete ignorance of concepts like metaphor and hyperbole. Take everything everyone says literally and show a lack of understanding of satire and other forms of comedy.

Keep a sharp eye out for shiftless and lazy relatives who don’t want to join in on your obsessive and near-continuous cleaning and reorganizing. They’ll try anything to buck your tried and true system of twittering your life away with details. Research shows that most rattlesnake bites and chain-saw accidents are self-inflicted injuries used by lazy bastards just to try to take a day off work. Remember, you are the only person alive who is allowed to be sick.

If you spawn more than one offspring, pick out a favorite and stick with him or her. Remember, equal treatment only confuses children. Everyone in the family should be well aware of the pecking order. This makes for smooth interpersonal relations and well-adjusted teenagers.

Management tip of the week: Force incredulous Latin American yard workers to remove all life-giving organic matter from your yard once every two weeks. Replace it with harsh man-made chemical fertilizers that will eventually be carried away by rainwater into the aquifer from which you get your drinking water. Remember, 1950’s technology and ideas are always the best choice!

Tips for Bad Living are reprinted by permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication of Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Florida Lawmakers Decide To Execute All Uninsured Residents Using New “Put ‘Em In The Ground” Law

Florida governor and Aztec snake god Rick Scott

TALLAHASSEE-The moronathon that is the Florida legislature has passed a bill today that calls for the immediate execution of all of its citizens who are currently uninsured. Governor Rick Scott (R), a supporter of the bill, is set to sign the legislation on Friday.

Opponents of the bill are outraged and are calling for intervention by the Federal government.

One of the co-sponsors of the bill, Senator Frankie-Bob McTurd of Running Sore Springs spoke to a gathering of journalists late this afternoon. “We have a big problem down here with lazy shiftless poor people cluttering up our state. Do you know that there are 3.8 million people here that are too damn poor to afford health insurance? It’s a damn disgrace! The “Stand Your Ground” law has helped some by allowing us to shoot some of them negras and other minorities, but it just ain’t enough.”

Another sponsor, State Representative Billy Wayne Scrotum of Hemorrhoid Beach, agreed. “We’re doing our best to kill-off the downtrodden by fighting Obamacare tooth and nail. We refused to expand Medicaid, and then we intentionally refused to comply with Medicaid law by limiting emergency room visits. We’re sacrificing millions of federal bucks in order to try to wipe out these vermin, but the process is just too dern slow. So we decided to get this over with once and fer all. We all got together and came up with the “Put ‘Em In The Ground” law. I’m right proud to say I done writ part of it!”

The new legislation will authorize a roundup of every Florida resident who is currently uninsured, about 25% of the total population. The slothful and indolent scum will be placed in concentration camps throughout Cretonia where they will be “processed” as soon as time allows. In the meantime they’ll simply be starved or used to feed giant reptiles in nearby alligator farms.

“I think this is a solution that at least 75 percent of us can live with,” said Governor and Imperial Serpent Head Rick Scott. “I always pay my own damn bill when I go to see my herpetologist and I think everyone else should as well. The Sunshine State is a wonderful place to live and we want to everyone to be able to come visit and enjoy our beautiful beaches without having to worry about destitute individuals clogging up our hospitals or pain clinics.”

Governor Scott devoured a whole baby rabbit before closing the press conference. He will not need to feed again for several weeks.

When asked about the political ramifications of the move, Scott said, “I’m confident with the help of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News, we in the Republican party can continue to count on deluding the vast majority of Floridians into voting against their economic interests. The future is always bright in Florida!”

The press conference closed with a brief ceremony during which Governor Scott consumed a live baby rabbit. The politicians then slithered out of the room.