Area Man Transformed Into Human Pincushion

MURPHY, N.C. – Longtime Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson was turned into what is being described as a “human pincushion” early yesterday morning when the staff of Turtletown Primitive Baptist Medical Center penetrated his flesh with a huge ass needle approximately two dozen times in a futile attempt to start an IV flowing.

Setting up the IV was meant to be the first step in a nuclear stress test his doctor had ordered after Dickerson had complained of “weird shit” going on in his thoracic cavity.

Although a team of medical technicians, nurses, and even a few physicians attempted to start the IV for what seemed like a fortnight, they were unable to achieve success.

Dickerson told Action News reporter Billy Bob McSneed that he left the hospital feeling like “a fucking inverted porcupine.”

Action News at 11 reporter Billy Bob McSneed caught up with Dickerson at McCaysville Drug and Gun where he had stopped on his way home to purchase some bandages and ammunition for his .50 caliber sniper rifle.

“I just wanted to make sure there were no blockages that could break loose and kill my ass or worse yet cause a stroke and turn me into a fucking Trump supporter,” said Dickerson, who appeared pale from loss of blood. “I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.”

“I have no clue how he’s alive and walking around,” said Dickerson’s physician, Dr. Joe Mengele III. “The bastard appears to have no vascular system at all. We can detect a heartbeat alright, but what it’s pumping and where that material is going is a mystery to us. I plan on writing a grant proposal to the National Institutes of Health or maybe the Humane Society to get some funding to study this son of a bitch. The results could be fascinating.”

Although the medical team urged Dickerson to reschedule the test next week, Dickerson demurred saying, “I’d rather have a combination root canal and colonoscopy while viewing Dancing with the Stars. Fuck this shit.”

 

 

 

New Study Suggests Link Between Skin Cancer And Leaving Your Fat Ass Out In The Sun Too Long

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – (CT&P) – A new study out of Great Britain has revealed that the legacy of the 1960’s package holiday boom and the modern vogue for tanned complexions means retirees are now seven times more likely to get the most dangerous type of skin cancer than 40 years ago.

 

Older men are 10 times more likely to be diagnosed with malignant melanoma than their parents’ generation and women are five times more likely.

Dr. Sharp advised that one way human mastodons could reduce exposure time would be to seek a shady spot such as an airplane hangar or circus tent while devouring fast food during their noontime feeding sessions.

Cancer Research UK, which compiled the figures, said the huge increase was likely to be a consequence of people having greater access to sunny climes since the cost of a holiday abroad dropped significantly in the 1960s.

According to the most recent figures, 5700 over-65’s are diagnosed with melanoma in the UK every year, compared to only 600 in the 1970’s.

Although the study was carried out by researchers in the United Kingdom, similar rates of skin cancer are being seen in the United States and in some parts of continental Europe.

What is even more troubling is the fact that various types of skin cancers are being seen in younger and younger patients.

Dr. Julie Sharp, Cancer Research UK’s head of health information said: “Many cases of malignant melanoma are easily preventable by making sure you don’t burn and not spending an inordinate amount of time in tanning beds.”

“We also see the recent tendency of westerners to turn into giant fat asses at earlier and earlier ages as a factor in the rise of malignant melanoma. As people slowly morph into slow-moving leviathans, they become less active and tend to spend time on vacation sitting immobile on the beach like deceased marine mammals.”

Dr Sharp also advised that corpulent individuals should exercise in hospital parking lots or in some building equipped with a defibrillator; anywhere other than a public beach.

“The increased surface area of the epidermis caused by diets that could have been designed by Satan himself allows the sun’s rays to hit areas that did not even exist before,” said Sharp. “When one of these lumbering behemoths actually makes it onto a beach, they usually bring a rolling pantry full of beer, sandwiches, and potato chips with them so they can avoid the exhausting 100 meter trip back to the car  until after the sun goes down.”

“Many of these elephantine creatures bring enough food and drink along with them to feed an African village for over a month. Then, after staking out an area large enough for a helicopter to land, they plant themselves on the sand and don’t budge for hours on end. It’s truly alarming.”

Dr. Sharp had some advice for young people that may help them avoid the fate that has befallen so many of their parents and grandparents.

The exhaustive study also made it clear that some folks are beyond all hope and the best thing for them to do was to swim out to sea.

“Never use a tanning bed,” she said. “It’s like sticking your head in a fucking microwave. Nothing good can come of it. Also, when going out in the sun for an extended period of time, the liberal use of sun blocking products is a good idea. But most importantly, don’t gorge yourself on all manner of manufactured food items until you become colossal mound of adipose tissue with four limbs sticking out from it. It’s unhealthy and makes you a nice juicy target for the blistering rays of the sun.”

The Cancer UK study is due to be published in next month’s Lancet and has already received great praise from everyone except the cruise industry and others deeply invested in the nurturing of various types of skin cancers.

Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott remarked, “I’m no scientist, but I can tell you I don’t trust any study coming out of Great Britain. They have socialized medicine there, and besides, the bastards have never seen a ray of sunshine in their lives, so how the hell would they know?”

Governor Scott made the remarks while lying coiled on warm rock outside the capital building in Tallahassee.

 

Carnival Cruise Lines Announces Ebola Virus To Be Added To Water Supply Aboard Select Vessels

Ebola will be added to the drinking water supply of Ecstasy’s sister ship the Agony beginning in early 2015

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held in Miami last night, Carnival Cruise Lines announced that a particularly virulent strain of the Ebola virus will be added to the toxic cocktail of viruses, bacteria, medical waste, and spent nuclear fuel rods already present in the holding tanks of some of its ships.

The virus will be added first to Carnival’s Survivor Class of vessels that have become so popular with doomsday preppers, Alaskan homesteaders, survivalists, and other nuts who want to test their mettle against whatever nature has to throw at them.

Carnival’s Survivor Class vessels are often older and have few of the amenities available aboard their other ships

The line of Survivor Class vessels consist mostly of older, barely seaworthy ships that have little or no medical support staff. They normally travel five to seven days out of Miami to a deserted island populated only with Komodo dragons and huge vampire bats that dwell deep within the island’s extensive underground cave complex.

Passengers are treated to free food and drink on the way out while being exposed to a wide variety of deadly pathogens and an unusually high level of ionizing radiation emanating from spent nuclear fuel rods stored in the hull of each ship. The passengers are then dumped on the island with the only medical care provided by a witch doctor and two cannibal nurses from New Guinea. Those who survive for a week or longer are then picked up and transported back to the mainland where they are given various awards at a gala party on South Beach.

After a week on the desert island, whose whereabouts remain a mystery, most passengers are eager to be reunited with loved ones on the mainland. One passenger described the adventure as a trip to a “dystopian hellscape.” “It was like visiting Florida during an election,” he said.

Carnival’s spokesman Captain William Bligh told reporters that the company will monitor the results of the additional virus before adding it to Carnival’s remaining ships, which are already teeming with waterborne pathogens such as the Norwalk virus, E. coli, Clostridium botulinum, and Salmonella typhi, just to name a few.

“We want to build on the success we had last year when we introduced Enterobius vermicularis to our Disney Class vessels, which cater to families with kids,” said Captain Bligh. “As you know E. vermicularis causes peri-anal itching, hyperactivity, nervous irritability, and insomnia. It was a big hit with our customers who want to educate their kids about what life has in store for them.”

The cruise line is currently in negotiation with a group of renegade ex-Soviet scientists and is hopeful that weaponized anthrax, smallpox, and bubonic plague can be added to the toxic sludge now present in the water supply of their beautiful ships.

 

 

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

Centers For Disease Control ‘Misplaces’ Ebola Patient

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is reporting this morning that the Centers for Disease Control have apparently ‘misplaced’ Dr. Kent Brantly, who had been flown into Atlanta to receive treatment at Emory University Hospital. The AJC reported that Brantly, who has been slowly improving, was moved over the weekend to the CDC campus for some tests. He was to return to Emory Sunday night.

Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed told the AJC that he lives in fear of being told that some laboratory experiment over at the CDC has gone terribly wrong

“Something went badly wrong here,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the CDC. “As everyone in America knows, we take great pride in our safety and inventory protocols, and run this place strictly by the book. This is the first foul-up we’ve had since that anthrax powder got into the cafeteria mashed potatoes earlier this summer. I want to assure the public that Brantly is here somewhere, but we have a large campus and it might take a while to track him down.”

The unit where Brantly was being treated over at Emory is run by Dr. Bruce Ribner. “The patient was just supposed to be transported over there and back so those idiots over at the CDC could culture some live virus,” said Dr. Ribner. “How the hell they managed to lose him beats the hell out of me.”

Reed denied rumors that the city has hired Brad Pitt as a consultant paid to come up with contingency plans in case Atlanta is overrun by zombies from the CDC

Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed was also not amused with the situation.

“Just who the hell is running that asylum over there?” said Reed. ” How in God’s name do you lose some dude who can’t even get out of bed because he’s hemorrhaging all over the place? I mean Jesus! The son-of-bitch was in a giant Glad bag for Christ’s sake. Rick Perry has got it easy. All he has to worry about is tuberculosis. I live in fear every day that some federal official is going to call me and tell me that we have some plague of brain-eating zombies overrunning the city. Those people over there couldn’t find their ass if they used both hands! Shit!”

The unfortunate misplacement of Brantly comes at a bad time because a second ebola victim, Nancy Writebol, arrived at Dobbins Air Force base early this morning. She was scheduled to be transported to Emory later today.

However, upon hearing the news of Brantly’s disappearance, she immediately ripped a hole in the protective tent surrounding her gurney and demanded to be transported to Fulton Urgent Care, a doc-in-the-box on Buford Highway, instead.