Jesus Distances Himself From United States

 

PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.

“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”

“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read?  I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.

“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”

The Son of God and Zombie Savior had to cut the presser short because he had soccer practice

“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”

After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.

The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.

Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.

“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.