Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Executive Orders

 

WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.

“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.

“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.

“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.

Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.

“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.

Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.

When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.

The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”

Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.

 

Jesus Distances Himself From United States

 

PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.

“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”

“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read?  I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.

“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”

The Son of God and Zombie Savior had to cut the presser short because he had soccer practice

“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”

After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.

The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.

Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.

“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.

 

Obama Vows To Destroy Country One Last Time Before Inauguration

 

WASHINGTON – At a press conference earlier today President Obama pledged to destroy the country one last time before turning over the reigns of power to Donald Trump, the first illiterate person to be elected President of the United States.

“I just want to make sure I leave this fucking place in the same shape I found it in,” said an emotional Obama.

The President did not specify what form this last orgy of destruction would take, but White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters later that it would be one of the President’s more creative efforts.

“He may alter the path of a large asteroid and have it impact at the geographical center of the lower 48, or he could cause huge tidal waves to hit both the east and west coasts simultaneously,” said a smiling Earnest. “Hell, he may even order our submarines to launch their Trident II missiles and wipe out every major city in America, you just never know with Barry.”

Experts from around the country say that this will mark the 47th time Obama has “completely destroyed America.”

Professor Hikita of the Banzai Institute told CNN that the variety of methods Obama has used in the past is mind-boggling, and there’s no way to predict how he’ll destroy the country this time.

“The bastard provided health insurance to poor people one time, then he orchestrated a deadly agreement with the Iranians that guaranteed we would all die of radiation poisoning another time,” said Hikita. “Then there was the time he rounded up all the Christians in Texas and sentenced them to live the rest of their lives in forced labor camps under WalMart Supercenters. He’s diabolical!”

The crescendo of doom is expected to begin sometime this evening and continue until the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow morning, leaving little time for many of us to live.

Sara Palin told Fox News that our only hope lies in the good and honorable man we’ve elected to be our next president.

“God has sent Donald Trump to save America, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” said Palin, as she injected 1/2 a gram of methamphetamine into a pulsating vein in her temple. “Trust in Jesus and everything will be just fine.”

 

COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

The Mud Lake Proboscis

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m…

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Whoopsiedangleplop Highlights of Thur/Fri am 5-6th January 2017

Inchy Today

0230hrs: Woke with Little Inchy bleeding merrily away. Decided to add the bloodied clothing to the laundry bag and go down to the laundry room, and get the washing done straight away.

During which I managed to knock my head on the top left-hand corner of the dryer, cut my finger of the cracked metal on the filter cage, trap my finger between the door and the sink cupboard and bang my elbow on the sink drain corner.

Noticed one of the chairs had gone missing in the foyer.

You can see the fading on the carpet where it once stood.

It reappeared later in the day?

The only highlight of the day was I got to visit Olive before I went out. She was not very well, and was now waiting further surgery. I love that woman.

Caught the bus to the clinic. Where the investigating medical team, as they got…

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Weather Channel Anchor Tells Viewers In Southeast To Update Their Wills

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Early this afternoon Weather Channel anchor and crazed lunatic Jim Cantore advised viewers in the southeastern United States to be sure that their wills were updated before Winter Storm Helena hits this evening.

“I can’t stress this enough: many of you people are fucking doomed,” said a gleeful Cantore.

“This storm packs quite a punch and it could be days for we dig out. If you’re old or infirm your best bet is to make sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is updated. You wouldn’t want your kids to have to pay to have you buried or cremated when the authorities finally find your decaying body, now would you?” said the maniacal meteorologist.

In 2005 Cantore refused to leave his bathtub for a week after some minor flooding along the Chattahoochee River failed to kill thousands as he had predicted.

This isn’t the first time Cantore has lost his small mind during an extreme weather event. In 2010 the foreboding forecaster was treated for scrotal frostbite after coming unhinged and stripping off all his clothing during a thundersnow event.

Cantore closed his segment by advising viewers that were already feeling a little post-holiday depression to go ahead an commit suicide now in order to avoid the pain involved in freezing to death or skidding under a tanker truck, causing it to explode and slowly burning alive.