Esctatic Weather Channel Breaks Out Orgasmitron In Honor Of Hurricane Matthew

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel announced that because of the size and intensity of Hurricane Matthew management has deemed it necessary to pull its patented orgasmitron out of storage in the basement of their headquarters on Peachtree Street. “We just felt like it was the prudent thing to do,” said Weather Channel President David Clark.

“The last time I saw the team this horny was during Hurricane Katrina in 2005,” he said. “Katrina hit in August, and by May of 2006 the hospitals in metro Atlanta were literally overrun with newborns.

Clark asked residents of Atlanta to do their part to help by contributing any sexy outfits or bondage equipment they currently aren’t using.

“It was one helluva party. By the time all the bodies were counted, we went through over three 55 gallon drums of cinnamon flavored Astroglide, twelve 32 oz containers of Studmaster Male Prolong Cayenne Pepper Sauce, an entire case of Viagra, and God knows how much alcohol, blow, and amphetamines.

“We hope the orgasmitron will help satisfy some of our female staff during the storm because frankly some of us are getting up there in age and we just don’t think we can keep up with a storm of this size.

“If anyone would like to help come by our offices. We have drop-off bins set out on the sidewalk for any lubricant, sex toys, or bondage costumes and equipment you may want to contribute.

“Don’t forget that we’re here to protect you, the public. The life you save may be your own!”

Sunshine State Shocker: Governor Rick Scott Puts Human Life Ahead Of Cash

 

TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling the biggest about-face in political history, Florida Governor Rick Scott has suspended fees on all toll roads in the path of Hurricane Matthew.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an incredulous Susan McManus of the University of South Florida. “Throughout his private and public life Governor Scott has been a money-grubbing bastard the likes of which the world has never seen. No way I’m believing Scott is putting human life ahead of cold hard cash.”

“This is the same man who oversaw the greatest Medicare ripoff in history,” said McManus. “I mean he went to every extreme to screw taxpayers and line his own pockets when he was running Columbia/HCA. He was known informally as “the king of fraud” within the healthcare industry.

“It was even rumored that he had people disemboweled on some kind of weird altar when they refused to go along with his schemes. I just find it hard to believe that the bastard is not trying to cash in on this hurricane. Someone needs to check out this toll booth scheme. I guarantee there’s something in it for Little Ricky.”

At a noon press conference an official from the Florida Division of Emergency Management clarified the toll road situation by saying that only white people or registered Republicans would be exempt from toll fees. All others would have to show a special identification card to use the roads.

The official said that the cards would be available free of charge at all Florida DMV offices provided the applicant presented a birth certificate and 14 other forms of identification.

 

FEMA Director Warns Florida Residents Hurricane Matthew Even More Dangerous Than Governor Scott

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of FEMA Craig Fugate held a press conference this morning and announced that Hurricane Matthew posed a grave threat to life and limb along the east coast of Florida. He warned that Matthew had the potential to be even more destructive than Florida Governor Rick Scott, one of the most catastrophic leaders the state has ever seen.

Governor Scott, a descendant of the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl, regularly sacrifices immigrants on an altar in the basement of the governor’s mansion.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but Matthew could cause even more heartache and loss than Governor Scott’s disastrous six-year reign of terror,” warned Fugate. “We just can’t afford to underestimate the power of this storm. If we get a direct hit it could kill more people than Scott’s refusal to expand Medicaid.”

Fugate also warned that the destruction of property could be even worse than that caused by Scott’s mule-headed refusal to believe in climate change, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“This storm could do more damage to the great State of Florida than Scott’s redistricting amendments and his attempts to deny black folks the vote combined,” said an emotional Fugate, who hails from the Gunshine State.

“Everyone should take this storm seriously and evacuate to safer, more stable areas such as Georgia or Somalia. Haven’t we suffered enough in recent years?”

Governor Scott could not immediately be reached for comment on Fugate’s remarks as he was busy conducting a human sacrifice in an attempt to appease the Aztec goddess of storms, Chalchiuhtlicue.

God Fucking With Haiti Again

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – As part of an ongoing jihad on the people of Haiti, God has sent powerful Hurricane Matthew to drown as many innocent people as possible and set up favorable conditions for outbreaks of typhus, dysentery, and mosquito-borne illnesses such as malaria, West Nile virus, yellow fever, Venezuelan equine encephalitis, and of course Zika.

Jehovah surrogate Pat Robertson told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that the Almighty Creator of the Universe also hoped that there would be extensive damage to an already decimated infrastructure followed by a shortage of food and potable water which would precipitate sporadic outbreaks of violence leading to even more deaths.

“The Good Lord was just not satisfied with the 2010 earthquake,” said a drooling Robertson, who is thought to be about 112 years old. “Sure, he murdered around 175,000 men, women, and children, but as he said at the time, he was ‘just getting started.'”

Not satisfied with crushing to death over a hundred thousand innocent Haitian men, women, and children back in 2010, God has sent Hurricane Matthew to “really fuck up” the island nation.

Blitzer asked Robertson why God hated Haitians so much that he was willing to kill babies in their cribs and drain innocent people of their precious bodily fluids until they died horrible deaths while lying in their own filth.

“Well, Haitians are a bunch of voodoo-worshiping negroes,” responded Robertson, as his head lolled to the right. “God is not that fond of black folks to begin with, and when you throw in all that voodoo shit it really pisses him off.”

Robertson went on to explain that after Haiti was destroyed, the hurricane will proceed to Cuba, where it will kill a bunch of godless commies, and ultimately end up wreaking havoc in Vermont, because it’s the home of Bernie Sanders, who is a fucking socialist.

Robertson also said that Hurricane Matthew will be followed up by hurricanes Mark, Luke, and John which will meander all over the Caribbean wiping out a bunch of atheists, agnostics, and Presbyterians, because God always hated John Calvin and “that stupid predestination thing.”

According to Robertson after the hurricane season is over God plans on getting back to murdering more of those idol-worshiping Nepalese.

 

 

Subhuman Monster Declares Trump An ‘Absolute Genius’

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Yesterday hideous throwback and miscreant Rudy Giuliani called Donald Trump an ‘absolute genius’ for losing 916 million dollars in a boom market and then writing it off so he could avoid paying taxes for over a decade.

Giuliani, an almost universally despised human lamprey who has feasted on the blood of 9/11 victims for fifteen years, removed Trump’s penis from his fang-filled mouth long enough to defend him over and over again on a variety of Sunday shows, proving yet again that he will do anything for fame and fortune.

“The man’s a genius,” said the Trump Campaign’s lead adviser on bigotry and racism on CNN’s “State of the Union.” “He knows how to operate the tax code for the people who he’s serving, even if all those people happen to be Donald Trump,” as he wiped blood from his chin.

In this case, Mr. Giuliani added, Mr. Trump had simply acted as any bloodthirsty capitalist leech would in order to save money for his enterprises. Mr. Trump’s investors, he added, could have brought legal action or even sent former KGB assassins against Mr. Trump had he not taken advantage of the tax law’s provisions to avoid taxation.

But in an ABC News interview, Mr. Giuliani, sounding increasingly frayed, offered a remark that focused explicitly on Mrs. Clinton’s gender.

“Don’t you think a giant orange douche of a man who has this kind of economic genius is a lot better for the United States than some bitch who can’t even make it to her vehicle?” he asked.

Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey, another ass licking adviser to Mr. Trump, argued that rather than demonstrating any kind of malfeasance, the tax records published by The Times showed Mr. Trump to be singularly qualified to overhaul the federal tax code so that the rich could steal even more cash from hardworking Americans.

Mr. Christie, who has been assigned his own zip code by the U.S. Postal Service because of his enormous fat ass said the documents supporting the report illustrated Mr. Trump’s great success in crushing the little guy while raking in as much money as possible for himself and wealthy investors.

“This is a guy who, when lots of businesses went out of business in the early 1990s, fought and clawed back to build another fortune, to create tens of thousands of more jobs, so he could fuck those people as well, and I absolutely adore him for it,” Mr. Christie said on “Fox News Sunday.”

“This is actually a very, very good story for Donald Trump,” he added. “We can spin it in very creative ways so it looks like we actually care about ‘Joe Six Pack.’ After all, most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so they’re easily fooled.”