Greensboro, N.C. – (CT&P) – During what pundits described as his most unhinged speech to date, Donald Trump told supporters today to prepare for the arrival of a comet which would “Make the Galaxy Great Again.”
Trump surrogate Marshall Applewhite Jr told CNN that in the coming weeks instructions will be provided to Trump supporters about how they can catch a ride to a racially pure fatherland.
Trump said the comet was discovered by amateur astronomer Marvin Schicklegruber of Forlorn Hope, Mississippi, who named it Trump-Pence in honor of his heroes on the Republican ticket.
“This is the biggest, best, most beautiful comet that ever came out of the Oort Cloud,” said Trump.
Mr Trump explained that the comet will appear in the heavens the week before the election, portending his victory over ‘Crooked Hillary’ and a secretive international cabal of bankers, Jews, women, educated people, immigrants, space aliens, establishment Republicans, dermatologists, and Paul Ryan who have all banded together to say very very horrible things about him and imply that he was not perfect.
Mr. Trump told excited supporters that the comet would usher in a new era in the solar system and eventually the entire Milky Way galaxy.
“Comet Trump-Pence is going to make the universe great again!” said Mr. Trump to a large crowd of poorly educated rednecks.
Applewhite told Wolf Blitzer that Trump fans could go to the campaign website and purchase special Trump sneakers, cups, and grape flavored Kool-Aid for use on November 9th when it will be time to join cosmic Aryans on the Mothership.
“In the coming weeks we’ll have instructions for all you loyal supporters regarding the comet,” said Trump, “but for now we’d like you all to buy alien abduction insurance to be on the safe side. On the way out of the auditorium please stop at the tables marked ‘Trump Risk Management’ and sign up. We have plans to fit every income.”
Appearing later on CNN senior adviser to the Trump Campaign Marshall Applewhite Jr told viewers more about the comet that Trump claims will bring change.
“Right now you can’t see the comet because it’s hiding behind Pluto,” said a visibly agitated Applewhite. “But when it gets here we’re gonna get on board the Mothership that’s traveling in its tail. The Mothership will take us to a new planet where there are no minorities and only subservient women. There we’ll have plenty of lebensraum and we’ll sire a racially pure civilization that will make the galaxy great again!”
Despite multiple attempts, the existence of Trump-Pence has not been confirmed by any independent observatories anywhere in the world. However, since Republicans traditionally don’t give a flying fuck about science, that fact is unlikely to have any effect on Trump supporters.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 