Dear ‘sane’ members of the republican party,… yes… both of you…

Pouring My Art Out

Hey, we feel your pain, believe me. We realize that your party has been hijacked by idiots, mouth breathers, mutant pig-boys, the mentally ill and the terminally-short-on-morals racist riffraff that started gravitating towards you when Sarah Palin made her entrance… and the Tea Party started acting like their party was your party.

I mean, it must have felt like waking up in a lifeboat full of zombie pirates.

And your ‘leadership’ sure hasn’t helped you much. They sold out to Trump not too long after calling him some pretty horrendous names… which were all true, by the way… because, hey, expediency and holding onto power ‘trumps’ actually caring about this country for people like them.

But now is the time to stand up and make a difference. You know, deep in your heart, despite all the years of FOX ‘news’ brainwashing, that Hillary isn’t going to ruin this country. And…

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A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FOR THE POORLY EDUCATED

‘Making Germany Great Again’ didn’t turn out so well in the end

ISIS Unleashes Infamous Dumpster Bomber On U.S.

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A massive manhunt began on Monday morning as the FBI announced the identity of a suspect wanted for questioning in connection with weekend explosions in New York and New Jersey.

The identification of 28-year-old Ahmad Khan Rahami, a U.S. citizen born in Afghanistan, sparked a frenzied search around the region, as officials suggested that as many as four separate incidents could be linked, and may have been connected to an international network.

Mr. Rahami, known in his native Afghanistan as the “Corpulent Sheik,” is 5’6″ inches tall and weighs over 200 lbs. Rahami is well-known to intelligence sources in Kabul where he has destroyed or badly damaged over 300 dumpsters using explosive devices made from various cooking utensils.

At 5’6” and 200 lbs, Rahami is known in his native Afganistan as the “Corpulent Sheik.” His signature weapon is the common pressure cooker which he uses to cook all his meals. After each attack the nauseating stench of rancid goat flesh permeates the blast zone.

“Rahami should be considered armed and dangerous,” said a CIA operative on condition of anonymity. “The public should at all costs avoid loitering or passing out in dark, filthy alleys behind restaurants and bars.

“And most importantly, if anyone spots a chubby Afghan using a stepladder to wrestle a large unwieldy box or bag into a dumpster under the cover of darkness, they shouldn’t try to help him unless he’s a friend or acquaintance.

“This man is a savage and completely unpredictable,” continued the operative,”thanks to his patented ‘Pashtun Pressure Cookers’ he single-handedly ran Waste Management out of Kabul.”

GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump was quick to condemn the bombings saying, “After that dumpster went up I saw thousands of Arabs cheering outside Clinton Campaign Headquarters over in Brooklyn. Those people just don’t have our values. They’re dirty and don’t appreciate a good trash receptacle.

“After I’m elected I promise no one will dare attack our big, beautiful dumpsters.”

Trumpkins Furious Over Birther Reversal

 

DEER TICK, TENNESSEE – (CT&P) – “I don’t know who done forced him into saying that shit but somebody’s damn well gonna pay,” said Billy Bob McSneed during an interview with Jefferson Davis Jones, a reporter with Action 5 News out of Chattanooga.

McSneed is but one voice in a chorus of seething supporters furious over Trump’s reversal on the birther issue. He said in the interview that everyone he knows who supports the orange racist was outraged and they just didn’t believe Trump would say anything like that unless he was forced.

When asked what he and his buddies intended to do about the situation McSneed replied, “I ain’t sure yet. But tonight at the meeting I’m sure we’ll get our instructions.” McSneed was apparently referring to a mysterious weekly rally held in a remote wooded area near some abandoned strip mines outside Deer Tick.

Jones concluded the interview by asking McSneed if the shocking reversal would change his vote.

“Oh hell no,” he said, “If ole Trump ain’t elected we’re gonna raise unholy hell. The only way that bitch can win is if she cheats, and we ain’t gonna stand for that. They’ll be hell to pay I tell ya!”

 

 

 

 

Trump Delegate Still Stuck In Cleveland

 

CLEVELAND- (CT&P) – Herbert Schicklegruber, Trump delegate from Broward County, Florida, is still stranded in Cleveland weeks after the conclusion of the hatefest known as the GOP convention. Schicklegruber, a political activist from the outskirts of Tampa, was arrested after a party he threw in his hotel room on the opening night of the election.

It seems Schicklegruber and three prostitutes of various sexes went on an all night drug fueled sexual rampage, destroying his room in the process. The police were called after foul-smelling brown water was discovered dripping from the ceiling in the room immediately below.

Schicklegruber told the cops that things got a little out of hand after he got excited during Rudy Guiliani’s speech.

“I dig Rudy,” said Schicklegruber, “and when he said Donald Trump will do to America what he did to New York, well, to be perfectly honest I got a hard-on.”

Things apparently went downhill from there because after the speakers were finished the delegate went into a back alley and procured around $400.00 worth of methamphetamine and the aforementioned hookers.

Schicklegruber told police that he regretted his actions because he was only able to enjoy one night of the convention and he was really looking forward seeing General Flynn foam at the mouth.

Because of his financial situation and extensive record in Broward County, Schicklegruber has so far been unable to post bail and return home. His girlfriend of three weeks, Lou Anne Smegma, has made repeated entreaties to her neighbors in the Kooky Moon Trailer Park where the couple currently live.

“I’ve raised enough to cover my alcohol and cigarette expenses and I’ve put back over $25.00 bucks for Herbert,” said Smegma. “A friend of mine is gonna start a GoFundMe page next week so I hope we can get Herbert out before the election.

“He’d be heartbroken if he couldn’t vote.”

 

Basket Of Deplorables Object To Being Called Deplorable

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Representatives from Donald Trump’s infamous “Basket of Deplorables” are expressing their shock and sadness at Hillary Clinton calling them deplorable despite not knowing what the fuck the word even means.

“I’m not quite sure what she was talkin’ about, but I know it’s somethin’ bad,” said Milford Snodgrass of Turdwallop, South Carolina during an interview with Eleven Dead or Alive News.

Snodgrass, a despicable racist with a swastika tattoo on his forehead, is a meth cook and part-time employee of Tractor Supply in Columbia.

“I’m always gettin’ criticized for sayin’ nigger and camel jockey instead of all that politically correct bullshit. As far as I’m concerned they can shove that stuff up their ass. Hell, I’ll do it myself once Trump makes America great again!”

Suzie “Hep C” Muleshaker from Toxic Springs, Florida told CNN that she didn’t know what “deplorable” meant until a friend from a neighboring trailer told her.

“That Hillary bitch is the deplorable one,” she said. “She belongs in jail for all that computer shit and killing all those folks in Europe or wherever it was.

“I think it’s high time we white people stood up for ourselves. We’re being run over by all these lazy violent black folks and the Messicans poring across the border bringing in all that Ebola.

“When Trump gets in office I’m hoping I can get a job down at the wall manning a machine gun or something like that. It’s damn hard makin’ a livin’ around here with all these folks stealin’ our jobs.”

According to Merriam-Webster, there has been huge interest in the word “deplorable” since Clinton made the comment. The online dictionary reports that searches of the word “deplorable” increased by nearly 50,000% over the weekend.

Although he offered no specific information on who was doing the searching, a representative from the company told Rachel Maddow of MSNBC that he was relatively sure they weren’t from the “better educated” demographic.

 

Johnson Breaks Pledge, Gets High As A Kite Before Interview

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Former New Mexico governor, Libertarian Party presidential nominee, and dedicated stoner Gary Johnson broke his pledge today not to smoke pot before the election in November.

Johnson appeared to be totally baked on Morning Joe this morning when he was interviewed by Mike Barnacle, a frequent guest on the show.

Barnacle was quizzing Johnson on the situation in the Middle East when he asked what the candidate would do about Aleppo.

“About who?” asked Johnson from behind a pair of dark sunglasses.

“Aleppo,” replied Barnacle.

“What’s Aleppo dude?”

“You’re kidding.”

“No.” said Johnson. “What the fuck are you talking about Mike?”

As Barnacle was shaking his head in disbelief, Johnson stared off in the distance and appeared to be deep in thought. Then a light bulb seemed to go on in his head, and he broke out in a huge smile.

“Ohhhh, I’m with you now Mike. Sorry, I’m a little buzzed. Yeah, I have an Aleppo. I used it this morning to fire up my bong.”

When Barnacle explained that he was talking about a city in Syria and not a lighter, Johnson turned serious and told him that although he had no idea what was going on in Aleppo he thought Syria was “one hot mess.”

“I don’t see why those folks can’t just sit down, chill out, and love one another,” said Johnson as he furiously scratched the top of his head.

Barnacle ended the interview after Johnson asked for some potato chips and dip for the third time in as many minutes.

Breaking his pledge could be a serious blow to Mr. Johnson’s campaign, just as he is making a final push to improve his standing in the polls. His support needs to reach 15 percent in a series of major national polls to be included in the presidential debates.

On Twitter the question “What is Aleppo?” is trending, with many critics arguing that Mr. Johnson has disqualified himself from the presidency. However, the RNC has already approached Johnson about running for governor in Colorado.