God ‘Sick And Tired’ Of Protecting Kid From Incompetent Mom

 

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – At press conference held early this morning just outside Heaven, God told reporters that he was “fed up” with protecting little Johnny Gregg from his moronic mother.

“I’m sick and fucking tired of having to follow this chick around making sure she doesn’t accidentally kill her little brat,” said a pissed-off Jehovah.

“Last week I caught her letting the hellion play on the rooftop of her eight story apartment complex. I had to cushion his fall or he would have ended up as a useless mass of protoplasm on the sidewalk. The week before that she accidentally threw him down the garbage chute along with nine empty boxes of bonbons and a stack of old National Enquirers.

“And what did she do this week?

“She takes the kid to the zoo and leaves him unsupervised while she goes off to buy some popcorn and cotton candy to shovel into her gullet, and while she’s washing it all down with a Big Gulp he falls into the fucking gorilla enclosure. This bitch has already cost the life of one endangered species. There’s no telling what she’ll do next. She’s a walking disaster area. This idiot and her spawn are taking up way too of much of my time.

“I’m telling you I’ve had it! From now on the rug rodent is on his own. It’s the law of the jungle for Little Johnny. I’ve got a universe to run.”

Ryan Still Hesitant To Endorse Giant Orange Turd For President

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – House Speaker Paul D. Ryan said Wednesday he will not be rushed into an endorsement of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, tamping down speculation that he was moving toward a declaration of support.

“Look, I don’t have a timeline in my mind, and I have not made a decision,” Ryan (R-Wis.) told reporters summoned to his Capitol office suite. “Nothing has changed from that perspective, and we’re still having productive conversations as part of our agenda project.

“You have to remember that this is the first time in the history of the United States that any party has nominated a turd for president, much less an orange one.

“The Republican Party is brimming with scat of various shapes and sizes. Take the Freedom Caucus for example, it’s loaded with feces, and let’s not forget the elder coprolites who have retired from politics like Newt Gingrich, so we in the GOP know a thing or two about excrement. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around supporting a giant bipedal stool sample for president, that’s all.”

Ryan said that he was familiar with GOP turds that had run for president in the past such as Newt Gingrich, but this marked the first time that one had risen to the surface to become the nominee.

He added, “I think it’s important that we discuss the principles we all share in common and the policies that come from them and get a good understanding on those. And that’s the kind of conversations we’re having, as well as trying to teach the dumb son of bitch some basic civics.”

What has made Ryan’s hesitation so profound is the gravity of the issues on which he does not believe he and Trump are simpatico — issues like the constitutional limits on executive powers, which is a focus of the agenda project. “We want to make darn sure that that huge pile of orange poop understands, appreciates, respects and supports the Constitution and the kinds of principles that come with it, and those are some of the conversations we have been having,” he said.

Ryan was pressed on whether the House was preparing plans for the mass deportation of illegal immigrants — a key plank of Trump’s platform. Ryan, who opposes mass deportation and supports a path to legal status for the undocumented, noted that immigration is not part of the agenda project, but like any good Republican he wished there were no minorities in the United States at all, so he believes common ground can be reached.

Issues like trade and immigration that were cleaving the presidential field months ago were deliberately left out of the agenda project, in favor of issues where GOP unity is easier to find, like denying poor people health care, spending as much as possible on the military-industrial complex, and abolishing all regulations on anything other than abortion.

Ryan offered no definitive date as to when he would make a decision.

High School Commencement Speakers Tell Graduates They Actually Matter

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A New York Times/SurveyMonkey Poll taken over the weekend has found that over 90% of commencement speakers at high school graduation ceremonies around the country this year told seniors that they actually matter and will make a difference in society.

In the survey, over 1000 commencement speakers were asked a variety of questions regarding the subject matter and overall tone of the speeches they gave.

“Frankly, we were shocked by what we found,” said Professor John Two Horns of SurveyMonkey.

“Almost every speaker we surveyed told graduating seniors that they were ‘the future of America,’ would ‘make a huge difference,’ and were ‘really important.’ We couldn’t find a single speaker that told these kids that their lives really didn’t matter one iota in the overall scheme of things. I mean, someday the sun will burn out and all traces of humanity will be gone. Why doesn’t someone tell them that? ”

“It’s as if these commencement speakers entered some alternate universe for an hour where facts and figures don’t matter,” said John Bigboote of the New York Times. “We don’t know what to make of it, other than they’re saying what the little cretins want to hear. I mean, it’s not as if they need their self-esteem pumped up any more; they’re already narcissistic little monsters anyway.”

Dr. John Mud Head of SurveyMonkey who managed the joint survey agreed.

“My kid just graduated a few years ago and it seemed like we were going to some fucking awards ceremony every other week and watching a soccer game every ten minutes,” said Dr. Mud Head. “It was pure hell. These kids have no idea what they’re in for, I can tell you that.”

Dr. Mud Head said that SurveyMonkey planned on conducting a follow-up survey of graduates ten years from now once they’ve found out that they’re not so fucking precious.

 

 

 

 

The Hilarious Story of the Palmarian Church

My Mazamet

Origins:

“In March 1968, four Spanish schoolgirls (only known as Ana, Josefa, Rafaela and Ana María) stated they saw an apparition of the Virgin Mary by a little tree on a piece of farmland called La Alcaparrosa near Palmar de Troya. Many people came to witness the supposed apparitions, and a number of miracles similar to those alleged to have happened at Fátima, Garabandal and Međugorje were said to have occurred. The seers had many supporters, including priests. Several other people reported visions at the site, including Clemente Domínguez y Gómez, an insurance broker from Seville. He gradually became the “principal seer”

then

“In 1975, Domínguez formed a new religious order, the Order of Carmelites of the Holy Face, which claimed to be “faithful to the holy Pope Paul VI”. It claimed that Paul VI was detained in the Vatican by evil conspiring cardinals. The order was initially run by…

View original post 79 more words

Support For Trump Surges With Abused Women

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Just one day after a “hit piece” in the New York Times about how Donald Trump treats women was published, a new poll suggests that his support among abused women has surged to new heights.

The Quinnipiac/SurveyMonkey poll taken of 1000 current and former beauty queens, victims of domestic abuse, and sex slaves across the United States this morning found that an average of 80% of the abused/objectified woman demographic found Trump attractive. 70% said they would marry Trump immediately if he became available, and 65% said they would have sex with him no questions asked.

Petra Warmtwatavich dated Mr. Trump for over a week during the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow in 2013. Warmtwatavich was a hero of the 2008 Russo-Georgian War where she knocked out three Georgian tanks using sticky bombs made from plastic explosive stuffed into silk stockings and coated with Astroglide.

“The article in the Times seems to have really shored up his support among women who are used to being viewed as a piece of meat to be used and discarded,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of SurveyMonkey.

“Women who have had their personalities beaten down to nothing and their lives shattered at the hands of men seem to really dig The Donald.”

Rowanne Brewer Lane, a former model who was featured in the article, told Fox News this morning that the Times spun the information and were out to get a “good man.”

“After the first inspection, in which Mr. Trump carefully examined me from head to toe and probed critical areas for firmness, we got along great. He was a perfect gentleman and was even nice enough to ask if I was on my period before our first date. You don’t run into that kind of caring, sensitive man very often.”

 

Petra Warmtwatavich, Miss Siberia 2012, agreed with Lane.

“Mr. Trump very nice,” said Warmtwatavich. “Mr. Trump have many rubles. I marry Mr. Trump but Petra need more than small American penis can give.”

 

There have been no polls taken yet of the general public or of the all-important married women demographic after the Times piece was published, but pundits believe it will do nothing to help Trump’s huge negatives with women in general.

“Trump is unique in American politics because we’ve never seen such a moronic buffoon reach such heights,” said former Vermont governor Howard Dean on MSNBC. “After this article he’ll no doubt try to go out and play the ‘abused woman’ card, but it won’t get him anywhere. There are simply not enough cases of domestic abuse out there to get him elected.”

 

Republican Party To Unify Behind Exciting New Racist

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Paul Ryan and Donald Trump released a joint statement today meant to signal their unity following a two-hour meeting on Capitol Hill.

The statement from the presumptive GOP presidential nominee and House Speaker said the two had a “great conversation” and that they were honest over their “few differences” during two hours of meetings on Thursday.

“We will be having additional discussions, but remain confident there’s a great opportunity to unify our party and win this fall, and we are totally committed to working together to achieve that goal,” the joint statement said.

It fell short of an endorsement of Trump by Ryan, who shocked many Republicans a week ago by saying he was not yet ready to get in line behind the man expected to clinch the GOP nomination in coming weeks.

“I’m not quite willing to endorse yet, but I’m sure we can reach some sort of agreement that will allow me to put my core principles aside and get behind this buffoon that the Republican base has decided will be our standard-bearer,” said a nervous looking Ryan.

“After all, what really matters is power.”

Senator Jeff Sessions of what is left of the State of Alabama agreed, saying “I’m excited to have a new and charismatic racist leading our party. He’s brought in hundreds of thousands of new bigots, misogynists and xenophobic kooks into our party, and with his help we can turn back the clock decades, maybe even a century. Together we can make sure no negro ever holds the office of president again. It’s an exciting time to be alive.”

As of this morning no new Republican leaders have endorsed Trump, but most pundits believe that it’s only a matter of time before most members of the GOP put aside their core beliefs, decency and common sense and rally behind the giant orange colon rodent for president.

Guns, Beer And Vomit: Trump Delegates In Custody After Rampage In Death Valley

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Three men who went on a drunken rampage involving gunfire, vomiting, skinny dipping and the death of a tiny endangered fish in Death Valley National Park are now in custody, officials said today.

The men, now identified as John Ya Ya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries, are all on the ballot as Trump delegates in the California primary. They were seen on surveillance video the evening of April 30 driving around a secured gate surrounding Devils Hole, a 40-acre detached unit in Death Valley National Park. The habitat is also home to the endangered Devils Hole pupfish.

Once they entered Devils Hole, park officials said the men shot at signs, gate locks and a security system motion sensor. The men fired at least 10 rounds, according to authorities. They also left behind beer cans, vomit, and a “Make America Great Again” trucker’s cap.

During the excursion, one man jumped into the waters of Devils Hole and swam around for a while shouting “Mexicans are rapists!” and “Muslims suck!”

For some reason the man left his pink boxer shorts floating in the water. They are currently being tested for alien DNA.

Ya Ya, Many Jars, and Small Berries were apprehended on Hollywood Boulevard while hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians and yelling “Make America Great Again” through a loudspeaker mounted on top of their vehicle.

Park officials later found a dead pupfish in the water — one of only 115 that currently inhabit Devils Hole.

Pupfish, which grow to about an inch in length, roughly the size of Donald Trump’s dick, are the tenacious descendants of fish that inhabited an ancient lake that once covered Death Valley.

According to the National Park Service, the pupfish population fluctuates between 100 and 200 in the winter and between 300 and 500 in the summer. The latest population numbers were tallied in a survey last month, park officials said.

“A necropsy is being performed on the pupfish to determine whether the vandals’ actions may have caused the death of this member of an endangered species,” park officials said in a statement.

Investigators are examining the area and reviewing surveillance video footage of the incident.

Park officials said the men not only shot the motion sensor, but also tried to remove cables in an attempt to dismantle the security system, but failed because they were so fucking stupid.

Video footage shows the men climbing over the fence and driving away in a blue Yamaha Rhino, an off-road vehicle.

The vehicle was later pulled over and the three men were arrested while driving up Hollywood Boulevard hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians, officials said.

Officials credit the swift arrest of the men to a tip provided by an anonymous caller who claimed that Ted Cruz was sent by God to rule over America.

The three men face charges of destruction of government property, killing an endangered species by toxic urine discharge, and chronic criminal stupidity.

CIA To Hire Homeroom Teacher For Trump’s Intelligence Briefings

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of the CIA John Brennan announced this morning that the agency will be hiring Gladys Ironfist, a homeroom teacher at Stonewall Jackson Grammar School in Lynchburg, Virginia, to give classified intelligence briefings to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump after the Republican convention in July.

Under a longstanding bipartisan tradition, presidents allow their would-be successors to receive classified intelligence briefings to bring them up to speed on emerging threats around the world. The briefings usually begin immediately after the party conventions, and do not include the top-secret sources and methods.

Mr. Brennan told reporters that the agency believed that Mrs Ironfist would be able to explain the information in terms Mr. Trump could understand.

“We wanted someone who had experience in dealing with insecure, immature individuals without upsetting them or hurting their feelings,” said Brennan. “Mrs Ironfist has proven herself capable handling class clowns, brats, and self-centered little shits over a long an illustrious career.

“We believe she has the patience to deal with someone as clueless and thin-skinned as Mr. Trump, and she’ll throw cold water on any conspiracy theories he may come up with as a result of receiving information that is intended for adults.

“After all, we don’t want the crazy son of a bitch to nuke Luxembourg on his first day in office, do we?”

 

Priebus Still Unable To Locate His Testicles

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has still not found his testicles, according to a report released from the Associated Press this morning.

“We’ve pulled out all the stops to try find his scrotum,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “I  mean we’ve looked everywhere. At first we thought the Democrats had stolen them, then we searched the offices of everyone in the Freedom Caucus. We even asked the FBI and CIA for help. But so far, no results.”

According to a press release from the RNC, Priebus’ testicles have been missing since last fall, when it became apparent that Donald Trump would be a real contender in the race for the Republican nomination. Without them, Priebus has been powerless to do anything to prevent the GOP from being taken over by a neo-fascist lunatic bent on destroying the Party and the country as a whole.

“It’s getting really frustrating,” said the aide. “Some of us are beginning to think the asshole had no balls to begin with.”

Priebus has vowed to continue the search as long as he is chairman, which won’t be long if things continue as they have been.

Trump To Choose Running Mate With Some Sort Of Knowledge

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a phone interview on MSNBC’s Morning Joe today Donald Trump told host Joe Scarborough that he planned on choosing a running mate who had some knowledge of something.

Trump said that the potential vice president should have at least some understanding of a wide variety of subjects that he knows nothing about, such as civics, foreign affairs, domestic policy, science, and history.

“A running mate should complement the nominee and make up for any deficits he may have,” said Trump, in an attempt to sound presidential.

“I want to find someone who will be loyal to me but at the same time will be able to provide me with information about things that I’ve never thought about before, like governing.

“For example, I’d like someone who knows what a bill is and how to get it passed, what form of government we have, and the functions of the five branches of government we have in this country. I just don’t know much about that kind of stuff.

“I’m much better at acting like a lunatic and spouting crazy conspiracy theories that I read in the tabloids. That’s fine for fooling idiot Tea Party voters in the primaries, but in the general election and if I win the White House, I’m gonna need someone who can actually engage in critical thought if I’m going to get anything done.

When Scarborough asked if he had anyone in particular in mind, Trump was evasive.

“It’s too early to tell at this point. This will more than likely be a long process because we don’t know of anyone crazy enough to accept the job at this point.

“I’d love to choose a current Republican senator or representative, but they’ve proven to the entire country they have no fucking idea how to govern, so I’ve crossed them off the list.”