Jesus Relaxes Membership Requirements; Allows Trump To Become A Christian

 

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – Jesus Christ, Prince of Peace and Son of Man, is temporarily relaxing membership requirements for being a Christian, according to the Associated Press.

At a press conference held just outside the Gates of Heaven, the Savior of Mankind told reporters today that he hated to see so many politicians doomed to the fires of Hell for all eternity.

“I’ve thought for some time now that our entrance exam was a little stringent,” said Jesus.

“I feel sorry for Trump because I realize that it’s hard running a campaign without lying your ass off and expressing hatred for anyone who isn’t white; I mean not everyone can be Bernie Sanders. So I decided to give Donald and a bunch of other politicians, party members, and ministers a break for the time being.

“I also want to clear up a misconception. I really didn’t mean all that stuff I said about rich people. The acquisition of wealth should be a Christian’s main goal. Without rich people how we would fund all those big, beautiful churches and jet aircraft to spread the gospel?”

When Jesus was asked whether this wouldn’t open the floodgates to let a whole new class of people into Heaven, he said that indeed it would.

“It’s regrettable, and we’ll have to expand our facilities, but I think it’s worth it in order to make America great again.”

A reporter then asked the Messiah whether Ted Cruz would qualify as a Christian under the new rules.

“OH HELL NO!” replied the Lamb of God. “No way that bastard comes anywhere near this place as long as I’m in charge. Let Lucifer deal with his ass.”

U.N. Leader Calls Gas Attack “Crime Against Humanity”

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called this morning’s massive poison gas attack on Cabin Anthrax “a vicious attack on innocent civilians” and a “crime against humanity” in a statement made to the press late this afternoon.

“Of all the horrific acts conducted against a civilian population this may be the worst,” said the Secretary-General, as he wiped a tear from his eye. “We don’t have casualty figures yet, but there seems to have been significant loss of life caused by the attack. We’re mobilizing all the assets we have and rushing them to help in the cleanup.”

The attack came just before dawn and was conducted by rebel leader Generalissimo Francisco Banjo (pictured above), mastermind of similar gas attacks in the past.

“It was terrifying,” said Jerry Dickerson, a survivor of the attack. “I was awakened out of a deep sleep and had to rush to the bathroom, turn on the fan, and light an entire book of matches in order to survive. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”

General Banjo has been detained by Cherokee County authorities and is expected to make his first appearance at the World Court in The Hague sometime next week. He is charged with war crimes and crimes against humanity and fellow canines.

“I don’t know if he’ll be convicted or not because the evidence has long since dissipated, but I can tell you this, he’ll be one dead dog if interrupts another dream about Salma Hayek,” said Dickerson as he was released from the hospital.

Fredo Suspends Campaign To Manage Greyhound Track

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – After a poor performance in Saturday’s South Carolina Republican primary, Jeb Bush suspended his campaign and told supporters that he would be headed back to Florida to help manage a greyhound track close to his home in Coral Gables.

Jeb, known affectionately as “Fredo” within the Bush crime family, said that he was looking forward to managing the track and making money for his mom Barbara, who recently took over the reins of the criminal empire from her husband George.

“I can handle things… I’m smart! Not like everybody says! Like, dumb! I’m smart… and I want respect!” said Jeb, as he trembled violently in front of a crowd of over 25 supporters. “I never really wanted to run for office. I just want a nice quiet job where I can count money and pet the doggies.”

“We had high hopes for Jeb ever since he was a little kid,” said the new Godmom Barbara, “but he just doesn’t have what it takes to be an international crime boss like his brother.”

Bush is expected to take over as manager of the Furry Friends Greyhound Track in Tamiami in early April after he returns from a brief “toughening up” trip out west under the supervision of Bush capo Richard “The Dick” Cheney.

 

Dickhead And Asshole Pose For Photograph In South Carolina

 

CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – Infamous South Carolina dickhead congressman Mark Sanford posed for a photograph with bigoted pseudo Christian asshole Phil Robertson at a campaign event for Antichrist miscreant Senator Ted Cruz last night, who continues to fantasize about being president of the United States.

Mr. Sanford posted the photograph on Twitter with the caption, “I love getting to know scumbag cretins like myself. Phil is a good Christian who wants to kill all gay people. Go Ted!”

Pundits are calling the photograph a warning to all citizens of the United States of what could happen if a Republican wins the White House, particularly the giant bipedal penis Ted Cruz.

“It never ceases to amaze me that people are dumb enough to actually sit and listen to a couple of fossilized turds like Sanford and Robertson,” said Sheldon Schlongowitz, a political analyst for CNN.

“It’s truly worrisome that Republican voters in are apparently splitting their vote between an ego-maniacal fascist and a foul smelling hypocrite who wants to turn America into some sort of theocracy, but then again we are talking about South Carolina.”

Democrats are hopeful that the photograph will scare the fuck out of decent people across the U.S. and help them win the general election in the fall.

“If that photograph doesn’t convince the American public that electing a Republican president is tantamount to suicide, then nothing will,” said Bernie Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver.

 

McConnell Threatens To Destroy Tokyo

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – During an interview with Fox News couch tumor Steve Doocy this morning, Senate Majority Leader and behemoth reptile Mitch McConnell threatened Tokyo with “utter and complete destruction” if President Obama had the audacity to nominate a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently assumed room temperature.

McConnell told Doocy that “never in the history of the United States” has a president been allowed to nominate a justice during the last three years of his term.

“The constitution only allows presidents to nominate judges during their first year in office,” said McConnell, as he consumed a large pine tree outside his Louisville office. “Everyone knows the rules, and the fact that Obama is willing to flout them like this just proves that he is in fact the Antichrist. If he dares to make a nomination, I promise I’ll lay waste to Tokyo and move on from there.”

McConnell’s threats were taken seriously by the Japan Self-Defense Forces, who immediately went on alert and started lining up antiquated tanks and rocket launchers along the shores of Tokyo Bay.

“We have to take these threats seriously,” said General Tojo Yamamoto of the JSDF. “McConnell’s tough outer shell and leathery skin make him almost impervious to conventional weapons. We may have to call in other monsters such as Ted Cruz or even Michele Bachmann in order to stop him.”

Until now McConnell has been satisfied to merely lumber onto to Pennsylvania Avenue and stop traffic in all directions to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for obstruction. However, these new threats mark a willingness to up the ante and destroy every in his path in order to get his way.

The Obama Administration so far has not been willing to use “the nuclear option” to destroy McConnell, but with Tokyo and other major cities under threat of annihilation this may change.

“We don’t want to nuke him,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “but when you’re dealing with a throwback from the early Jurassic period, you have to keep all your options open.”

Dickerson Renews Vows To Self (Again)

 

MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – In what has become somewhat of a Valentine’s Day tradition, 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson reaffirmed his vows to himself in a touching ceremony just off an old logging road near his cabin in rural Cherokee County.

Attending the ceremony were his dogs, two dozen chickens, several scorpions who interrupted their mid winter slumber for the event, and an incompetent survivalist asshole who happened to be wandering by.

Dickerson told the Murphy Plain Dealer that he usually tries to renew his vows at least once per year just to assure himself that no one else will ever get in the way of the deep and abiding love he feels for the person who is most important to him.

Ducktown resident Gilbert McScrotum, an unemployed fry cook and amateur survivalist, happened upon the ceremony and congratulated Dickerson on his successful long term relationship, something that has always eluded McScrotum despite having fathered 11 children.

“There’s really no one else who even comes close,” said Dickerson.

“I came to the conclusion years ago that I made myself happier than anyone else ever could. I try my best to think of myself first in any and all situations, and I try not to deny myself anything.

“I just don’t see anyone ever breaking us up.”

Jerry’s mother Charlene and sister Kathy, reached by phone in Blue Mountain Beach, Florida, agreed.

“Jerry’s devotion to himself is really something to behold,” said Charlene. “He’s been that way ever since he was a little boy. He used to mug other kids on Easter so that he could hoard all the eggs and chocolate bunnies. It was really cute.”

“I’ve really never encountered anyone who loves himself more than Jerry does,” said Kathy. “He thinks very highly of just of about everything he does, says, or thinks, and you’re wasting your time trying to tell him any different.”

After the ceremony the guests were invited to a small get-together at Cabin Anthrax, where the dogs were treated to peanut butter flavored biscuits, the chickens a loaf of bread, and the scorpions a variety of live insects.

Since Dickerson eschews human contact at all costs since it tends to interfere with his narcissism, the starving survivalist was sent to a nearby pond where he devoured an unfortunate trout that swam too close to shore.

Dickerson told reporters that he intends to redouble his efforts to satisfy himself in every way in the coming months, and looks forward to a happy and rewarding relationship with himself for many years to come.

 

12 Dead At RNC Headquarters Building After Rubio Fails Voight-Kampff Test

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.

The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.

“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”

Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.

According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.

“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”

According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.

So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.

“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”

 

Area Man Takes First Shower In Over A Week; Pets Grateful

 

MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson took his first shower in over a week today, sources say. The reclusive oddball was said to have been as ripe as garbage dump when he finally broke down and cleaned himself up early this morning.

Banjo was so revolted by Dickerson’s stench that he ran him off the sofa and into the master bedroom

The unfortunate Dickerson reportedly had been suffering for days from food poisoning contracted at a Turtletown drive-thru.

His pets and only neighbor within a mile of his cabin were among those grateful for his decision to pay a little attention to his personal hygiene.

“I’m eighteen years old and I used to consume decaying raccoon carcasses on a regular basis, and I can honestly say I’ve never smelled anything so foul,” said Banjo, Dickerson’s world champion Treeing Feist.

Auda, Dickerson’s Black Giant rooster, said, “Listen, we poultry eat and poop in the same place and I have to tell you that we wanted him nowhere near our coop. He was downright rancid!”

“I’m somewhat of an expert on excavating odoriferous crawlspaces full of all sorts of indescribable filth, and I can tell you, that dude was rank,” said Millie, an English Cream Golden Retriever.

Dozer, Dickerson’s Pit-bull/Husky mix, told the Ducktown Plain Dealer that his owner smelled so bad that he refused to bite him.

Neighbor Roger Wills said, “I felt sorry for the bastard because he felt so bad so I went and got him some Gatorade from the store down the street. But let me tell you, the fumes coming from inside that cabin were so bad I had to leave it on the doorstep. No way I was walking into that hell on earth.”

When asked if her owner didn’t have a legitimate excuse for being so malodorous having contracted such a dread disease, Millie told reporters, “Sure, but that doesn’t explain last month.”

 

Rubio Pulls An Ohio State; Claims Victory After Finishing Third

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.

“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”

Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.

“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”

On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.

Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.

“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”

Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.

 

 

Children Of The Corn Choose Son Of Satan

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Senator and Antichrist Ted Cruz, powered by a surge of support from fanatical evangelical Christians, dealt a humbling loss to Donald J. Trump in the Iowa caucuses on Monday, throwing into question the depth of support for Mr. Trump’s unconventional candidacy.

In the first contest of what so far has been more a populist revolt against the political order than a traditional Republican primary, part-time Senator Marco Rubio of Florida finished a strong third, bolstering his case to consolidate the support of Republicans uneasy about the two top finishers and so desperate that they will back a man-child with the mind of a teenager instead of face the reality of a Trump or Cruz candidacy.

Mr. Cruz had nearly 28 percent of the vote, Mr. Trump 24 percent and Mr. Rubio 23 percent.

Christian organizations all across Iowa celebrated the Cruz victory by crucifying gay couples in remote cornfields and sending their adopted children to Jesus, Inc. reeducation camps run by Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A

“To God be the glory,” Mr. Cruz told jubilant supporters. “Tonight is a victory for religious kooks all across this great nation. Tonight is a victory for both naive fools that actually believe what I’m saying, and brain-dead Tea Party hayseed twits all across Iowa.”

Chairman Necromancer McSnead of the popular Iowa Christians for a Violent Overthrow of the Federal Government, a splinter group of the American Taliban Association, wholeheartedly agreed.

“When Ted gains power we can go back to executing gays, negroes, and poor people in the village square just like in the good old days of the Middle Ages,” McSnead told Katy Tur of MSNBC. “That’s what Jesus would want.

“We understand that Ted has to bide his time and actually pretend to be reasonable while running his campaign, but we all look forward to him seizing power and turning the federal government into an oppressive theocracy that smothers all progressive ideas and jails all dissenters. Anyone with any sense knows that’s how the ultra right-wing Christian founders wanted it to be, and if we have to make a pact with the Son of Satan to achieve it, then so be it. We just can’t wait to live in the Saudi Arabia of the West!”

Meanwhile, almost every decent human being in the United States and around the world hopes that Cruz will fall flat on his ass in New Hampshire and Trump or Rubio will come out the victor.

Even elected Republican officeholders are lining up against Cruz.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told Fox News that he would rather see “a diseased goat” as president rather than Cruz. “Ted Cruz redefines what it means to be an asshole. He’s a walking, talking hemorrhoid. He can’t assume room temperature soon in enough if you ask me.”

With the New Hampshire primary only days away, we won’t have long to wait to see who comes out on top, the fascist, the  man-child, or the Antichrist himself.