Monsanto Finalizes Plans To Destroy All Life On Earth

 

ST LOUIS – (CT&P) – Monsanto Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant announced at a press conference this morning that the company’s long-awaited master plan to annihilate all life on earth had been finalized.

The company hopes to use a combination of carcinogenic weed killers, toxic fertilizers, and genetically altered plants and animals to wipe out all life on the planet.

“I know it’s been a long time coming, but we’re finally on the verge of killing every living thing on this miserable rock,” said Grant, as blood from an early morning feeding dripped off his chin. “We’ve already done one hell of a job on the bees, bats, and amphibians. Now we’re going to go after the base of the food chain and then graduate to larger reptiles and mammals.

“We’ve also been rapidly buying up every heritage seed company we can get our hands on so desperate survivors of the initial cataclysm won’t be able to grow their own food,” said a chuckling Grant.

When asked just when he thought Monsanto would accomplish its goal of worldwide apocalypse, Grant said that it should only take about three generations.

“Originally we planned on 200 years,” said Grant. “But our partnering with Koch Industries has changed all that. With the help of the Koch brothers poisoning the groundwater through fracking, and accelerated global warming from our dear friends in the oil industry, we think we can wipe out millions of years of evolution in no time flat.”

One reporter asked Grant if he didn’t think that environmentalists might object to large corporations laying waste to the entire planet and push for tighter regulations in congress.

“What, are you an idiot? Between us and the Kochs we own almost every politician now serving in office. We hope we can get a Republican in the presidency this time around so we can really get to work decimating what’s left of our water, air, and wildlife so we can come in under budget and right on time!”

When asked why Monsanto and Koch would want to make the earth a sterile rock incapable of supporting life of any kind, Grant said “For the money you moron! I won’t be around when all the shit hits the fan, so who the fuck cares?”

 

 

ARMY OF THE TWELVE CRETINS

 

NOT YOUR USUAL HORROR FILM

BANNED IN ALL OTHER WESTERN DEMOCRACIES

SEE: THE FACES OF MODERN FASCISM!

SEE: CANDIDATES WITH A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY!

SEE: THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF RIGHT WING BLOOD LUST!

SEE: THE LIVING DEAD TRY TO DRAG US BACK TO THE MIDDLE AGES!

SEE: BRAIN DAMAGED CANDIDATES TRY DESPERATELY TO MAKE SENSE!

SEE: RELIGIOUS KOOKS ATTEMPT TO QUENCH THEIR INSATIABLE THIRST FOR A THEOCRACY!

STARRING: THE PUTRID REMAINS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

Jeffrey Schlongstein of the Washington Post writes: “This is one movie you don’t dare miss. Our very way of life may depend on it.”

NOW SHOWING IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE

SOON TO COME TO A PODIUM NEAR YOU

RATED R FOR RACISM

Dickerson Loses It After Three Days Without Satellite Dish

 

MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Lee Dickerson was found wandering the woods along the Tennessee state line late last night suffering from exposure and dehydration, according to authorities from the North Carolina Wildlife Commission.

Wildlife Resource Officer John Small Berries found the man around 11 P.M wearing nothing but a tie-dyed Speedo with the words “Chavez-Dingo” sewn across the posterior area.

“I’ve been working this job for twenty years and it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said Small Berries.

“The dude was running around howling like some kind of animal and mumbling something about Barcelona and the Messiah. He was totally incoherent. At first I thought he was speaking in tongues.”

With the help of Dickerson’s neighbor Roger Wills, authorities were able to patch together what most likely led to the wilderness rampage.

It seems that Dickerson lost his Dish service sometime late Sunday during the playoff games. Officials believe it had something to do with the ice and snow that hit the area over the weekend. Dickerson’s problems apparently began when he was told it would be Thursday before a technician could be scheduled to come repair the damage because of his remote location and the Dish employees that had disappeared in the area in recent years.

“He just became more and more agitated as the days went by,” said Wills. “I know for a fact that he hasn’t gone more than four hours without watching a soccer match over the last two years. He’s kinda of a kook if you ask me. I always thought he was a weird son of a bitch, but have to admit I never expected this kind of breakdown just because he couldn’t watch the Premier League.”

Dickerson was checked into the Cherokee County Mental Health Unit in Murphy to undergo a battery of tests to ensure that he poses no threat to the public or wildlife in his area. He is expected to be released sometime Thursday afternoon in time to meet the Dish repairman who will be escorted to the site by a Cherokee County deputy sheriff.

Weather Channel Warns Viewers Not To Loiter In Front Of Snow Plows Like Some Idiot

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising those viewers who have poorly functioning frontal lobes due to head injuries, strokes, or frequent trips to Flint, Michigan, that they should avoid wandering aimlessly in the streets in front of active snow plows, particularly in blizzard conditions when the driver can barely see where the fuck he’s going.

Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion made it clear that although it’s fun to play in the snow and enjoy the unusual conditions, one should try to stay alive while doing it.

“Just because there are no cars on the roads doesn’t mean that your life is not in danger when you walk around in the snow-covered streets,” said Champion. “Snow plows are large, heavy vehicles often piloted by underpaid employees whose only qualifications for the job are the fact that they are breathing and have a valid driver’s license.

“Many drivers take advantage of the conditions to get drunk or high before plowing the streets and are totally unaware  of what is going on around them, and during a blizzard they may not even see your sorry ass. So if you are going to go risk going outside in these deadly conditions, then don’t walk around or lie down in the street.”

Champion also suggested that anyone going outside their home when one inch or more of snow was on the ground should wear a goose down mountaineering suit, huge, unwieldy boots with crampons, full body armor, a football helmet, and carry supplemental oxygen in a massive tank on their back. He also said that for even a short journey out-of-doors, you should carry enough food and water to last a week in case you’re trapped in a snowdrift or engulfed by an avalanche pouring off your neighbor’s roof.

“You just never can be too careful, and we at the Weather Channel want everyone to stay safe while we celebrate the number of road closures, premature deaths due to exposure and car accidents, and the billions of dollars lost to the economy by Winter Storm Jonas,” concluded a breathless Champion.

 

METEOROLIGISTS GONE WILD: Weather Channel Takes Delivery On 55 Gallon Drum Of Astroglide

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that a 55 gallon drum of Astroglide has been delivered to the Weather Channel headquarters building in Atlanta in preparation for the annual Weather Channel Winter Storm Orgy that occurs during the first major frozen precipitation event of the season.

Wolf Blitzer told viewers today that unnamed sources within the Weather Channel “family” had phoned him and said that this year’s party celebrating the widespread panic and destruction caused by Winter Storm Jonas promised to “blow all the past orgies away.”

The sexual marathon is infamous in Atlanta and has been responsible for multiple unplanned pregnancies and vicious divorce proceedings in the past.

“I can’t begin to count the number of kids that have been conceived during this annual no-holes-barred (literally) sexual romp,” said Blitzer. “They get so excited and out of control over there that Coke bottles aren’t safe.”

“This year the office manager has apparently gone hog-wild and ordered enough lubricant for a herd of elephants,” said a visibly aroused Blitzer.

“They also bought out the entire stock from Tower liquor store on Piedmont and Green’s over on Buford Highway. There are rumors that Inserection and the Love Shack made deliveries early this afternoon. It’s meteorologists gone wild!”

The introduction of erectile dysfunction drugs a few years back turned the party from a one night fling into a test of endurance for the participants. In recent years the drug and alcohol fueled moral abomination has lasted anywhere from 24-48 hours, depending on the length of the blizzard and the number of road closures and casualties.

However, with the epic snowstorm now brewing in D.C. and along the Eastern Seaboard, no one has any idea how long this one will last. A memo from Weather Channel management obtained by Blitzer stressed the need for all employees to remain properly hydrated for the duration, but as a precaution emergency medical personnel from nearby hospitals have been put on alert.

Blitzer closed the segment by wishing all the Weather Channel employees “the very best of luck,” but lamented that this marks the fifth year in row he was not invited to the event.

 

 

Weather Channel Advises Elderly In Path Of Storm To Commit Suicide Now

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising all elderly or weak individuals in the path of Winter Storm Jonas to go ahead and commit suicide before the storm hits.

Weather Channel stalwart Jim Cantore, reporting from the nation’s capital, told viewers today that suicide would be preferable to a slow, agonizing death at the hands of the blizzard.

“If you are elderly, weak, or disabled, and unable to flee the path of the storm, it would be much better for you to go ahead and end it all now while you still have power,” said Cantore, after shooting up half a gram of methamphetamine.

“You certainly don’t want to slowly freeze to death in your home surrounded by cats, who are sure to devour your bloated corpse in the days to come. In fact, I advise even young adults who are depressed or have bleak economic futures to do the same. Remember, no one will be coming to check on you because you have no friends and you alienated your family a long time ago. Just get it over with, for God’s sake.”

David Clark, president of the Weather Channel, was quick to point out that although Cantore’s recommendations had merit, they represented his opinions alone and were not those of Weather Channel management.

 

 

Ted Cruz Picks Up Key Endorsement

 

THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz picked up a key endorsement today from Satan, the Prince of Darkness and Spirit of Evil. The surprise endorsement came during a hastily called press conference early this morning along the banks of the River Styx, on the outskirts of Hades.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists that Lucifer, who has long been expected to endorse current GOP front runner Donald Trump, changed his mind and will be backing Cruz throughout the primaries.

“His Majesty the King of Hell feels that Senator Cruz embodies the all the qualities we hold dear here in the Abyss of Eternal Suffering,” said Balthazar. “It was a close call, because so many of the Republican candidates are truly horrible human beings, but Ted shined in the key ‘hypocrite’ category, and that won him the endorsement in the end.”

“Mephistopheles believes that when it comes down to it, none of the GOP candidates can match Ted for his ability to mask his dark soul and evil intentions while claiming to be a Christian. He’s truly an abominable human being, and we feel he has the best chance to usher in a period of hell on earth that will pave the way for El Diablo’s reign on your miserable planet.”

The endorsement came as a complete surprise to Donald Trump, who was counting on the endorsement after exhibiting all the characteristics of a racist, misogynistic, homophobic fascist on the campaign trail.

Trump told Wolf Blitzer that he was really counting on a “Beelzebub Bump” in the polls.

“Instead I’m stuck with this fucking idiot Sarah Palin,” said a despondent Trump. “I’m going to have to come up with a new plan.”

 

Weather Channel Warns That Icy Roads Can Be Hazardous

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is warning its viewers in Tennessee and North Carolina that when ice forms on roads, cars tend slide out of control, which can cause wrecks.

Winter Storm Ilias, which has caused raised blood pressure, racing heartbeats, and raging hornyness among Weather Channel personnel, is currently moving across Tennessee and western North Carolina causing hazardous driving conditions in higher elevations.

Since no one in Tennessee or North Carolina has ever seen snow or ice before, the helpful folks at the Weather Channel have mentioned about 500 fucking times this morning alone that when it’s cold, water falling from the sky turns to something else, and it can be damn dangerous.

“I don’t know what I’d do without the Weather Channel,” said Greta Hangnail of Ducktown, Tennessee. “I’ve seen pictures of all that ice and snow in my National Geographic, but I had no idea it could happen in the United States. I thought all that stuff was up in Canada.”

Jeffrey Scrotum of Mulebutt, North Carolina told a local TV reporter that he had heard from his grandpa that one time it snowed up in the Smoky Mountains but that was a long time ago.

“I don’t know nothing about no snow and ice,” said Scrotum. “You really think I can’t drive on it? Why would that be?”

The Weather Channel is advising that everyone in both states should go ape shit and go buy all the milk and bread in every fucking grocery store within 100 miles of their homes just in case the storm traps them in their miserable homes for more than three or four hours.

They also advise that no one should drive for at least three or four days after the storm is over because black ice could be lurking everywhere and cause massive casualties on a scale not seen since World War II.

“It’s always best to cower in fear and hunker down wherever you are once the storm hits,” said Bernie Shortschlong, a winter storm specialist. “From what I’m seeing on radar I think it’ll be safe for folks in the Deep South to return to work sometime next week.”

 

 

 

Obama Signs Executive Order Forcing Ohio State To Play Tougher Schedule

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama signed an executive order today that will force Ohio State to play a tougher schedule each year or be banned from whining like a bunch of pussies, according to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

At a press conference this afternoon Earnest told reporters that the entire country was “sick and fucking tired” of Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about how great they are and how they could have beaten Alabama or Clemson easily if only they had been in the college football playoff.

The order calls for Ohio State to play at least one game per year against a quality opponent from outside the Big Ten, preferably a team from the SEC or ACC. Cupcakes such as Wake Forest and Vanderbilt are excluded from the list of possible opponents. If Ohio State refuses to schedule a team that actually has quality players on it, there will be a gag order placed on all players and fans.

Any coach, player or fan who disregards the order and runs his or her fucking mouth will face heavy fines and possible jail time.

Ohio governor and presidential candidate John Kasich called the order just another example of Obama run amok issuing edicts like a despot.

“Obama is a tyrant, that much is clear,” said Kasich.

However, the order has been greeted with approval from nearly every corner of the country excluding the State of Ohio. Even fellow GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, praised the action.

“I can’t tell you how sick we are of that idiot Urban Meyer and those Buckeye bumpkins going on and on about how great they are,” said Huckabee. “I used to think that Obama was the Antichrist, but in his last year in office he seems to have found the Lord. It’s a great day. SEC! SEC! SEC!”

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Announces Plans To Carpet Bomb Flint

 

LANSING – (CT&P) – Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R) announced today that he is ordering the Michigan Air National Guard to carpet bomb Flint “until the entire fucking city is flattened.”

A spokesman for the governor told CNN that Snyder was “sick and fucking tired” of Flint residents bellyaching about lead in their water, the outbreak of Legionaires’ disease ravaging the city, and the guillotining of citizens who commit misdemeanors within the city limits.

“If these people don’t like the way Governor Snyder is running things in Flint, then they can just die along with all the rest of his Democrat opponents,” said Maximilien Robespierre, Snyder’s chief of staff.

“All these folks do is whine about representative government and clean drinking water,” said Robespierre, as wiped blood from corner of his mouth. “They should be glad they live in a state that’s run by a right-wing Christian governor like Rick. There’s plenty of places on earth where people are forced to drink their own urine because there’s no water at all. If you ask me the residents of Flint have it made.”

Snyder, considered by many to be the Antichrist, was once an up and coming star of the Republican Party until he began poisoning the children of Michigan with lead and other heavy metals.

“Poisoning kids is where we have to draw the line,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “I mean if they were all black or Hispanic that would one thing, but Snyder ruined the lives of a bunch of white kids as well, and we can’t abide that.”

According to the governor’s office the bombing is set to begin on Sunday morning in honor of Jesus, because Snyder claims to rule by divine right. As an act of kindness pamphlets warning of the city’s impending doom will be dropped on Flint Saturday along with canisters of mustard gas which is intended to drive as many residents out of the city as possible before the bombing begins.

“It should be quite a show,” said a gleeful Robespierre.