Cruz Decries Unauthorized Use Of Monkeys

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has vociferously protested the unauthorized use of his two little monkeys in a cartoon published in the Washington Post this week.

Cruz hammered the Post on Wednesday for publishing an online editorial cartoon depicting his spawn as dancing monkeys, telling a crowd in Tulsa that the attack “has no place in politics.”

“Not too much ticks me off, but using my two little monkeys without my permission, that’ll do it,” Cruz said in response to the cartoon, which has since been taken down.

“They’re my monkeys, and I get to decide when to use them,” said Cruz, as saliva dribbled from one side of his mouth.

“It’s perfectly OK if I use them as pawns in political ads to degrade an opposing candidate, depicting Hillary Clinton as the Grinch for example, but I’ll be damned if the Washington Post can use them to criticize me. It’s just not the Christian thing to do. After all, they’re just kids and have no idea what’s going on, and if they’re going to be taken advantage of, it should be by their power hungry Dad.”

As noted the Post took down the cartoon and has since apologized to Cruz.

Cruz told editorial page editor Fred Hiatt that next time he wanted to use the monkeys in a cartoon he could contact his campaign and an appropriate fee could be worked out.

Fellow senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio told CNN that the real story here was not that Cruz or the Post had used the little monkeys for political gain, but that at some point in time Ted had actually found a female monkey willing to have sex with him.

“Must have been one desperate monkey,” said Rubio.

 

Weather Channel Warns Tornadoes Are More Dangerous At Night When You Can’t Fucking See Them

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is warning its viewers that after the sun goes down it gets dark and that makes severe storms, especially tornadoes, much more dangerous because you can’t see them coming. The warning came as a tornado outbreak began early this afternoon in portions of the south and mid-west.

Weather Channel severe weather expert Dr. Greg Forbes took pains to explain to viewers that as afternoon draws on, the sun sinks lower and lower on the horizon and eventually sets, which results in it getting dark, making it much more difficult to see anything, even a hand in front of your face.

Dr. Forbes said that in the dark people have trouble seeing things approaching them, even things that sound like a fucking freight train plowing straight through their homes.

Dr. Forbes said that this can be problematic if one lives in a trailer, flimsy prefab housing, a tent, or a cardboard box. He warned that anyone living under such conditions should find a neighbor who is not voting for Trump as it will be more likely that they will have a solidly built home better able to sustain high winds and hail without threat to life and limb.

During the broadcast Dr. Forbes managed to break a world record by mentioning the term “debris ball” over a dozen times in one sentence.

Weather Channel experts said that when the sun comes up again in the morning most people will be able to see again and the threat of being swept up into a funnel cloud never to be seen again will decrease.

 

CBO Warns Of Increased Deficits If Trump Elected

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Congressional Budget Office released a statement this morning which warned that there would be grave economic consequences if Donald Trump gains the White House.

The report detailed the tremendous expense of building and maintaining the huge number of concentration camps necessary to house and slaughter the millions of Hispanics, Muslims, homosexuals, journalists, opposition politicians, and intellectuals that Trump has promised to silence were he elected.

“Sure, we would get some reward out of the forced labor that would be made available as these people slowly starve to death, but the costs far outweigh the benefits,” said Keith Hall, director of the CBO. “We did extensive computer modeling of the problem, and even if we reduced the food intake of the prisoners to around 600 calories per day, we would still be in the red. It’s expensive business killing all these folks.”

Donald Trump reacted to the report in a series of Tweets today calling the CBO’s analysis a “load of crap.”

“The CBO has no idea what it’s talking about,” said the presidential hopeful. “I’ll build the biggest, most beautiful concentration camps the world has ever seen. The Nazis ain’t got nothing on Trump. And, I’ll tell you something else, when I’m elected I’ll do away with the CBO and put its employees behind barbed wire where they belong.”

When opposing GOP candidates pointed out that Trump’s popularity would fall once he ran low on victims, Trump pointed out that there was an unlimited supply.

“Once we do away with all the Mexicans and Muslims, we can start working on the Catholics, Jews, and poor people,” said Trump. “There’s always another scapegoat waiting in the wings.”

 

 

Hillary Proposes Federal Night Light Program For Pussified Americans

 

SCAREDYCAT, IOWA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa this morning, Hillary Clinton unveiled her plans for a new federal program that would provide night lights for cowardly Americans who are terrified that they may become victims of Islamic terror.

The program would distribute night lights to families who could not otherwise afford them. It would also provide adult diapers to those who soil themselves at the mere mention of anything Islamic.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night only to realize that there are strange people in weird outfits wandering around your bedroom,” said Clinton.

“I hope this program will boost the courage of the millions of Americans who seem to have the backbone of a jellyfish. After all, you’re more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of rabid rodents than be a victim of terrorists.”

The proposal was universally condemned by GOP candidates who said that it was just another liberal handout designed to make Americans dependent on government.

Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz called the proposal a typical Democrat move to try to turn night into day.

“We need to concentrate on turning black and brown into white instead,” said Cruz, as he stole candy from a small child.

Clinton promised that during her first month in office she would do everything she possibly could to bolster the self-esteem and courage of the pussies who seem to make up such a large part of the American electorate.

 

Nation’s Cats Grateful For Something New To Demolish

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The Fraternal Order of Felines issued a statement this week thanking its human servants for once again bringing trees and shrubs inside homes across America this year and adorning them with fragile objects and wires with flashing lights on them.

The statement included testimonials from cats from every corner of the country about past winters when they wreaked havoc on numerous trees, destroyed valuable ornaments, and chewed through electrical wiring while successfully blaming the carnage on the family dog.

Einstein from Sioux Falls said that lying in wait and pouncing on unsuspecting elderly relatives was his favorite pastime every Chrismas

“I look forward to this time every year,” said Socrates, a cat from Birmingham, Alabama. “There’s nothing better than waiting until my humans leave to visit grandma, and then completely undoing all their hard work. I really appreciate all the effort they put in every winter.”

Some cats stated that they prefer the real thing while others said they liked artificial trees better.

Edgar from Atlanta, Georgia said that although it was big fun to wreak havoc with the fire department every once in a while, an indoor tree offered possibilities not found outdoors

“I prefer artificial trees,” said Einstein, a Grey Tabby from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. “They’re much more satisfying to chew on and you can admire the damage you did last year when they drag the thing out of the attic after Thanksgiving.”

Pandora, a Maine Coon from Los Angeles, California, disagreed saying, “There’s nothing better than a human trying to take a shortcut and putting a ceramic tree on the server in the dining room. They scare hell out of the dog when they crash to the floor, and all the debris is fun to bat around.”

Whatever the type of tree, the kitty consensus was that as long as humans continue to feed them and go to such ridiculous extremes to entertain them with new and creative decorations each Christmas, they would stick around the house for years to come.

 

 

 

 

CNN Moves GOP Debate Venue To Some Beer Hall In Munich

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.

 

 

Cruz Refuses To Criticize Fellow Asshole

COLUMBIA, S.C. – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz flatly refused to criticize Donald Trump for statements he made yesterday regarding Muslims and a possible ban on all people of that faith entering the United States.

“I do not believe the world needs my voice added to that chorus of critics,” Cruz said at a Tuesday press conference, referencing the large group of Republican and Democratic presidential candidates who have criticized the plan.

“And listen,” Cruz added, “I commend Donald Trump for standing up and focusing America’s attention on the need to secure our borders.”

“You won’t catch me criticizing a fellow asshole like Donald Trump,” said Cruz, as he stole some candy from a small child loitering on the edge of the crowd.

“I consider Donald Trump a friend of mine, and I only have two or three of them, so I can’t afford to go around alienating my brother cocksuckers all the time. Hell, even my own family hates my fucking guts, so I have to be careful what I say.

“I believe Donald is on the right track with his bigoted and xenophobic ideas and policy proposals, and I think you’re going to find out that the fascists that make up the right wing base of the Republican Party agree with us.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I promised my supporters I’d go kick the shit out of that homeless black veteran dozing in the alley over there.”

FBI Now Pretty Sure Radicalized Muslim Couple That Stockpiled Weapons, Ammo, And Explosives Before Murdering 14 People At Christmas Party Might Have Been Terrorists

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – FBI Director James Comey said that after some intense investigation the agency was leaning towards thinking that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik were terrorists.

“I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in, but it’s beginning to look like this couple could be jihadi lunatics,” said Comey, during an interview on CNN.

However, Comey said that we need to very careful not to label the couple before the investigation is complete.

Comey said that just because the couple was Muslim, had contact with radical supporters of ISIS, possessed an arsenal of weapons, thousands of rounds of ammo, and had a habit of building pipe bombs in their child’s nursery, did not mean that the newlyweds were necessarily a terrorist threat.

“Plenty of Americans have arsenals in their home and bring their infants to the firing range,” said Comey, a strong supporter of the NRA.

“Just because you hold radical opinions doesn’t make you a terrorist either,” he continued, “I mean, their are plenty of idiots who spend their weekends screaming Bible verses at innocent women entering Planned Parenthood clinics. It’s important that responsible Americans differentiate between terrorists and just plain old assholes.”

Comey promised the American public that just as soon as the FBI decided how to label the couple, other than aerated lumps of unrecognizable decaying flesh, he would let us know.

 

SeaWorld Phasing Out Becker Shows

ORLANDO – (CT&P) – The iconic Bruce Becker shows at SeaWorld Orlando’s park will soon be no more.

Amid ongoing public criticism and regulatory pressure, the amusement park announced that it will be phasing out its “theatrical” Becker show in 2016, and debut a new “Becker experience” the following year, one that promises a more “natural” setting.

“We start everything by listening to our guests and evolving our shows to what we’re hearing, and so far that’s what we’ve been hearing in Florida and across the country, they want experiences that are more natural and experiences that look more natural in the environment,” CEO Joel Manby told investors today, the Orlando Sentinel reported.

SeaWorld has recently been under tremendous pressure from animal rights activists and and environmentalists to release Becker back into the wild where he belongs.

“It’s not right to capture a wild animal and force him to perform tricks just to make a profit,” said Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA.

Manby said that beginning in 2017 Becker will be free to roam around in natural settings with other strange and exotic creatures. 

“We’ve been told by insiders that Bruce spends most of his time in a basement that’s been prone to flooding in the past, and he’s only brought out for people to gawk at when there’s a little money to be made.

“There are even rumors that before he’s brought out to perform, trainers shave his chest and back to make him “dolphin smooth” so he can move more rapidly through the water. It’s just heartbreaking.

“It’s cruel and unusual treatment even for a species as wild and unpredictable as Bruce. We feel such treatment is unconscionable, and we applaud SeaWorld’s decision to phase out the Becker shows.”

Manby told reporters this morning that starting in 2017, Becker will be free to roam the countryside with other weird and wonderful creatures. Films from those adventures will be shown to visitors at SeaWorld Orlando.

“It’s a pilot program and if the response is good, we intend to use it to free some of our other beasts, such as the shy and retiring Elmore fish, a creature that has not been seen in public for years,” said Manby.”

 

Desperate Carson To Lobotomize Another Set Of Twins On National Television

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”