Will Muschamp Leaves Auburn To Seek GOP Nomination

AUBURN – (CT&P) – Defensive coordinator Will Muschamp has announced that he will be resigning his post at Auburn in order to seek the GOP nomination for president.

Muschamp proved he was just as crazy as any GOP candidate when he lost his fucking mind in the fourth quarter of last night’s game

The announcement was made this morning at a press conference at what was left of Jordan-Hare Stadium after Alabama running back and Heisman shoe-in Derrick Henry laid waste to it last night.

“I feel the time is right for a run for president,” said Muschamp, as drool flowed out of the corner of his mouth. “The country needs a violent madman to lead it back to greatness, and I’m just the guy who can get it done!”

There was a general feeling of relief among Auburn players after they were told of Muschamp’s decision

Reince Priebus, head of the RNC, applauded the move.

“I think Muschamp will do very well in what is already a crowded field of unstable simpletons with anger issues,” said Priebus. “We welcome any candidate who is willing to go batshit crazy on national television. It really helps us shore up our psychotic base.”

Auburn Head Coach Gus Malzahn spoke to reporters while out shopping for a new “Gus Bus”

Auburn Head Coach Gus Malzahn, who was reached for comment as he searched Montgomery used car dealerships for a new school bus, told ESPN that he really did not care what Muschamp did.

“I really don’t give a damn what the idiot decides to do,” said Malzahn. “I think the last shred of his sanity left the field on Derrick Henry’s cleats.”

Malzahn told reporters that a he would start scouring nearby prisons and mental institutions for a new defensive coordinator on Monday.

 

 

 

Carson To Visit Refugees In Jordan

AMMAN – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and simpleton Dr. Ben Carson is visiting Jordan today in an attempt boost his foreign policy chops and prove to people he knows where it is, according to a spokesman within the Carson Campaign.

“I find when you have firsthand knowledge of things as opposed to secondhand, thirdhand, or fourteenth hand, it makes a much stronger impression,” Mr. Carson said in an interview before his departure, planned for late Thanksgiving Day on a charter aircraft.

“That’s why I never read any books other than the Bible. You just can’t be sure that anyone who writes something down knows what they are talking about. It’s much better to visit places, force your eyes open with toothpicks, and look around for yourself.”

Dr. Carson is expected to highlight the plight of refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a veterinary hospital. He is bringing dog biscuits and chew toys to distribute to the puppies.

Although aides to Dr. Carson said that the visit to Jordan was his idea, rumors persist that he was asked to go by the CIA as part of a plan to confuse our enemies in the Middle East.

Carson’s Secret Service detail will make the trip with him in order to protect him from terrorists hiding within the crowds of desperate refugees

“Our intelligence services feel that if Carson roams around the Middle East making incoherent speeches and whispering weird shit about the pyramids, ISIS and other terrorist groups will make the assumption that they have already won and quit trying to kill us,” said Mike Morell, former deputy director of the CIA.

“The idea is, once our enemies see how inept and ignorant our presidential candidates are, they’ll assume we are already on the road to ruin and they’ll redirect their effort to other targets.”

Dr. Carson is expected to wander around aimlessly in the Middle East for a few days before returning to make idiotic statements back here at home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a clinic and a hospital. He is bringing soccer balls and Beanie Babies to distribute to children.

 

Despicable Asshole Gains Support In Iowa

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and despicable asshole Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is vaulting into the Iowa caucus’ first tier of Republican candidates, a survey released Tuesday suggests.

A new Quinnipiac University poll shows despicable asshole Cruz taking 23 percent to pompous ass racist Donald Trump’s 25 percent among likely GOP caucus-goers. Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and dunce Ben Carson and man-child credit risk Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) stand at 18 percent and 13 percent respectively, with the field’s 10 other asshole candidates all polling at or below 5 percent.

Cruz’s support has risen 13 points since Quinnipiac’s survey of the race last month, mostly at the expense of Dr. Ben Carson, who has steadily lost support nationwide as he continues to make it abundantly clear that he has no idea what the fuck he is doing outside an operating theater.

Cruz, known to his congressional colleagues as “Turd” or “that giant asshole,” has gone full bore Nazi in order to pick up as many evangelical supporters as he can in Iowa and across the United States.

 

However, if he wins the GOP nomination, Cruz will have to do it without the support of his fellow GOP senators, who consider him to be the most despicable asshole who has ever entered politics.

 

“I consider Ted to be a dirty, filthy, despicable asshole,” said Senator John McCain, when asked about Cruz’s character.

“I wouldn’t piss on Ted Cruz if were on fire,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “He’s a putrid, festering, despicable asshole.”

Many members of the U.S. House of representatives feel the same way about Cruz.

In fact, former Speaker John Boehner once described Cruz as a “moldy, decomposing, rancid, unscrupulous, dishonest, despicable asshole.”

“The man is a walking hemorrhoid,” said Boehner.

Regardless of how his fellow politicians and most of the free world feels about Cruz, it is apparent that the Republican base in Iowa, which is heavily evangelical, thinks he just peachy.

Political pundits postulate that this is because they have been desensitized to despicable assholes after having been exposed to Representative Steve King (R-IA), a 24 karat asshole, for so many years.

 

Belgium Unable To Find Its Ass With Both Hands

 

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Belgian security forces have been unable to locate Belgium’s ass despite days of searches and dozens of raids on likely targets throughout the country, according to Prime Minister Charles Michel.

“We know our ass is around here somewhere, but we just can’t find it,” said Michel at a press conference this morning.

“I want to assure the Belgian people and citizens of the world that this does not mean that Belgian security is lax or that our intelligence services are in any way incompetent. It’s just that we can’t seem to find anything that might lead us to the current location of our own ass.”

Despite offers from French and U.S. intelligence services to help Belgium find its ass, Prime Minister Michel insists that Belgium can do it on its own.

“We don’t need anyone poking around Belgium looking for our ass. We’re perfectly capable of finding it on our own,” said the exasperated PM.

Bentley To Lead GOP Delegation To Raqqa

 

MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been named to lead a GOP delegation to Raqqa next month to meet with ISIS leaders in order to better coordinate the Republican Party’s response to recent terror attacks. Senator Jeff Sessions, (R-AL) will also be part of the delegation.

The delegation, made up of GOP governors and lawmakers, will sit down and try to iron out just how the party can better achieve the goals and ambitions of ISIS and other terrorist organizations around the Middle East.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus told CNN that although the Republican leadership felt like it had taken positive steps to cooperate and support ISIS by banning Syrian refugees entry to many states, and trying to shut down the refugee program completely in the U.S. House of Representatives, a lot more could be accomplished if politicians could sit down face-to-face with the terrorists and iron out a detailed plan for cooperation.

“We really want to foster hatred for all Muslims around the world and try our best to make this a Christianity vs Islam world war, and we feel the best way to do that is cooperate fully with ISIS and do their bidding as much as possible,” said Priebus.

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told Al-Jazeera that he was delighted that the goals of the Paris attack were being achieved and looked forward to working closer with Republican lawmakers.

“We named Governor Bentley and Senator Sessions to lead this delegation because they were the most bigoted assholes we could think of, and it sure doesn’t hurt that they’re from Alabama, given its history of racial prejudice and backwards-ass lawmaking.

“We wanted to get a few presidential candidates on the delegation but the only one dumb enough to volunteer was Dr. Ben “Mad Dog” Carson, but as it turns out his psychotherapist has not OK’ed him for overseas travel.”

The delegation is scheduled to fly into Baghdad and travel overland to Raqqa to meet ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and some of his most murderous lieutenants.

“I look forward to meeting some of America’s dumbest politicians, and building a long-term mutually beneficial relationship with these dirty, filthy pig-dogs,” said Baghdadi during an interview with Al-Jazeera.

“However, I would like to warn them not to smoke or insult the Prophet while in Raqqa or they will be burned alive or torn apart by wild dogs while we watch.”

The delegation is scheduled to arrive in Raqqa on December 23rd, just in time for Christmas.

 

 

 

Carson Advises Hostages To Rush Terrorists

 

MALI – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson called a press conference this morning to address the ongoing hostage crisis at the Radisson Blu Hotel in Bamako, Mali.

The hotel is the site of an ongoing terrorist attack and hostage situation. Latest reports state that there could be dozens of hostages still being held in the hotel and its environs.

Dr. Carson told reporters that the best thing the captives could do would be to “charge the terrorists.”

“If I were there I would get everyone together and charge the gunmen,” whispered Carson. “They might get some of us but we would overwhelm them. If anyone in that hotel can hear me, CHARGE!!!”

When a reporter pointed out that it might be unwise to rush terrorists that were equipped with automatic weapons and suicide vests Dr. Carson seemed to lose his train of thought and began waving his arms and blinking rapidly as he responded.

“When ants encounter a preying mantis they don’t sit around and let themselves be eaten,” said a semi-conscious Carson. “The Bible says that locusts help free the Israelites. We need to learn to be more like locusts if we’re ever going to defeat the terrorists.”

A security and terrorism expert interviewed on CNN after Carson’s press conference said that as usual Carson has no idea what the fuck he’s saying.

“Anyone who takes advice from this dude on anything, much less terrorism, needs to have his head examined, and not by Dr. Carson,” chuckled the expert.

Carson Advisers Terrified That He Could Actually Win

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Surging poll numbers in Iowa and across the country have made it clear that enough Americans are so mentally deficient that Dr. Ben Carson actually has a chance to win the GOP nomination for president.

The change in fortune for Carson has his advisers and close confidants plenty worried.

Responding to a calamitous interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday in which Carson appeared to be brain-damaged, longtime friend and adviser Armstrong Williams said, “We’re used to Ben making batshit crazy remarks about pyramids and Noah’s Ark, that’s par for the course with him, but his total ignorance on matters of national security and foreign policy is downright frightening. There’s just no telling what he would do in the White House besides putting up a velvet portrait of Jesus.”

“Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East,” said Duane R. Clarridge, a former CIA agent and top adviser to Dr. Carson on terrorism and national security. He also said Mr. Carson needed weekly conference calls briefing him on foreign policy so “we can make him smart.”

Carson’s closest advisers are worried that he could accidentally start World War III because he loves pushing buttons to see what they do.

“At this point I believe Dr. Carson poses a threat to the security of the United States,” continued Clarridge. “He’s possibly the dumbest son of a bitch to ever run for president.”

Advisers are particularly concerned with Carson’s habit of pushing buttons “to see what they do.”

A Carson campaign official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told Fox News that Carson could accidentally start World War III.

“The moron would more than likely just walk around the White House pushing buttons and whispering nonsense into the Hotline,” said the official.

“Most of us signed on to advise and assist Dr. Carson because we saw it as easy money. He has no idea how much he’s paying any of us anyway. But these polls are the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I had no idea there were so many idiots out there. It’s scary as hell.”

 

 

 

Aerated Terrorist Wishes He Never Heard About Allah In The First Place

 

PARIS – (CT&P) – Criminal mastermind and cheese-dicked cretin Abdelhamid Abaaoud told Wolf Blitzer on CNN this afternoon that if he knew what he knows now, he never would have become a terrorist in the first place.

“I wish I’d never heard of Allah, Muhammad, or all that other bullshit,” said Abaaoud, in between blood-curdling screams.

Blitzer reached Abaaoud by phone as he was enduring his first day of infinity in Hades.

Abaaoud, a dedicated member of ISIS, had expected 72 virgins in Paradise.

“Instead, I’m floating in this fucking lake of fire and having my flesh burned off over and over again,” groaned the filthy goat-fucking savage.

Police found Abaaoud’s body Wednesday in an apartment building in Saint-Denis, but it took some time to identify the 27-year-old using his fingerprints because very little of him was left. It was not clear how he died because portions of his limbs were blown off and he appeared to have been struck by about a million fucking bullets.

Three police officials have told The Associated Press that a woman who died in the same police raid Wednesday was Abaaoud’s cousin. One said the woman, Hasna Aitboulahcen, is believed to have detonated a suicide vest in the building after a brief conversation with police officers. It was not clear if she had any role in the attacks.

Ms Aitboulahcen, who was with Abaaoud in Hell during the phone interview with CNN, also regretted having in any way been associated with Islam.

“I could kick Abdelhamid’s well-done butt right about now,” she said. “That dickhead got me involved in all this shit to begin with. I expected a reward in Heaven and now I can’t even find my ass with both hands!”

Abaaoud is expected to finish up with orientation sometime this evening and will be looking forward to having a capsicum coated pineapple shoved up his ass every five minutes for the next week before descending deeper into the depths to receive some truly serious punishment.

Country Founded On Christian Principles Rejects Widows And Orphans

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.

The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.

Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.

“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.

Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.

Jeb Bush has proposed the formation of a new federal agency headed by Dick Cheney that would hang refugees by their thumbs until they admitted they didn’t love Jesus.

“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”

Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.

“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.

“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”

The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.

When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.

President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.

 

Satan Praises GOP Lawmakers

 

THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Satan made time in his busy schedule this morning to praise GOP governors, lawmakers, and presidential candidates for their swift condemnation of the Syrian refugee program over the last few days.

“There’s nothing I like more than a bunch of hypocrites,” said the Prince of Darkness, as he addressed a crowd of journalists gathered around the Gates of Hell.

“I just love it that these guys are rejecting widows and orphans from a war-torn land. It really warms the cockles of my heart, which were pretty fucking hot to begin with.”

Mephistopheles expressed his delight that Republicans had convinced a large portion of the American public, as well as some Democrat politicians, to support them in an effort to show the Christian Right’s true colors.

The Prince of Darkness had to cut the press conference short because he is scheduled to speak at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz this evening.

“Why do you think Heaven has so many vacancies and we’re always packed?” chuckled Lucifer.

“It’s because it’s always easier to talk a good game rather than live it. Heaven is about as sparsely populated as North Dakota for God’s sake, even with all that free advertising Jesus gets.

“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s easier to yell at some poor woman as she goes into Planned Parenthood to get a breast exam than it is to actually show compassion for the less fortunate. We count on that down here.”

Beelzebub cut the presser short, telling reporters that he had to hustle because he was attending a meeting with ISIS leaders today before duties as the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz early this evening.