God Crushes 12 Schoolgirls To Death Because He Is An All Loving Deity Who Works In Mysterious Ways

KABUL – (CT&P) -Twelve Afghan girls were crushed to death in a stampede of terrified pupils fleeing their school as a massive earthquake killed at least 300 people in Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan yesterday, Philip Sherwell, Asia Editor, Ali M Latifi in Kabul and Mohammad Zubair Khan in Islamabad report.

The death toll is expected to rise significantly as aid workers struggle to reach its epicenter in a remote region with poor communications in the Hindu Kush mountain range of north-eastern Afghanistan.

The tremor measured a 7.5 magnitude on the Richter scale, with its shock waves reaching as far away as the Indian capital New Delhi and unleashing panic in major Pakistani and Afghan cities.

The earthquake did, however, take place under a sparsely-populated region at an estimated depth of 130 miles, potentially limiting the number of casualties.

God offered no explanation for why he unleashed the killer quake and took the lives of hundreds of innocent people going about their daily routine. However, religious leaders in the United States postulate that he did it because the people who live in the region are filthy Muslims who don’t love Jesus.

Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club Show that God had his reasons for the mass slaughter, just like he has his reasons for letting three to five million children starve to death each year.

“We can’t be sure, but I’m betting that God is just fed up with a bunch of people who believe in the wrong holy book,” said Robertson, as his head lolled to one side and drool rolled down his chin.

“God works in mysterious and downright sadistic ways when it comes to those who don’t love Jesus. Just look at what he did to all those idol worshipers in Nepal and those voodoo freaks in Haiti. Those crazy Muslims better be glad all their daughters weren’t crushed to death or even drawn and quartered!

“No one likes to see innocent people turned into masses of protoplasmic jello, unless they’re gay of course, but it’s the price human beings have to pay when they don’t believe in the virgin birth or zombie Jesus.

“Like we always do here at the 700 Club we’re asking for donations to help the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan through this crisis. We plan on sending some barely functional highly indoctrinated white missionaries over there to tell these people just how fucked up their beliefs are. So, donate generously to our White Protestant Missionary Relief Fund so we can stop this from happening again.

Robertson guaranteed that at least 11% of all donations will go toward food and lodging for the dimwits slated to go to the region. The rest will be tied up in the purchase of racehorses and new timeshares for the 700 Club staff.

Weather Channel Warns Viewers That Heavy Rain Can Cause Flooding

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Anchors on The Weather Channel warned viewers in Texas and the southeast this morning that large quantities of water falling from the sky could possibly cause flooding.

Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion, anchor of the hit show America’s Morning Headquarters, a show that specializes in telling viewers what they already fucking know, told viewers that water, when coming down in fucking buckets from the leftovers of Hurricane Patricia, could conceivably cause problems for people in the path of the Biblical deluge.

“We like to err on the safe side and when possible induce as much panic as we possibly can,” said Champion, who, like the Weather Channel itself, is known for his brilliant grasp of the obvious.

Champion told viewers not to panic just yet but building six-foot dikes around their homes might be wise. He reassured his audience that The Weather Channel’s experienced personnel would be standing around in the rain reporting the same thing for hours on end for the duration of the apocalypse.

“We’ve called all the governors of the southeastern United States and warned them that water was coming, and water can cause all kinds of problems. We also let them know that we will be monitoring the situation closely, and we’ve sent out scores of barely functional reporters dressed in Weather Channel rain coats and hats to stand around in puddles and let us know just how wet the water is.

“You just can’t be too careful with water,” continued Champion, “as everyone knows, an American drowns in a bathtub, spa, or hot tub every day in America. Water is dangerous as hell and we should all be terrified of it.”

Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana told the Times Picayune that he was grateful for the warning.

“I for one am grateful for the Weather Channel,” he said, “I never would have noticed that it’s raining cats and dogs outside if I hadn’t watched Sam’s show this morning. I make it a habit to tune in every morning so I know whether the sun is shining or not.”

 

Village Idiots Endorse Carson

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson picked up an important endorsement yesterday from the International Brotherhood of Village Idiots and Miscreants Union after his prediction that Hillary Clinton would be behind bars for her role in the Benghazi fiasco.

Dullard Gumby, president of the International Brotherhood of Village Idiots, told CNN that Carson was the most qualified candidate to lead America somewhere.

“We thought it was high time we supported one of our own in the 2016 presidential race,” said Dullard Gumby, president of the union. “We share many of Dr. Carson’s values and he exhibits many of the traits that make us idiots unique; he makes weird predictions that never come true, he mumbles incoherently when asked questions about complex problems, and he makes stuff up out of thin air.”

The endorsement is one of several Dr. Carson has picked up in recent weeks.

After Carson proclaimed that “the End Times were nigh,” during a speech at the Value Voters Summit last month, he received the official endorsement of the Insecure Religious Kooks Association.

Only last week Carson picked up the support of the High School Dropouts and River Widener’s Club for his inability to tell the difference between Iran and Iraq.

Perhaps the most perplexing of the endorsements came from the Taliban this summer.

Carson supporters are known for their belief in imaginary friends and passionate support for irrational government policy.

Because of his insistence that America should become some kind of fascist theocracy along the lines of the current government in Iran, and his constant reminders to voters that God supports his candidacy, he became attractive to other groups that claimed divine inspiration.

“It’s not that important to us which religion he’s a member of” said Taliban field commander Mullah Muhammad Hasan Rehmani Skyhook, “just as long as he forces people to follow rules written by Iron Age cretins who didn’t know enough to wash their hands after defecating.”

Although the new endorsements will no doubt help Dr. Carson secure a win in Iowa, where dim-witted Republican voters share his weird outlook on world events, it is unclear whether they will help him win the GOP nomination.

“I have confidence in our voters,” said Reince Priebus, current chairman of the RNC. “There’s no way this dunce gets the nomination. Can you imagine Carson debating Clinton or Sanders? It would be a bloodbath.”

 

Jesus Distances Himself From Christian Right

ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.

The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.

“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.

“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.

“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.

“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.

“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”

Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!

“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”

 

Ben Carson Takes Two Weeks Off To Come Up With More Crazy Ideas

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.

An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.

“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.

The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.

The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.

“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.

“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”

Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.

“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”

Republicans Nominate Lamar Odom For Speaker Of The House

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that Republicans have convinced former NBA player and current vegetable Lamar Odom’s legal guardian to allow him to join a crowded field of candidates for Speaker of the House.

Odom, the former basketball star and ex-husband of Khloé Kardashian, is currently comatose at a Las Vegas hospital today, two days after being found unconscious at a Nevada brothel where he had been “partying” since Saturday.

The owner of the Love Ranch, a legal house of prostitution, told NBC News that the 35-year-old athlete had been using a sex stimulant, but it was unclear if that played a role in the medical emergency.

“He was taking herbal Viagra and he was taking a lot of it,” said Dennis Hof, claiming that no illegal drugs were found other than possibly the mysterious white residue that covered every flat surface of the room and the eight grams of crack cocaine found in Odom’s bloodstream.

Former teammates of Odom — who won NBA championships with the Los Angeles Lakers in 2009 and 2010 — were pulling for him to recover.

Jordan said that Carson’s recent comments convinced the Freedom Caucus that knowledge of history, science, or civics was not necessary for political success. “If an incoherent religious kook can garner this much support for the GOP presidential nomination, then a comatose speaker could be just the thing we need to push the entire country over the cliff,” said Jordan.

However, House Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (Neanderthal-OH) told CNN that he hopes Odom remains in his current condition so he can lead the GOP to victory by encouraging gridlock, government shutdowns, and credit defaults.

“Lamar is just what we need,” said Jordan.

“Everyone has seen how Ben Carson has risen in the polls. There’s just something about a brain-damaged black man who appeals to uneducated white voters. I think Mr. Odom will be very popular with our base of evangelical kooks and conspiracy theorists.

“We need someone who will stand up to the forces within our party who want to cooperate with the Democrat minions of Satan for the sole purpose of getting things done. We believe that Mr. Odom will help us deny food and health care to the poor while at the same time keeping women where they belong, in the kitchen or at church. Who cares if we shut down the government or default on our debt? The important thing here is for us to get our way, no matter what damage it does to the country.”

Conservative pundits on talk radio and Fox News applauded the move, with most in agreement that a Carson Administration combined with Odom as Speaker would usher in a new era of American politics reminiscent of the “good old days” before the Enlightenment ruined everything.

Relatives and friends of Odom told Fox News that they thought that Odom would be proud to serve as speaker and if he was able to think or speak he would praise Jordan and the Freedom Caucus’ decision to include him in the race. They also noted that Odom’s inability to move would no doubt help him overcome his problems with drug abuse and irrational behavior.

 

Carson Aide Reveals General Election Strategy

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – An aide to Republican presidential candidate and unhinged lunatic Dr. Ben Carson revealed his general election strategy should he do the unthinkable and win the GOP nomination. The aide spoke with Fox News desk tumor Sean Hannity on his radio show yesterday on condition of anonymity.

Hannity, a strong supporter of insane people who stumble into the public eye, asked the aide what kind of campaign Carson would run in the unlikely event he made it to the general election, where he would be going up against a Democrat candidate who has full use of her or his frontal lobes.

“Well Sean, we see that as a real problem,” said the mystery aide. “It’s one thing to garner support from an unhinged base who thinks America should be some kind of theocracy, but it’s another thing altogether to try to win over people who can actually reason.

“Our current strategy calls for Dr. Carson, if he wins the nomination, to remain mute for the entire general election. We just can’t take the chance that Ben will repeat his performance of last week while we try to convince normal people that he would make a sane president. I mean, did you hear some of the bullshit that came out of his mouth in the last few days? Jesus!”

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation and a myriad of mental disorders to become a viable candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

“But what about the presidential debates he would have to participate in?” asked a distraught Hannity.

“We think it would be best if Dr. Carson simply responds ‘no comment’ to any questions he’s asked on the campaign trail or during any of the debates. You just never know when he’s going to start talking about Hitler, bullet-riddled bodies, or make up some cock and bull story about Popeye’s.

“What if he starts talking about Satanic conspiracies involving fossils or dinosaurs on the Ark or any of that other crap he believes while he’s on national television debating Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders? It would be a disaster. He does fine when surrounded by other kooks, but he’s simply too unbalanced to be allowed to participate in a debate with a person who has an IQ over 75. No, we’re convinced his best bet is to mumble ‘no comment’ and then emit that weird laugh like he knows something everyone else doesn’t.”

The aide went on to tell Hannity that there was a long way to go before the general election, and Dr. Carson had his work cut out for him solidifying his base of paranoid conspiracy theorists, bigots, fundamentalist cretins, and other Tea Bagger dim wits making up the unhinged right-wing of the GOP.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do before the general,” said the aide, “so Dr. Carson will be able to enjoy himself by spouting all the nonsense he wants for quite some time before he’s force-fed a nice big cup of shut the fuck up.”

 

Republican Caucus Nominates Sepp Blatter For Speaker Of The House

 

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In an emergency meeting held early this morning house Republicans voted unanimously to nominate suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter for speaker.

Republican leaders hope that the nomination can calm the chaos precipitated by Kevin McCarthy’s withdrawal from the race.

McCarthy was seen by the Republican lunatic fringe Tea Bagger contingent as being too cooperative with rational politicians, whom they consider to be minions of Satan.

Jordan told Fox News that Blatter represents all the values of the Freedom Caucus and he looks forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship.

“Mr. Blatter has all the qualities we’re looking for in a leader,” said Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan.

“He’s greedy, mean-spirited, misogynistic, and is devoid of empathy for the less fortunate. We think he’ll do a fine job shutting down the government and completely fucking up the American economy. The main thing here is that we get our way. To hell with the rest of the country.”

Although Mr. Blatter is not a U.S. citizen and is currently the target of a criminal investigation, Jordan said that these were minor problems and may even be considered advantages in the upcoming vote.

“We need an outsider who has no experience in American politics or governance, and a person who is willing to go to any extreme, constitutional or not, to get things done,” said Jordan. “That’s what we Republicans are looking for in a president, and we think we should have a speaker to match.”

An aide to Mr. Blatter told Reuters that he was flattered by the nomination and as soon as he receives the agreed upon sum in unmarked bills he will be on a flight to D.C.

Carson Outlines His Foreign Policy: “We Need To Rush Vladamir Putin”

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a prayer breakfast held early this morning in a metro area Waffle House, Republican presidential candidate and unhinged religious wacko Dr. Ben Carson outlined what a Carson Administration’s foreign policy would look like.

“I would get together with European leaders at the next G-20 summit and rush Vladimir Putin,” said Carson.

“And after that, I’d encourage world leaders to surround President Xi Jinping of China and pummel him into submission. The only alternative is just to stand there as he picks us off one by one.”

Republican Freedom Caucus members and other kooks who attended the breakfast were impressed by Carson’s ideas and praised his intellectual approach to problem solving.

Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (Moron-OH) told Fox News after the early morning meeting that Carson offered a “fresh approach” to geopolitics.

“Carson is our country’s best hope for a bright future,” said Jordan. “His foreign policy ideas are fresh and exciting. We in the Freedom Caucus are sick and tired of cooperating with other countries. We should just insist on a course of action that we feel is right, and then worry about the consequences to our country later, sorta like what we do in congress.”

Carson is scheduled to attend a meeting of religious and political leaders of the Christian Right later today, where he is expected to unveil his domestic policy initiatives. They are said to include a massive federal sprinkler program that would protect the United States from the destruction of earth by fire during the End Times, which Carson believes is just around the corner.

McCarthy Uses Translator To Announce He Is Withdrawing From Race For Speaker Of The House

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Representative Kevin McCarthy on Thursday abruptly took himself out of the race to succeed John A. Boehner as House speaker, apparently undone by the same forces that drove Mr. Boehner to resign.

Mr. McCarthy used a translator to make himself understood as he announced his decision after a closed-door meeting with House Republicans in which he told them he was bowing out.

“I have decided that waffle iron football cannot be in the best interests of keeping Iran dress code maximum,” said McCarthy, which according to the translator meant that he was taking himself out of the race for speaker.

“Over last weekly it has become clearing to me and others that our conferences has been is deeply divisive and needs to unite behind one or more leaders. I have always positioned this conferences ahead of me, myself and I. Therefore I am withdrawing far away from my candidatecy for speaker of the House.

“I look forward to working with and alongside against my friendly colleagues to help move an important and carefully planned plan of our conference’s agenda and our countries forward to new heights that it used to attain and might again get there sometime soon if we all exist in cooperation and put our minds to it.”

“I regret that I have only one automobile to give to our country as it struggles with universal Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi,” concluded a confused looking McCarthy as he gazed dully at reporters.

The translator interpreted the statement as meaning that McCarthy was sorry that he fucked up but still believed that Hillary Clinton was the Antichrist and hopefully another House member would be able to prevent her planned takeover of America.

 As shocked members left the meeting and press conference there was a sense of total disarray, with no clear path forward and no set date for a new vote.

Representative Peter King, Republican of New York, told a reporter for The New York Times that “Now we’re really screwed. We look like a bunch of clowns, which is basically what we are. I’d like to strangle that fucking dumb ass!”

John Boehner was seen chuckling as he left the building, whisky sour in hand.