Saban Conjures Hurricane To Help Bama In Athens

TUSCALOOSA – (CT&P) – The Tuscaloosa News is reporting that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban held a satanic ritual at midnight last night in order to alter the path of Hurricane Joaquin. The ritual, which included the ceremonial drinking of bulldog blood, was held deep in the recruiting dungeons under the athletic office where SAT answer sheets are normally stored.

Sources close to the program are saying that Saban is “pulling out all the stops” to give the Tide at least a “snowball’s chance in hell” against the Bulldogs on Saturday.

The anonymous sources say that Saban feels that his strong defense, aided by hideous weather conditions, is the only hope for victory. So far the Tide’s anemic offense, led by malfunctioning cyborg Jake Coker, has been unable to generate much of anything against strong opponents.

According to the National Weather Service Joaquin’s predicted storm track did indeed mysteriously change during the night.

Dr. Greg Forbes, severe weather expert for the Weather Channel, said that computer models now have Joaquin taking a left turn and stalling over Athens for days before breaking up sometime early Sunday.

“It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Forbes.

Forbes told viewers that if Joaquin follows the new predicted track it has the potential to be as disastrous as the Great Ice Storm of 2014, which dumped as much as 1/100 of an inch of frozen precipitation on Atlanta roads, causing the entire city to be paralyzed for days.

“I really can’t explain why the storm is acting like this, but Georgia fans who plan on attending the game in Athens on Saturday should bring along their bass boats or inflatable rafts as a precaution. We just don’t know what will happen at this point,” said Forbes.

 

 

 

Over 700 Trampled To Death While In Route To Throw Rocks At Larger, More Substantial Rocks

MINA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that over 700 religious kooks were trampled to death and over 900 were injured yesterday in a stampede during the annual “stoning the Devil” ritual in the tent city of Mina, about two miles from Mecca.

Footage obtained by CNN Arabic shows a disturbing scene. Bodies piled upon bodies, a few moving, but most appearing lifeless. Workers in hard hats and reflective vests can be seen pulling dead bodies away to get to those who are still alive.

CNN Middle East correspondent John Small Berries told Wolf Blitzer this morning that the stampede was caused by cretinous religious pilgrims at the back of the line becoming impatient with the cretinous religious pilgrims at the front of the line.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of religious kooks travel to Saudi Arabia so they can throw rocks at a fucking wall.

“Apparently the idiots at the back thought that the idiots at the front were using up all the good rocks Wolf,” said Small Berries. “They just lost it and started crushing the folks up front in an effort to claim some choice rocks for themselves.”

The ridiculous ritual features crazy ass folks throwing pebbles at walls which is meant to simulate Abraham rejecting the temptation to spare his son Ishmael after the all-loving deity Jehovah instructed Abraham to murder him because the Good Lord was in a bad fucking mood that day.

The murder, which was called off at the last second, is for some weird reason considered something to celebrate by all three Abrahamic religions.

This is not the first time the “stoning of the Devil” concert has led to tragedy.

July 2, 1990 : A stampede inside a pedestrian tunnel (Al-Ma’aisim tunnel) leading out from Mecca towards Mina and the Plains of Arafat led to the deaths of 1,426 pilgrims, many of them of Malaysian, Indonesian and Pakistani origin.

May 23, 1994 : A stampede killed at least 270 pilgrims at the stoning of the Devil ritual.

April 9, 1998: at least 118 pilgrims were trampled to death and 180 injured in an incident on Jamarat Bridge.

March 5, 2001: 35 pilgrims were trampled to death in a stampede during the stoning of the Devil ritual.

Fox News called the stampede the worst religious loss of life since the 2007 Interstate 40 tragedy in Tennessee. In that fiasco, a busload of retired Baptists were jockeying for position with a van full of Methodists when both vehicles slammed into an SUV carrying a Christian Scientist heart attack victim to an emergency prayer circle. The Baptists and Methodists were reportedly racing each other to a nearby Kopper Kettle for after church chow. 367 innocent people were killed in the ensuing mayhem.

February 11, 2003: The stoning of the Devil ritual claimed 14 pilgrims’ lives.

February 1, 2004: 251 pilgrims were killed and another 244 injured in a stampede during the stoning ritual in Mina.

January 12, 2006: A stampede during the stoning of the Devil on the last day of the Hajj in Mina killed at least 346 pilgrims and injured at least 289 more. The incident occurred shortly after 13:00 local time, when a busload of travellers arrived together at the eastern access ramps to the Jamarat Bridge. This caused pilgrims to trip, rapidly resulting in a lethal stampede. An estimated two million people were performing the ritual at the time.

Safety precautions put in place by the Saudi government have so far been unable to stop the carnage year after year.

“Wolf, no matter what the Saudis do this kind of stuff is just going to happen,” remarked Small Berries. “These people just love to throw rocks. They’ll throw rocks at just about anything from an Israeli tank to an adulterous woman to a passing automobile. I have no idea what causes it, but there must be something in their genetic makeup that makes these cretins fire machine guns in the air and throw rocks at things, even inanimate objects.”

Although an investigation into the completely senseless deaths has been ordered by Saudi King Salman, no one expects anything to be done to prevent future bloodbaths.

You just can’t teach an old religion new tricks.

 

 

 

 

Leader Of Catholic Church Meets With Antichrist

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.

After the Pope left the White House the Antichrist dropped his clever disguise as a reasonable and intelligent human being.

Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.

“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.

No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.

Intellectuals within the Tea Party were the first to recognize that we had elected the Son of Satan to be our 44th president

“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”

For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.

 

 

Glenn Beck Reveals Ahmed Mohamed’s Co-Conspirator

IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.

“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.

Beck told his radio audience of over 3000 mentally deficient conspiracy theorists that this was the first time Bigfoot had surfaced since he teamed up with the Six Million Dollar Man in the late 70’s as part of a plot to discredit future President Ronald Reagan.

“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”

Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.

Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.

Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.

It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.

However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.

“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!

‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”

 

Irving, Texas Bans Digital Clocks

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.

The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.

“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at  collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.

Moronic schoolteachers and police mistook Ahmed’s clock for a Russian suitcase nuke smuggled into Irving by starving Central American toddlers during the last wave of illegal immigration, which nearly brought the entire nation to its knees.

“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”

Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.

Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”

Van Duyne, an ex-cheerleader and religious zealot who suffers from several severe mental disorders, has dedicated her life to eradicating anyone who does not love Jesus. She’s been called “an unstable and dangerous ignorant slut” by the Dallas Morning News editorial board.

“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”

Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.

“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”

PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.

 

 

 

European Union Threatens Sanctions After Watching Last Night’s Debate

 

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – The European Commission, the executive branch of the European Union, met in emergency session in Brussels this morning to discuss possible sanctions against the United States if it looks like a Republican might win the White House in 2016.

President Jean-Claude Juncker explained to journalists after the meeting that member nations were alarmed by what they saw on CNN.

“We all saw clips of the first debate on Fox News, and after a brief meeting we decided that is was just more of that organization’s propaganda,” said Juncker. “But after last night, it seems that the GOP is seriously proposing that one of these clowns should be president of the United States.

President Juncker declined to say what form the sanctions might take, but stressed that Europe would “do everything in its power” to prevent another dimwit from taking office.

“I was on the phone all morning long with panicked leaders from all over Europe, and I think I can speak for the entire continent when I say that we don’t want any of these fucked-up individuals to have the authority to launch nuclear weapons.

“Half of them are religious kooks and the other half don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Juncker, as he wiped sweat from his brow.

“We’d like to make it clear that this is not an indictment of the American people in general. We all have faith that the last thing Americans want is to put another hick in charge that will throw another land mass into chaos like Bush and that demon from hell Cheney did the Middle East. But we have to err on the side of caution and be ready to impose strict sanctions in the unlikely event that America loses its collective mind and tries to elect one of these idiots.”

President Juncker did not specify what form the sanctions might take, saying that the specifics were yet to be determined. However, he did say that European leaders would be “pulling out all the stops” to prevent the world from being subjected to another moron in the White House.

 

Sarah Palin Declared Legally Dead

BALTIMORE – (CT&P) – A team of distinguished physicians and Ph.D’s from Johns Hopkins who examined Sarah Palin during a recent trip to Baltimore has declared her legally dead.

While at Hopkins, Palin was subjected to a wide variety of tests including functional MRI, PET, EEG, and CAT scans, as well as a whole battery of other tests on her body and brain.

The leader of the team, Dr. Jay Baraban, a professor specializing in MicroRNA regulation of synaptic function, told CNN that the scientists found almost no electrical activity within Palin’s skull, indicating that Palin is basically a zombie.

“What we found was truly amazing,” said Baraban. “Ms Palin is basically a walking turnip. I’m amazed she has the ability to wipe her own ass.”

The team also found that Palin had little or no blood flow through her brain.

“The fMRI scan revealed that Palin’s brain is basically a fetid swamp,” said Dr. Jeremiah Cohen, an Assistant Professor of Neuroscience specializing in neural circuits for reward, mood, and decision-making. “I really don’t see how the woman can function at all. It’s no surprise to me that the bitch never makes any sense.”

The team’s findings are not legally binding, so no one should get their hopes up that Palin can be detained and placed in a facility where she can be studied for the freak of nature that she is. However, the proper authorities have been notified of her condition so she can be monitored until all her systems shut down or someone drives a spike through her head.

Glenn Beck’s Sanity Reaches “Tipping Point”

LOS ANGELES -(CT&P) – A team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and graduate level researchers from UCLA tasked with keeping tabs on right-wing nut jobs has released a statement saying that they believe talk show host Glenn Beck has reached the point where he could snap and break with reality at any moment.

Beck, a historical revisionist, conspiracy theorist, and all around delusional fuckwit, runs his own media company, and has long been a magnet for weak-minded members of society.

Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team at UCLA, told CNN that the mere fact that Beck has so many followers in the United States is alarming and does not bode well for the future of the country.

Beck has long been haunted by the idea that a space alien or Satanic demon has taken over his soul and is directing his actions. He has to constantly remind himself that he is indeed a human being.

“Beck is one crazy fuck,” said Bigboote. “He thinks the world is run by a combination of the Illuminati and some unnamed dark force that lurks just beyond the asteroid belt. He has a massive messiah complex, and when you combine that with his multiple conspiracy theories and fucked up interpretation of history, well, it makes for a volatile mixture.”

Dr. John Yaya and Professor John Small Berries, other members of the prestigious research team, agree.

“Beck spent an entire hour of his radio program interviewing Jonathan Cahn, a huckster of the highest order, about his “Mystery of the Shemitah” theory, which postulates that some massive calamity — possibly an economic meltdown, possibly a terrorist attack, possibly a natural disaster — is going to strike the United States on September 13,” said Dr. Yaya. “This kind of crap is better suited for some kind of steam punk comic book than serious television. It shows just how close Beck is to losing it.”

Beck, considered by most reasonable people to be a raving lunatic, became too unstable even for Fox News.

“That’s right,” said Professor Small Berries. “Beck thinks that America has reached some kind of ‘tipping point’ that will push us over into certain doom. The term is taking the dim-witted, weak minded evangelical crowd by storm. You can’t swing a cat without hitting the term ‘tipping point’ on the internet. These people truly believe that civil rights for all, marriage equality, and progressive ideas such as health care for the poor are going to lead to our destruction. They’re truly delusional.”

The UCLA team is set to publish their findings in next month’s edition of Psychology Today.

“Hopefully people will listen to us this time,” said Bigboote. “We accurately forecast Urban Meyer’s break with reality but University of Florida officials ignored our warnings, and look what happened; the Gators are having trouble defeating high school caliber opponents.

“Our sincere hope is that Beck can be institutionalized and get the help he needs so badly before something horrible happens to him or his loved ones. The sooner we get this fucking lunatic off the air the better.”

Carson Warns Jail Could Turn Davis Gay

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.

Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”

The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.

“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”

Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.

 

 

God Punishes Kim Davis For Being A Rebellious Bitch

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”

Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.

“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”

God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.

God told Blitzer that he plans on working through both guards and inmates in an attempt to get Davis’ “mind right” about obeying authority and gay marriage.

“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”

God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.

“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.'”

“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”

God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.