WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards announced a price increase this morning on all fetal tissue being sold by their 700 retail health and dissection centers located in the United States.
Richards emphasized that the increase only affects centers within the borders of the U.S., and that Planned Parenthood “black sites” in foreign countries can continue to set their own prices.
According to Richards, the across the board price increase was made in response to the increased demand for organs, umbilical chords, stem cells, amniotic fluid, and a variety of other fetal tissues caused by an amateurish video made by a deranged young man named David Daleiden.
According to Richards, some of Planned Parenthood’s biggest customers are voodoo priestesses in Haiti and Louisiana who combine amniotic fluid with caffeine to produce an energy drink called “Red Kid.”
“Demand has skyrocketed since Daleiden’s video was made public, so a price increase was the natural thing to do,” said Richards.
The video, which was pounced upon by Fox News, conservative radio hosts, Christian websites, and other questionable news outlets provides unequivocal proof that Planned Parenthood is an organization made up of Devil worshipers who sell unborn babies and their parts to the highest bidders.
“We could not have hoped to get this kind of publicity; not in our wildest, fever induced, Satanic dreams,” said Richards.
According to Richards the fetal tissue and body parts that Planned Parenthood sells go to a wide variety of buyers including medical schools, drug companies, research universities, secretive private laboratories in South America, 4-H clubs, secondary schools for use in high school science projects, witch doctors, terrorists, and wealthy cannibals tired of eating adult humans.
“We have a very broad customer base that we strive to keep happy,” said Richards. “Thanks to Daleiden’s video and all the publicity it’s caused we can cut back on advertising and entertainment expenses and expand our abortion factories so we can do away with even more potential humans. It’s been a real godsend.”
Richards told CNN that most fetal internal organs are sold to private laboratories located in remote mountainous regions of eastern Europe for ongoing research in reanimation.
Although Daleiden’s original purpose in making the video has apparently backfired, he is reported to be basking in his new-found fame.
“David is really enjoying all this,” said Daron Dimbulb, a close friend of Daleiden’s who is also obsessed with controlling women’s reproductive organs. “He never thought he would be the object of so much praise from our country’s apparently unlimited population of morons. He really looks forward to being salivated on by Sean Hannity when he goes on his show next week.”
Richards told CNN that although no more price increases are currently being considered, if demand continues to increase all bets are off.
“With the help of Our Lord and Savior Mephistopheles, we’ll be able to convince more poor young girls to get knocked up so we can rip more children out of uteruses all across the country,” said Richards. “Otherwise we’re just going to have to jack prices again. It’s a no lose situation for us.”
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 