Chris Christie Announces He Will Be Lumbering For President

LIVINGSTON, N.J. – (CT&P) – Governor Chris Christie declared his candidacy for president here on Tuesday in a 20-minute speech full of New Jersey-style swagger, vowing that as president, “there is one thing you will know for sure: where I stand on every issue, because I am physically impossible to miss.”

Mr. Christie, a two-term governor, offered himself up as a teller of difficult truths, who would never shy from making the kind of painful dietary choices required in the White House — even, he said, if “what I eat makes you cringe every once in a while.”

Christie’s candidacy marks the first time a sauropod ran for president since William Howard Taft did in 1908

“We must tell each other the truth about the problems we have and the difficulties of the solution,” he said outside a gymnasium here at the high school where he was once class president.

Taking swipes with his tail at his Republican rivals in the Senate, Mr. Christie said there would never be doubts about his ability to perform the job of president, once the White House was enlarged to contain his incredible bulk.

The announcement marks the first time that a sauropod has run for president since William Howard Taft’s successful campaign in 1908.

However, Christie will not be the only extinct species running for the Republican nomination.

There are several Neanderthals, two Australopithecines, three Homo erectus, one Homo rubiofensis, one Homo religulous and one candidate that is the last member of his species known to be alive, Trumpus pompousus, or “Asshole Man.”

The nearly extinct Trumpus pompousus or “Asshole Man” surprised many pundits with his impressive poll numbers in New Hampshire

The rest of the field is made up of bipedal hominids with varying levels of rudimentary intelligence.

Pundits and odds makers in Vegas have given Christie a one in ten chance of winning the nomination, but at this early stage anything can happen.

Republican strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “If Christie manages to get any momentum he will be hard to stop because of his massive bulk and complete lack of any moral standards. The other candidates would do well to stay out of his way, particularly if there is any food involved.”

Christie is expected to appear sometime this week for an hour-long ass-kissing extravaganza on the Sean Hannity show where a salivating and sexually aroused Hannity is expected to fawn over the candidate like he does every other dumbass fascist he comes across.

Miss Muslima 2014 Vaporized In Mosul

MOSUL – (CT&P) – Miss Muslima 2014, Fatma Ben Guefrache of Tunisia, was turned into a red mist over the weekend while modeling the latest styles of suicide vests for ISIS jihadis on leave in Mosul.

The model, housewife, and some time sex slave was in Mosul as part of the Annual Suicide and Car Bomb Expo sponsored by the Mosul Chamber of Commerce at the behest of the Islamic State.

A spokesman for the chamber of commerce told Al Jajeera that everyone regretted the unfortunate “wardrobe malfunction” that resulted in over 27 deaths, including that of the model.

Miss Muslima was modeling some of the most popular new models of fall suicide wear in preparation for the new campaign.

“We’re really sorry this happened,” said Omar Abdullah Assad Skyhook.

“We had hoped to use Miss Guefrache’s good looks to infiltrate a United Nations meeting in New York or the NATO headquarters building in Brussels. This was a waste of good material, and we lost some very promising young recruits in the bargain.
“Everyone knows we don’t value human life, least of all women, but I can assure you that the wardrobe manager will be severely reprimanded for putting live explosives in the vest.”

A memorial service for Guefrache is scheduled for Wednesday at Our Lady of the Headless Infidel Mosque in Tikrit. The few remaining parts of Miss Guefrache will be washed and buried on Thursday somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

America In Ruins; Christians To Be Interned Next Week

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The United States was destroyed once again last week, marking the 9th time the country has been completely obliterated since Obama was first elected president.

Our once proud nation now stands in ruins after two supreme court rulings, one guaranteeing health care to the poor, and another assuring marriage equality for all our citizens. The rulings have had the effect predicted by so many religious kooks across country; cities are burning, livestock are running off cliffs, there has been a complete breakdown of social order with riots in every major American city, and dogs and cats are sleeping together.

The anti-Christ socialist Muslim dictator masquerading as president hailed the two decisions as “another step toward the complete destruction of mankind” that he has sought since first being elected in 2008.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told the White House press corps this morning that the decisions and the resulting chaos is giving the administration the opportunity to round-up troublesome minority groups so they can be “dealt with” at some future date.

Christians are reported to be fleeing to Mexico by the tens of thousands in order to escape a country where poor people are provided health care and marriage equality is the law of the land.

“The president has ordered the military to detain anyone self-identifying as a Christian,” said Earnest. “Over the next week or so these people will be escorted to the secret internment camps we’ve been building under every Walmart Supercenter across the United States. They will be given the choice of attending re-education facilities in the desert or they can choose to be resettled in the homes of a new generation of liberal socialist gay couples and spend the rest of their lives as powerless house servants.”

“We’ve asked the NSA to gather information about anyone who has ever attended church so we can assess what we need to do about the huge mass of people who formerly called themselves Christians but now suddenly don’t have the courage of their convictions.”

Reaction to the announcements has come quickly as tens of thousands of Americans are pouring across the Mexican border seeking the protection of the Mexican government and the Catholic Church.

Mike Huckabee, former minister, former presidential candidate, and current wingnut was asked to comment as he boarded a flight in Little Rock bound for South America.

“Just as I predicted, America is over,” said a nervous Huckabee, as he glanced around the terminal in fear.

“Christians are just not used to seeing this level of compassion and empathy in their government. We’ve lived in fear of this day for decades. Everyone knows the government is not supposed to follow the teachings of the New Testament! Our only hope is that this is the beginning of the End Times when Jesus comes back and slaughters all the non-believers and leaves the entire earth a smoking ruins. Now I have to haul ass. God bless and good luck.”

 

Religious Right Hospitalized After Choking On Compassion And Equality

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. Religious Right has been hospitalized in the nation’s capital today after a week-long assault by liberal thugs on the side of hope, compassion, and equal treatment under the law. Physicians say his condition is stable and are confident that he will pull through.

“Mr. Right is a resilient soul who has had to make adjustments in the past when it became apparent that his Neanderthal views on women’s suffrage, civil rights, and interracial marriage were about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of George Washington Hospital, who is caring for the stricken Right.

“So we think that Mr. Right will eventually come around and join the majority of people in the country who are actually fine and decent human beings.”

The attacks on Right came hot and heavy throughout the week, with the removal of his beloved Confederate battle flag from state capitals and two supreme court decisions regarding health care for the less fortunate and marriage equality for all citizens being shoved into the yawning chasm of his mouth and down into his esophagus.

Dr. Lizardo told reporters that he was unsure how long Mr. Right was deprived of oxygen, but he felt that there was little damage done to Right’s brain.

“His brain is actually more similar to that of a reptile than a human being,” said Lizardo, “and we all know that many reptiles can go a long time without fresh air. So, I think he’ll be OK in the long run and go on to lead a somewhat normal life, albeit in the shadows of a more progressive and enlightened society.”

Mrs. Religious Right has been at Mr. Right’s bedside since he was admitted to the hospital, but she has declined to speak with reporters because she knows she was put on earth to be a helpmate to her husband and keep her mouth shut, which is why she was unaffected by the tsunami of good news this week.

Satan Delighted With Supreme Court Ruling

THE RIVER STYX – (CT&P) – According to sources close to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld is absolutely delighted with the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters this afternoon that “His Majesty could not be happier. He hasn’t quit smiling since the decision was announced. In fact, he’s given all us demons three days off in order to celebrate.

“I honestly can’t remember Lucifer being this happy since the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, he just sat there and laughed his ass off when all those hypocritical religious kooks on the right starting Tweeting their responses. He thought it was a riot.”

Former Pastor Fred Phelps, seen here having a pineapple inserted into his rectum, is to be the guest of honor at a party in Hades tonight.

When Balthazar was asked what Beelzebub’s immediate plans were in light of the decision, the press  secretary explained that it would really just be more of the same.

“We plan to send some extra demons up to possess some more religious and political figures so we can give people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee a hand spewing their hate filled rhetoric, and we also want to encourage self-righteous assholes like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson to keep up the good work!”

When a reporter asked if Satan had any plans to try to capture right-wing Christian souls and drag them down to Hell, Balthazar said “Are you kidding, they’re already doing such a great job damning themselves I really don’t see how we could make things any better.”

Balthazar said that “The Boss” was so damn happy that he’s throwing a party tonight and the guest of honor will be former Pastor Fred Phelps.

“Rumor has it that we’re all going to get a turn ramming a red-hot poker up his ass,” said Balthazar. “I can’t wait.”

Gigantic Scrotum On Collision Course With Earth

HONOLULU – (CT&P) – Less than one hour after the Supreme Court issued its ruling on marriage equality, astronomers at the Maui Space Surveillance Site detected a huge asteroid hurtling towards earth.

The scrotum-shaped rock is roughly the size of Texas and is traveling about 30 kilometers per hour. Scientists have calculated that the asteroid will strike somewhere near the geographic center of the lower 48.

Officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed the siting and told CNN that the asteroid is weird in that it appears to be piloted by a 2000 year-old dude of Middle Eastern descent with a beard and flowing robes.

On May 1st, End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles warned his unbalanced and bigoted audience that just this thing was going to happen. When reached for comment Wiles said “I told you so! This is what happens when you offer health insurance to the poor and let gay people get married. God is angry and is going to cleanse America of sin with this flaming fireball of divine justice.”

The Right Reverend Franklin Graham, who called for “spiritual warfare” against pro-gay businesses recently, told Fox News that he didn’t quite expect such a rapid response from the all-loving deity, but was happy to see it just the same.

“I think it’s great that God has decided to immolate the United States,” said Graham. “When you go against the teachings of old book written before we knew that our own excrement should not be disposed of in our water supply, bad things happen.”

Reverend Graham was later seen preparing to abandon his flock and get the hell out of the United States on his private jet.

Some religious leaders expressed disappointment that Alaska and Hawaii had apparently been spared the destruction, but they all rejoiced when JPL announced they had detected a giant penis-shaped comet aimed at Anchorage and a huge cloud of space debris resembling a vagina speeding towards the Pacific island chain.

 

 

 

 

Chinese Hackers Disappointed With Fed Workers’ Sex Lives

BEIJING – (CT&P) – Chinese government officials, speaking on condition of anonymity lest they be arrested and executed, told Xinhua, the People’s Republic official press agency, that so far the treasure trove of data gleaned in the recent hack of U.S. Office of Personnel Management has yielded little useful information.

The cyber breach, which affected the data of nearly 18 million former, current, and prospective government workers is apparently almost four times greater than what the government originally announced.

FBI Director James Comey gave the 18 million estimate in a closed-door briefing to Senators in recent weeks, using the OPM’s own internal data, according to U.S. officials briefed on the matter. Those affected could include people who applied for government jobs, but never actually ended up working for the government.

Ace Chinese hacker ‘Dragon Scrotum’ told the Chinese News Service that Americans were about the most sexually repressed people he had ever hacked. “It was so boring I had trouble staying awake,” he said.

Despite the huge numbers of individuals affected, Chinese generals have so far been really disappointed with the quality of the information obtained, calling it “boring” and “unfit for blackmail purposes.”

A Chinese hacker known as “Dragon Scrotum” told the Chinese News Service that his superiors were shocked by the lack of creativity and adventure shown in American worker’s choice of porn, among other things.

“Americans have many sexual hang-ups,” said Dragon Scrotum. “They talk a good game, but about the most exciting thing they do is switch positions every once in a while. There were some interesting websites involving barnyard animals, but as far as we could tell these guys just stare longingly at goats and sheep and stuff and never do anything about it.

“There were a few illicit office relationships that we stumbled across, but nothing as exciting as the ones involving Bill Clinton, and hell that’s old hat. About the best we could do was turn over some e-mail exchanges between mail carriers that said things like ‘I can’t wait to go postal on you after work today baby!’

“I’m told our leaders hope to use it to disrupt mail service in the D.C. area.”

KKK Campaign Fails To Meet Recruitment Goals

CHARLOTTE – (CT&P) – Ku Klux Klan officials held a press conference this morning to express their disappointment with the low numbers of young people signing up to join the organization during their latest recruiting drive, currently going on across the Bible Belt and for some weird reason in California as well.

The presser took place inside an abandoned Duke Energy toxic coal ash dumping site along a formerly pristine river in Pelham, North Carolina. Apparently it was the only location in which the officials felt safe enough to talk to the media.

KKK officials are at a loss to explain why they can’t recruit more young people to participate in horrific hate-filled programs such as the Black Church Immolation Jamboree and their Summer Genocide Camp for high school students.

“We just don’t understand the anemic response,” said Billy Joe Polyp, Grand Imperial Anus of the South Carolina Chapter. “We took great pains to put gluten-free candy in with all our flyers we distributed under the cover of darkness over the last few nights. We thought for sure that the candy would overcome young people’s nausea and disgust with what we actually had to say in our propaganda. It’s a real mystery.”

The propaganda, stuffed into plastic baggies with pieces of peppermint and Tootsie Rolls and hurled onto people’s lawns during the early morning hours, included a phone number for the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. The fliers were distributed in California, Kansas, Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

It’s not something local police departments are taking lightly, and some have even reached out to the FBI for assistance. The Rockdale County sheriff’s department in Conyers, Georgia collected more than 80 fliers and is investigating whether anyone can be charged with criminal trespass or littering.

“Whether it was a joke or from an organization doesn’t matter to me,” Sheriff Eric Levett told The Daily Beast. “The fact that it was done during this time is ignorant and cowardly. We take this seriously and I’ve even ordered that we curtail some of our dog-killing patrols in order to work on this problem.”

Robert “Asswipe” Jones, Imperial Buttplug of the Royal White Numbnuts of North Carolina, told CNN that he was “damn proud” of Dylann Roof for standing up for fucked up morons all over the country.

A message on the hate-spewing hotline, based in North Carolina, salutes 21-year-old Dylann Roof, who was charged with murder for the killing nine people in Charleston. Roof penned a incoherent racist manifesto before the June 17 mass shooting and wanted to start a “race war.”

“We in the Loyal White Knights of the KKK would like to say hail victory to … Dylan S. Roof who decided to do what the Bible told him,” a man chirps in the recording. “Jesus is on our side! Why, he even wore a sheet! An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. They [black people] have spilled our blood too long. It’s about time someone spilled theirs.”

“If it ain’t white, it ain’t right,” the message concludes. “White power!”

Robert “Asswipe” Jones, of the Royal White Numbnuts in North Carolina, told The Daily Beast that the Klan is undergoing a national recruitment drive that coincidentally started around the time of the South Carolina murders.

“We’re doing this from the East Coast to the West Coast, just to let people know that the Klan, like a cancerous tumor that just won’t go away, is still in their community,” said Jones, the grand dickhead of the hate group based in Pelham, N.C. “Especially with all the stuff that’s in the news—in South Carolina they’re wanting to take the confederate flag down.”

KKK officials postulated that the demographic they are targeting is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics to join the Klan at this time.

Jones told The Daily Beast that he supports Roof’s crime, but preferred that he “shot the correct people,” such as minority drug dealers rather than churchgoers.

“It’s a racial war against our people,” Jones said. “The more the media pushes modern and progressive ideas down our throat, the more you’re going to see killings like this.”

Although the KKK leaders remain disappointed with the results of the recruiting drive up to now, they plan to redouble their efforts in the weeks to come.

“We don’t give up our archaic, savage, and inhuman beliefs very easily,” said Jones, as he removed a tick from his scrotum. “We think that maybe our target demographic is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics at this time to spend time with us burning down black churches and intimidating people who didn’t just walk out of the Middle Ages. But we ain’t gonna let that discourage us. The South will rise again and so will the Klan, just like a painful pus-filled boil on the ass of America!”

 

War On Christianity Heats Up

CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.

It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.

This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.

Any idiot who studies the facts can tell that Christianity is threatened in the United States. Roof represents the tip of the spear of an all-out attack on religion that threatens the very foundations of our great country.

Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.

It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.

As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.

Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”

“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”

Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.

“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.

Without the fine investigative work done by the Fox News team, no one would have ever known about the mass killings of Christians going on all over the Bible Belt.

“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”

Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.

“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”

Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.

Al Jazeera’s Fall Lineup Sure To Be A Big Hit With Arabs Who Are Still Allowed To Watch TV

DOHA, QATAR – (CT&P) – Corporate executives from Al Jazeera announced their fall lineup of reality shows last week at a press conference overseen by a squad of imams and other experts on the fucked up system of archaic rules and regulations known as sharia law.

The lineup includes some innovative and progressive shows that make a bold departure from the usual programming of beheadings, immolations, and riots protesting the existence of Israel and the “Great Satan.”

“We think that our fall lineup will be a big hit with Arabs who live in areas that are not seething masses of perpetual  religious hatred,” said Ahib Skyhook, vice president of content for the network.

Al Jazeera hopes to pump up its ratings by offering something new rather than the continuous rounds of torture and executions. “That’s so last year,” said Skyhook.

“In those countries that have not been decimated by civil war and sectarian violence, the shows will be a welcome respite from the constant feeling of impending doom caused by our adherence to a religion that makes about as much sense as Mormonism or Scientology.

“We look forward to excellent ratings in those territories where people are actually allowed to view television broadcast without fear of being stoned to death.”

Skyhook didn’t reveal the entire lineup, because he said that Muslims love surprises almost as much as they love car bombs. However, he did give us a glimpse of what to expect:

Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip-Follow the fun as Palestinian housewives try desperately to find enough food and water to sustain their families while dodging Israeli cluster munitions and horny Hamas soldiers bent on having good time.

Sex Slaves Gone Wild-Airhead female recruits from Europe give ISIS militants a taste of western culture.

Fully Clothed and Terrified-Each week a man and woman are dropped off in no man’s land along the Syrian border with Iraq and are asked to survive for three days while avoiding bloodthirsty militias, deadly scorpions, and Allied air attacks.

Stupid Kurd Tricks-Mayhem ensues when wild and crazy Kurds balance on speeding SUV’s and do somersaults on angry camels.

Goat Dynasty will offer an intimate look inside the lives of ignorant Arab rednecks as they have sex with animals and preach the gospel of Muhammad.

Dead Sea Shore–Brain dead young people from the deep desert raise hell in expensive beach resorts.

Dancing with Death-Celebrity contestants perform live dance routines in minefields along the Golan Heights.

Pimp My Burqa-A spin-off of the wildly popular Pimp My Camel. Oppressed women get to spruce up their heavy black garments with sequins and extra-large eye holes.

The Good Harem–A bevy of gorgeous concubines deal with a life full of existential threats.

 19 Wives and Counting-A henpecked oil sheik tries to keep the peace in a 200 room palace.

Goat Dynasty–Illiterate shepherds try to sell milk and cheese on the street why extolling the virtues of jihad.

Syria’s Got Talent-Contestants compete in a variety of tasks including bomb-making, sniping, and sewing stylish suicide vests.

Deadliest Snatch-Militiamen take their chances with hookers in Tikrit who have been infected by the CIA.

Pimp my Burqa is a spin-off of the popular Jordanian show Pimp My Camel.

So You Think You’re a Killer–Raw ISIS recruits prove their value by using bayonets on infants and gay people.

Survivor Mosul–Surrounded and out of supplies, terrorists must live by their wits as Iranian militiamen close in.

The Jihadi Bachelorette–A beautiful and bloodthirsty bitch chooses from a group of lice ridden Neanderthal throwbacks who haven’t washed in weeks.

The Apprentice Bomb Maker–A beginner tries to retain his hands while working with sweating sticks of TNT.

The Amazing Race For Your Fucking Life–Syrian refugees battle heat, dehydration, and Allied drones while trying to escape to Turkey.

Bad Concubine’s Club-Misbehaving mistresses wreak havoc all over the desert.

These are just some of the exciting shows that Al Jazeera has on tap for the fall.

Skyhook told CNN that the network feels confident about their success, so long as no one sets off a nuke during Ramadan and ruins the fun for everyone.