Huckabee Misplaces Mind; Encourages Future Presidents To Rule By Divine Right

HELENA, MONTANA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop at a nuclear weapons supply depot in northern Montana earlier today, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee temporarily lost his mind.

The Huckabees in happier times before son David slaughtered the family dog and offered it as a burnt offering to Jehovah.

While being interviewed by Mike Wallace on Fox News Sunday, Huckabee seemed to drift off into his own world and began advocating a return to the “divine right of kings” exercised by monarchs during the Middle Ages.

 

Arguing against marriage equality, Huckabee claims as president he would not be bound by decisions issued by the Supreme Court if they violate commandments issued by the “Supreme Being.”

Huckabee has long been in favor of turning America into a theocracy with a religious zealot in charge to enforce the laws of God. Here he is seen practicing his speeches while looking in the mirror just like Hitler and other insane tyrants used to do.

Huckabee, tried to argue that the president of the United States would not have to follow a potential Supreme Court ruling favorable to same-sex marriage because the Supreme Court was not the “Supreme Being.”

“I respect the courts, but the Supreme Court is only that — the supreme of the courts,” said Huckabee. “It is not the supreme being. It cannot overrule God. When it comes to prayer, when it comes to life, and when it comes to the sanctity of marriage, the court cannot change what God has created.”

Huckabee then began humming “What A Friend We Have In Jesus” as his eyes glazed over and saliva dribbled out of the left corner of his mouth.

As Wallace tried to end the ill-fated interview Huckabee became agitated and screamed “God hates fags!” over and over again before he eventually fell over and became unresponsive. He was later removed by aides and transported to a local hospital for evaluation.

European Law Enforcement Experts To Speak At Cop Convention

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Alarmed over public outrage after a series of incidents in which innocent civilians and their canines have been brutally murdered by crazed cops, leaders of the National Fraternal Order of Police have announced that they are bringing in speakers from civilized countries in western Europe to lead seminars at next fall’s FOP convention in Miami.

The seminars will outline basic policing techniques used in countries where police officers do not routinely shoot dogs for no apparent reason, fill 92-year-old grandmothers with lead when they raid the wrong house looking for a joint, shoot fleeing unarmed black men in the back multiple times, or leap atop automobiles and fire 137 rounds into a couple on their way to get supper at McDonald’s.

Matthews told Sean Hannity not to worry because popular seminars like “How To Kill An Unarmed Nigger and Get Away With It” would still be taught on a regular basis.

“We need to work on our image a little bit,” said Buford “Civil Rights Violation” Matthews, current president of the FOP. “We thought that if we bring these guys in from countries where they don’t just out-and-out murder unarmed suspects, we could play that up and act like we actually give a shit about the people we’re hired to ‘protect and serve.'”

Matthews told Fox News host Sean Hannity that although no officer has ever done anything wrong in the history of law enforcement, public image is what counts, and right now the general public for some insane reason just does not have the confidence it once had in its local police forces.

Hannity agreed, but expressed concern over the FOP bringing in Marxist revolutionaries from communist countries such as Great Britain, Denmark, and Belgium.

“Can we really trust countries that provide health care to poor people?” asked Hannity.

Matthews soothed Hannity’s fears by telling him no one would take the speakers seriously, and popular seminars such as “How To Properly Lead A Fleeing Unarmed Suspect With A Glock,” and “Where Do I Aim To Safely Dispatch A Standard Poodle?” and “How To Properly Insert A Broomstick Into A Suspect’s Anus” would not be discontinued.

“Don’t worry Sean, we have no intention of changing our modus operandi,” said Matthews. “After all, we have to take our sexual frustration out on someone. In today’s modern society with the threat of ISIS showing up in overwhelming numbers all over the United States, it’s just not enough to go home and beat our wives all the time. We have to express our insecurity problems somehow, and once the right-wing gets around to outlawing the filming of cops on duty, well then, we can really get back to using some time-tested methods of brutality!”

Badgers?

Pouring My Art Out

We don’t got to show you no stinkin’ badgers…

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Islamic State Leaders Rave Over New Real Estate Acquisitions

BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State Supreme Leader and insane asshole Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told CNN today that the ISIS leadership was “absolutely delighted” with their recent real estate acquisitions and couldn’t wait to get down to some serious looting, pillaging, and wholesale destruction of priceless artifacts.

“We are really happy with our recent purchases in Ramadi and Palmyra,” said al-Baghdadi, who sported a stylish infidel dried ear necklace for the interview. “I just can’t wait to see what our architects and interior designers are going to do with our new properties.”

Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his troops were really looking forward to some serious goat fucking in Ramadi’s world-famous brothels.

Omar Abdul-Fattah al-Sphincter, Islamic State Head of Housing and Urban Development, who was also interviewed, said “We’re going to do great things with Palmyra. We just can’t wait to level all those blasphemous infidel ruins and put up tents and shacks to house our troops, and Ramadi, with its world-famous goat brothels, well that was a real bargain!”

Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer that his troops were really looking forward to some down time after the intense 15 minute battle required to run off Iraqi and Syrian regular army forces, which outnumbered the jihadis ten-to-one.

“My boys have barely had time recently to rape and kill innocent women and children because they’ve been so busy with beheading, throwing homosexuals off buildings, and roasting people alive,” said Baghdadi. “I know they’re really looking forward to fucking some of those sexy goats in Ramadi and relieving some stress by destroying the priceless ancient ruins over in Palmyra.”

Almost every decent person on the planet has been shocked and disgusted by the actions of the Islamic State, and are clamoring for their governments to stop the wholesale destruction and slaughter. However, despite the fact they possess enough firepower to destroy the earth ten times over, Coalition partners and Arab states around the region have not come up with any coherent plan to stop the religious fanatics.

 

 

 

Mr. Anonymous Denies Claims Of Spousal Abuse; Threatens To Kill Everyone

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News host and giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly has flatly denied recent claims that he abused his wife and kids by dragging them around by the neck and screaming at them when they disagreed with him. He also denied calling them pinheads, adulterers, bitches, freeloaders, and gold-diggers while holding their heads underwater and yelling “I am the one true God and you shall worship me!”

Earlier this week court documents revealed that O’Reilly (referred to as Mr. Anonymous in the documents) water boarded his wife on a regular basis and used a car battery to deliver electric shocks to his two daughters whenever they disagreed with one of his political or philosophical positions.

Artist’s rendering of O’Reilly as he sees himself.

“All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false,” O’Reilly told Politico on Tuesday. “I have always been 100% correct on everything I have ever done as a husband, father, and person. I am in fact infallible, and perfect in every way. Jesus ain’t got nothing on Bill O’Reilly! I’m God’s gift to women and the American people. Without me, western civilization would collapse.”

 

O’Reilly as he appears to most Americans

“I want everyone to know that if all this criticism in the media continues, I’m going to kill every last person in the United States!” said O’Reilly as he foamed at the mouth. “Fuck you unappreciative assholes!”

Although O’Reilly continued to rant and rave throughout the custody battle about the liberal media and the hidden conspiracy of “pinheads” arrayed against him, the judge awarded custody of his two daughters to O’Reilly’s former wife Maureen McPhilmy.

“That asshole should never have been allowed to reproduce in the first place,” said the judge.

 

 

 

Commie Cities Risk Societal Collapse By Raising Minimum Wage

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – The nation’s second-largest city voted Tuesday to increase its minimum wage from $9 an hour to $15 an hour by 2020, in what is perhaps the most significant victory so far for labor groups, Marxists, and America haters who are engaged in a national push to raise the minimum wage and destroy the country.

The increase, which the Leninist city council passed in a 14-to-1 vote, comes as workers across the country are rallying for higher wages and several large companies, including Facebook and Walmart, have moved to raise their lowest wages.

Senator Tom Cotton said that the minimum wage was a Commie plot that threatened to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. “Once we invade Iran and Russia we’ll have plenty of lebensraum for these poor people to farm. They should just be patient,” he said.

Several other cities, including San Francisco, Chicago, Seattle and Oakland, have already approved increases, and dozens more are considering doing the same. In 2014, a number of Republican-leaning states like Alaska and South Dakota also raised their state-level minimum wages by ballot initiative.

The move was met with alarm by right wingers and capitalist pigs on Wall Street and in Congress.

“Raising the minimum wage would cause a huge stream of filthy illegal aliens entering the country once again,” said Rick Perry. “We’re much better off keeping the inner cities cesspools of poverty and despair. That way those damn Messicans will stay put!”

Former representative and current insane person Michele Bachmann told the Jesus Is Coming Back Any Minute Network that we can’t afford to show compassion for the poor because God hates poor people almost as much as he does fags.

Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) told CNN, “I’m alarmed by the number of cities that are passing this ill-advised pay hike for lazy bastards who can’t get real jobs. These cities pose a real threat to the economy of the United States and our whole way of life. It’s only a matter of time before they adopt Sharia law and develop their own nuclear weapons. I think the best thing we could do is bomb them into submission before they kill us all.”

Former U.S. representative from Minnesota and thoroughly insane person Michele Bachmann said that “If God wanted us to have a living wage he would have put it in the Ten Commandments. This is all Obama’s fault. Once you start showing compassion for the less fortunate by providing them health care, then they start demanding food and other things. I think beyond a doubt this signals the beginning of the End Times and worldwide apocalypse, which is good.”

Although House Republicans have repeatedly voted against raising the minimum wage and prefer instead to ignore anyone who does not make over $100,000 per year, the tide seems to be against them. Despite their best efforts to oppress the lower classes and return to the “Golden Days” of the Middle Ages, most pundits believe that the GOP will be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

 

United Nations Declares Iraq ‘Gigantic Clusterfuck’

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – With ISIS on the attack around Ramadi, Shiite and Sunni militias fighting each other as well as Islamic State forces, Coalition airstrikes blowing up empty patches of desert, the Iraqi military in full retreat, and inanimate objects exploding all over the country, United Nations President Sam Kahamba Kutesa officially declared Iraq an official “24 karat Clusterfuck” at a press conference this morning.

The distinction is important because clusterfuck status enables the United Nations to speed up relief shipments of food and medicine to the country whose borders were pulled out of white people’s asses shortly after World War I.

Former Vice President and soulless demon from hell Dick Cheney told reporters that Obama was an idiot and the only sure way to solve international problems was to “KILL KILL KILL!”

“We don’t hold out much hope that peace will come to the area in our lifetimes,” said Kutesa, “but we hope that eventually the fighting will die down to the point where we can distribute food, water, and cyanide tablets to the surviving population.”

The White House hailed the decision as a “real breakthrough” and expressed hope that fleeing refugees would be offered at least one last good meal before being obliterated by wayward drone strikes and terrorist car bombs.

“The situation is improving day-to-day,” said President Obama at a press conference in the Rose Garden, where he thanked Dick Cheney and George Bush for leaving Iraq and the Middle East in such good shape.

“I’m confident that all these religious nut cases will stop murdering each other real soon,” said Obama. “After all, they’ve been at it for several centuries now and I’m sure they’re sick and tired of all the bloodshed.”

Cheney, who was in Washington to negotiate the purchase of a soul to go with his new heart, told reporters that the entire fucked-up situation was Obama’s fault because he offered health care to the poor and failed to bomb the shit out of Iran over their nuclear program.

Killing Mrs O’Reilly

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Three weeks ago, a Nassau County Supreme Court justice ended a bitter three-year custody dispute between Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly and his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, by granting custody of the couple’s two minor children, Pinhead and Talking Points, to McPhilmy.

Though nearly all documents pertaining to New York family court cases are sealed, and O’Reilly himself has issued a fatwā threatening the life of anyone who speaks publicly about the case, Gawker is reporting that the judge heard testimony accusing O’Reilly of physically assaulting his wife in the couple’s Manhasset home.

O’Reilly water boarded his wife on a weekly basis in order to extract confessions regarding her membership in the liberal conspiracy that was out to get him

A source close to the court who wishes to remain anonymous because she fears for her life told Gawker that a court-appointed forensic examiner testified at a closed hearing that O’Reilly’s daughter Pinhead claimed to have witnessed her father dragging McPhilmy down a staircase by her neck, apparently unaware that the daughter was watching. The precise date of the alleged incident is unclear, but appears to have occurred before the couple separated in 2010. The same source indicated that Pinhead, who is 16 years old, told the forensic examiner about the incident within the past year.

Pinhead went on to explain to the examiner that O’Reilly water-boarded McPhilmy on a weekly basis while trying to extract various confessions from her regarding her love of rap music and what O’Reilly called her “socialist tendencies.”

“He would almost drown her time and again until she admitted she was part of the ‘War on Christmas’ or something equally bizarre,” Pinhead told the examiner. “After he got what he wanted out of her, he would put her in this barber chair that had a motor in it and spun her around and around until she threw up. He called it the ‘Spin-Dry Zone.’ It was just awful.”

O’Reilly’s youngest daughter Talking Points wanders around in a dissociative fugue state most of the time. Psychologists believe it was brought on by being forced watch his show for hours on end while trapped inside a Skinner Box

The list of abominations carried out by O’Reilly was nearly endless, from the family having to answer bizarre questions about the deterioration of the black family while O’Reilly yelled at them to drown them out, to forcing them to watch him masturbate while he stared at himself in a full-length mirror.

O’Reilly’s younger daughter Talking Points was unable to corroborate her sister’s testimony because she is in a semi-permanent fugue state. Experts believe it was induced by her being catheterized, strapped to a chair, and forced to watch a loop of O’Reilly’s show for up to 72 hours at a time ever since she was three years old.

However, the judge in the case apparently did not need further corroboration of McPhilmy’s and Pinhead’s testimony in order to render judgement.

“Anyone who watches O’Reilly’s show knows he is a giant insecure prick who has some really severe psychological problems,” said the judge. “That in itself would not decide the custody case, because if it did I would have to remove children from the homes of the majority of Fox News’ on air talent. But the testimony of Ms McPhilmy and her poor daughter has convinced me that this manchild O’Reilly should come nowhere near his spawn until they are over 18 and able to tell him to ‘fuck off and die’ right to his face without fear of reprisal.”

O’Reilly is said to be appealing the decision and has threatened to kill everyone involved in the case as well as the entire staff at Gawker.

 

Twin Peaks Owners Rate Recruitment Party ‘Resounding Success’

WACO, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Bobby Joe Sphincter and Daryl Leroy Dimwit, co-owners of the Twin Peaks Biker Bar and Family Fun House in Waco, Texas, told CNN the motorcycle gang recruitment party that took place on Sunday was judged “an overall success” despite massive loss of life and nearly 200 arrests.

Nine people were killed and scores were injured during the wing ding on Sunday, but that did not seem to put a damper on recruiting, said Sphincter, who MC’d the event.

“You have to expect a few minor altercations whenever these rival gangs get together,” said Sphincter, who was wearing a tourniquet on his upper thigh to staunch the flow of blood from his femoral artery. “We took precautions by making the wait staff wear ballistic bras and panties on Sunday, and watering down the beer a little. I think all in all it was a great day, and we plan on having even more of these events in the future.”

Dimwit, Sphincter’s business partner, agreed.

“We like to promote membership in these vicious biker gangs because it helps our bottom line,” he said. “The more young people who can get involved in drug running and prostitution in this area, the better it is for us.”

The biker recruitment festival has always been a popular function in Waco. The only public event that draws larger crowds is the Annual Batshit Crazy Religious Cult Women and Children’s Barbecue held every 4th of July

Rufus “Friction Burn” Baker, rush chairman for the Devil’s Buttplugs based in nearby Lubbock, told reporters that his gang picked up some promising new members including two out of work pipe welders, a retired mortician, and a “damn good” meth cook.

“We couldn’t be happier,” said Baker. “We only lost three members in the shootout, and they were getting a little long in the tooth to be running around extorting shopkeepers and kidnapping illegal Messicans for the sex trade anyhow. I’m really a big fan of these little get-togethers ’cause they keep our members on their toes and they help give us that psychotic edge that we need to compete in today’s marketplace.”

Although all of the five gangs registered to participate in the event as well as the owners of the establishment declared it an unrivaled success, Twin Peak’s corporate office has decided to revoke Sphincter’s franchise over fears that the ATF and FBI will sit on the place and reduce cash flow.

“I’m not worried about that,” said Sphincter. “Daryl and I were already thinking about going out on our own and changing the name of the place. Right now the favorite seems to be Two Giant Scantily Clad Redneck Tits. What do you think?”

 

 

 

Kerry Confident Muslims Will Stop Murdering Each Other Before Hell Freezes Over

SEOUL – (CT&P) – Secretary of State John Kerry say he’s confident that the cave dwelling fanatics that have been slaughtering each other for centuries over a religious dispute will stop killing each other long before the end of time.

Kerry, who is traveling through South Korea, says that he’s always said the fight between different sects of the “religion of peace” would be a long one, but would eventually burn itself out just like the Hundred Year’s War between Catholics and Protestants did in Europe.

He said that Ramadi was a “target of opportunity” for the savages from the Islamic State but he’s confident that the savages that we currently support will get the upper hand in coming days, which in turn will lead to another round of murder and mayhem, thus reducing the numbers of fighters on both sides.

When asked to analyze Jeb Bush’s comments on his brother’s invasion of Iraq, Kerry put is head in his hands and did an imitation of Lurch from the Addams Family

Ramadi fell to ISIS on Sunday, as Iraqi forces that we spent billions to train and equip ran like frightened schoolchildren in the face of a few black and white flags mounted on top of pickup trucks. The brave Iraqi troops abandoned their weapons and armored vehicles to flee the provincial capital in a major loss despite intensified U.S.-led airstrikes.

“I’m confident that once all of these idiots on both sides are dead the fighting will stop,” said Kerry.

When asked by a reporter why the fuck we continue to get involved in this ridiculous bloodletting over imaginary friends in the sky, an exasperated Kerry replied, “Because of the oil, you dumb shit!”

“Look, everyone knows these 7th century cretins are going to continue to murder each other until the camels come home, but we hope we can immolate enough of them with air strikes and artillery barrages to secure the oil supply for at least another few decades. After that, we really don’t give a fuck.”

Kerry closed the impromptu presser by saying that we were not at war with Islam and had great respect for its long history of showing tolerance and love for members of different religions just before killing them.

“We hope that in the future other countries can be more like America where we tolerate people with a wide variety of fucked up religious beliefs and usually stop short of burning them alive no matter how wacked-out and batshit crazy they may be,” said Kerry.