John Kerry Crashes Bike And Breaks His Fucking Leg

GENEVA – (CT&P) – Goofy ass Secretary of State John Kerry has broken his fucking leg while riding his bicycle in a charity event near Scionzier, France, wherever the hell that is. Kerry is said to have lost control of his bike in wet conditions while trying to hold both an umbrella and his latte at the same time.

Kerry avoided more serious injury because he was wearing a custom-made pumpkinhead/xenomorph helmet specially designed to fit on top of his enormous flat skull.

“Mr. Kerry began hydroplaning and completely lost control of his bike, veered off the road, hit a curb, and plowed through a line of French schoolchildren who were waiting outside a cinema to watch a Jerry Lewis movie marathon,” said a Secret Service agent who was following along behind Kerry on his own bike.

None of the schoolchildren were seriously injured, but 12 other cyclists were killed when drunken Secret Service agents hustled Kerry into a chase vehicle and ran over dozens of other cyclists in an attempt to get Kerry out of danger.

“We thought we were surrounded by FIFA gunmen, so we needed to act quickly,” said one of the agents.

None of the French schoolchildren were seriously injured in the accident but drunken Secret Service agents later killed 12 cyclists while in route to the hospital.

The Secretary of State was taken to a hospital in Geneva and never lost consciousness. He will be returning to Boston to receive further treatment.

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Those travel plans have been canceled, but Mr. Kerry plans to participate in the Paris event remotely by a video conference so he will not be in a position to harm anyone attending the meeting.

John Kirby, a State Department spokesman, said that the secretary would return to the United States in “an aircraft outfitted to ensure that he cannot get up and destroy anything else throughout the flight. Its use is nothing more than a prudent medical step on the advice of physicians.” Aides and reporters traveling with the secretary flew back to Washington on his plane.

Aides to Secretary Kerry say he is expected to make a full recovery and will be out and about wreaking havoc again in no time.

 

Dennis Hastert Makes Offer On Neverland Ranch Property

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Embattled former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has made an offer on Michael Jackson’s old Neverland Ranch property, according to the L. A. Times.

Hastert, who served alongside Bob Livingston, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, and a whole host of other Republican criminals while in office, has been charged with lying to the F.B.I. and making cash withdrawals from banks in a way that was designed to hide that he was paying $3.5 million to someone for his “misconduct” from years ago, a federal indictment released on Thursday said.

Mr. Hastert, 73, the longest-serving Republican speaker, had worked as a lobbyist since leaving office. The indictment, announced by the United States attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, said Mr. Hastert, who was once a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Yorkville, Ill., had so far paid $1.7 million to the person, who had lived in Yorkville and had known Mr. Hastert for most of his or her life. Mr. Hastert worked in Yorkville from 1965 to 1981.

Wrestling has always been near and dear to Hastert’s heart, and he looks forward to teaching young boys some of his “special moves.”

The person, who is referred to as “Johnny Cutesack” in court documents, has reportedly told prosecutors that Hastert repeatedly grabbed and compressed his scrotum while supposedly teaching him wrestling moves.

Cutesack told prosecutors that he finally had to “come clean” because he felt he had wrung “just about all the cash he could” out of the conservative Christian former politician.

Despite Hastert’s legal problems, he hired a real estate agent to approach the current owners of Jackson’s former home in Santa Barbara County in order to make an offer on the property.

“Once all this blows over I want to give something back to society,” said Hastert. “I entered politics with a net worth of a mere $250,000, yet I managed to make millions while Speaker of the House and as a lobbyist. I’ll never have to set foot in an office again. I want to put all my ill-gotten gains to good use by setting up a wrestling camp for attractive young boys. Praise the Lord!”

Prosecutors do not share Hastert’s optimism however.

Kimberly Nerheim, spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office, told reporters in Chicago that “By the time we get finished with this hypocrite he’s going to feel like he’s had a red hot poker shoved up his ass.”

Wave Of Suicide Attacks Continues Across The Country

THE CABIN ANTHRAX – (CT&P) – The wave of suicide attacks that has plagued the United States for weeks continues unabated as scores of pundits, right-wing politicians, and wacked-out ministers continue to strap on bigoted archaic arguments and run screaming toward the forces of societal progress and enlightenment.

The latest idiot to attack common human decency in favor of religious psychosis was the thoroughly unbalanced and hate mongering dimwit Bryan Fischer of American Family Association fame.

“The flooding in Texas is clearly God’s vengeance wreaked upon the sodomites of the southwest in the form of H2O!” said Fischer, as he foamed at the mouth on his daily decent into madness and hate known as Focal Point.

Fischer, a good friend of Dennis Hastert, has fought homosexual urges for decades. He continues to broadcast every day despite chronic constipation and a host of other intestinal ailments.

“The geographical connection between the flooding, the practice of the occult and witchcraft, and the embrace of homosexuality is absolutely undeniable. The relationship between homosexual activity and natural disasters has been well documented and should be obvious to any reasonable person who believes a virgin gave birth to the Son of God who later in life morphed into a death-defying zombie.”

A mentally disturbed caller named Rebecca from Anal Seepage, Texas agreed with Fischer, saying “If God is judging Texas, it’s because of the witchcraft and sodomy that we’ve allowed to run rampant! I say we kill all the fags and all the liberals and all the atheists while we’re at it!”

Fischer used the caller’s comments as an excuse to go on a fifteen minute incoherent rant about atheists and how there should be a national registry for them like there is for sex offenders. He closed the show by saying:

“We can’t afford to let people capable of critical thought run free throughout our society! Real Christians should take up arms and kill the blasphemers and sodomites! That’s one thing them Mooslims have got right!”

 

 

 

FIFA Payoff Committee Votes To Increase The Minimum Bribe

ZURICH – (CT&P) – The FIFA Payola and Inducement Committee, meeting deep below the streets of Zurich in the FIFA “War Room,” voted this afternoon to increase the minimum bribe rate by a whopping 25% in an effort to slow down U.S. and Swiss investigations into the organization’s inner workings.

FIFA Vice President of Blackmail, Embezzlement and Larceny Ivan Mikhailov, a former Russian mafia boss, told reporters outside FIFA headquarters that he intended to offer FBI special agents an offer “they could not refuse.”

Mikhailov told Swiss television that if the FBI agents did not accept the bribes other methods would be used to change their minds

“The imperialist American politicians are easily corrupted by money and sex. They do what their corporate masters tell them, no matter how much it hurts the oppressed American worker. It is apparent to even the lowest Russian peasant that Americans can be bought and sold with a few rubles and a tall blonde from Omsk with large breasts.”

 

“We have no doubt that the FBI agents will be no different. I mean, look at the Secret Service, it is infested by ideologically impure vermin who frequent brothels and drink around the clock. With the increased capital that the committee has given us this should be easier than a penalty kick.”

Although FIFA President Sepp Blatter bemoaned the extra expenditure of funds, he told Swiss television that the money could be easily replaced during the next round of World Cup bids.

 

Fire At FIFA Congress Blamed On Communist Sabateurs

ZURICH – (CT&P) – An early morning fire which destroyed the FIFA World Congress Building, known as the Pitchstag in Switzerland, was the work of  subversive communist conspirators, according to FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

The fire allowed Blatter to be re-elected without difficulty after Prince Ali bin Hussein of Jordan withdrew from the presidential race saying he was “in fear of losing his life.”

Blatter told Swiss reporters that “America, even if she were to set furiously to work for four years, will not succeed in replacing the me as FIFA president.”

Blatter issued an official FIFA decree shortly after the fire which nullified voting rights for UEFA and other soccer organizations that voted for Prince Ali rather than Blatter for FIFA president during the first round.

The decree also suspended key civil liberties for anyone within the FIFA umbrella of leagues who disagreed with Blatter in any way whatsoever. The Geheime der Football Polizei, more commonly known as Blatter’s Gestapo, is expected to make arrests throughout Europe later tonight of UEFA leaders who dared to stand up to Blatter’s tyranny.

The organization has set up interrogation centers in former CIA ‘black sites’ where the offending officials will questioned using “enhanced interrogation techniques” such as sleep deprivation and water-boarding.

FIFA has contracted Blatter’s alter ego, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney, to oversee the torture sessions.

 

 

Republican Lawmakers Scramble To Preserve Streams And Wetlands For Industrial Runoff

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Reaction to new EPA clean water rules has been fast and furious on Capitol Hill among Republican lawmakers, who are currently scrambling to craft legislation that will insure that our pristine streams and wetlands will be reserved for use by large corporations and factory farms. The pro-pollution Republican Caucus has been joined in the effort by Democrats from farm states who are willing to put aside core values in favor of campaign contributions.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) summed up the anti-environment position nicely in his reaction to the EPA’s rules release.

“The administration’s decree to unilaterally expand federal authority is a raw and tyrannical power grab that will crush large corporations, giant factory farms, and faceless industrial giants that need these streams and wetlands as a place to dump their deadly chemicals,” said Boehner.

Boehner compared the EPA to the Khmer Rouge and said that if the rules were allowed to stand, giant corporations would lose a little money, which would precipitate a genocide in America’s heartland.

“These leaders know firsthand that the rule is being shoved down the throats of hardworking CEO’s with no input, and places giant landowners, benevolent corporations such as Monsanto, and manufacturers of carcinogenic pesticides on the road to a regulatory and economic hell not seen since the days of the ‘Killing Fields’ in Cambodia. If these rules are allowed to stand, these innocent victims of government overreach will actually have to think twice before fucking up the entire American landscape for the rest of us.”

Boehner paused to wipe spittle from his chin and take a sip of Wild Turkey before continuing:

“This power grab is part of a three-prong socialist conspiracy to take over large portions of the United States, including vast areas of the southwest, by any means possible. Providing the American people with health care, clean water, and clean air will only lead to a healthier and more informed oppressed class, and we in the Republican Party just cannot allow that to happen.”

Boehner ended the press conference by saying that President Obama was a minion of Satan and only an idiot would want to drink clean water and breathe clean air.

“Look at me,” said Boehner, “I do just fine on a steady diet of bourbon, tar, and solar radiation.”

Rick Santorum Escapes Hospital And Announces White House Bid

 

CABOT, PENNSYLVANIA – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that former Pennsylvania senator and current religious kook Rick Santorum has escaped from the facility in which he was being held and has announced that he is running for president again.

The 57-year-old Santorum apparently borrowed enough cash to rent a condemned building near his hometown of Cabot and, flanked by out of work steelworkers and six of his seventeen children announced that he would be the “next President of the United States.”

Hospital authorities are still trying to figure out how Santorum escaped, but were appreciative that he left his cell “neat and tidy.”

“With the help of God and all those citizens who want to turn this great nation of ours into a Christian theocracy governed by our own special version of Sharia law, we will succeed,” Santorum told the adoring crowd of over three dozen supporters.

Santorum, who was placed in a mental health facility in rural Pennsylvania after comparing Nelson Mandela’s struggle against apartheid to the Republican effort to keep health care from the poor, and supporting legislation to declare secularism a religion so it could not be taught in schools, is generally given a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning the GOP nomination.

Pulitzer Prize winning right-wing pundit and celebrated atheist George Will told Fox News that Santorum should change his name to “Rick Sanatorium” because it would “more accurately reflect his fucked up political and religious views.”

“The dude is crazier than a shithouse rat,” said Will.

Santorum announced that he will begin a sweep through rural areas of the Appalachian mountain chain next week to seek out people who are as nutty as he is so he can build a solid base of volunteers for his upcoming campaign.

Sepp Blatter Threatens To Annex The Sudetenland

ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.

At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.

Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that FIFA troops would no doubt be greeted as conquering heroes in the newly acquired territories

“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”

“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.

FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.

“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.

“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”

Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.

 

Muhammad Distances Himself From Islamic State

MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.

The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.

“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”

During the interview the Prophet became so irritated with Doocalhiri’s blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance that he began to change form

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.

“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.

At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.

God Vows To Destroy Ireland The First Chance He Gets

PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”

The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.

“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”

Sources told Fox News that gay marriage would destroy America because an all-merciful God would hurl a gigantic scrotum at the geographic center of the continental United States, killing the entire population

The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.

The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”

The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.

“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.