Iranians Balk At Written Agreement, Reserve Right To Incinerate Tel Aviv

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – (CT&P) – In a surprise move that stunned diplomats trying to hammer out a nuclear agreement that would curtail Iran’s efforts towards producing a bomb, Iran’s chief negotiator Dr. Mohammed Javad Zarif announced at this morning’s meeting in Luasanne that Iran would not sign a written agreement regarding nuclear enrichment.

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression after this morning’s announcement. “He was such a nervous wreck he had trouble finishing his latte,” said one reporter.

“My government would prefer a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ guaranteed by a handshake with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry,” said Zarif. Zarif went on to explain that in the agreement Iran would retain the right to nuke Tel Aviv or any other major Israeli city “whenever we damn well please.”

The announcement has thrown the negotiations into complete turmoil, with some journalists reporting that Secretary of State John Kerry has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown.

The announcement has left negotiators from the western nations outraged and completely fed up with the entire process.

France’s lead negotiator Dr. Pepé Le Pew told Reuters that “I’ve spent years of my life working on this fucking agreement and I tell you I’ve had it. I’m going home to my wife and mistress and enjoy a decent meal and a bottle of wine. This bland Swiss cuisine sucks!”

“At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them,” said German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier told a reporter from Der Spiegel that he never wanted to see another Iranian as long as he lived. “At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them. These Iranian sons of bitches are just plain cuckoo!”

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry was said to be in deep depression, with one journalist reporting that he had retired to his hotel suite as he was barely able to function.

Talks are set to resume tomorrow morning in an attempt to beat the Tuesday afternoon deadline, but few hold out the hope that the two sides will come to an agreement.

“I think the odds of our reaching an acceptable agreement are roughly equal to those of Mike Huckabee being elected president,” said an aide to the secretary of state. “We’re basically fucked.”

 

Fox News Commentator Andrea Tantaros Wanted For Murder In New York

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The New York Times is reporting that Fox News personality Andrea Tantaros is wanted for questioning regarding the serial murder of 11 Manhattan residents. Ms Tantaros’ current whereabouts are unknown, and police are warning the public that if she is spotted under no circumstances should she be approached. She was last seen leaving a nightclub in downtown Manhattan at around 2 A.M. on Saturday.

Tantaros as she appears when she assumes human form

Tantaros, a co-host on the vacuous round table show The Five, is well-known for her inane comments and tenuous grip on complex subject matter. She also co-hosts a show called Outnumbered, but its ratings are so low that very few people know it exists, including many Fox employees.

New York Police Commissioner Bill Bratton held a news conference early this morning regarding the string of murders and told reporters that his investigators had reason to believe that Tantaros was responsible.

Tantaros apparently sucks the salt out of the blood of her victims the way she sucks the life out of any intelligent political discussion on Fox

According to the Bratton, the victims in the murder spree are all male ranging in age from 22 to 45 and were murdered over a period of seven months beginning in September. The most recent victim was discovered only late last week. The men were all killed in the same horrific fashion, having the salt drained from their bloodstream by means of suckers similar to the ones found on cephalopods.

“In every case, Tantaros was seen leaving a nightclub late at night with the victim,” said Bratton. “Our best guess at this time is that Tantaros is some sort of shape-shifting misanthrope from outer space who has come to our planet in order to feed on humans. She apparently requires salt to survive in the same way that a vampire requires human blood to live.”

Fox News anchor and serial liar Bill O’Reilly told the New York Times that he thought Tantaros was being framed by the liberal media on instructions from Obama’s White House. “I think she’s awesome, just awesome,” said O’Reilly, and threatened to kill anyone in the media who said anything negative about her.

Tantaros’ colleague and co-host on The Five Greg Gutfeld told The Daily News that he was not surprised by Bratton’s revelations.

“I knew that something was wrong with her,” said Gutfeld. “It’s rare that you see someone over thirty have such childlike opinions on political matters. I mean that gal is just downright dumb. I guess Roger hired her because of her looks, but that lamprey mouth she has just turns me off. Frankly, I’m scared of the woman.”

The public is being warned by the NYPD that although Tantaros is thought to be mentally deficient, she should be considered highly dangerous and should not be approached. If spotted, members of the public should dial 911 and proceed as rapidly as possible to a safe location, preferably not a restaurant or any establishment with salt shakers on its tables.

 

Leonid Rogozov removing his own appendix at a Soviet research station in Antarctica; ca. 1961

Absolutely fascinating……

I hope to be remembered for my atrocities!

From September 1960 until October 1962, Rogozov worked in Antarctica, including his role as the sole doctor in a team of thirteen researchers at the Novolazarevskaya Station, which was established in January 1961.

On the morning of 29 April 1961, Rogozov experienced general weakness, nausea, and moderate fever, and later pain in the lower right portion of the abdomen. All possible conservative treatment measures did not help. By 30 April signs of localized peritonitis became apparent, and his condition worsened considerably by the evening. Mirny, the nearest Soviet research station, was more than 1,600 km (1,000 mi) from Novolazarevskaya. Antarctic research stations of other countries did not have an aircraft. Severe blizzard conditions prevented aircraft landing in any case. Rogozov had no option but to perform the operation on himself.

The operation started at 02:00 local time on 1 May with the help of a driver and meteorologist, who were providing instruments and…

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Woman Makes Unholy Yogurt With Her Own Bacteria

Indiana Makes Desperate Bid To Join Bible Belt

INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.

Governor Pence told reporters that the people of Indiana wanted to show solidarity with their ignorant asshole brothers and sisters down in the Bible Belt

“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.

The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.

“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”

Last night members of the Indiana Klan and several neo-Nazi organizations held a gala event celebrating the signing of the bill. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Melvin Smegma, owner of Melvin’s World Famous Fatback BBQ in Gary. “Now we can tell them filthy fags and Jews to go to hell right when they walk in the door!”

The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.

When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”

“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”

Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott To Shed Skin In Early April

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be shedding his skin again in early April, according to an aide. The aide stated that as is usually the case during the procedure, Governor Scott would unavailable for about three days as he walks around the Governor’s Mansion naked while rubbing up against rough surfaces. The shedding comes as a surprise because it will be taking place a full three weeks ahead of schedule, as the serpent-politician usually exuviates only once every two months, and he last cast off his epidermis in late February.

Governor Scott usually just removes the heart and other organs of his victims while they are still alive, but during equinox celebrations the unlucky souls have their skin removed while they are restrained on a slab.

“The governor’s decision to molt earlier than scheduled was due to a combination of factors,” said the aide, who wished to remain anonymous because the last person to disclose private information about Scott ended up on an altar in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.

“For one thing, Governor Scott wanted nice colorful scales for Easter,” said the aide. “He has several events scheduled where he will be hunting Easter eggs with kids and wanted to look good for the cameras. Also, the governor will be taking advantage of the glut in Easter Bunny inventory at pet stores around Tallahassee by feeding on some of the more tasty looking lagomorphs. He always likes to have nice, fresh, flexible skin when devouring large rodents or hares.”

Governor Scott’s old skins are auctioned off after each moulting. The proceeds benefit the children of those honored to be chosen as human sacrifices that take place deep within the bowels of the Governor’s Mansion

“Finally, the governor picked up some annoying parasites during the annual Xipe Totec equinox celebration, which took place on March 20th. It seems that while wearing the skin of an illegal farm worker he picked up some blood-sucking mites. The governor had earlier flayed the man alive and run around the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion dancing and chanting in order to celebrate and give thanks to the god of agriculture, vegetation, and the seasons. Since the governor is already anemic, he felt he needed to slough off his old skin and rid himself of the bugs rather than risk infection.”

The aide emphasized that although the molting was taking place earlier than scheduled, the governor’s old skin will be auctioned off for charity in the usual fashion. All proceeds will benefit the children of the migrant farm workers and state prisoners that the governor regularly sacrifices in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.

 

 

Sunni And Shia Leaders Sign Historic Accord

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – (CT&P) – Sunni and Shia Muslim religious leaders signed a historic agreement yesterday that will allow them to keep killing each other “indefinitely.” The agreement, which was mediated by some British dude in white robes, is being heralded by the United Nations as the “first of its kind” in the hot and cold relations between the two groups.

“Although it’s not quite the outcome we had hoped for, it’s really nice to see the two sides coming together and discussing their differences,” said Kahamba Kutesa, President of the U.N. “We hope that this accord is the beginning of a glorious journey down the road to “peace in our time.”

Both sides expressed hope that the new agreement would ensure that the conflict would continue for generations to come, and many glorious martyrs would be sent to Paradise ahead of schedule.

Both groups seemed pleased with the results and look forward to continued bloodshed with the assurance that the other side will be just as brutal and inhumane as the other.

“I haven’t seen this kind of progress since the 7th century,” said Mohammed Abdulaziz Daud Skyhook, lead negotiator for the Sunnis. “This agreement will allow us to glorify God by butchering those with whom we have a theological disagreement without the nagging fear that they may suddenly want to cooperate and live together in peace. Praise Allah!”

Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Abd-El-Kader Birdadda, Shia representative at the talks, agreed. “This treaty will allow us to slaughter our brother Muslims till the ‘camels come home.’ We are truly excited and look forward to making many martyrs who will shortly be able to kick back in Paradise and participate in wild lizardlike sex with many virgins.”

The leaders told U.N. observers that through the use of modern weapons such as atomic bombs and poison gas, the two religious factions could break the old casualty record set between Protestants and Catholics in the 17th century

Both sides expressed their desire to increase the rate of bloodletting to a “crescendo of doom” throughout the Middle East and surrounding areas.

“We hope to top the current record of 10 million people murdered in the name of God currently held by Protestants and Catholics during the Thirty Years War,” said Birdadda. “With the help of modern weaponry and the complete lack of empathy on both sides of this conflict, we think we can at least double the old record.”

Both sides stressed that the although the agreement was solely between Sunni and Shia, no restrictions were included that would prevent both sides from murdering Christians, Jews, atheists, or any other religious or non-religious groups in their spare time.

“After all, everyone has to have a hobby,” said Skyhook.

No further talks are scheduled until population levels drop below the level necessary to propagate the two murderous tribes of religious zealots.

King Urges Jews To Quit Being So Antisemitic

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’

When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”

King’s 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louis Gohmert convinced many Egyptians that a democratic form of government might not be such a good idea. The trip was later immortalized with the release of Disney’s animated film The Three Stooges Do Egypt

After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”

“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”

“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”

Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.

King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.

Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.

Uptick In Ratings Makes Fox News Viewers 4th Largest Cult On Earth

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Fox News enjoyed a slight increase in number of viewers during prime time last month from 2.5 to 2.63 million, according to the latest Nielson ratings. The increase was just enough to edge Fox viewers into fourth place in current cult standings, according the best available data.

The Fox News apologists edged out the anti-vaxxing crowd for the fourth spot.

Fox Newsies have often been compared to everyone’s favorite even-toed ungulate, the sheep.

Cult ratings are based purely on numbers of followers or believers as can be best determined by polling, membership lists, and other information that can be confirmed using generally acceptable methods.

Far and away the largest cult on the planet continues to be the Climate Change Denier’s Club, consisting of nearly 30% of the population of the United States and a few other idiots from around the world.

Next comes the Mormon Church, followed by the Young Earth Creationists, Fox News Artiodactyls, the Anti-Vaxxer’s Association, and the Insane Conspiracy Theorist’s League. Rounding out the top ten are Glenn Beck’s Confederacy of Dunces, the Ku Klux Klan, Scientologists, and the U.S. House of Representatives.

“We’re really excited about the growth of the cult,” said Sean Hannity, Fox News anchor and well-known asshat.

Like MSNBC viewers, Fox disciples have been known to believe anything they hear on the network, no matter how ridiculous. Recently Fox put forth the idea that President Obama funded a conspiracy to bus thousands of Arabs to the polls to defeat Bibi Netanyahu. Few of them realize that Arabs citizens have equal voting rights in Israel and now hold 14 seats in the Knesset.

“We’re always looking for folks who will swallow our garbage hook, line, and sinker. More acolytes means more money for us and that’s always good. It also means we can continue to push our hateful right-wing agenda at the expense of real news. We see this as a win-win for the Republican Party and Fox News as well.”

During a recent interview Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton Lewis asked Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute just what the difference was between legitimate organizations and cults. Professor Hikita explained, “It’s sometimes difficult to differentiate because cult members can come from all areas of society and many of these nuts belong to more than one cult. Age, income, and level of education don’t seem to matter with these unhinged individuals.”

“The common denominator seems to be a combination of profound naiveté, an inability of the individual to engage in critical thought, and a desperate desire to have their own batshit ideas confirmed. I mean look at Scientology for example. You read their literature and say to yourself ‘who would believe that shit?’ and yet there are thousands of morons giving those cretins millions of dollars each year.”

Professor Hikita said that despite the popularity of Fox News and other cults, it is important to remember that we are a nation of 320 million people, and the percentage of fruitcakes remains relatively low.

“There are otherwise intelligent human beings walking around that deny evolution exists, who think that the moon landings were staged, who believe that George Bush orchestrated 9/11, and think that President Obama is the Antichrist trying to destroy Israel, it’s really depressing if you dwell on it too long.”

“The really alarming thing is that many of these people vote in our elections,” concluded Hikita. “God knows what the future holds for this country.”

Professor Hikita did hold out some hope for America, however. He believes that a series of educational reforms could go a long way in curtailing the growth of wingnut groups and batshit belief systems in the future.

“If we start putting more emphasis on science, keep religious belief systems in churches and out of schools, and concentrate on teaching history as it actually occurred, I think we have a chance. If not, then we are in for a load of shit.”

 

 

 

 

Cotton Denies Sending Cyanide Letter

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) issued a statement from his office in D.C. this morning flatly denying that he had anything to do with a letter addressed to the White House which contained cyanide. The letter tested positive for the deadly chemical at an off-site mail screening facility on Tuesday, according to the Secret Service.

“We have nothing to do with this letter, which contained 2.4 ounces of hydrogen cyanide in a Five Hour Energy bottle along with a note that said ‘Drink up, Mr. President,'” said the statement.  “We also have nothing to do with any pipe bombs, anthrax powder, or radioactive medical waste currently in route to the White House in various boxes measuring from 11 to 18 inches in length and 6 to 9 inches in width.”

FBI analysts are currently comparing the handwriting on the cyanide letter to other letters written by Senator Cotton

Although Cotton and his office continue to vigorously deny accusations that he had something to do with the letter, the Secret Service is currently interviewing his family and staff both in Washington and Arkansas.

Agent Efrem Zimbalist III, who is coordinating the joint FBI-Secret Service investigation told reporters at a news conference today that they are making progress and arrests will be made in the near future.

“Senator Cotton has denied any knowledge of the letter, but crime scene technicians have confirmed that the same brand of purple crayon used in the Iran letter was used on the cyanide package,” said Zimbalist. “Handwriting experts are now comparing the writing on the outside of the package and the note it contained to the scrawls and doodles present on the letter addressed to Iranian leaders earlier this month, and we think we have a match.”

Senator Cotton’s relatives and staff are being questioned by Secret Service and FBI agents in connection with the deadly letter. An interpreter from rural Arkansas has been brought in to try to facilitate communication with the ignorant hicks.

“The return address on the letter was simply ‘Arkansas’ and some of the same basic misspellings were present in both letters,” said Zimbalist. “There are also smudged fingerprints on the outside of the letter that contain a mixture of cow dung and milk chocolate that are a good match to the Senator’s.”

When asked how law enforcement was able to make such a quick determination of guilt, Zimbalist said that it wasn’t like they were dealing with someone who had a modicum of intelligence like Ted Kaczynski or Eric Rudolph.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here,” said Zimbalist, “Cotton is sociopathic, reactionary backwoods hick, not some master criminal. I think we’ll be able to wrap up the investigation rather quickly.”

Senator Cotton’s office said that he would unavailable to comment on the ongoing investigation as he just departed on a six month hunting trip deep in the Canadian wilderness.