Nifty New Map Reveals Isolated Pockets Of Intelligence Across Bible Belt

TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI – (CT&P) – The bigots at the American Family Association have created a handy new interactive map that may assist intelligent people traveling through the Bible Belt in finding isolated pockets of people with whom they can communicate.

Donald Wildmon, president and founder of the AFA, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally intended to help like-minded bigots harass progressive organizations, but the plan has backfired.

The map lists the names and locations of organizations that the AFA believes pose a dire threat to the Christian faith. The names of Atheist, Humanist, “Anti-Christian,” and “homosexual agenda” groups are listed along with their locations. Although the map is national in scope, it is mainly treated as a joke outside the South.

Donald Wildmon, president of the AFA and notorious anti-Semite, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally designed to help “the KKK, neo-Nazi organizations, and other crazed pseudo Christian rednecks like ourselves locate the headquarters of organizations considered to be enemies of Jesus.”

“We had hoped that publicizing the organizations that don’t hold our antiquated and bigoted views would help our allies locate, harass, and beat the shit out of members of these groups, but the plan kind of backfired on us.”

It seems that instead of idiots using the site like the AFA intended, intelligent folk traveling through the South have used it as a tool to make donations and make new friends with people who are actually able to reason.

The Courier interviewed several travelers to get their take on the map.

Stig O”Tracy told reporters that driving through the Bible Belt was like “traveling back in time to the Middle Ages,” and first time travelers should prepare for a shock.

“The map has been a lifesaver for me,” said Vince Snetterton Lewis, an intellectual from Portland, Oregon. “There just aren’t too many places in the Bible Belt where you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation. The last time I drove through the South I went from Memphis all the way to Atlanta without stopping to urinate. You never know who you’re going to run into down there.”

Stig O’Tracy, an intellectual from Los Angeles, California said, “Have you seen the fucking billboards down there? I don’t dare stop unless I check the map first. I drive a hybrid with California plates. That’s probably enough to get the death penalty in some jurisdictions.”

Wildmon said that he hopes that what he called “abuse” of the interactive map would stop after certain alterations are made.

“We plan to try to make the site accessible only to certified Christians who agree with our whacked-out ideas,” said Wildmon. “We haven’t figured that one out yet but maybe some kind of thumbprint id system could be used.”

“Once we do that, we intend on publishing the membership lists of all these groups along with home addresses and phone numbers. That way we can visit these heretics and dole out some of God’s love just like our heroes in the Spanish Inquisition did.”

 

Live Long And Prosper

Air Force Mothballs 18 A-10 Ground Attack Aircraft In Favor Of Plane That Can’t Fire Its Fucking Cannon

WASHINGTON D.C. – (CT&P) – The Air Force announced yesterday that it is placing 18 A-10 Warthogs, the most feared and effective ground attack aircraft ever built, into back-up flying status in order to move the maintenance staff to work on F-35s, a high tech piece of shit that can rarely get off the ground let alone fire its weapons.

Among the many problems plaguing the F-35 Lightning is the annoying tendency of the plane to fly upside down. The Air Force explained that this is due to a computer glitch and should be corrected around 2029

Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James and Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh have decided to move the Warthogs to back-up status “as soon as practical,” according to a notice obtained by POLITICO. That includes nine A-10s from Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Arizona, six from Moody in Georgia and three from Nellis in Nevada.

Secretary James told POLITICO that “We need these maintenance personnel to wash the F-35’s and wax their exteriors so they will look good in photographs taken on the flight line. They rarely fly, but dirt and dust accumulates on the planes and it makes them look filthy, and we can’t have that.”

 The 2015 National Defense Authorization Act blocks the Air Force from retiring the fleet, but gives it the option to put 36 planes into back-up flying status, if the defense secretary certified the move was necessary. Chuck Hagel did so earlier this month as one his final idiotic acts before he left office.

Air Force officials are not worried about mothballing the A-10 because they have plans to spend five billion dollars on a new British ground attack design

The venerable A-10 has been a workhorse for decades, and has proved to be a reliable and low cost ground attack aircraft that can blow the shit out of just about anything. It proved invaluable in both Gulf Wars, immolating and scattering to atoms innumerable enemy troops and jihadis alike.

The A-10 was designed around the 30 mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon that is its primary armament and the heaviest-ever automatic cannon mounted on an aircraft. It also is able to carry a variety of other ordinance such as the Maverick air-to-suface missile, cluster munitions, Hydra rocket pods, and even laser guided bombs, making it “one bad motherfucker” on the battlefield.

Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that although the F-35 had its problems, it was a good fit for the military-industrial-idiot politician complex, and guaranteed pork barrel spending for decades to come. He told POLITICO that he hopes F-35 cost overruns won’t interfere with plans to build his pet project, the “Doomsday Machine.”

By comparison, the trillion dollar F-35 has trouble turning left, right, and flying in a straight line. Its computer systems are full of glitches that can cause the plane to fly upside down or fire its weapons without warning. It’s just as likely to target an elementary school as it is a tank or enemy aircraft. Furthermore, the flying washing machine will not be able to fire its cannon for at least five years because the Air Force it waiting on a software upgrade.

Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that while the A-10 was a “great plane,” the F-35 costs “one hell of lot more to produce and maintain,” thus guaranteeing a ton of money flowing into Pentagon coffers for years to come.

“The F-35 Lightning may not be able to fly that well, or shoot down enemy aircraft, or support our ground troops attacking ISIS positions, but it looks cool as shit and costs a lot, and that’s enough for the numb nuts in charge of protecting this great country,” said Turgidson.

 

 

 

 

Bill O’Reilly To Viewers: “I’m Being Framed By Keyser Söze”

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Insecure horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly went berserk again last night on his Fox News show The O’Reilly Factor after more evidence surfaced that he exaggerated his personal exploits during the Falklands War. Mr. O’Reilly reportedly got so agitated that he was treated for dangerously high blood pressure shortly after the show aired.

Unfortunately O’Reilly’s claims could not be confirmed because no one really knows what the hell Soze looks like or if he really exists.

O’Reilly has been playing defense since an article in the left-leaning magazine Mother Jones last Thursday claimed that, not unlike NBC News anchor Brian Williams, the Fox News host embellished accounts of his wartime experiences. In response to the story about O’Reilly’s reporting on the Falklands war between the U.K. and Argentina in the early 1980s, penned by Mother Jones editor David Corn, O’Reilly blasted Corn as a “liar,” a “left-wing assassin” and an “irresponsible guttersnipe.”

O’Reilly has maintained that he never said he reported from the actual war zone, in the Atlantic Ocean off Argentina’s coast, but did cover violent protests in Buenos Aires at the close of that conflict. CBS broadcast those clips at the request of O’Reilly, who featured them on his show Monday evening.

Most decent Americans consider O’Reilly to be a giant horse’s ass.

However, that didn’t satisfy Mother Jones, which said the protest footage does not really support his claims. Nor did it convince the New York Times, which quoted former CBS News staff members who had taken issue with O’Reilly’s accounts of those protests.

What O’Reilly referred to as a “very intense situation where people got hurt,” was played down by CBS veteran Eric Engberg in the New York Times story. O’Reilly maintained the veracity of his account on Monday night’s show, pulling out additional reports that described the disputed the protest scenario that he confronted in Buenos Aires.

O’Reilly’s pleas for help were heard in whites-only nursing homes all across the United States

O’Reilly claims that the whole situation is the result of a left-wing conspiracy against him by Keyser Söze, a Turkish criminal mastermind personally responsible for the demise of hundreds of people. O’Reilly dedicated his last segment to a desperate plea for help from his viewers.

“I know it’s Söze that’s after me,” whined O’Reilly. “No one else would dare question me. He’s enlisted the help of almost all the members of the liberal media to tarnish my good name and say that I’m lying about being a war hero.”

“Söze’s henchmen are all over the place. Liars, left wing assassins, and ‘scruffy and badly behaved children who spend most of their time in the street’ are following me everywhere,” said a sweating O’Reilly.

“You, my loyal viewers, know damn good and well I’ve never lied and have never been wrong about anything in my entire life. I’m begging you to come to my defense in my time of need.”

“I want to stop this now. I hope we can stop this. I really do,” said a tearful O’Reilly as he closed the show.

Members of the media were not impressed with O’Reilly’s pleas. David Corn of Mother Jones told the New York Times that “As a despicable guttersnipe who seeks the truth, I must and will continue to uncover the lies told by this giant bipedal penis.”

 

God Denies Having Had Any Contact With Scott Walker

Supreme Being God (I-Palestine)

 

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.

“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”

God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.

Governor Scott Walker (R-Wisconsin)

Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.

His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”

After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.

God told Vatican TV viewers that he rarely gets involved in politics because, “No matter what I do, you talking monkeys always fuck it up.”

Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.

The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”

“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”

“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”

“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”

 

 

 

 

 

Cops To Give Up Dash Cams For Lent

NEW YORK (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning Joey “The Plumber” Giuliani, president of the New York City Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police, told reporters that the NYPD will be giving up dash cams for Lent. Joey is the cousin of former mayor and current bigot Rudolph Giuliani.

Dash cams are used by many jurisdictions across the United States and have been installed on tens of thousands of police cruisers. The cams record stops made by patrolmen and the videos are used in court, for training, to guard against insurance fraud in the case of accidents, and to record criminal acts committed by suspects that have been pulled over.

Dash cams have proved invaluable for training white cops how to intimidate and brutalize innocent civilians living in minority neighborhoods

The system has been so useful that President Obama and others have suggested that cops all over the United States be fitted with mandatory body cams to record every minute of their shift.

Lately however, there has been a succession of incidents in which the cams have recorded cops beating the shit out of or even shooting unarmed civilians during traffic stops and altercations. Many of the videos have been offered as proof of police brutality.

Giuliani lamented the “misuse” of the videos and told reporters that by giving up the cams for Lent the department would be doing the taxpayers of New York a big favor.

“Let’s face it,” said Giuliani, “these cams are a very large pain in our ass. Do you know how much it costs to prosecute a cop these days? It’s a long and expensive process, and we view it as unjust. Cops are just out there trying to enforce the law, and naturally we sometimes have to get a little rough with a suspect, but let me tell you, they all deserve to get what’s coming to them.”

This video has been used extensively across the country to show young recruits the proper technique when firing into a vehicle full of unarmed teenagers

Giuliani got his start in the NYPD in the mid nineties after his cousin Rudy won the mayoral election and gave him a job. He became famous for his “enhanced interrogation techniques” which included the use of a plunger on the nether regions of suspects. Joey called it “my little helper.” He had a confession success rate of over 90% during his time as an active officer.

“We just want to give back to the community that we were hired to protect by preventing frivolous lawsuits and losing valuable officers to extended prison terms,” said Giuliani. “It costs the public a lot of money to train these brave, idealistic men and women.”

Unfortunately the usefulness of the dash cam has been called into question lately as videos have fallen into the “wrong hands” and cops have been seen on television beating the fuck out of innocent civilians

Giuliani ended the press conference by telling the assembled reporters that he hoped that the sacrifice made by the NYPD would catch on and departments all over the country would either disconnect or turn off their dash cams during the period leading up to Easter.

Giuliani has enlisted the support of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Bent Cops, the International Association of Bloodstain Pattern Analysts, the Prejudiced Prosecutors League, and the Bribable Judges Union in the effort.

“Lent has traditionally been a sacred period of prayer and self-denial,” said Giuliani, “and we advise minorities, homosexuals, and casual drug users all across this great country of ours to pray while we exercise our right of self-denial.”

Police departments across the country have applauded Giuliani’s actions and most intend on following New York’s example, except in some jurisdictions such as Ferguson, Missouri where cops would not be caught dead with a dash cam in their cruiser in the first place.

 

 

 

 

 

Republican Leaders Heartbroken Over Government Shutdown

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke down in tears today as he recounted to reporters the tragic events leading up to the government shutdown on Tuesday.

“It was just a case of being beaten to the punch,” said a tearful Boehner. “How were we to know that winter storm Octavia would hit D.C. that hard? Now we have to face the fact that the weather, and not the GOP, caused the first government shutdown of 2015. I just don’t know how we’re going to live with the shame.”

The government was closed Monday for the Presidents Day holiday, so the snowstorm gave most federal employees (called “non-essential” in bureaucracy-speak) an extra day at home.

The shutdown rendered Senator Ted Cruz speechless for the first time in his political career. An aide remarked that he had never sounded so intelligent.

Conditions on the main roads in the Washington metro region ranged from fairly clear to totally snow-covered. Many downtown streets have not yet been touched, USA TODAY Washington Bureau Chief Susan Page reports.

Of course, White House operations pretty much keep rolling no matter what, although the daily press briefing was canceled.

However over on Capitol Hill, Congress was shut down, thus delaying critical meetings of GOP lawmakers set to discuss new methods of obfuscation and gridlock.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was particularly upset, as his committee had scheduled an important brainstorming session on how best to temporarily defund the Department of Homeland Security in order to derail President Obama’s immigration orders.

“It truly breaks my heart that some stupid snow and ice is gonna get the credit for the first government shutdown of 2015,” said an emotional Cruz. “Everyone knows it’s my job to screw up Washington.”

The day was not a total write-off however.

House Majority Whip Steve Scalise used the spare time to write a new bill repealing Obamacare and in the afternoon visited a tailor’s shop down the street from his house to be measured for a new set of brown shirts.

Weather Channel Warns Nervous Viewers About The Downright Weird Physical Properties Of Water

ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – In a litany repeated over and over again ad nauseam weather cretins stationed all over the Southeast and Eastern seaboard warned angst ridden Weather Channel viewers that the physical properties of water, or H2O, changes as outside temperatures drop to around 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

Cantore warned viewers that “Only a fool messes around with such a dangerous substance as water.”

“Water is downright weird,” said Weather Channel veteran reporter Jim Cantore. “As it gets cold outside, water can mysteriously change into things like sleet, ice, freezing rain, or in some conditions even snow.”

“Some of these substances, such as ice, can be very slippery to walk or drive on,” warned Cantore with a very serious look on his face. “So whatever you do, don’t leave your home if it’s cold outside. You run the risk of freezing to death on a deserted highway only a short distance from the safety of your warm crib.”

Cantore told viewers that anyone forced to travel in temperatures lower than 50 degrees should pack a survival kit and bring it along with them.

Cantore said that many an idiot has met his death by hanging around outside in subzero temperatures when intelligent people were inside in front of a fire.

Cantore advised that the kit should contain distilled water, freeze-dried emergency rations, toilet paper, a flask of brandy attached to a St Bernard, a flare gun or “Very pistol,” space blanket, compass, signalling mirror and a three-day supply of amphetamines in order to stay alert.

Cantore also said that if you are dumb enough to leave your home during the winter months you should take along the weakest member of your family in case you run out of food and are forced to eat them to survive.

Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Dr. Jean Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that water can be very dangerous particularly in wintertime when it is so unpredictable.

Lubchenco said that “We never know from one minute to the next what form water will take as it falls out of the sky. It often poses a threat to life and limb for those who don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so the best course for Americans is to stay inside their homes until spring.”

Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency news conference last night to assure residents that the state’s fleet of snow plows and salt trucks would work round the clock to keep the streets clear

Dr. Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that carrying an emergency kit around in the car with you was a good idea, but stopped short of advising the public to resort to cannibalism. “Except for Florida, every state in the Union has outlawed cannibalism,” said Lubchenco, “so I don’t recommend devouring grandma except as a last resort.”

In a related story, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency press conference late last night to assure a panic-stricken public that the state was prepared to handle anything that Mother Nature could throw at it.

Governor Deal told reporters that at enormous expense to the state, a fleet of over 300 trucks was dispensing a toxic mixture of salt, sand, and radioactive fracking compounds all over the roads of Metro Atlanta, even though temperatures were nowhere near low enough for ice to form.

Governor Deal warned the residents of rural counties in North Georgia that winter sports should be left to the experts

“We want to err on the side of caution,” said Deal. He assured the public that the money spent contaminating the roads could be replaced by pirating funds from public school systems as is usually done for idiotic projects.

Deal told reporters that if temperatures remained above freezing as was expected, the public should be aware that water in the form of a liquid could fall from the sky making objects around Atlanta wet.

“Puddles could form on sidewalks that could damage leather shoes and whatnot,” said Deal. “The public should remain alert and aware of all the dangers associated with this substance.”

Deal also warned that those venturing out after the trucks got rolling should just drive around and stay inside their vehicles so that they would not be unnecessarily exposed to carcinogenic compounds in the sludge.

“Our health care system is already at the breaking point as it is,” said Deal. “We don’t need a rash of tumors popping up this summer.”

 

 

Weather Channel To Begin Naming Cloudy Days

ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – As of March 1st the Weather Channel will start assigning names to cloudy and overcast days, according to an announcement made this morning by Weather Channel spokesman Robert Buffoon.

“Cloudy days represent a very real threat to every American, particularly those who live in areas where clouds form,” said Buffoon. “Cloudy days can have a big impact on local economies as well as the psyches of those people dumb enough to let the weather dictate how they feel.”

Buffoon told reporters that the Weather Channel wanted to bring the same level of dread and foreboding to cloudy day reporting as it does hurricane and winter storm predictions. “We really like to instill a sense of impending doom on our viewers”, said Buffoon.

“In some regions of the United States you can even be arrested by overzealous police officers for smiling on a cloudy day, and we want to do our part to prevent this from happening by warning our viewers of impending cloud cover.”

The first cloudy day in March will be named Apocalypse, according to Buffoon. Some other names on the list of cloudy days this spring will include Cataclysm, Debacle, Fiasco, Holocaust, and Tragedy.

“We wanted to name these horrible and deadly weather events in such a way as to cause abject panic among our viewers. When you combine ominous-sounding names with end-of-the-world reporting, it really boosts our ratings, and that’s all we care about,” said Buffoon. “It’s basically the same formula we use with hurricanes and winter storms.”

Buffoon said that no matter what the conditions, brave Weather Channel personnel will carry on the tradition of making fools of themselves on live television.

Buffoon assured reporters that no matter what the danger, Weather Channel personnel would be out making utter fools of themselves from all over affected regions during cloudy and overcast conditions.

“As you know from our record here at the Weather Channel, no one knows how to look like complete idiots better than us,” chuckled Buffoon.

The National Weather Service has not commented on the new policy, but a NOAA meteorologist who wished to remain anonymous told the Atlanta Journal Constitution that “You’re better off calling up your local witch doctor to get your weather forecast rather than relying on those clowns. They can’t predict from one moment to the next whether the sun will come up tomorrow.”

Dickerson Reaffirms Vows To Self

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In a romantic Valentine’s Day ceremony Jerry Dickerson let the world know that he continues to be in a deep and loving relationship with himself. The moving ceremony took place at sunset on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico in Blue Mountain Beach.

In attendance were hundreds of Dickerson’s imaginary friends, thousands of phantasmal readers of his blog, and numerous apocryphal admirers from all over the planet. A reception was held at the Tom Thumb Convenience Store #37 at the corner of 331 South and U.S. Highway 98 West.

Officer Larry “Lardass” Langford told reporters that he had never seen anyone who adored himself as much as Dickerson. “You just don’t run across that level of love and devotion every day,” said an emotional Langford.

“It was a truly moving experience, said Walton County Deputy Sheriff Larry “Lardass” Langford, who happened to be driving by.

“I was just making my normal rounds on the beach protecting residents from ISIS frogmen and writing tickets to tourists who seemed to be having too much fun, and I happened upon this sacred and inspirational event.”

“I’ll never forget it,” said Langford. “Dickerson’s level of dedication to himself was heart warming. It brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so deeply devoted to the preservation of his own well-being and happiness. It really caused me to question my level of commitment to my wife Ethyl.”

Dickerson has been in a committed relationship with himself for over 50 years which is good because he has a face only he himself could love.

When interviewed by Channel 7 Action News after the ceremony, Dickerson said, “I just wanted the world to know that I have found my soul mate, and he is me.”

Dickerson agreed with himself saying, “I really admire my life partner’s manly physique, outgoing personality, rapier wit, and above all his towering intellect.”

When interviewed, Dickerson’s mother Charlene told reporters “I just don’t see anyone breaking up this beautiful long term relationship that Jerry has with Jerry.”

“I know in my heart that no one will ever be able to love my son as much as he loves himself,” said the emotional and long-suffering mom.

After the reception Dickerson treated himself to a steak dinner at Angelo’s Steak Pit and then went back to his mom’s condo to unwind and enjoy seven soccer matches in succession.

Dickerson plans on spending some quality time alone with himself along the romantic Emerald Coast before returning to his home outside Murphy, North Carolina where he plans on dedicating the rest of his life to making himself happy.