Auburn Defense Missing And Presumed Dead After Second Half Stampede In Tuscaloosa

TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA (CT&P) – After acting in a docile and somewhat incompetent manner in the first two quarters, Alabama’s herd of giant pachyderms went berserk in the second half, running over, through, and around a hapless Auburn defense like they were not there. Auburn defensive players were left crushed and mangled on the field like shoppers on Black Friday trying to get into Walmart.

The belligerence of the pachyderms was not limited to the offense. A photographer for the Birmingham News snapped this photo of Bama defensive lineman Jonathan Allen sacking Auburn QB Nick Marshall

The dominant bull in the herd, Blake Sims, led the tuskers on five straight touchdown drives to cinch the glorious Bama victory. Wide receiver Amari “The Stud” Cooper caught two of his three touchdown passes in the third quarter in route to a 13 reception, 224 yard performance.

Auburn coaches and players seemed overwhelmed and unable to stem the Tide of murderous enraged pachyderms.

“It was just plain horrifying,” said Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn. “We were hauling injured and dead felines off the field after every play. The monstrous beasts showed no mercy whatsoever. It was like standing in front of dam as it burst. There was just no stopping them.”

The raging pachyderms showed no mercy. They even destroyed the beloved “Gus Bus” parked just outside Bryant-Denny Stadium.

Many of the unfortunate defensive linemen were treated at DCH Regional Medical Center but most of the Auburn secondary remains unaccounted for.

“We found some shreds of orange and blue fabric that could be fragments of uniform, along with some helmets and protoplasm that may be bits of human flesh,” said Malzahn. “At this point we’re just not sure.”

Coach Saban finally brought the herd of elephants under control, but not before defensive tackle Brandon Ivory crushed Coach Malzahn’s personal vehicle

When asked what the team will do to try to rebuild their confidence before a consolation bowl game, Malzahn told reporters that “Well, I guess we will sit down and watch a loop of the end of last year’s Iron Bowl. You know we have only seen it 3578 times so far. I guess a few more times could never hurt.”

In keeping with the Auburn tradition of naming their games so they can actually remember them amid the clutter in their skulls, fans phoned in suggestions to Paul Finebaum who was commenting on the game for the SEC Network. As of this writing it is a tossup between “Pachyderm Colonoscopy” and “Trampled at Bryant-Denny.”

The final score in the game was 55-44, setting up an appearance by the thundering herd of belligerent Bama behemoths in the SEC Championship Game against yet another litter of kittens from Columbia, Missouri.

 

Seven Dead At McCaysville Drug And Gun In Black Friday Tragedy

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The Fannin County Coroner’s office declared seven shoppers dead at the scene earlier today at McCaysville Drug and Gun in downtown McCaysville, Georgia after a tragic Black Friday stampede shortly after the doors opened at 6 A.M. Two dozen other would-be shoppers were taken to Ducktown Regional Medical Center to be treated for a number of broken bones and internal injuries.

McCaysville Drug and Gun has been the site of numerous tragedies over the years as shoppers fight to be the first to take advantage of discount pricing on firearms and prescription drugs.

A crowd of over two hundred hunters, drug addicts, and meth lab proprietors had been milling about the entrance to the store for over 24 hours in anticipation of the beginning of the annual “Sudafed and Ammo Spectacular Sale.” The sale has been a big hit in the tri-county area for many years.

“It was horrifying,” said assistant manager R.W. Scrotum. “There were dozens of hillbillies dressed in all sorts of camouflage clothing and about fifty toothless sleep-deprived maniacs clawing at each other to get inside first. When the doors opened it was like a dam had burst. The poor bastards at the front of the line didn’t stand a chance.”

The store owner, Mr. Billy Bob McSneed, told Eyewitness News Chattanooga that he had hired three sheriff’s deputies to try to control the crowd after what happened last year, when three shoppers were killed and several children went missing and remain unaccounted for.

“I really thought we had a grip on things this time around,” said McSneed, “but I guess there is just no controlling a crowd of murderous gun-totin’ rednecks and a bunch of drug-crazed hillbillies. Next year I’m hoping that we can borrow Cherokee County’s tank that they got from the Pentagon. That should slow these guys down a little bit.”

The McCaysville city council has tried to ban the Black Friday sale several times over the years but Mayor Thomas Seabolt has blocked every attempt saying “hell, it’s the only viable business we have in this God-forsaken town. Do you want to ruin our tax base? If those cretins want to kill each other getting in every year, then so be it.”

 

St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch To Be Promoted

ST LOUIS, MISSOURI (CT&P) – Frank Ancona, president of the Missouri chapter of the Traditionalist Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, based in Park Hills, Missouri, has announced that St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch will be promoted to the level of “Grand Imperial Anus” of the KKK at a gala pageant over the Christmas holidays.

Ogre and pompous ass Robert McCulloch has for many years aspired to be a giant asshole and was overcome with emotion when he was told he would soon hold the title of Grand Imperial Anus

Ancona, who made headlines recently by threatening “lethal force” against Ferguson protestors, told Chris Hayes of MSNBC that the group was “proud beyond words” of McCulloch’s handling of the grand jury in the Darren Wilson case.

Wilson, who gunned down unarmed black teenager Michael Brown on a street corner in Ferguson earlier this year, was not charged with a damn thing for his reckless actions.

“We need more guys like Bob in local and state government,” said Ancona. “He really knows how to treat these mongrels that pollute our country with their thuggish music and filthy black skin. I’m proud to call him a member of our group and I think that he will handle the added responsibility of being a giant anus like real pro.”

Murderous cop Darren Wilson will be awarded the “James Earl Ray Proficiency in Firearms Award” despite the fact that he had to empty an entire clip into Brown in order to bring him down

Ancona also mentioned that Darren Wilson, a longtime member of the organization, will be receiving the James Earl Ray Award for Proficiency in the Use of Firearms, even though it took around a dozen rounds to “bring down that giant nigger.”

Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson and the entire overwhelmingly white police force are also slated to be honored at the banquet.

The gala awards banquet will be held in the Missouri countryside and everyone is invited as long as you are not a nigger, Jew, fag, or gypsy

“We wanted to honor Chief Jackson and his boys for the brutal way in which they dealt with the protests after the ‘turkey shoot,'” said Ancona.

“This whole episode shows what a town and county can accomplish when a white police chief, a white police force, a white prosecutor, and a white governor can get together to protect a white police officer when he murders an unarmed black teenager in broad daylight. It really reinforces the great pride I have in this wonderful country in which we live.”

 

 

Enraged By Ferguson Decision, Godzilla Comes Ashore And Destroys Tokyo

TOKYO (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that approximately one hour after the announcement that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, a furious Godzilla waded ashore from Tokyo Bay and began to destroy the city.

Godzilla made a brief side trip to Fukushima and enjoyed an extra-large cesium-137 smoothie before returning to Tokyo to wreak havoc

Witnesses reported that Godzilla used his patented heat ray along with his massive feet to create a swathe of destruction five miles wide and around fifteen miles long in and around the city.

Japanese authorities used every weapon at their disposal including white cops in riot gear in an attempt to stop the gargantuan reptile but nothing seemed to have any effect on the creature. U.S. troops stationed in and around the home island joined in the battle but Godzilla seemed unaffected by even the most modern weapons.

Godzilla told reporters that he did not want his son growing up in a world full of white bigots. He said his next target will be Fox News headquarters in New York

“Most of Tokyo now lies in ruins,” said a tearful Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Godzilla showed no mercy this time. He just walked out of the sea and tore our city all to hell! He even destroyed Ray’s Sushi and Comfort Woman Bar in Shinjuk. Now I have no idea where I’ll go to relieve the stress that builds up from this fucking job. First Fukushima and now this. Can’t those idiot Americans get their act together? I mean Jesus!”

Godzilla addressed the media from a sandbar in Tokyo Bay

After a full night of unbridled destruction, Godzilla returned to Tokyo bay where he held a brief press conference before returning to the depths.

“The situation in Ferguson reflects the entrenched white male power structure in the United States,” said Godzilla. “It appears that Missouri has made no progress since the days of Jim Crow. I fully expect this kind of thing from that dystopian hellscape they call Florida, but Missouri? I thought those folks were better than that. I guess it’s open season on unarmed black kids in America.”

When asked why he destroyed a Japanese city instead of heading up the Mississippi River to St. Louis, Godzilla replied that it was just force of habit.

This is the 47th time Godzilla has destroyed the Japanese capital.

Congratulations, God! Messiah Sets All Time La Liga Scoring Record!

CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, CATALONIA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Our Lord and Savior, the goal scoring Messiah Leo Messi scored a hat trick against Sevilla yesterday to set the all time career scoring record in La Liga. The three goals came during a 5-1 trouncing of the unfortunate Sevillistas much to the delight of Barcelona fans at Camp Nou. The former record was set by Telmo Zarra and has stood unbroken since 1955.

After the match Messi levitated over the pitch as he signed autographs and healed the sick before retiring to his multi-million dollar estate on the outskirts of Barcelona

The Lamb of God tied the record of 251 goals with an absolutely divine free kick in the 21st minute that rose over the wall of opposing players, dipped like a star falling from the heavens, and sailed into the corner of the net. Sevilla goalkeeper Antonio Alberto Bastos Pimparel was powerless to block the shot delivered from the left foot of Our Lord.

“It was like the heavens opened and a bolt of lighting hit the net,” said a shaken Beto. “There is no fighting the power of the Son of God.”

The Prince of Pitch scored again in the 72nd minute to set the new scoring record at 252 goals. The goal came off a cross from his disciple Prince Neymar of Brazil.

To celebrate, his devoted disciples raised his body toward the heavens in an act of divine ecstasy.

After the match, the Messiah gave credit to his Dad and the Holy Ghost for helping him achieve the record

“I’m just delighted to be here to witness these miracles week after week,” said Neymar after the game. “Leo is an all-powerful and all-knowing force out there on the field. He shepherds shot after shot through the heart of the unbeliever’s defenses. I’m just proud to assist him spread the Good News of Barcelona victories in any way I can.”

 

The King of Kings completed his Trinity of goals only six minutes later with a powerful low strike from the edge of the penalty area.

In an interview after the game, Barcelona captain Cardinal Xavi Hernandez told reporters that the Messiah was “simply the best player ever to grace a pitch.” “He is absolutely without sin on the football field,” said Xavi. “And he’s quite useful during practice as well, turning water into Gatorade on a regular basis. All praise be unto Him.”

Messi, who is only 27 years old, has a chance to top three hundred goals in his career, making it almost impossible to beat unless there is a “Third Coming” sometime in the distant future.

Republicans Propose Radically Different Immigration Reform Plan

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Outraged by President Obama’s executive orders on immigration, Republican lawmakers, with the full support of their right-wing Christian base, have proposed a different plan to deal with the almost five million undocumented immigrants currently residing in the United States.

The plan calls for a significant percentage of the “illegals” to be executed immediately as a terrifying example to all those wishing to enter this country in search of a better life. The remainder of the “shiftless job-stealing cretins” would be rounded up and forced back across the border at gunpoint.

Possibly the most ambitious part of the proposal calls for a 20 foot high wall adorned with pikes to be built along our southern border. The severed heads of those trying to cross the border illegally would be placed on the decorative pikes as a reminder to those who would try to enter in the future.

The new Republican proposal would include a 20 foot high wall along our southern border adorned with severed heads in order to stress the fact that America was founded on “Christian principles.”

Nan Hypocritus, president and managing director of Christians Against Compassion and Empathy, an anti-immigrant group, told Reuters that her group was incredulous that President Obama would take such drastic unilateral action so close to the holidays.

“Thanksgiving is just next week, and Christmas is just around the corner!” said Hypocritus. “How dare he throw a wrench into the sacred holiday season by showing love and compassion to a group of brown people? We Christians have better things to do than worry about protecting immigrants from being torn away from their families and deported to God knows where! We have shopping to do and we are just getting geared up to act like a persecuted minority over the whole ‘War On Christmas’ fantasy! This is just outrageous!”

Although similar executive actions regarding immigration were taken by Republican presidents in the past, G.O.P. leaders are beside themselves over Obama’s orders and vow to make the new proposal law in the near future.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has lumped the new “Final Solution” Immigration Reform Bill in with an omnibus spending package that also features the repeal of Obamacare, mandatory fracking in national parks, the elimination of the EPA and the Department of Education, and the death penalty for Hillary Clinton for her role in the Benghazi conspiracy.

 

 

 

 

Ivory Coast Defeats Sierra Leone 5-1 In African Cup Of Nations Qualifier

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sierra Leone suffered an embarrassing thrashing today when it was defeated by Ivory Coast 5-1 in an African Cup of Nations qualifying match in front of a nearly empty Felix Houphouet Boigny Stadium. Those fans brave enough to attend the match were given respirators and rubber gloves before entering the stadium.

Physios for Sierra Leone found it difficult to treat injured players during the game because of the bulky protective gear they were forced to wear by stadium officials

The game was tied 1-1 at halftime, but Ivory Coast came roaring to life in the second half as its players became accustomed to the giant protective bubble suits the Sierra Leone players were forced to wear by the FIFA officiating crew.

“They weaved and bobbed through our defense as if we were not even there,” said Coach John Sesay. “I think it’s highly irresponsible for the people in charge of this tourney to force our guys to wear these ridiculous suits. Not everyone in Sierra Leone has Ebola, you know.”

Sierra Leone manager John Sesay was outraged when he had to prove he was healthy enough to coach the game by dribbling through a pride of hungry lions

The Sierra Leone players managed to hold off the unencumbered Ivory Coast players in the first half by forming a giant protective ring around their goal and knocking down opposing players with their huge inflated suits. However, at halftime Ivory Coast Coach Sabri Lamouchi devised a strategy that spelled doom for the potentially infected team from Sierra Leone.

“Coach told us to form a flying wedge and charge through their bubble-wrap defense, which allowed the player with the ball to dribble along behind it and kick the ball into the goal,” said Salomon Kalou, who scored two of Ivory Coast’s four second half goals. “The change in strategy worked wonders. We kicked their bloody, contaminated asses right off the field in the second period.”

Coach Sesay told reporters that he plans on filing an official complaint with FIFA and the governing board of the tournament as soon as he gets over a slight fever and stomach ailment that started plaguing him late last week.

 

Homophobe Bryan Fischer To Be Fitted With Experimental New Muzzle

Experts have postulated that Fischer’s archaic beliefs and rampant homophobia have something to do with his lifelong battle with constipation

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Right-wing radio host and American Family Association Spokesman Bryan Fischer will be fitted with an experimental new muzzle that will deliver an electric shock to the unhinged pundit whenever he says something incredibly stupid or hateful, according to AFA President Tim Wildmon.

“We have tolerated this idiot long enough,” said Wildmon, during an interview with Jesus Daily, a national tabloid devoted to all things Jesus. “He’s running off donors right and left with this obsession he has with homosexuals. He can’t even complete a sentence on the air without talking about gay marriage, sodomites, or homosexual behavior. I’m starting to think that the old geezer needs psychiatric treatment.”

The experimental muzzle has only been tried before on serial killers and Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s pet Alsatians that are regularly used to rip political opponents to shreds after being covered in Hardee’s biscuit gravy

The tipping point for Wildmon’s decision to use the device, which has only been used before to train political execution dogs in North Korea, was apparently Fischer’s wild rant on his radio show over the weekend.

During a half-crazed 15 minute diatribe about God and gays, Fischer, like so many other evangelicals, pretended to know the mind of God and insisted that the omniscient and all-powerful deity was just as infatuated with homosexuality as he is.

During the borderline psychotic episode Fischer defended his Neolithic opposition to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights, arguing that anti-LGBT sentiment was a “natural revulsion.”

Fischer told his “Focal Point” listeners that the term “sodomy” has become culturally obsolete since “it’s an ugly word, because it refers to an ugly practice.”

“It’s not the word, it’s what it describes, it’s what it refers to,” he said. “We have a natural revulsion to that kind of behavior just as God does. We got that from God. God reacts the same way to homosexual behavior, to sodomy, as we do.”

One caller objected to Fischer’s observations, pointing out that the same God that created straights undoubtedly created gays as well, and besides, watching Bryan Fischer have heterosexual sex would be far more revolting than sodomy could ever be.

Apparently Tim Wildmon agreed with the caller because immediate action is being taken to bring the unhinged and sexually insecure Fischer to heel.

Wildmon told reporters that it would probably take few days to get the voltages and fit just right on the new muzzle, but we should expect to hear a much more reasonable Bryan Fischer over the airwaves sometime late next week.

Harlem Pastor Exposes Starbucks Sinister Sodomite Semen Scheme

NEW YORK (CT&P) – Last Wednesday during his online radio show, Pastor James David Manning of the ATLAH Worldwide Calvary Missionary Outreach of Our Lady of the Impure Latte Church, exposed yet another fiendish conspiracy perpetrated on the American public by the dark forces attempting to turn us all gay.

This week the unhinged pastor has convinced himself that Starbucks is adding “sodomite semen” to lattes in order to control American’s sexual preferences.

Pastor Manning is pictured here giving his weekly online address from the utility closet of a Harlem barber shop. The pastor has consistently refused treatment for a brain tumor in his prefrontal cortex that continues to grow at an alarming rate.

“My suspicion is that they’re getting this semen from sodomites,” said Pastor Manning. “That’s what my suspicion is. My suspicion is that semen, like cord blood, has millions and millions of little zygotes in it, and it flavors up the coffee. And it makes you think you’re having a good time drinking that cup of latte with the semen in it.”

He then claimed that the story was the reason he was criticized for calling the company “ground zero for Ebola,” calling their clientele “generally upscaled [sic] sodomites” who go there to “exchange a lot of body fluids.”

“Now I know why I don’t go to Starbucks,” Manning said. “But now I know why these other untoward types hang around that Starbucks. This investigation has not been closed as of yet.”

Indeed, the investigation is ongoing, and Pastor Manning has put some of his top woefully uneducated researchers in charge of the ongoing probe.

Pastor Manning was a close confidant and friend of the Reverend Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame. Fred is seen here as he receives his third barbed-wire enema of the morning as he spends eternity in Hell.

“We postulate that the zygotes act on the nervous system and put you to sleep while a pod is formed nearby, and when you wake up, you’re a flaming fag with an insatiable thirst for lattes,” said Manning.

This is not the first conspiracy that the right reverend has uncovered. He was the first radio personality to reveal that aliens were urinating in McDonald’s soft drinks, and he also exposed the deadly plan by the Obama Administration to introduce Ebola to the nation’s food supply by contaminating Hardee’s breakfast biscuits.

Pastor Manning, also known as “that black kook from Harlem,” is scheduled to appear on the Bill O’Relly show next month as part of Fox’s ongoing coverage of the imaginary “War on Christmas.” He is expected to reveal the ringleaders of a nationwide conspiracy to ruin Christmas by contaminating the Strategic Eggnog Reserve (SER) with fecal material from atheists.

Mad Scientist To Announce Candidacy For President

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson, former neurosurgeon and current right-wing kook will announce his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination this weekend, according to his long-time aide and press secretary Igor.

Dr. Carson’s longtime aide and press secretary Igor was the product of one of the unhinged physician’s early experimental surgeries.

At a press conference on the steps of Carson’s underground laboratory in rural Virginia, Igor told a group of reporters that Dr. Carson will release a 40 minute video that will outline his policy stances and beliefs so that voters will be able to “get to know him better.” Igor said that Carson hopes that those voters who are not taken aback, shocked, or downright terrified by what they see and hear on the video will go to the polls and support him during the Republican primaries.

Dr. Carson rose to fame within the batshit crazy wing of the Republican Party after an appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast during which he compared Obamacare to slavery, showing a grasp of American history roughly equivalent to that of an average house cat.

Dr. Carson is a charter member of the creepy group of idiots that think human beings once walked side-by-side with dinosaurs.

Dr. Carson, who does not believe in evolution, is a strong supporter of the group of raving lunatics who support “Young Earth” creationist theory, a concept with absolutely no scientific fact to back it up. Carson has also referred to abortion as “human sacrifice,” and has compared homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia.

Carson also wants to abolish Medicare and Medicaid, replace welfare with private charity, and institute a flat income tax, presumably because Jesus was such a strong critic of the poor and less fortunate.

Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker phoned Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey for more insight into Dr. Carson’s troubled psyche.

Not all of Carson’s surgeries were considered successful. Americans are still suffering the results of his attempt to provide Representative Louie Gohmert (seen here on right) with a bride of roughly equal intelligence

“Anyone with a fully functional pre-frontal cortex will no doubt be shocked and disgusted with Carson’s vision of America,” said Hikita. “I really fail to understand how any respectable medical school would loose this madman on the American public. I mean, how can you actually graduate from university and medical school and not believe in something as obvious as evolution?”

Professor Hikita was even more perturbed by Carson’s insane ideas regarding the age of the earth.

“Dr. Carson is one of those ignorant twits that believes the earth is about 6,000 years old,” said Hikita. “That’s the same bunch of hucksters that want us to believe that Jesus and the disciples cruised around Palestine on the backs of dinosaurs. It’s insane. The next thing you know that creepy ass Ken Ham will be running for political office in Kentucky. It may be time to start making sure your passport is in order. If this group ever gains the White House civilization could grind to a halt overnight.”

Although most pundits give Carson roughly a snowball’s chance in Hell of being elected president, stranger things have happened. After all, the normally lucid citizens of Minnesota’s 6th District actually elected a barely functional android, Michele Bachmann, to represent them in Congress.