GOP Candidates Vow To Ban Early Voting If Elected

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Alarmed by the number of Democrats taking advantage of early voting across the country, a coalition of GOP politicians and candidates running for office in this year’s midterms have vowed to end early voting in future elections in the United States. The coalition, known as STOP (Suppress Those Other People from Voting) was formed because blacks and other minorities take advantage of early voting in disproportionate numbers.

GOP leaders have long insisted that white heterosexual males with an annual income over $75,000 should be the only humans allowed to vote in the United States

Rick Scott, governor of Florida and ancient Aztec snake god, is chairman of the new coalition. He told Fox News that “We Republicans would much prefer that these people were unable to vote at all, but if we are going to let them express their views then by God they can vote on the same day us white folks do. I’ve tried my best to keep black folks and poor people out of the voting booth by signing draconian voter ID laws in the past, but it’s just not enough. We have to make a stand!”

Texas Governor Rick Perry agreed with Scott.

“I just don’t know what these Messicans and negras are thinking about,” said Perry. “You would think that they would get the message and behave themselves. Hell, we execute one every week down here!”

Perry was not finished, and took the concept of voter suppression one step further.

Texas Governor Rick Perry told Fox News anchor and giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly that “If these blacks and Hispanics don’t start behavin’ and votin’ the right way, well then we just might have to shoot ’em.”

“We Texans in the GOP are concerned about the minority vote, but what really puts a burr under our saddle is the number of women who have abandoned the Republican Party,” said Perry.  “I just don’t understand it. We already showed ’em how much we love and respect ’em by taking away their reproductive rights. I guess if they can’t do what their husbands command like the Bible says, then we’ll just have to repeal the 19th Amendment and leave the voting to white males, as long as they are heterosexual of course.”

Although pleased with the archaic views held by the exclusively white male GOP leadership, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus expressed concern over the apparent revulsion that minorities and enlightened women feel when they consider the Republican Party.

“It’s a mystery to all of us here at the RNC. I mean, we’ve talked about it and all of us have provided jobs for minorities in the past,” said Priebus.”Every single party we’ve had has featured black waitstaff. We’ve had black maids, gay hair stylists, and Hispanic gardeners. You would think that they would be grateful. Furthermore, we Republicans have always supported a woman’s right to choose to do exactly what we white men want. I just don’t get it.”

 

 

 

 

Latest Polls Show America Not Yet Ready For Democracy

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After analyzing the results of a new Pew Research Center poll conducted just last week, experts have concluded that the United States is not yet ready for a democratic form of government. The finding is particularly troubling considering the midterms are less than one week away.

Dr. Black cited the rise of the Tea Party as one symptom of the overall decline in American education. “After all, do we really want people who have no clue how to spell their own signs going to the polls? I don’t think so.”

“It looks as if we are in real trouble,” said Dr. Frank Black, who headed the Pew Research team. “There are just too many people out there who don’t possess enough innate intelligence to function in everyday life, much less determine their own fate by voting for their own representatives.”

“We found that only 32% of Americans believe that evolution is ‘due to natural processes such as natural selection,’ and fully one-third of Americans are so stupid that they utterly reject the theory of evolution and believe instead that humans ‘have existed in their present form since the beginning of time.'”

“And that is only one example,” continued Black. “The American public’s lack of basic scientific knowledge is mind-boggling.”

Dr. Black said that when a state elects an ancient Aztec snake god as governor, we are in real trouble.

“Only 20% of Americans believe in the ‘Big Bang,’ only 50% believe in climate change, and an overwhelming number of Americans want to ban incoming flights from Africa because of the Ebola crisis when most American citizens have no fucking clue what a virus even is.”

“Hell,  do you realize that fully 40% of Americans think that they are going to be lifted up into heaven in some sort of Rapture event? It’s really depressing.”

“The state of affairs is equally miserable when it comes to progressive government policy. America has had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century as regards gay marriage, equal pay for women, immigration, and sane firearms policies.”

Dr. Black suggested that a benign dictator would best be able to clean up America and get us back on the right track.

“Given the recent track record, whole swathes of the United States should really not be allowed to vote,” said Black. “The rise of the Tea Party to prominence in recent years should make that obvious. Take Texas and Florida for example. When a one state elects a dolt like Rick Perry and the other an ancient Aztec snake god as governor, we have real problems.”

Dr. Black suggested that since America was not yet ready for any type of representative government that possibly the best alternative would be some form of benign dictatorship.

“If we could get someone in the White House who would dissolve Congress and ratchet up public education to at least Third World standards, then that would be a good start,” said Black. “The money is there if we could just redirect it. Instead of invading Muslim countries every other week, we could use some of those trillions to teach our offspring some basic science, civics, and history. It will be a long, hard slog, but I think the future of North America depends on it. After all, do we really want half of our kids believing that we are being observed by aliens in UFO’s? I don’t think so.”

Christie Proves He’s Got What It Takes To Be Republican Nominee

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Most right-wing pundits and political strategists  believe that because of his recent actions regarding the Ebola non-crisis in the United States, New Jersey governor and Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie has proven his bona fides and will become the frontrunner in the race for the nomination.

Coulter became so excited during her appearance on Hannity’s show that she used up almost 80% of her available fat reserves and required intravenous fluids in order to remain conscious

Celebrated Republican strategist Karl Rove told Sean Hannity during an appearance on his show that Christie “proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should be the frontrunner.”

“Governor Christie’s ability to deflect blame onto others during Bridgegate was positively Reaganesque, said Rove. “And by locking up that brave Ebola-fighting nurse he showed that he can act recklessly and with complete disregard for science, reason, and the opinions of experts. That’s exactly what we expect out of a Republican president. I think his future is bright indeed.”

Ann Coulter, rabid right wing pundit and concentration camp survivor, also appeared on Hannity’s show.

“Christie’s actions show a real lack of reasoning and restraint, and we’ve sorely missed that erratic and impulsive behavior over the last six years,” said Coulter. “His complete lack of compassion and empathy with health care workers desperately fighting to stop the Ebola epidemic shows that he can be a real prick and a giant horse’s ass, and that really turns me on!”

The nation’s most prominent horse’s ass, Bill O’Reilly, agreed with Rove and Coulter.

America’s most prominent horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly told his decrepit viewers that “Christie has shown that he will act with reckless disregard for science and reason, and that makes him a candidate I can wholeheartedly support.”

O’Reilly told his elderly and weak-minded viewers that “I recognize a fellow horse’s ass when I see one, and Christie is one of the largest I’ve ever come across. Christie is a man who will act first and ask questions later, and that’s the kind of guy we need with his finger on the nuclear trigger.”

“I think Christie will be an articulate representative for our side in the upcoming election,” continued O’Reilly. “He’ll be able to express our policies of demonizing immigrants, gays, and poor black people in way that even the dumbest American will be able to relate to.”

The most recent polls of registered Republicans show that as a result of Christie’s recent hasty and uninformed decision-making, he has passed Texas Governor Rick Perry in popularity. Most of those being polled cited Perry’s low IQ as being a major stumbling block in the upcoming race. However, Perry continues to be the favorite among Tea Partiers and gun nuts.

 

 

 

Habersham County Cop Wins Coveted “NAZI Stormtrooper Of The Year” Award

ATLANTA (CT&P) – Bubba “Catfish” McDim, the Georgia SWAT team member who tossed a stun grenade into a baby’s crib during a drug raid this spring, has been awarded the NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award according to Haberham County Sheriff Joey “Heinrich” Terrell.  Although no drugs or weapons were found during the raid, McDim managed to melt the infant’s face and disfigure him for life, an achievement that brought praise from law enforcement agencies from across the country.

Sheriff Terrell told reporters that Uncle Adolf himself would have been “damn proud” of the team’s actions on the night in question.

“We shore are proud of our Catfish,” said Sheriff Terrell. “All those hours of practice throwing fragmentation grenades at Messican farm workers and carloads of negra teenagers really paid off. Bubba sets a sterlin’ example of just what can be achieved when using deadly force against unarmed civilians.”

McDim will be honored at a gala banquet in Atlanta over the Christmas holidays. The yearly banquet honors militarized police thugs from all over the country who perpetrate abominations on the American public in the name of the “War On Drugs.”

Below is a synopsis of the Habersham SWAT team’s actions that the awards committee used to determine this year’s winner:

 

Sheriff Terrell, president of the local chapter of the League of Fascist Law Enforcement Personnel, told WSB that although no drugs were found on the raid, melting the baby’s face was an outstanding achievement that just could not go unrecognized by law enforcement.

Of all the botched drug raids that have occurred in 2014, the most appalling took place in Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—when narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the brave cops, Officer Bubba “Catfish” McDim, tossed a flash-bang grenade which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and a hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested without incident.

The Stormtrooper of the Year award has a rich history and has been given to deserving young officers annually since 1945.

Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. Members of the SWAT team escaped any criminal charges for the botched raid on October 6 when a grand jury, under threat of lifelong police harassment, found no fault with police procedure on the raid.

“We are here to support our officers no matter what kind of abomination they may perpetrate,” said a trembling Billy Bob McSneed, the jury foreman.

Mildred Fatback of Clarkesville agreed.

“I just don’t see how anyone could ever criticize our brave police officers,” she said, as she looked around nervously, “why, only last week one saved my life by giving me a ticket for going 3 MPH over the speed limit. He also confiscated 53 bucks from me that I could have used to purchase drugs if I actually used them. I’m very grateful.”

Sheriff Terrell told WSB News that the grand jury “did good” and more heinous and deadly “no-knock” raids were planned in the near future.

“There just ain’t no telling what’s goin’ on out dere,” said Terrell. “We may need raid every home in the county just to make sure no one ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong. Who knows what we might find? I know some of the boys are needin’ some new appliances and stereos, so this no-knock thing might just be the ticket for ’em.”

Canadian Response To Terrorist Shooting Slowed By Authorities’ Need To Speak Two Languages At The Same Fucking Time

OTTAWA, ONTARIO (CT&P) – A masked gunman killed a soldier standing guard at Canada’s war memorial Wednesday, then stormed Parliament in an attack that was stopped cold when he was shot to death by the ceremonial sergeant-at-arms. Canada’s prime minister called it the country’s second terrorist attack in three days.

Investigators offered little information about the gunman, identified as 32-year-old petty criminal Michael Zehaf-Bibeau. But Prime Minister Stephen Harper said: “In the days to come we will learn about the terrorist and any accomplices he may have had.”

In a televised address to the nation, Canada’s prime minister said Wednesday’s fatal shooting of a Canadian soldier in Ottawa and a hit-and-run that killed another earlier this week are grim reminders that Canada is not immune to terrorism.

Canadian law enforcement authorities insist on addressing suspects in both English and French because so many of the world’s terrorists were born in Paris.

Harper said the two separate attacks will strengthen Canada’s resolve to work to keep Canada safe and work with allies around the world to fight terrorist organizations.

“But let there be no misunderstanding, we will not be intimidated. Canada will never be intimidated,” said Harper.

After the nearly twenty-minute speech, Prime Minister Harper then proceeded to repeat himself word-for-word in French, so no one who lives in Quebec would get their feelings hurt. The repetition turned what would have been an uplifting address to the nation into an almost hour-long marathon of political correctness run amok.

“It’s another example of why the Canadians are so difficult to work with,” said Andrew McCabe, head of the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division. “Every time I call up my counterpart in Ottawa the son of a bitch has to repeat every thing he says to me over the phone in French. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Current head of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson agreed with McCabe, and told reporters that Zehaf-Bibeau could have been apprehended before he got to the parliament building if the cops that were chasing him just shot his ass instead of trying to address him in two different languages.

“We think our friends from north of the border could decrease their response time by half just by dropping this idiotic regulation that law enforcement personnel have to repeat themselves in French every time they address a suspect,” said Johnson.

“I mean how ridiculous is it that you say “HALT! Stop or I’ll shoot!”, then immediately have to say “HALTE! Arrete ou je tire!” said an exasperated Johnson.

“The next thing you know they’ll have to include Arabic so as not to offend the fucking terrorist they are trying to apprehend!”

 

 

 

Frustrated By Debate Fiasco, Florida Governor Rick Scott Attacks And Devours Giant Alligator On Outskirts Of Everglades

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott campaign told our intrepid reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the governor killed and consumed a large alligator during the drive home to Tallahassee after the debate last week.

This marks the second time Governor Scott has eaten an alligator while in office. The first time was at a party celebrating his executive order slashing aid to poor families in the state.

Apparently Scott demanded that the campaign bus, the “Python Express,” stop on the outskirts of the Everglades, whereupon he tore off his clothing, leaped from the vehicle and disappeared into the scrub. Efforts to stop the governor were met with threatening posturing and loud hissing from Scott.

“It was really terrifying,” said an aide who wished to remain anonymous. “He coiled up and was ready to strike anyone who tried to stop him. We were able to follow him for a while because of that unearthly glow given off by his scales when he gets excited, but we eventually had to stop when he reached a swampy area teeming with alligators.”

The aide reported that the next morning a stuffed and lethargic Scott was found sunning himself on the median of the interstate.

Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. His wife Ann still mourns the disappearance of Reagan, a yellow lab the family adopted in 2010. Reagan disappeared during a party celebrating tax breaks Scott gave to huge corporations doing business in the state.

“It took six of us to pick him up and put him back on the bus,” said the unnamed aide. “He was quite content to nap for most of the trip home while he was absorbing the enormous reptile.”

Apparently Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. Sources say that Scott is an opportunist and somewhat of a scavenger. Visitors have noted the complete absence of any wildlife around the governor’s mansion and Scott’s guard detail has to continually replace Alsatians listed as “missing and presumed dead.”

Melissa Sellers, Scott’s campaign manager, told reporters that now that the governor has fed, he should be able to devote all of his time to being reelected.

“He won’t need to feed again for approximately six weeks,” said Sellers. “By that time the race will be decided and he can be returned to his enclosure. He won’t pose a threat to anyone for quite some time.”

 

Finalists Announced For This Year’s NAZI Stormtrooper Of The Year Award

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The five finalists have been announced for the coveted NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award. The award is given each year to the SWAT team or individual law enforcement officer who, in the opinion of the judges, perpetrates the most heinous atrocity on an innocent American citizen during a drug raid or traffic stop. The award is sponsored by the Peace Officers Malevolent League, the National Association of Corrupt Prosecutors, the Bribable Judges Guild, and the Sadistic Souls Motorcycle Club of Brighton, Illinois.

This year the awards ceremony will take place in Atlanta because of the high number of abominations carried out by officers representing that great state. The winner of this year’s competition is expected to be announced sometime this week.

Below you will find a brief synopsis of each raid and subsequent barbaric obscenity being considered by the panel of judges.

1. The Phonesavanh Family, Habersham County, Georgia

In Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the officers tossed a flashbang grenade—which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested later without incident.

To make matters worse, Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. And the fact that members of the SWAT team escaped criminal charges on October 6 only encourages militarized narcotics officers to continue endangering the public.

2. David Hooks, East Dublin, Georgia

In September, methamphetamine addict Rodney Garrett confessed to stealing an SUV from the home of 59-year-old David Hooks, an East Dublin, Georgia resident who owned a construction company. Garrett claimed that he found a bag of meth in the vehicle, and the Laurens County Sheriff’s Department obtained a warrant for a no-knock raid on Hooks’ home. When the SWAT team broke into Hooks’ house on September 23, Hooks—according to attorney Mitchell Shook, who is representing Hooks’ widow—thought he was being robbed again and grabbed a gun to defend himself, although Shook said Hooks’ didn’t actually fire it. At least 16 shots were fired by the SWAT team, killing Hooks instantly. Shook told reporters, “There is no evidence that David Hooks ever fired a weapon.”

No drugs were found in the home during a 44-hour search. And there was no evidence that Hooks had any involvement in drug trafficking apart from the dubious claims of a confessed meth addict and car thief.

3. Jason Westcott, Tampa, Florida

Militarized police are a hazard all over the United States, but progressive talk radio host/attorney Mike Papantonio has said more than once that militarized police in the Deep South (who he describes as “Dixieland stormtroopers”) are especially toxic. And the Dixieland stormtroopers were feeling very trigger-happy when, on May 27, a SWAT team in Tampa, Florida carried out a no-knock raid on the home of 29-year-old Jason Westcott (who narcotics officers suspected of selling marijuana). Westcott, who evidently believed he was being robbed, grabbed his gun—and he was killed when the SWAT team opened fire. Officers found about two dollars worth of marijuana in the house.

4. Larry Lee Arman, St. Paul, Minnesota

There have been many examples of militarized narcotics officers killing pet dogs during drug raids, and the two dogs that St. Paul, Minnesota resident Larry Lee Arman owned were shot and killed when a SWAT team carried out a no-knock drug raid on his home onJuly 9. Although Arman acknowledges that he is a recreational marijuana user, he has vehemently denied any involvement in drug trafficking—and the only items found during the raid were a glass bong and marijuana remnants in a metal grinder. Camille Perry, Arman’s girlfriend, was present during the raid and said that she feared for the lives of her children. “The only thing I was thinking was my kids were going to get hit by bullets,” Perry told Minneapolis’ KMSP-TV. But gratefully, their children—unlike Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh—were not injured.

5. Lillian Alonzo, Manchester, New Hampshire

Journalist Radley Balko (author of Rise of the Warrior Cop: The Militarization of America’s Police Forces) has often said that when paramilitary weapons are used in connection with investigations for nonviolent offenses, the chances of innocent people being injured escalate. That happened in Manchester, New Hampshire on August 27, when members of the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) raided the apartment of 49-year-old Lilian Alonzo.

Although two of her daughters, Johanna Nunez and Jennifer Nunez, were suspects in the investigation, Alonzo herself was not a suspect—and neither of them lived with her. During the raid, the unarmed Alonzo was picking up a baby when two shots were fired; one of them went through her left arm and entered her left ribcage (30 stitches were needed). No drugs were found in Lilian Alonzo’s apartment.

Honorable Mention

Dwayne Perry, Cartersville, Georgia

In Cartersville, Georgia, state narcotics officers acted like soldiers in Fallujah, Al Anbar when, in early October, they invaded the back yard of Dwayne Perry. Flying overhead in a helicopter, they were searching for marijuana plants and thought they spotted some in Perry’s yard. The officers, weapons drawn, invaded the yard with a K-9 unit. But what they thought were marijuana plants turned out to be okra plants. Perry told WSB-TV: “I was scared…….They were strapped to the gills. Anything could have happened.”

 

 

Nation In Mourning As Dallas Residents Released From Quarantine

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Across the country conservatives from all walks of life donned black and lit candles today as 43 residents of Dallas, Texas were released from quarantine after showing no signs of Ebola three weeks after possible exposure to the deadly virus.

Health officials said that 43 of the 48 initial contacts of Ebola victim Thomas Eric Duncan are free to resume their lives after 21 days of isolation.

Speaker Boehner told reporters that President Obama had carefully crafted his West Africa policy so that every American would eventually be infected with at least one type of hemorrhagic fever.

And while Dallas officials celebrated the milestone, they pleaded with the community not to stigmatize the people returning to their normal routines.

“There is zero risk that any of those people who have been marked off the list have Ebola,” Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins said at a news conference. “They were in contact with the person who had Ebola and the time period for them to get Ebola has lapsed.

“They are people who need our compassion our respect and our love,” Jenkins added. “Treat them the way you would want your own family treated if you were in their place and they were in yours.”

Jenkins called the reintegration process a “defining moment” and urged Dallas residents to trust the science behind their recommendations.

“We have to believe in science,” Jenkins said. “That’s what separates us from other mammals.”

Fox News pundits were quick to point out that we can never really trust the CDC, scientists, or the laws of nature and that a major outbreak of Ebola was just around the corner.

In response, Speaker of the House John Boehner called his own press conference and insisted that there was no real difference between Republicans and any other mammal that roams the planet living in fear of things it does not understand.

A tearful Boehner told journalists that “Many times I’ve tilted my head in confusion when I just could not comprehend certain concepts like gay marriage, climate change, or equal pay for women, and I’ve seen my dog do the very same thing when he hears a strange sound, so I really don’t know what Jenkins is talking about.”

Senator Lindsey Graham, who began self-flagellating on the steps of the Capitol when he heard the news, wholeheartedly agreed.

“Since when have we Republicans ever listened to scientists about anything? This whole Ebola thing is part of the Benghazi-ISIS-Obamacare conspiracy to kill every single American, and I won’t rest until the whole country is just as terrified as I am!”

Pundits from both Fox and CNN paused briefly during ISIS doomsday coverage long enough to remind America that although the Ebola crisis in Dallas appears to be contained for the time being, it could always defy the laws of physics and crop up all over the country at once, causing millions of deaths. Dr. Keith Ablow of Fox reminded viewers that of Ebola didn’t kill us all, a huge asteroid could wipe us out any minute anyway, so by far the best thing to do is to live in abject fear for the rest of our lives.

Poll Finds Old Wet Hens Are Optimistic About America’s Future

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll released this morning indicates that old wet hens are more optimistic about America’s future than 90% of politicians currently running for office.

The poll was taken on October 18 immediately after an intense thunderstorm and represents the feelings of over a dozen elderly free-range hens in the backwoods of North Carolina. The poll results were then compared to a similar poll taken on October 15th of politicians currently running for office.

Zebrus Maximus, seen here with three of the hens polled, told researchers that “Hell, I thought living with 12 women in the same coop was tough. I think I’d have to drown myself in the watering trough if I had to be around politicians all the time.” Zebrus does morning drive-time traffic for WCOK in Murphy.

The data clearly shows that 9 out of 10 wet hens are either “very” or “somewhat” optimistic about America’s future over the next two decades, with the remaining 10% of hens being “cautiously” optimistic.

By comparison, 80% of the politicians who were polled felt that the fabric of American society is sure to “torn asunder” or “ripped apart” over the next 10-20 years, with the result being a “dystopian hellscape” similar to what now exists in the state of Florida. The remaining 20% of pols predict a slower, more gradual descent into chaos that over the next fifty years will reduce western civilization to roving bands of survivors eating out of date dog food.

Both major parties were pessimistic about America’s chances to survive, but in general Republicans predict a more rapid demise than their counterparts on the other side of the aisle.

Reasons given for the imminent collapse of the United States include Ebola, ISIS, gay marriage, and Obamacare for the Republicans, and climate change, genetically modified organisms, voter ID laws, and wheat gluten for the Democrats.

“I personally cannot see how most Americans can stand to watch these idiot politicians on television,” said Andrew Kohut, founding director of the Pew Research Center. “The only thing that keeps those hens sane and happy is the fact that they don’t have cable. I threw away my television years ago and advise everyone else in America to do the same.”

 

 

 

 

Carnival Cruise Lines Announces Ebola Virus To Be Added To Water Supply Aboard Select Vessels

Ebola will be added to the drinking water supply of Ecstasy’s sister ship the Agony beginning in early 2015

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held in Miami last night, Carnival Cruise Lines announced that a particularly virulent strain of the Ebola virus will be added to the toxic cocktail of viruses, bacteria, medical waste, and spent nuclear fuel rods already present in the holding tanks of some of its ships.

The virus will be added first to Carnival’s Survivor Class of vessels that have become so popular with doomsday preppers, Alaskan homesteaders, survivalists, and other nuts who want to test their mettle against whatever nature has to throw at them.

Carnival’s Survivor Class vessels are often older and have few of the amenities available aboard their other ships

The line of Survivor Class vessels consist mostly of older, barely seaworthy ships that have little or no medical support staff. They normally travel five to seven days out of Miami to a deserted island populated only with Komodo dragons and huge vampire bats that dwell deep within the island’s extensive underground cave complex.

Passengers are treated to free food and drink on the way out while being exposed to a wide variety of deadly pathogens and an unusually high level of ionizing radiation emanating from spent nuclear fuel rods stored in the hull of each ship. The passengers are then dumped on the island with the only medical care provided by a witch doctor and two cannibal nurses from New Guinea. Those who survive for a week or longer are then picked up and transported back to the mainland where they are given various awards at a gala party on South Beach.

After a week on the desert island, whose whereabouts remain a mystery, most passengers are eager to be reunited with loved ones on the mainland. One passenger described the adventure as a trip to a “dystopian hellscape.” “It was like visiting Florida during an election,” he said.

Carnival’s spokesman Captain William Bligh told reporters that the company will monitor the results of the additional virus before adding it to Carnival’s remaining ships, which are already teeming with waterborne pathogens such as the Norwalk virus, E. coli, Clostridium botulinum, and Salmonella typhi, just to name a few.

“We want to build on the success we had last year when we introduced Enterobius vermicularis to our Disney Class vessels, which cater to families with kids,” said Captain Bligh. “As you know E. vermicularis causes peri-anal itching, hyperactivity, nervous irritability, and insomnia. It was a big hit with our customers who want to educate their kids about what life has in store for them.”

The cruise line is currently in negotiation with a group of renegade ex-Soviet scientists and is hopeful that weaponized anthrax, smallpox, and bubonic plague can be added to the toxic sludge now present in the water supply of their beautiful ships.