THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Conspiracy theorist and right-wing nutcase Glenn Beck reported today that a coalition of terrorist groups led by ISIS, the Taliban, and Al-Qaeda In The Florida Peninsula (ALF) have successfully re-routed a huge asteroid that is poised to strike earth in the early morning hours of September 11th.
Beck spent the first fifteen minutes of his program yesterday defending himself after a caller accused him of being an escapee from the Island of Dr. Moreau
Only yesterday Beck reported that 11 commercial jet-liners were missing from Tripoli International Airport and were destined to be flown to a town near you in order to immolate your friends and entire extended family in huge fireballs of Muslim retribution.
The revelations were seen and heard by the dozens of regular viewers of the Glenn Beck program on Beck’s fantasy television network, TheBlaze. TheBlaze is a site dedicated to terrifying the mentally challenged with ridiculous conspiracy theories, grammar school-level historical revisionism, and religious and political propaganda worthy of the best efforts of Joseph Goebbels.
“We are not quite sure where these heathen got the technology to re-route huge boulders millions of miles out in space, but I suspect that the Iranians are involved,” said Beck, as saliva dripped from one corner of his mouth.
Beck became quite emotional as he described the Obama-led worldwide conspiracy to destroy the earth set to culminate only few days hence
“It is quite possible that President Obama handed over the top-secret tractor beam technology to the Iranians as part of his efforts to appease Islam, because everyone knows he is secretly working with the U.N. towards building a worldwide caliphate that would eventually mean the end of all logical and rational religions such as the LDS,” said the unhinged Beck, who began rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his left hand.
“I urge all my fans and followers to demand action by the U.S. government to intercept the planes and rocks that will be hurtling towards us on September 11th, lest the world as we know it come to an end,” said an emotional Beck, as two of his aides pulled him from in front of the camera.
No independent verification of Beck’s claims has so far been made.
Many sane sources believe that the revelations are on par with some of Beck’s other theories, including the worldwide attempt by climate scientists to silence all dissenters, “just like Hitler,” or comparing embryonic stem cell research to Nazi eugenics programs, or his claim that he had deciphered a “secret code” that proved President Obama was trying to set up an oligarchy.
Of course we won’t know for sure until September 12th rolls around, but Las Vegas odds-makers have said that Beck has about a one in a billion chance of being correct, based on his past performance.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 
That’s pretty funny because someone facebooked the NASA photo’s today which show the asteroid missing us by….let’s say well more than a mile.
That is wild! Did not know that. Was just intending to make fun of all the fear-mongering over the Tripoli Airport conspiracy. Thanks “Stay at home!”
To be more specific…and I was joking before…the asteroid is due to miss us by about 25,000 miles.